Is strictly "cyber" cheating?

[Ushanki]

I’m one of those “older guys.” An elder who still likes his sex and I hope to keep the cummers coming for many more years to come. (And I don’t equate love and sex). I am in a long time, loving and monogamous relationship which happens to be heterosexual. Age affects us all differently - and in our case, sex is great.
For me. Chit happens.
We cope - openly. But the discussed and lingering shadow of guilt looms overs me. I feel badly she...can’t enjoy as I do. So I find solace in cyberspace - explore my bi-sexual fantasies, etc. Mhm, I know...temptations - I keep it cyber. Am I wrong to do so?

[FalconAngel]

Cyber is one of those grey areas.

Some consider it cheating, while others consider it not cheating.

A lot of it depends on the individuals involved.......like the partners of the people doing it.

[Ushanki]

Cyber is one of those grey areas.

Some consider it cheating, while others consider it not cheating.

A lot of it depends on the individuals involved.......like the partners of the people doing it.

I know you didn't mean that as a pun, "grey," but does age and faithfulness earn us any special consideration?

[Ushanki]

BTW - FA, since a look at your profile, I read considerable kindness and understanding from the look of the demeanor and countenance of you (both?), thank you. :)

[Annika L]

I’m one of those “older guys.” An elder who still likes his sex and I hope to keep the cummers coming for many more years to come. (And I don’t equate love and sex). I am in a long time, loving and monogamous relationship which happens to be heterosexual. Age affects us all differently - and in our case, sex is great.
For me. Chit happens.
We cope - openly. But the discussed and lingering shadow of guilt looms overs me. I feel badly she...can’t enjoy as I do. So I find solace in cyberspace - explore my bi-sexual fantasies, etc. Mhm, I know...temptations - I keep it cyber. Am I wrong to do so?

We seem to have regular conversations in here about defining "cheating". But although we can define "cheating", we can't define universally what *constitutes* cheating in a given relationship.

Cheating is anything that violates an agreement. If you and your partner agree that oral sex is ok, but not penetration, then oral sex isn't cheating, but penetration is. If you and your partner agree that a wink is cheating, then it is.

I have no clue what the understandings are between your and your partner, so I cannot make a clear call on whether cyber is cheating for you (but I also can't tell whether having a banana daiquiri with another person is cheating in your relationship).

With the level of openness you describe between your partner and yourself, I would say that if there is no explicit agreement about cyber, then it's because your partner hasn't considered that it might be a possibility. Under those circumstances, *I* (not necessarily you or anyone else) would feel compelled to bring it up and *make* an explicit understanding (whether or not I liked the outcome). If I didn't do that, I would feel that I was cheating, because I was effectively taking advantage of a "loophole" in the general "no sex except between us" agreement. Do you and your partner have an explicit understanding about sex with space aliens? If not, and you met a sexy space alien, would the fact that you don't have an understanding make you feel justified in having sex with the alien until your partner finds out?

Ultimately, I suppose you must let your conscience be your guide, but cyber isn't a grey area any more or less than anything else.

[Ushanki]

Annika L.,
Her feelings come first. BUT - if I have a "private," and I mean non-offending, (aside, I like to have BJ's - which I get, but afterwards feel guilty about) - (or otherwise, yeah masturbatory, life on the side...like this post, which, though not part and parcel, totally real), sex-life, I mean if I jerk-off to avoid guilt, and, hypothetically, use your image for a fantasy, is that a cheat? (sorry if the imagery offends).

[pelokwin]

I would define "cheating" in any relationship as doing something emotional and/or physical behind ,or with out their consent, their back for you own gratification. If you view cyber in the same "E&P" state as porn, not cheating. If you start building relationships, you are about to cross that line into the "grey area" FalconAngel brought up.
Take care

[Ushanki]

I would define "cheating" in any relationship as doing something emotional and/or physical behind ,or with out their consent, their back for you own gratification. If you view cyber in the same "E&P" state as porn, not cheating. If you start building relationships, you are about to cross that line into the "grey area" FalconAngel brought up.
Take care

Then, by UR own logic, isn't masturbation "cheating." And what healthy male or female, in the, say, absence of their mates, for whatever reason, hasn't masturbated?

[rissababynta]

Then, by UR own logic, isn't masturbation "cheating." And what healthy male or female, in the, say, absence of their mates, for whatever reason, hasn't masturbated?

Most mates not only know that people masturbate but are ok with their partner doing so, therefore it wouldn't be something done behind their back, or in a sneaky matter.

I once caught my husband jerking it in the shower and I was so pissed. It was not like I was out of the house, or taking care of the kids or anything like that. I was downstairs watching TV. I felt offended that he would rather do that then just call me up the stairs and get the real thing. He explained to me that he was thinking about me and it just randomly got hard so he decided to take care of it there in the shower, and I explained how his action to me came across as sneaky and offensive and we both came to an understanding over the situation.

To go a step further, one of my close friends from high school was with a guy for 2 years. He was obsessed, I mean OBSESSED, with jerking off. He would do it before and after sex the majority of the time and whenever he had free time. She talked to him about how she felt like he would prefer to spend time alone with his hand than her half the time, and he laughed it off but made no changes. Eventually, she broke up with him because, in her words, "I felt as though I was being cheated on on a daily basis and the mistress was Righty."

[rissababynta]

Some people consider physical action as cheating, some consider any kind of action showing a sexual interest in someone (flirting) as a form of cheating. It's in the eye of the beholder.

I'm one of those people where I feel that openly flirting with another behind the back of a partner is something that I wouldn't go screaming "cheater" about, but it should be addressed quickly. I see no difference when it comes to online or in person. It is still one person acting one way to another, whether they can see each other or not. My husband feels the same way.

The only time I see no gray area when it comes to this is when someone voluntarily goes behind their partners back to go have sex with someone else with every intention of keeping it secret.

[Ushanki]

Rissa,
To my defense, please understand, there are people, my partner being one of them, that have little to no, sexual drive, let alone experience (hardly a reason to stop loving, and I don't mean to belabor the point) so out of love...I force myself into in inhibition...mostly....I mean I ask for certain acts...receive SOME, not all, move on...but then am less than physically satisfied after I do so, feel gulty because she doesn't feel the enjoyment I do.
It leaves me wanting. So I later, I "cheat" in most opinions. Therein lies the rub.
And this Bisexual site is a "rub" site. Bi's have the worst of both worlds - a monogamous relationship with one sex, yet harboring a longing for the other - and, in my case, monogamous but wanting more - of BOTH???

[tenni]

I find your posts a bit confusing rather than clarifying.

You start with the initial question as to whether cyber sex is cheating. You also mention bj which sounded like an actual physical act rather than cybering about getting a bj? I think that it is important that people don't make quick judgements about another person's sexual activity without understanding the factors . I don't believe that there is a one size fits all when it comes to our sexuality and sexual expression. Are you hurting your partner physcially, psychologically or emotionally by cyber sexing?

You mention that you and your wife cope-openly. Does your wife know that you enjoy cyber sex? If she does, and you still feel guilt, then that to me is a different situation than doing cyber without your wife's awareness. You mention that you regret that she can not experience the joy of sexual release that you experience.

If I have it correct, then I would remind you that sex is a basic need similar to food, air and water. Those that are not able to enjoy sexual pleasure are missing out on a basic need. I would assume that your wife's condition has been examined medically. if it is a physical condition that makes intercourse difficult for her or some other aging issue where she has lost her sex dirve and you have not, you should not feel guilty for needing a basic human need. If cybering works for you and makes you feel that you have met your sexual needs, then accept that even if others hold a view that you are cheating. I would write that if the above interpretation is correct that you are a caring, loving partner. If all other aspects of your marriage are good, then the sexual differences that have developed due to aging are being handled by you in a most honourable manner. It shouldn't matter whether you are cybering with a female or a male under these conditions.



Rissa,
To my defense, please understand, there are people, my partner being one of them, that have little to no, sexual drive, let alone experience (hardly a reason to stop loving, and I don't mean to belabor the point) so out of love...I force myself into in inhibition...mostly....I mean I ask for certain acts...receive SOME, not all, move on...but then am less than physically satisfied after I do so, feel gulty because she doesn't feel the enjoyment I do.
It leaves me wanting. So I later, I "cheat" in most opinions. Therein lies the rub.
And this Bisexual site is a "rub" site. Bi's have the worst of both worlds - a monogamous relationship with one sex, yet harboring a longing for the other - and, in my case, monogamous but wanting more - of BOTH???

[Giggles100]

I think that if you have to ask the question "is this cheating?" then it probably is :).

Different couples have different idea's. There is no point talking in generic's when some couples have poly/open relationships and others are extremely closed (esp if one or more partner has insecurities). The spectrum of human relationships must easily be as wide and varied as the orientation of bisexual! We are all unique so no one answer can be right except the one in your heart.

Use your own mind to decide. If it feels uneasy well........ you know what the answer is ;)

[FalconAngel]

I know you didn't mean that as a pun, "grey," but does age and faithfulness earn us any special consideration?

Not really. Although it may earn you points to get permissions for things.

[FalconAngel]

BTW - FA, since a look at your profile, I read considerable kindness and understanding from the look of the demeanor and countenance of you (both?), thank you. :)

Yes, it is both, and thank you. :)

[open2both]

Cyber is NOT cheating!
Enuff said