In NEED OF HELP

[mikempl2008]

Hi , please can you help me . I told my wife New years eve i was bisexual and i had been speaking with a guy ( On the Internet)for 16 weeks . As you can imagine she is devasted as she had no clues . The guy i am speaking with knows i am married and Bi , my wife told me i need to choose him or her . I feel i can not make that decision right now . I love them both very much . I have never been with a guy but feel he is the right guy for me . For the last 13 days i have lived on auto pilot and i am so confused . My wife tried to end her life last week as she said life is not worth living if i am not in her life .
I am so confused .

[shanebby]

just have a really good think and pick which one makes you feel good about yourself?

[pelokwin]

I am so sorry.
Your problem as hard as it seems to figure out, is only because you are in it.
Step outside and look at it. For right now your main concern is your wife, you took a vow to protect her. If she is at the point of trying to end her life(it does not matter if it was a "cry for help" or not) she needs you to protect her from herself. Right now she is feeling so many different feelings from anger to sadness to betrayal to hopelessness etc.etc. and because it is not like you cheated on her with the woman next door, she may not know who to turn to or even how to talk to someone about what she should do. She needs you more then ever and the other guy does not.
First get her back to a stable place. Then very slowly talk about what to do next. If the guy is all that great, he will wait, if he won't, then he was not worth it to begin with.Givin some time she may be able to look at this through different eyes, and a happy end may find all of you.
Good luck, I hope this helps
Pelokwin

[locotom]

hi im so sorry for you both but i feel i have to echo pelokwins comments, your main concern must be your wife you accepted responsibility for her well being when she accepted you as her man i know that sounds old fashioned
but that's me, as pelokwin said he will wait if hes worth it but your wife needs you now, i think you must both go to counselling to resolve this but for now please give her your love and the reassurance she needs and to know that you will be there for her i know it probably doesnt help that much but i wish you both well and hope it turns out ok

[mikey3000]

Add my name to the above. Firstly, you must stablize the home situation. Get everyone into a safe place. If their are children, get them safe too. Do put the guy on hold. If he loves you he will totally understand. Seek councelling. I feel that there may be deeper issues than your sexuality if she attempted suicide. Get those resolved first. Now don't totallt back off the guy, just cut it back till yourfamily is stable. Then proceed with your wife in discussing things.

Do you feel it was a serious attempt on her part or just to bet back at you for hurting her? There is a huge difference, but approach each situation with caution. Did you say you were going to leave her? I can't fathom someone attempting suicide over someone's sexuality. There must be other issues. Look deeper.

Peace and luck to you!!!

[rissababynta]

Take your wife to a hospital/ER or a mental hospital. Suicide is no joke.

Also go see a licensed psychologist or a psychiatrist.

Nurses/Nurse practitioners even NPs that are for mental health, and social workers and counselors are not going to help you with your problem with your wife's suicidal issues and are complete garbage for this sort of thing and they do not have the education, training, or skills to help someone like her who is majorly clinically depressed and suicidal.

As for the guy, forget him right now your first and #1 concern right now is that of your wife since she's suicidal.

I pretty much agree with this right here. Number one, your wife and you needs to get help right away because this is obviously something not good. Number two, no matter how much you are liking this guy, he is not the most important thing in your life right now. If you don't think so, then perhaps it would be a good idea to take a look at your marriage.

[tenni]

I agree with the others. In hind site, however, I believe that you have overwhelmed her by introducing the fact that you have been chatting with a guy as well as telling her about your bisexuality. A little bit of information at a time might have been better but that is in the area of too late.

Definitely, you primary focus is on her and her mental health. There may have been other pre exisiting issues for her before you shared this information. She has lost her balance and needs help in regaining it. Her life is not over regardless what decision you take and she needs to regain that perspective.

At the same time seek help for yourself to help you. Check your community for support agencies for GLBT (bisexual, gay, lesbians and transgendered ) as they may be able to give you the most support for yourself. I doubt that you need a psychiatrist and such groups will have bisexual sensitive counsellors /psychologists.

[mikempl2008]

Hi , thanks for all your views, I guess i needed a nudge to wake up and smell the coffee. I do not think for one minute her taking her life was a serious attempt BUT i can not take that chance . She woke me and told me she had released me and taking care of everything , she had taken 50 tablets . I have been to the dr's and have been given numbers to ring . My wife refuses to talk with anyone at the minute but i am trying everyday . Strange as it may seem i really do not know what i want in my life , i know this may sound as if i am a coward or being cruel. I am just unsure . I agree with the comments and will will try my best to protect her . Do you think trust can be gained back ? , or is it a bit late for thinking that .Have i sealed my fate

[tenni]

No one can predict your fate. You are not a coward or cruel. Take it one day at a time. You are human and dealing with an awareness of your sexuality.

If your wife refuses to get help, I'm not sure about the legalities in your community about involuntary admissions. Ask your family doctor about involuntary admission for suicide attempts. Do not take her actions as a bluff. Even if it may be manipulation, she will do it again when she feels pressure and succeed that time (even accidentally). One suicide attempt often leads to another in the future without assistance.

First, and primarily seek help for yourself to guide you through the next month or so until you feel your own balance returning for yourself.


Hi , thanks for all your views, I guess i needed a nudge to wake up and smell the coffee. I do not think for one minute her taking her life was a serious attempt BUT i can not take that chance . She woke me and told me she had released me and taking care of everything , she had taken 50 tablets . I have been to the dr's and have been given numbers to ring . My wife refuses to talk with anyone at the minute but i am trying everyday . Strange as it may seem i really do not know what i want in my life , i know this may sound as if i am a coward or being cruel. I am just unsure . I agree with the comments and will will try my best to protect her . Do you think trust can be gained back ? , or is it a bit late for thinking that .Have i sealed my fate

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Ya know, I'm going to sound like a bitch right now, but bear with me...
Can you not see what is right in front of you, before your eyes?? You have a woman right in front of you that loves you so much that she cannot stand the thought of you not being with her...so much so that she tries to end her own life. Doesnt that tell you something? That she should be more important than a mere infatuation???
Is her life less meaningful than fulfilling an urge and/or fantasy? You'd better think about this, Hon. In the mean time, get her in counsiling, and go With her. This is something you two need to resolve...but together.

I understand you having needs, but you have a greater responsibility than to yourself, and that life felt so alone and horrible, and betrayed that she tried to end it. Cant you imagine how that feels?

I feel for both of ya Hon, but get some help Now. :(
Cat

[pelokwin]

Hi , thanks for all your views, I guess i needed a nudge to wake up and smell the coffee. I do not think for one minute her taking her life was a serious attempt BUT i can not take that chance . She woke me and told me she had released me and taking care of everything , she had taken 50 tablets . I have been to the dr's and have been given numbers to ring . My wife refuses to talk with anyone at the minute but i am trying everyday . Strange as it may seem i really do not know what i want in my life , i know this may sound as if i am a coward or being cruel. I am just unsure . I agree with the comments and will will try my best to protect her . Do you think trust can be gained back ? , or is it a bit late for thinking that .Have i sealed my fate
There is ALWAYS a chance, but you have got to want it, fight for it, be the man she said YES to wed.
I do agree with all above that said, "deeper issues". Both of you need to work together to make things better, but for now YOU must step up and handle things.
again the best of luck to you both, and remember you are not alone:grouphug:
Pelokwin

[mikempl2008]

I understand everything said , i need to sort my head out before i can do anything , you can not imagine how i felt the night she tried to kill herself , This was something i was born into , it is not a game of chance . I married my wife because i love her so much and thought 100% that this is how it would stay forever . But feelings change . I will protect her as best as i can . But on the other hand , i should not be made to feel i am a bad person . I have feelings as well , and right now i feel i have no turning back , because as days pass more Family memebers are finding out . In my head i am thinking i just want to leave both sides of my current life and go away where nobody knows me BUT i created this mess and will stick with it . I am not a coward or a bad person , i am human and humans make mistakes:(

[mikey3000]

I understand everything said , i need to sort my head out before i can do anything , you can not imagine how i felt the night she tried to kill herself , This was something i was born into , it is not a game of chance . I married my wife because i love her so much and thought 100% that this is how it would stay forever . But feelings change . I will protect her as best as i can . But on the other hand , i should not be made to feel i am a bad person . I have feelings as well , and right now i feel i have no turning back , because as days pass more Family memebers are finding out . In my head i am thinking i just want to leave both sides of my current life and go away where nobody knows me BUT i created this mess and will stick with it . I am not a coward or a bad person , i am human and humans make mistakes:(

Yes, you are absolutely right. Feelings do change, cause people change. You are not a bad person at all. Believe me whan I say I have the urge to run away too. Just find a nice little forest to live out my days. I am made to feel so ashamed of who I am. Made to feel dirty and less of a person cause my bisexual feelings. I originally thought things were alright, cause that's what I was told, but I no longer think that's true. It is emotional warfare in my home right now, but I CAN'T leave and I can't fight back. I just have to sit there and suck it up and listen to how bad of a person I am for having done what I've done. Then 1/2 an hour later she bawling on how sorry she is to say those things to me. Then two days later IT starts all over again. I'm the asshole, I'm the prick, how could I do this? Yet I still have to support her and her issues too. Biggest mistake I ever did was comming out to her. What the hell was I thinking. I've learned that fantasy is much different than reality. For her, the fantasy of me being with another man is amazing, and turns her on immensely, even us getting in volved in the gay community, watching the gay movies, everything. But when It comes down to the reality of me being with another man, "how can you?" "I'm your wife", "you made a promise to me" is all I get. And she is right. I made my bed...

"So now I'm prayin for the end of time..."

[citystyleguy]

a bit late in the offering, but the man in your life needs to be told what's up, he is going to be on hold for X amount of time, etc.

take care of your wife first; then, when you're certain as can be that everything is level, deal with her feelings, thoughts, concerns, but do not lie, even if you think it feels right. if it is still too much, and you may not appreciate this take, tell the guy that right now there is not any chance for now that you can give serious thought to pursuing the ltr.

as time goes, let us pray that you two can create a mutually acceptable life together; let us know what happens!

[pelokwin]

I understand everything said , i need to sort my head out before i can do anything , you can not imagine how i felt the night she tried to kill herself , This was something i was born into , it is not a game of chance . I married my wife because i love her so much and thought 100% that this is how it would stay forever . But feelings change . I will protect her as best as i can . But on the other hand , i should not be made to feel i am a bad person . I have feelings as well , and right now i feel i have no turning back , because as days pass more Family memebers are finding out . In my head i am thinking i just want to leave both sides of my current life and go away where nobody knows me BUT i created this mess and will stick with it . I am not a coward or a bad person , i am human and humans make mistakes:(
I am sorry to say it this way and I hope it does not make you feel worse, but your feelings, right now, NOT important. When we make choices in life and we do not think them through or can't really see the end result, we have to make the right moves when the shit hits the fan, so to speak. No you were not in control of you Bi feelings but you ARE in control of how you deal with others. I am a hard core traditionalist when it comes to marriage, i.e.I do not believe in divorce until ALL else fails. The vows we take should NEVER be take so lightly that in the back of our heads we are saying,"aw hell if things get hard I can just bail and start over". Like I said you took a vow to take care of her, as did she, and right now she needs you. If you have to be put up against a wall and be stoned, just to give her a moments peace, then do it.
So right now starts the rest of your life, MAN UP AND DIG IN DEEP!! because it will get harder as time goes on, but with a huge amount of work on your part and some prof. help for the both of you, you both can get over this and in the end you may be stronger for it.
Again sorry for being a little harsh, but you sound like you need a kick in the pants.
YOU ARE NOT WEAK, A COWARD, BAD, OR ALONE!!
Take care
Pelokwin

[mikempl2008]

I feel once i told my wife , i have no turning back . I regret telling her the way i did , but whats done is done . She will never be able to trust me again and i can understand that , something i have hidden for 39 years has now become public . My heart bleeds everyday when i see her crying , all my pride has gone , i do not feel good knowing i have made her feel this way . I do not feel like a man anymore , i am not feeling self pity or for anyone to take pity on me . I am just confused and exhausted .

[by~his~side]

I feel once i told my wife , i have no turning back . I regret telling her the way i did , but whats done is done . She will never be able to trust me again and i can understand that , something i have hidden for 39 years has now become public . My heart bleeds everyday when i see her crying , all my pride has gone , i do not feel good knowing i have made her feel this way . I do not feel like a man anymore , i am not feeling self pity or for anyone to take pity on me . I am just confused and exhausted .


True, there is no turning back. True, what's done is done.
Not true that she will never be able to trust you again!
Many realtionships have recovered from all types of issues.
A 100% commitment on both your parts to work on the marriage
and an excellent therapist is what you need to give yourselves
a chance.
Read my profile.
Do you think the second my husband told me that he was a bi sexual man
I threw my arms around his neck and proclaimed myself the luckiest woman
in the world?? Yeah.....only in every bi guys fantasy does that happen.
I'm speaking from experience here, my friend.
A qualified therapist will talk to you both and in a safe enviroment help guide you as you both process this set back.
You both have fears that need to be expressed and someone who can seperate the emotions from the fear needs to be there to help you.
100% commitment. You need to ask yourself if you have that to give to
your marriage.

By the way, please understand that the therapists job is not to convince your wife
to accept your bi sexuality. The therapist offers a safe place for the both of you to express your feelings. They should monitor how you react/respond to each other and help you 'fight fair'.

Feel free to email me if I can add anything else that you might find helpful.
Afterall, I do have the wives perspective to my advantage.

Best of Luck to you.
~D~