Do your parents know you're bi?

[mikey3000]

There has been a lot of discussion (again) about honesty and integrety in the family unit and comming out to your spouse. And rightly so. Your relationship is based on mutual love, respect, understanding and acceptance right? You should absolutely NOT hide ANYTHING from your spouse.

So then is it right to hide it from your parents? After all don't they deserve to know too? After all they are the ones who gave you life. And the same familial dynamics are still present, mutual love, respect, understanding and acceptance right (except for the sex thing, hopefully)? And if the said bi is a minor, then by all means they must come out to their parents, cause parents are legally responsible for every aspect of their childs life.

If total honesty is good on the one hand, should it be good for all?

[flyerinweston]

My mother once asked me: "are you gay" i told her "no im not, im bisexual" so she had a pretty good idea which way i was leaning....

[darkeyes]

I was lucky. My parents raised us to be who and what we are, who and what we want to be, not who and what they or the world think we should be. I suppose of the 3 of us Ive been the one to make the most of that and lived it as they said we should. Even though we had been brought up very liberally, it still wasnt that easy to bite the bullet and finally tell mum and dad. When I did it was a shrug and a smile and acceptance that the baby of the family was growing up . We talked about it at length and of what my dreams and hopes were, and they warned me of the big bad intolerant world. I was still a child but I knew and had always known. Turns out so had they.:)

It is sad, that in the 21st century, more parents cant be like mine, and allow their children to be their own person. :(

[Annika L]

There has been a lot of discussion (again) about honesty and integrety in the family unit and comming out to your spouse. And rightly so. Your relationship is based on mutual love, respect, understanding and acceptance right? You should absolutely NOT hide ANYTHING from your spouse.

So then is it right to hide it from your parents? After all don't they deserve to know too? After all they are the ones who gave you life. And the same familial dynamics are still present, mutual love, respect, understanding and acceptance right (except for the sex thing, hopefully)? And if the said bi is a minor, then by all means they must come out to their parents, cause parents are legally responsible for every aspect of their childs life.

If total honesty is good on the one hand, should it be good for all?

Mikey, are you genuinely missing the point, or are you just bating?

Your sexuality is your partner's business *only if* you are going to screw around outside your relationship, because that impacts your partner. It can be *advisable* to tell your partner early in the relationship, because you shouldn't want to build a relationship with someone who cannot tolerate who you are, and because you can't anticipate how strong those interests will become (so you may need their help and understanding some day). But is it "only fair" that your partner know your sexuality? No. What is unfair is cheating.

So with respect to parents, I see no reason why it is "only fair" to tell your parents about your sexuality, as it does not impact them in the least. I happen to be out to my parents...but there are a myriad of tastes, interests, and experiences that my parents know nothing about, and that are none of their business. I am glad my parents know about my sexuality, because *I* feel that helps me to live with integrity and honesty, and because I benefit from their support (my partner's parents do *not* support her sexuality, so my parents' support means a lot to both of us). But would I recommend that *everyone* take a chance on coming out to their parents? No...not until you feel that you must in order to live openly and with integrity. (I am *not* saying that you lack integrity if you're not out...I'm talking about a personal sense that you *feel* that in order to have integrity, you must be out...if you feel that, then yes, you should come out.)

If your sexuality doesn't impact a person, then it's none of their business.

For the record, if you happen to cheat on your partner, or intend to openly screw around, that's not your parents' business either.

[Realist]

My parents were extremely close-minded about diversified relationships, that beyond the realm of their idea for what was acceptable.

Before I knew anything about sex, I remember overhearing a conversation between my parents and another couple, who were discussing "QUEERS". In their minds, any child of theirs who was "ONE OF THEM" would be disowned!

You can be certain that I filed that information away and never forgot it. Even in their later years, most of those in my family held onto that way of thinking.

In my case, I chose to keep my sexuality to myself. I never had the feeling that anyone deserved to know. After I was grown, nothing I did was any of their business, anyway. Actually, the only people who know I'm bisexual, are my lovers, past and present....as well as a very few close friends.

[darkeyes]

If your sexuality doesn't impact a person, then it's none of their business.

For the record, if you happen to cheat on your partner, or intend to openly screw around, that's not your parents' business either.

I do agree Annika. The difference in my life was that I had gf's and bf's and didnt hide it particularly from the world. I didnt want rumours or innuendo about me gettin back to them so it was best to tell. Not their business? Nowadays certainly not, but then? I was a young teenager, at school and living under their roof.

I brought bf's home frequently,and wanted to bring girl friends home. Not for sex, thats a wholly different thing, but in the way most teens bring bf's and gf's home. I could bring platonic friends home in the normal way of things and had ever since I can remember. But a girl who was the latest love interest? That was the bullet I felt needed to be bitten.

[eddy10]

I am an honest, straight forward person. When asked anything, I will not lie and will answer honestly. If I do not want to or can not answer what is asked, I will say just that and not go any further. I am a very private person and do not volunteer very much personal information. It is the way I chose to be. Having said that, I am like Realist in that only a very select few know of my sexual orientation.

[Giggles100]

Iv never had that chat with mum and dad. My mum kinda knows even though she can't quantify what I am (had girlfriends + boyfriends in past) but my dad...... Well I don't think he thinks about it/wants to think about it.

For that reason I'm quite guarded about my sex/love life. It's funny because I'm so out to my friends It's unreal and I'm a very liberal person who takes an active role in the BI/LGBT community helping people find themselves/come out.

Funny thing is my family do love me alot. I have an older brother who is possibly the complete opposite to me. BNP member very right wing and hates blacks/gays etc etc. We actually don't talk to each other now which is sad. One of his BNP friends called me a nigger loving faggot once!

My aunty sat down with me drunk on holiday once and said how different I was to my brother and how patient and caring I was and how I'l always be my mothers favorite :eek:. It kinda took me back abit I think It was probably the drink talking though :).

My brother did something terrible last year too. Since then my mum has become very close to me for whatever reason...... dunno I'm In a nice/wierd/slightly living a lie yet not really place...... eek!

I dunno what would happen if I met Mr right as opposed to Mrs right :eek:. I try not to contemplate that filing it under "cross that bridge if it happens" :).

Sorry I'm going on a bit now. You've got me thinking!

[mikey3000]

Mikey, are you genuinely missing the point, or are you just bating?

Your sexuality is your partner's business *only if* you are going to screw around outside your relationship, because that impacts your partner. It can be *advisable* to tell your partner early in the relationship, because you shouldn't want to build a relationship with someone who cannot tolerate who you are, and because you can't anticipate how strong those interests will become (so you may need their help and understanding some day). But is it "only fair" that your partner know your sexuality? No. What is unfair is cheating....


...If your sexuality doesn't impact a person, then it's none of their business.



No, neither am I missing the point nor baiting. I'm just looking for clarification on honesty.

You feel that it is none of their business unless it impacts them directly. But many feel that there should be full disclosure amongst spouses, even if it only desire. Many here have come out to their spouses about their desires, even though they don't have the slightest intensions on acting on it. It is a part of who they are and feel that their partner must know the true them. Whether their desire is just in their heart, or they choose to act on it, it is still a part of their character, and worthy od disclosure, no? Lots of people here disclose that they are bisexual, but have never, ever acted on it and never, ever intend to to do so, but yet they are still classified as bisexuals. Should they be? I'd feel terrible if I found out, when we're both old ang grey, that my wife had hidden desires that went unmet her entire life. I'd feel like a total failure as a husband, lover and friend. But that is just me. Maybe I'm wrong.

[allbimyself]

No, neither am I missing the point nor baiting. I'm just looking for clarification on honesty.

You feel that it is none of their business unless it impacts them directly. But many feel that there should be full disclosure amongst spouses, even if it only desire. Many here have come out to their spouses about their desires, even though they don't have the slightest intensions on acting on it. It is a part of who they are and feel that their partner must know the true them. Whether their desire is just in their heart, or they choose to act on it, it is still a part of their character, and worthy od disclosure, no? Lots of people here disclose that they are bisexual, but have never, ever acted on it and never, ever intend to to do so, but yet they are still classified as bisexuals. Should they be? I'd feel terrible if I found out, when we're both old ang grey, that my wife had hidden desires that went unmet her entire life. I'd feel like a total failure as a husband, lover and friend. But that is just me. Maybe I'm wrong.

There are many things in one's past that may not need to be divulged. I've always told potential sex partners BEFORE I slept with them that I am bi. I don't state that every bisexual must do that. Other than lovers, I have come out to some friends because I chose to. I am NOT out to any family because I chose not to. However, if any friends or family included asked me directly, I'd answer honestly. Strangers, depending on the situation might get told to fuck off and mind their own business, or lied to, or might get told to truth, since it really is none of their business.

All that said, do you always need to tell a spouse? No. If they ask? Yes. If you "require" same sex contact, yes.

The issue I have with dishonesty is using bisexuality as an excuse to lie and cheat.

[Annika L]

No, neither am I missing the point nor baiting. I'm just looking for clarification on honesty.

You feel that it is none of their business unless it impacts them directly. But many feel that there should be full disclosure amongst spouses, even if it only desire. Many here have come out to their spouses about their desires, even though they don't have the slightest intensions on acting on it. It is a part of who they are and feel that their partner must know the true them. Whether their desire is just in their heart, or they choose to act on it, it is still a part of their character, and worthy od disclosure, no? Lots of people here disclose that they are bisexual, but have never, ever acted on it and never, ever intend to to do so, but yet they are still classified as bisexuals. Should they be? I'd feel terrible if I found out, when we're both old ang grey, that my wife had hidden desires that went unmet her entire life. I'd feel like a total failure as a husband, lover and friend. But that is just me. Maybe I'm wrong.

I've not heard anyone on this site saying that it is reprehensible to *not* disclose your desires to your partner, or judging keeping one's sexuality to oneself. I have heard judgements made about lying and/or cheating.

[Annika L]

I do agree Annika. The difference in my life was that I had gf's and bf's and didnt hide it particularly from the world. I didnt want rumours or innuendo about me gettin back to them so it was best to tell. Not their business? Nowadays certainly not, but then? I was a young teenager, at school and living under their roof.

I brought bf's home frequently,and wanted to bring girl friends home. Not for sex, thats a wholly different thing, but in the way most teens bring bf's and gf's home. I could bring platonic friends home in the normal way of things and had ever since I can remember. But a girl who was the latest love interest? That was the bullet I felt needed to be bitten.

Fran, you chose disclose your sexuality to your parents, because you believed it would avoid hassles (or at least allow you to face any hassle over your sexuality in isolation from any hassle over your behavior *smile*). Given your age at the time, your behavior at the time, and the power your parents had over you then, that choice made perfect sense. It doesn't sound as though you told them because you felt they had a right to know.

[djones]

Full disclosure and openness would be ideal, but in society, marriage, and family, it is not always possible.

Every situation is different in regards to divulging your sexuality - be it to parents or a spouse. The variables in each situation are too many to list, but it is the variables that often dictate what level of disclosure is needed or not needed.

An example of not disclosing to a spouse for good reason may be that the sexuality does not effect a monogamous relationship - yet disclosure of same sex desires and fantasies could jeopardize it. This is a case of "what you don't know, won't hurt you".

As for parents - there are many reasons why it may not be advisable, or even relevant to tell. For some, creating a schism within the family is worse than keeping secret.

There is a faction of the LGBT community that frowns upon remaining discrete, yet to blindly suggest that everyone should risk their family and spousal unity for a political point of view is misguided to say the least.

As for myself, my parents would support and accept my sexuality, but I know it would cause them stress trying to be appropriately supportive and concerned while not understanding that I am the same guy I always have been (it really would end up a comedy to watch them !). So, for simplicity sake, I remain discrete. I realize, however, that I am fortunate - for many people, discretion is not an option but a necessity.

Even if my family didn't accept me, I am not in need of anyone's acceptance but my own - and I accept me ! I also know that I am fortunate in that regard as well.

:2cents:

[Lisa (va)]

I'll answer yes, my parents know: friends too, and yes my husband as well.

Is it necessary to tell everyone, perhaps not, but in some cases almost inevitable: when your date comes and picks you up at your parents and said date happens to be female as well, less likely a shock value if they know before hand.

However I do not feel the need to tell everyone, but at the same time, I see no reason to be dishonest about it. Folks that might take offense to my dating choices are likely not the kind of friends I would likely want.

I do however feel the need to disclose the fact to folks I date if I think there is the slightest chance of things progressing, thinking it better they find out from me than from rumors or slips.


Lisa

hugs n kisses

[sammie19]

I had no choice but to inform my parents. I come from a country area and did my schooling in the nearest small town high school. I was outed by a girl I knew from school who saw me kissing another girl at a club 60 miles away from home. I had to tell my parents before someone else did. It was a shock to them but they reacted much better than I could ever have expected.

[innaminka]

Mum knows I'm not str8.
I haven't gone into exact details. (Dad passed on a few years ago)

It happened this year when I separated. My sisters have known about my being bi since my original coming out to myself, and more recently my current change in direction.

Butelling your Mum is hard. She just nodded and said she sort of knew I was different from a very early age, but kept her thoughts to herself.
It's not something she (a good catholic girl) wants to talk about.
She's remarkably non-prudish, but when it applied to me, she just took it in and moved on - nothing more has been mentioned. That was about 6 months ago.

Telling daughters was a different kettle of fish. What I envisaged as being so hard and the cause of tears etc, was so, easy.
Goodness I have beautiful girls!!!!

[bistraightpat]

I wish I could tell my folks but they are extremely coles minded. I would like to at least come out to my friends but since I went to a catholic high school most my friends are closed minded as well.

[12voltman59]

I have not told my folks I am bi---basically not to hide anything from them--if they were to ask--I would tell them.

There are other things in my life that they don't know about--like times when I was in situations in the service and in law enforcement that I might have gotten either killed or seriously hurt----I didn't feel they needed to know that-----let them have sort of a pretense that I was always safe doing what I did then--if they had known--it would have just made them too upset I am sure.

If they ever ask about if I had close calls in those days--I would tell them too--

It is not a matter of evading anything---it is simply a matter of "do they really need to know everything??" and "is it really their business anyhow??'

If the need arises---I will tell the folks I am bi--like if I were ever to decide that I was going to have an open, long term sort of relationship with another guy--then they obviously will know and they will need to hear from me how and why such a thing is taking place.

It might be a moot point though--since I seem at this point that I would really like to try to find myself a lady to have a long term thing with again---and that I may be sorta "phasing out" (at least for now)----from feeling I want to be with guys as much as has been the case in the recent past.

[Long Duck Dong]

allowing for the fact that my step father is homophobic ( doesn't like gays / bi and will not socialise with them ) and my mother is extreme christian ( says things like gays and bis are people that are child molesters and god hates them etc etc ).... there is really no reason to say anything to them....

they know I share a house with a gay guy, and that I have LGBT friends.... and I leave it at that... there is no point in sailing out into a hurricane to catch a fish if there is a fish monger by the harbour....

any relationship of mine is my choice, and doesn't impact on my family or my parents so for me there is no gain in telling them my sexuality, if there is no need to tell them.... I do not ask my parents what they do in the bedroom and now would they wish to know what I do in mine..... which is actually sleep.... as I sleep alone cos my partner is half a world away

[darkeyes]

Fran, you chose disclose your sexuality to your parents, because you believed it would avoid hassles (or at least allow you to face any hassle over your sexuality in isolation from any hassle over your behavior *smile*). Given your age at the time, your behavior at the time, and the power your parents had over you then, that choice made perfect sense. It doesn't sound as though you told them because you felt they had a right to know.

Wos easier 2 tell mum an dad bout me sexuality than ev wos that me wos sexually active.. in fact nev did..by time me went 2 uni they jus kinda assumed..but wen they found out age me wos havin sex 1st.. an its frequency...now that wos a whole new ball game.. an didn get such an easy ride.. :(

[Wolf_Sr]

I was lucky. .... It is sad, that in the 21st century, more parents cant be like mine, and allow their children to be their own person. :(
I envy you Darkeyes, no doubt you was lucky...
Hugs

[darkeyes]

I envy you Darkeyes, no doubt you was lucky...
Hugs

You hav no idea jus how lukky me darlin...:)

[pelokwin]

NOPE, and they never will know(from me). What I do in bed,or the back seat of a volkswagen is not for them to know. I know they had sex cause I am here but that's all I want to know. If I was gay, maybe, because it would be more of a relationship thing. I never wanted to marry a man. So it is just not important enough for them to know. I do not tell them anything that they do not NEED to know and I think we are ALL happier that way.

[rissababynta]

I feel that when it comes to anything personal in a persons life, especially when it has to do with ones sex life, it is not something that parents need to know unless an individual wants them to know or they would somehow have to be involved with it (kind of hard to have your parents help you plan a wedding for you and your partner if they don't know your orientation right? lol).

As for me, I have nothing to hide and my mother knows that I'm bi, which means that my father knows that I'm bi lol. Took a long time for me to tell them that I smoked...go figure...but they know I like chicks...

[Coastocoast]

As far as my parents are concerned I took the cue not to tell them about my being bi when they discussed my sister with me. I was asked point blank if I thought she was into girls and although they said they would accept her no matter what, it seemed it would be less than if she was straight. My sister has never told me what I am certain of for fear I would disclose it. I have no “proof” in the sense of something that would meet a legal definition of proof. Once my parents are gone she may be more open but not while they are alive. I told my parents I did not know if she was and they needed to ask her if the needed an answer. As far as a spouse, or BF/GF needing to know of your possibly developing a same sex attraction; if you have never acted on it and would not act on it, no I do not believe they need to know. If you need to, may or plan to act on it they need to know. Cheating is cheating do not do it there are no valid excuses to cheat on anyone with either sex. If you have acted on it before, you need to tell a potential sexual partner about your being bi before you are intimate with them so they can make an informed choice. Telling an existing partner you may have developed an inner interest in the same sex that you do not intend to act on has it perils and can cause unnecessary pain. IF there was an inner attraction towards her best girlfriend that you would never act on and dismiss out of hand as something that will not happen, would telling them serve any purpose? Would it do anything other then cause pain, hurt and damage your relationship to tell them of any inner interest unless there is a danger you will act on it? There are questions we have all been asked that we know would hurt the other person to be honest about which serves no purpose; does this dress make me look heavy, would you do so and so over me if you had the pick of us? Would you tell your significant other the only reason I asked you out the first time is that so and so said no, so you were the second choice? If you keep it as a fantasy and do not and would not act on it, why tell them if it does not serve a purpose and will hurt them? Do not cheat. If you feel you are in danger of cheating then you need to speak up but be respectful of the others feelings if it is something that is just a thought and will hurt them without protecting them. Hell we have all felt like killing someone in traffic before but not turned ourselves in for what we were only thinking but would never actually do.

[12voltman59]

This post kinda brings to mind this strange sorta thing many of us have in our minds----that among those who are close to us--our parents, brothers, sisters etc---no matter the sort of sex they have or we do---there is the "ick factor" that makes us say "you have sex??-----ooooo gross!!!" :bigrin::bigrin::bigrin:

[darkeyes]

This post kinda brings to mind this strange sorta thing many of us have in our minds----that among those who are close to us--our parents, brothers, sisters etc---no matter the sort of sex they have or we do---there is the "ick factor" that makes us say "you have sex??-----ooooo gross!!!" :bigrin::bigrin::bigrin:

.. well mayb not wiv me sista...things we tell each otha ya jus DON wanna 'ear... we hav our lil spats from time 2 time..but comparin notes an talkin sex togetha is summat we hav always dun...an is base..gross..rude..crude.. mucky.. an triff fun..

.. but me mum an dad an bruvva???? Wooooooeee .. jus don wanna kno..:eek:

..in ne case..is Fran not an immaculate conception????

[darkeyes]

It is certainly what I have been led to believe. ;)

Pasa

:tong:

Jus as long as me don end up wiv cuppla lumpsa wud an sum nails an big squaddie hammerin em in me rists an ankles an then get stuk up on toppa Calton Hill till me pops it..... reely don xpect me dad to wake me up an lemme walk bout for a cuppla days fore 'e raises me up 2 sky... mind u..mite b interestin... Bran New Testament wud much more fun an interestin readin than its predecessors... :bigrin: Book a Fran.. me likes it....:bigrin::tong:

[Jackal]

Yes they know. I told my mom because she was talking smack about someone I know who is bi (and is the worst fucking bi-fem. stereotype ever!) and I thought she should know that her daughter is one of those people. Not the best way to come out but I don't regret it. She then later told my dad and brother. I'm not sure why. I don't care but I don't know why she'd bother. I still have to beat it into her head that I'm bi, I like women, and no I dont' prefer men. They're just WAY more common.

I don't see your parents as needing to know your sexuality if you're not planning on being with someone outside of what they think is your sexuality. But as fairness to your partner, they should know so that your partner doesn't have to get caught up in it or be hidden.

About coming out to your partner, I'd say yes otherwise you'd be lying. Exceptions made if you're deep in a relationship and pretty sure that it's not going to go well. But I tell people pretty early on. Not because it's their right to know, but because it's my right to be who I am (that doesn't mean non-monogamy) and not hide things from my partner or censor myself. It's a part of me and it's not going anywhere so I like to make sure everyone is on the same page before we start something.

...I'm still trying to figure out why she told them....

[BLCHGK777]

Yep I told them and it was so damn stressful. I stuttered through the whole thing :eek: and they started getting the hint after I spat out the name of the person I had a crush on. My mom's a Christian and my dad's religion is... well I don't know... whatever their both religious and they agreed with this "That's what had us sitting here for five days? I don't understand why you found that so difficult." I was in shock! I thought they were going to whip out a Bible but I was happy they were so excepting. Then my dad got annoying and kept asking what she looked like...

[Jackal]

Yep I told them and it was so damn stressful. I stuttered through the whole thing :eek: and they started getting the hint after I spat out the name of the person I had a crush on. My mom's a Christian and my dad's religion is... well I don't know... whatever their both religious and they agreed with this "That's what had us sitting here for five days? I don't understand why you found that so difficult." I was in shock! I thought they were going to whip out a Bible but I was happy they were so excepting. Then my dad got annoying and kept asking what she looked like...

Hahahaha! That's pretty cool. Did they have an idea you liked women before this?

[Giggles100]

Well I had a dream last night that I had a serious boyfriend and we went out to dinner with my mum and dad :eek:.

Is my mind trying to tell me something?

[darkeyes]

yes my parents do know.

I agree with people who say that your parents and family should know if you are bisexual or gay.

Agree wivya Sloppy hun.... but unfortunately.. them self same parents r often the prob an r the cause a the guilt many gays n bi's feel for ther bein gay or bi.. but alas..we don live in the world so perfect.. so until parents bring ther offspring up 2 think for themsels properly.. b who they r..an wot they r wivout shame an guilt.. then its not quite so simple..

Ther is an argument 2 made for all those brought up wiv shame an guilt 2 confront parents no matta the cost as parta a gr8er war gainst bigotry.. sum do it now..mos dont.. mos avoid that confrontation.. cos mos actually luff ther parents..even many a those who fear 'em.. an even allowin for the fact that they hav brought those kids up in an atmosphere wer they cant b themsels.. the children wud go a long way fore they wud hurt ther parents an bring shame on 'em.. they avoid causin that hurt by suppressin who they r.. they liv wiv the shame an the pain.. by stayin in the closet...certainly as far as mums an dads r concerned.. :(

If only it wer othawise...:(

[BLCHGK777]

Hahahaha! That's pretty cool. Did they have an idea you liked women before this?

Well I guess they really paid attention to where I look (I have wandering eyes :tong:) and maybe they realized during my earlier crushes...

[Giggles100]

yes my parents do know.

I agree with people who say that your parents and family should know if you are bisexual or gay.

Wow I wish it was as black or white as that :eek:.

I'm petrified of coming out to my family. Absolutely petrified! :(

Even though my mum kinda knows...... Just the thought of "that conversation" and actually saying the words gay or bisexual in front of my family makes my stomach lurch and my eyes well up. I think I'd be a train wreck if it happened for real :(.

Like I said on my other post on this thread. Meeting Mr Right would possibly be the happiest time of my life yet would probably break me at the same time. I try not to think about it though and just try to have fun and enjoy but every now and again something happens like seeing a happy gay/lesbian couple holding hands..... Just kinda makes things resurface again.

[Bi_Druid]

My folk knew before I did. At least, they knew I wasn't 100% straight.

It was eventually confirmed for them by an old acquaintance, which caused some waves, mostly along the lines of "why did you feel you had to hide it from us, your parents, of all people?"
It took my dad a little while to get over, again mostly the hiding but also to get his head around me being Bi, not Gay or Straight but a bit of both.

Now they're more than fine with it, so long as I'm happy and not putting myself or others in any harm, they're happy.