We're almost there, but not quite...

[mikey3000]

Hello all. A quick update on my progress on the home front...

My wife has bee so understanding with me and my sexuality, and for the most part is cool with it. But occasionally we have set backs that are very hard for her to deal with. She loves the IDEA of me being with guys, loves the effect it has on me (says what I'm a much happier person after being with my guys), I'm a much better lover to which she reaps the rewards, and the imagery of me with other men feeds her fantasies for weeks. But the problem is reality. She is having occasional difficulty with me ACTUALLY being sexual with men. Last night she had a big melt down. I've come to realise that she thinks it is still her fault that I have these cravings, that it is something that she hasn't done for me, or is not capable of fulfilling me as a person, and she feels so bad about it. I try so hard to make her see that it isn't about her or what she hasn't/can't do for me, that it really is about me and my needs. She is trying very hard to understand this, but I see that she is struggling. And because she is struggling, I'm struggling. I've even offered to stop my behaviour all together so we can deal with it, but she insists that I keep up with it and my male friends. She has actually grown to really like a couple of my friends very much. I've also recently learned that my wife is quite jealous that I have the courage to go out and make these new friends while she wants to do that too, especially female friends (again her bi tendencies?), but doesn't have the nerve to do it yet.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm getting mixed messages from her, that she thoroughly enjoys me being with men, and loves all the side benefits of it, but yet is still trying to cope with the reality. What do I do? How do I handle this? We've talked till we are both emotionally exhausted, but she still has a bit of a problem with it.

Any advice would be greatfully appreciated.

[eddy10]

I feel you have taken the most important step by openly communicating. That will help in your transition. You might want to pull back just a bit on your male activities until your wife adjusts and sees there is no threat to your relation to her. Just keep on keeping on with the open dialog and it will smooth out.
Just my opinion .

[csrakate]

No matter how understanding a spouse can be, it still must be difficult to sit alone at home knowing that your loved one is having sex with someone else. Basically you are moving on without her...experiencing new and exciting things and while you are sharing them with her, she is not actually going through any of the experiences WITH you. Of course she is jealous...of course she feels left out...of course she feels left behind. Try harder to not be TOO excited about your hook ups....I know she enjoys hearing about them, but try to concentrate a bit more on how it just makes you want HER a bit more. I am sure you are doing this, but perhaps you need to step it up a bit while she continues to adjust to this new way of life for the two of you. And by all means keep sharing and talking.

[rutemptedalso]

I'm in the same coming out process as you are. My wife and I both are from Christian back grounds and have been taught all our lives that everything sex nudity ect. is wrong. That doesn't make my feelings go away though. I haven't seen any guys sence my teen years and I don't want to until I have her full approval. That day may never come but I am thankful that it has brought my wife and I very much closer together. I don't have to be afraid to admit to my wife that I am Bi oriented and probably even Bi sexual.
I had heard in the past the the Bible had been mistranslated. Of course out of fear I didn't want to believe it. Who wants to die and go to hell? It's all been pilling up for 47years and I finally have gotten to the point that I'm willing to risk it all to find the truth. I found a couple of websites that have answered a lot of questions and relieved a lot of fear. Maybe you already know about them but if not I hope they might help. cohss.com This on even has a free online study guide. troublewith.com this one helped me sort out all the childhood emotional problems. I've learned some things like Hebrew words sometimes had two meanings and were translated differant. And that the meaning homosexuality didn't even exist until the 20th century. And that the verse in the Bible that says that a man should not lay with another man the way he would a woman was one of the holy laws ment for the Israelites before they could enter into the promiseland. (I guess a woman could lay with a woman though) Another one of those laws was that they couldn't weave two differant kinds of thread together. Why do we use polyester and cotton together today if it's such a terrible sin?
I'm really disapointed in the Church or at least the translaters for not translating all the differant translations instead of what fullfiled thier needs. I guess they didn't think we were smart enough to deside for ourselves. I probably had something to do with the offering plate. Just control freaks - the world is full of them. Well, that's enough venting for now I guess.
Tell your wife I admire her for being there for you during your journey to fill that void that so many of us have.
Good Luck and God Bless the both of you!

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Way to be sensitive to someone else's problem, Isit. :rolleyes:

Mikey, reassure her all of the time that you love and care for her more than your male friends..and Keep doing this. But Do offer her the opportunity to sit in the room with ya'll and observe sometime. Its very hot, and she may enjoy it. I know I have before and its very enjoyable. :} ;)
Just a suggestion Sweetie.
Cat

[sprite]

Amen Ontheside -
you need to reassure her she is still desireable sexually, that you have no desire to leave her for a man. Is she accustomed to alot of touch, affection from you? Do you not give quite as much sometimes because you are distracted by your desire for men? Yes it is hard for you. But it is what she needs. Have you talked to her about what her needs are? Is she able to express that? It always comes back to communication. She may not be able to articulate her needs. Do you have a date nite? have you had a date nite lately? just the two of you? just thoughts. Hope they help. All the best.:)

[FalconAngel]

These things happen, Mikey.

In addition to all of the very good advice that you have already gotten, try seeking out information on the web on this subject; specifically on relationships and Bisexuality in mixed orientation relationships.

Also, have her come on here an ask questions of the people here. Plenty are willing to help her cope, since we do have more than a few M/O couples here (we are one of them).

[mooon]

Mikey3000,
If I understand your question correctly...
Tell your beloved the following (I'm assuming it is true for you):
I love you.
I would leave everything for you. All material possesions, job, family.
I love you, cannot leave you, and do not wish to harm you.
I also have a passion that divides my very soul.
I am bisexual... and am discovering in bits and leaps... what that means.
Please forgive me any hurt to your feelings.
At the same time I love you, I cannot resist my nature.
Please forgive me any hurt to your feelings.
I love you and hope you can still love me.

Such good advice.

This is pretty close to what I did with my wife.
It seemed to be the best thing.

The other advice is all good, too.
Backing off for a bit, and focusing lots of attention on her may help.
Perhaps she would feel better if she met some of the guys you are interested in? It helped for me. Something about the devil you know is less scary than the devil you don't know.
As to having her participate, I would want to be sure that that was her idea too.
YMMV

:male:

[open2both]

It's SUCH a women thang!
Good luck

[mikey3000]

Thanks guys!!! All very good advice (even you, ISITALLOVERMYFACE, I love a good laugh!!). All we do is talk about it, and try to understand. And she really is doing so well. Just sometimes she has relapses, and I totally understand. She knows that I'd NEVER leave her, and I know that she'd never leave me. Our bond is too strong (um, yeah see my other post, LOL!). That's why I'm trying my best to help her understand me, and she's doing her best too.

Part of the problem is that we realized that she is a tad jealous of me because I found the courage to take the plunge and explore my bi side while she, although curious, hasn't found the courage yet. And I will not push her at all. Just encourage her when SHE decides she's ready. So in the mean time, we just talk, talk and talk. I just wonder how I'd react if the shoe was on the other foot.