I dont want to loose her

[BooBooKittie]

I've had a very close friend for the past 7+ years. She is my best friend, my sister [not blood related], and my backbone. I love her with all my heart. I have never been as close with anyone as I am with her... but I think it might be all over.
A while ago she invited me & my guy over just to have a few drinks, play video games and such. It was just the four of us [me & my fiance & her & her husband]. We grew up together, so naturally we have a million inside jokes, including the "i had her first" joke to our significant others and "omg i feel ssooo lesbian right now" Being that she's straight it's hilarious cause it's not like anything would ever happen... right ?
Years ago she went through her curious phase and dated a mutual friend of ours. Knowing her like I do I knew it wouldn't last long, which it didn't. We all stayed friends and they went on to their heterosexual ways. However, this night, somehow it came up and she admitted to me that they never tried anything, though she wanted to. We had been drinking by that point and all the emotions started pouring out and the conversation jumped from one thing to another and by the end of it I had admitted that I had a crush on her in high school and was jealous of her "relationship" with our friend and she had admitted how beautiful she thought I was and if she were to ever do anything she'd want it to be with me. I can hold my wine a bit better than her, but I was still flattered. When we met back up with the boys they knew something was up and then the unthinkable happened...
She kissed me... in front of them... she kissed me...
And I don't mean a shy peck on the cheek. She ran her fringers into my hair and slammed a passionate kiss on my lips. I hadn't been with a woman in quite a while [2 long term relationships w/ men back-to-back] and I just couldn't help myself. If I had a penis I would've came in my pants - I was SO stoked. I couldn't help but give it right back to her. Naturally it progressed and got pretty hot n heavy. We all tried to have fun with it, but when it became apparent that we were more into each other than our men I stopped it and took my guy aside and finished it that way.
When I woke up the next morning all I could do was laugh like "wow, did that really happen?" I didn't have time to even talk to her or her husband before we left that morning [yay work] which didn't seem important at the time. As the day went on and all these questions were arising... "What's she going to say?" "Does she even remember?" "Will my baby leave me?" "What have I done?!" Being that I'm pretty comfortable with my sexuality it wasn't a big deal to me at first, just an extremely stupid, intoxicated night. I don't know what I would do if I lost her friendship. I haven't seen her in 2 weeks, she doesn't text me unless I text her. She just wants to forget it ever happened. She told me she cried when her husband told her everything and she only has bits and peices. I admit I was a little hurt by her reaction, but I honestly don't know how she feels about me anymore. Who knows what she thinks I think of her. I'm not interested in being romantically invovled with her at all. And to top it all off I'm pretty sure I've made my guy insecure about "dating a 'bi' chick". The experience woke something up in me that I hadn't felt in so long and now I feel so utterly guilty and I have no idea how to handle this. I honestly don't know which would hurt more. Loosing her or him. I'm trying to be patient and let her come to me if she still wants to be friends, but I'm still so anxious I have a panic attach every other day. I'm not really sure if I'm asking for advice or just wanted to tell someone. I feel so alone in this.

[BLCHGK777]

This pain you are feeling may seem like it will last for ages but it will not. Now I believe it is time now for you to talk instead of assuming how each other feels. If done this also may be a time to clear the air about the kiss. Time and conversation can heal a lot of things. The healing may not happen right away but it will be a start to better understanding in the friendship and also may form a deeper bond. And if you don't feel comfortable talking right now that is okay but keep in mind that the longer delay of conversation to bring this uncomfortable feeling to a halt the deeper the wounds may grow in this friendship. Now do not rush the process either that will only hurt the whole and may cause the end of the bond. Now if conversation is not wanted on the other end then that is a sign that the friendships is either not wanted to be repaired or that she needs more time also to get things together which might cause an even longer delay. But first off I recommend you talk to your boyfriend/husband first. he might feel that you are slipping from him like you feel like you are feeling like you are slipping from him so talk and take your time because hast makes waste. I hope you find my information helpful and I am sorry if it is not. I hope for the best for you and your friendship.

[Waltzing_Matilda]

It's a shame this post hasn't warranted more replies. My heart goes out to you and I feel I have little experience here. Let me offer you this.

I am not very experienced sexually in female/female relationships. Most that I have had have happened only cyberly...However, I have loved a woman beyond any relationship I've had with a man. This relationship was special because I felt there was nothing I could do or say that would anger or confuse this woman to the point of leaving me. She was truly my best friend, but my feelings went way beyond a friendship.

She told me once of a sexual experience she had with another woman and said she had never had such beautiful sex. I never had the opportunity to tell her that I was deeply in love with her and I wanted to be the one that made her feel that way.

I lost this beautiful woman, in 1998 and I never had that opportunity. She died on December 8th. My world changed and my relationship with my husband began to slowly unravell.

It's taken me 11 years to admit to my desires to anyone. My husband and I are in the process of a divorce and I know that my sexuality has reached a new level. I am still seeking that feeling that I had with her....only differently. I love women...and I also love men. But the relationships I seek are commited as well as open. I feel I can love more than one at a time and love them completely...and sometimes wonder that if there was an opportunity for my husband and I to welcome my other love into our home if that would have been an ideal situation for me. I am not closing myself to anything that feels safe and loving today. I'm getting on in age and desire the warmth and love of a woman and the romanticism and safety I feel with a man.

I don't know if what I shared is helpful....but you stirred a memory in me of someone I let slip through my fingers...and I feel a bit envious that I was not even able to kiss her the way you have your friend. I would not have regretted it afterwards....and I believe that she and I could have shared what feelings the experience brought up and I find it sad that the two of you are not able to process this together.

I've had a lot of "life" experiences that I can either regret, or utilize as a stepping stone to a better future for myself. I know that if I find myself in this situation again, I will not regret telling that person how I feel. What comes of the relationship after that is up to the universe....and though there may be some pain involved, I will have a sense of dedication to my own feelings and desires. I just have to be cautious of my motives and the other persons situation.

I hope things resolve themselves....

Blessings...
"Mati"

[biblissful]

[QUOTE=Waltzing_Matilda;151049]It's a shame this post hasn't warranted more replies. My heart goes out to you and I feel I have little experience here. Let me offer you this

I think some of us in our lives have experience this pain. I did and I fine it hard to response. Cry till you can't any more. Don't push it, let her take the first step and always be open. Some people are not honest about their own feelings and you have to give her time. Also for her, if she wants to pretend that nothing happen let her because if you want that friendship this maybe the cost.

[Realist]

I agree wholeheartedly with everything that was said above. That was some of the most sensible advice I've heard, here.

But, in addition, I think you should look into yourself and see what is truly your feelings about this. Then, if you feel you need to tell this girl how you feel about her, maybe you should.

I'll tell you why: A lady who used to work for me, told me of a similar situation.

During a party and some alcohol, she and another girl began kissing. She had long wanted to be with her, but it only happened when her inhibitions were eased by the drinks. Like in your situation, the girl kissed her back, passionately.

Later, she was afraid she'd over-stepped her boundaries and didn't want to face the other girl.

Months, maybe a year, went by.

Some time later, they met again and the other girl told her she always wondered why there was no more contact. She was hurt, wanted to be with the girl who worked for me, and even dreamed of it.

However, by that time they each had boyfriends, who would not want them to be together, and their opportunity had been lost.

[Rudy75]

BooBoo,

Obviously you do feel ddeply about this girl, or you wouldn't be so upset right now. So maybe you may want a relationship with her after all. If she kissed you, she likely cares for you as well. Besides, going to pieces as she did is a little over the top, don't you think?

Text her. Act normal. Give it time.

When things are more comfortable, let her know if you'd be open to a relationship.

[BooBooKittie]

Thank You EVERYONE for replying ! It's SO nice to get this off my chest and actually get feedback. I appreciate it all ! Reading over the replies makes me realize how irrational I've been feeling. I believe our friendship runs too deep to fall apart over this, even if a lot more happened than just a kiss. I will be patient.
Thank You everyone again !