VERY UPSET AND CONFUSED...NEED ADVICE PLEASE

[kellym]

I AM A MOTHER OFF 2,I FOUND OUT MY PARTNER WAS ON CHAT ROOMS RECENTLY,ONLY LAST NIGHT I FOUND OUT IT'S NOT WOMEN HE'S MESSING AROUND WITH,IT'S MEN.HE POSTED A MESSAGE ON THE GAY CHAT ROOM ASKING FOR OLDER MEN ONLY(HE'S 28)I PRETENDED TO BE THIS MAN AND WAS COULDN'T BELIEVE WHAT HE WAS SAYING BACK TO ME,ASKING IF I WANTED HIM TO DRESS UP AND PLEASE ME,THE OLDER THE BETTER AND WORSE STILL AFTER ONLY 3 MESSAGES ASKING IF I WAS UP FOR MEETING HIM.(HE NEVER FOLLOWED THROUGH WITH IT THOUGH)I FEEL SICK,I ASKED HIM VERY CALMLY LAST NIGHT WHEN HE GOT IN WHAT HE WAS DOING AND THAT IN-FACT I WAS THIS MADE-UP MAN HE WAS TALKING TOO,HE JUST WENT VERY QIUET,DENIED IT THEN ADMITTED IT SAYING THAT FOR THE PAST YEAR HE HAS HAD SEXUAL FEELINGS FOR OTHER MEN,THAT HE HADN'T MET UP WITH OR DONE ANYTHING WITH ANY MEN,HE WAS JUST TRYING TO FIND OUT WHAT HIS FEELINGS WERE,HE SAYS THE DRESSING UP THING AND OLDER MEN WAS JUST MADE-UP?I WANT TO WORK THIS OUT,I LOVE HIM AND WANT US TO STAY TOGETHER,HE SAYS NOW THAT ME FINDING OUT HAS SORTED HIM OUT AND HE HAS NO FEELINGS FOR MEN ANYMORE(IS IT AS SIMPLE AS THAT?!CAN IT JUST 'GO AWAY'?.....I REALLY DON'T KNOW...ALL HE SAYS IT THAT ITS ME HE LOVES AND HE WANTS TO BE WITH ME FOREVER,HAVE MORE KIDS....I DON'T DOUBT HE LOVES ME,MY HEADS IN BITS,PLEASE CAN I HAVE GENUINE ADVICE AND THOUGHTS AS I AM HEARTBROKEEN AND IF IT WASN'T FOR MY KIDS I WOULD JUST CURL UP AND DIE

[**Peg**]

ok Kelly....first thing... please don't type in CAPS... it's interpreted as yelling and is very difficult to read, especially with no spaces.

now... many women have been in your shoes, and you might not believe it right now, but this is not the end of the world. I encourage you to keep up a dialogue with your partner - keeping the lines of communication open will help both of you feel more secure. On the other hand, I recommend that you immediately stop spying on him - that is totally counterproductive. Kelly lots of men fantasize about such things, but that doesn't necessarily mean they will act on them.

I suggest you start reading some of the forum postings here, there is a lot of good advice here for you.


good luck to both of you

Peg

[Realist]

I agree with Peg. He probably does love you with all his heart and it's obvious that you love him, but are hurt.

It happens to both genders!

As a retired supervisor and counselor for the military, I can tell you that where there's smoke, there's usually fire! If he's gone that far, he's been having fantasies, dreams and probably has thought about it for some time. Maybe he even had sexual contact with boys, when he was a child, too.

It's time for him to come clean and be open and honest with you! This is not going to be easy for you, but hopefully your love will hold you together, without you both fighting and being mean to each other.

There are spouses of bisexual people who are members here, and they may be able to help you. I'd advise you to find a marriage counselor who understands your situation and will work with you to resolve this issue.

Your husband MUST learn to be honest with you, now, and put everything on the table. Without that, you will never be able to take appropriate actions.

Good luck to you and please don't do anything hasty, or irrational. If your marriage is to be saved, you both are going to have to work hard to regain the trust that's been damaged.

[BiPhone]

Im a bisexual man and I have the best girl ever. I would never trade her for a man but I have had sex with men while I've been with her (With her knowing it and supporting me)

I actually told her about my feelings way before I did anything. I think it is sad that your partner did not but I can fully understand why he didnt. He has a lot to sort out.

You need to know that this doesn't mean he don't love you or find you attractive. You need to tell him that you do not feel any threat by this (Maby you do but I feel that you will get through this way better if you let him know this)

[csrakate]

You need to know that this doesn't mean he don't love you or find you attractive. You need to tell him that you do not feel any threat by this (Maby you do but I feel that you will get through this way better if you let him know this)
While it would be nice if the OP didn't feel threatened, there is no reason why she should lie about how she really feels. This is the time for the two of them to be completely and totally honest with one another, with BOTH of them sharing their fears and frustrations...to talk them out and come up with a solution that will meet BOTH of their needs....No need for her to lie...she has enough to digest without misleading him about it being OK with her. What she needs to hear right now is that she has no reason to be threatened and she needs to hear it from HIM.

[BLCHGK777]

I think the both of you should talk about how each other feels and then go from there. The reason why he was on there without telling you is probably because he was afraid of your reaction you had here. Discussion is always good and I think it will make things better in this situation. The best of luck and I hope your love grows stronger through understanding.

[CRAZMIN4EVERER]

Please support him. I wish I were 100% straight. So I do not have to go through all this uncomfortable feelings and guilties. Just some bisexual craziness in us that makes us uncontrol of certain things.
We do not want to tell them because We love the wives and children so much ... and so afraid to loose them ... Things already happened ...Sometimes better the wives do not know any thing about their husbands. The husbands just have to be very careful with their sexual fantasies with other men or one married man is the best. I have been craving for a man for a longest time, but I am still searching for the right, clean and safe one. Please take care of him and more open minded to him. Good luck!


I AM A MOTHER OFF 2,I FOUND OUT MY PARTNER WAS ON CHAT ROOMS RECENTLY,ONLY LAST NIGHT I FOUND OUT IT'S NOT WOMEN HE'S MESSING AROUND WITH,IT'S MEN.HE POSTED A MESSAGE ON THE GAY CHAT ROOM ASKING FOR OLDER MEN ONLY(HE'S 28)I PRETENDED TO BE THIS MAN AND WAS COULDN'T BELIEVE WHAT HE WAS SAYING BACK TO ME,ASKING IF I WANTED HIM TO DRESS UP AND PLEASE ME,THE OLDER THE BETTER AND WORSE STILL AFTER ONLY 3 MESSAGES ASKING IF I WAS UP FOR MEETING HIM.(HE NEVER FOLLOWED THROUGH WITH IT THOUGH)I FEEL SICK,I ASKED HIM VERY CALMLY LAST NIGHT WHEN HE GOT IN WHAT HE WAS DOING AND THAT IN-FACT I WAS THIS MADE-UP MAN HE WAS TALKING TOO,HE JUST WENT VERY QIUET,DENIED IT THEN ADMITTED IT SAYING THAT FOR THE PAST YEAR HE HAS HAD SEXUAL FEELINGS FOR OTHER MEN,THAT HE HADN'T MET UP WITH OR DONE ANYTHING WITH ANY MEN,HE WAS JUST TRYING TO FIND OUT WHAT HIS FEELINGS WERE,HE SAYS THE DRESSING UP THING AND OLDER MEN WAS JUST MADE-UP?I WANT TO WORK THIS OUT,I LOVE HIM AND WANT US TO STAY TOGETHER,HE SAYS NOW THAT ME FINDING OUT HAS SORTED HIM OUT AND HE HAS NO FEELINGS FOR MEN ANYMORE(IS IT AS SIMPLE AS THAT?!CAN IT JUST 'GO AWAY'?.....I REALLY DON'T KNOW...ALL HE SAYS IT THAT ITS ME HE LOVES AND HE WANTS TO BE WITH ME FOREVER,HAVE MORE KIDS....I DON'T DOUBT HE LOVES ME,MY HEADS IN BITS,PLEASE CAN I HAVE GENUINE ADVICE AND THOUGHTS AS I AM HEARTBROKEEN AND IF IT WASN'T FOR MY KIDS I WOULD JUST CURL UP AND DIE

[Karasel]

It may have already been said, but having a set down and having a calm conversation (or at least trying to have a calm conversation) will go a long way.

I don't believe that his feelings for other men had went away just like that. I think he feels guilty for making you upset and is trying to bury his feelings. I know I've gone through things like that with my family, but my friends and any outsiders I've come across always accepted and supported me and I'm very thankful.

[Herbwoman39]

I'm the bisexual one in my marriage and I didn't figure it out until we had been married for quite some time. My guess is that he's terrified that you'll leave him and that's why he didn't tell you.

It's a shock when you discover you're attracted to the same sex, especially when you're a man. Society tells men that it's wrong or dirty or what have you. So it's natural that he'd be afraid and keep it hidden from you.

It's unfortunate that he did so for both of you. But right now you need to remind him that you love him and you'll be there for him no matter what. Be open and honest in a calm, constructive manner. Ask the same of him. In an ideal relationship you two should be able to talk about anything. Remind him that you're there to be supportive but that you need him to be honest no matter what.

Your job is to stay calm. Don't make any rash decisions. Get counceling if you think you need it. And come back here any time. We're always happy to help where we can.

[bisexualman]

You came to a good place to get information and advice that might be helpful. From what I have read you both want it to work.
As other men have said, even if both partners are honest, it is hard. He is probably as scared as you are. There is a huge amount of guilt on his part. Try to be patient.
My opinion is that you were right what you realized this is not something that will just go away. He may supress or repress, but he needs to work it out.

Ask away . . . we are all willing to help.

[hydropop]

ok Kelly....first thing... please don't type in CAPS... it's interpreted as yelling and is very difficult to read, especially with no spaces.

now... many women have been in your shoes, and you might not believe it right now, but this is not the end of the world. I encourage you to keep up a dialogue with your partner - keeping the lines of communication open will help both of you feel more secure. On the other hand, I recommend that you immediately stop spying on him - that is totally counterproductive. Kelly lots of men fantasize about such things, but that doesn't necessarily mean they will act on them.

I suggest you start reading some of the forum postings here, there is a lot of good advice here for you.


good luck to both of you

Peg

Well said Peg , you are a very observant lady. and have lots of great advice. I totally agree with everything you said.

However this may not be the time to ask , but I had to ask myself if this person has told her boy friend shes on a bisexual site , and does he know shes bi . Maybe shes not , just a question?

I do agree there is alot of great advice handed out by all the members on this site, and this person should sit down with her boyfriend and try and talk it out like adults.

[smartsexychick]

If I had a dollar bill for each time a bi man told me he wished he could change his desire, even cut out that part out of himself, as one man put it, I wouldn't have to work ever again. I don't judge them ever, so it is not something they say to pacify me. I would give anything to make them feel more comfortable with that, proud, out even. For me, I haven't entirely ruled out being attracted to straight men, but there is something about a bi man that is more understanding of me and I think more sexual pleasure focused generally.

Not to get into a full-scale discussion of nature vs nurture, but for me, I believe that it is a part of me that is a result of something intrinsically hardwired, and in my case, I was "activated" very early, not by love but by cruelty at the hand of another. I think that my attraction exists as perhaps a way to resolve that, and the biology makes that plausible in my mind. My sapphic attraction is always routed in sensuality and wanting to please intensely and wanting to feel some comfort in the arms of a woman. However, though I could enjoy a deep friendship and supportive, caring connection with another woman, I could not ever imagine the sort of intense love I feel for a man to be directed at a woman. I simply could not be content in that sort of framework. It's too crude for me to say that it is about pussy because I would care for the person attached to it. However, there is no way under the sun pussy could ever be enough. First and foremost, I need cock and everything attached to it. Saying all these things about myself is just a way for you to see the process of how bisexuality can exist. Though it may be true for some, both my experience and that I have seen of others is very rarely cut and dried.

I think that judgement is self-serving and a reflection of insecurity when anyone bi is seen as lesser, regardless of the relationship. Trust me, I know insecurity, I fight it fiercely every day. It is OK to be shocked and upset as the initial reaction, but when you get ahold of yourself, realize that love should guide the way, and the question you have to ask yourself is do you have enough of it. Don't make him hide and/or lie and don't try to hold on to someone who you cannot accept. It would be lousy for you both. Life is just too short for deception and mutual emotional torture. Take him for who he is, work out the logistics, and love him for all he is worth if that is what you decide.

[kellym]

Thank you all for your responses,it has helped me(and I'm sorry about the CAPS thing I had no idea that mean't shouting,I can just barely use the family laptop let alone know what to do with it)but bare with me,i'm trying.and i don't know how to make spaces either. we tried to talk about it again last night but he just refuses to and keeps saying 'the itch went the moment you found out' I have suggested gay porn,strap-ons, anything to help him,he just says that makes him feel sick to be with a man(but tells me his fantasy is giving a man oral-sex?!)it is hard to be calm in a situation like this,i am trying,i understand that some people have thoughts about both sexes,me personally i am only attracted to men but i have lots've close friends who have been with men most've their life and are now happy with women. I think my main worry is that he is just surpressing it and it will come back in later life and i will lose him and our family.I will admit now i was checking up on him,i get moments've insecurity since our youngest has been born,she's still a baby and i have yet to get back into my size 10 jeans,when he acts weird with his phone like putting it on silent etc it make my mind go into overdrive so yes i checked his phone and i suppose this is all my own doing because if i hadn't i wouldn't be in this situation now would i? all i know is that i love him,i want to support him in any way that i can and i want us to work togther on this,i don't want him to feel dirty,i think it's natural to be inquisitive about the opposite sex but what do you class as taking it too far?thank you all again for your comments.xxxx

[kellym]

Well said Peg , you are a very observant lady. and have lots of great advice. I totally agree with everything you said.

However this may not be the time to ask , but I had to ask myself if this person has told her boy friend shes on a bisexual site , and does he know shes bi . Maybe shes not , just a question?

I do agree there is alot of great advice handed out by all the members on this site, and this person should sit down with her boyfriend and try and talk it out like adults.

.......i have not told him i am on this site atall,he refuses to talk about it,i can't talk to my friends or family as i do not wish to hear 'leave him,or that's just sick' i know them well and believe me not one person will be understanding,i have come on here purely for advice,hoping that other people could help me come to terms with this and to help him and us........I am not bi-sexual myself i am only attracted to men,does this mean i shouldn't be on this site?I don't quite know how it works.

[TwylaTwobits]

Kelly,

I am straight, my partner is bi, he told me about it by sending me to this site. For someone, like you, who has not had a lot of dealings with gay or bi friends it can be a shock to know someone you are involved with has feelings for anything or anyone else besides you. That's a two way street, it works whether it's gay, bi, or another woman in your man's life.

As Peg said communication is your key. If you cannot communicate and already you have proven that trust is an issue on both sides, you might want to try to find a LGBT counselor in your area. This may be something that he is merely curious about and fantasizing about, but without communication I can see a clear path to heartache for you both.

[tenni]

Kelyym
Based upon what you have posted, you mention that you were checking up on him and reference your own insecurity about your body after childbirth, there are open communication issues without including his bi curiousity as a factor. You found out about his bi curiousity by checking up on him. He on the other hand has not been comfortable to discuss his sexual fantasy of giving a man oral sex. I am only seeing this from what you posted. Removing his bi curiousity from the equation there does seem to be a need to communicate better and reduce feelings of anxiety for both of you. As has been stated if communication continues to be a problem then counselling on how to be more communicative may help. Don't let the communication walls get higher than they are.

Secondly, you may have gone too far in suggesting gay porn and strap ons. From what you wrote about his reaction (made him feel sick) that is not part of his bi fantasy. His desires may just be a fantasy that right now he has no desire to make real. If this makes sense to you, then you may be over suggesting something that is not part of his fantasy. If you have watched straight porn with him maybe talking about how you enjoy giving a handjob or oral....then slipping a comment to him gently asking if he'd likes how she did it..would he like to stroke that dick, etc(with a playfulness in your voice). By stating "that dick" you are depersonalizing the penis from the reality. That may be just part of his fantasy of it not being anyone in particular but just an idea of giving oral to some unknown not real penis attached to any particular guy.

You may be correct about later on that his fantasy will return and maybe eventually he may want to make it a reality. ...or he may not want to make it a reality. His own self perception and comfort about same sex action seems to be at a discomfort level and particularly now that you have exposed something that was his secret. He may just need a little time to adjust to you being aware of his feelings. Don't make this a point of conversation each night. Bring it up casually as I wrote about straight porn or jokingly first referrring to yourself and then a more open statement...looks like he has a big dick in his pants doesn;t it...etc. Try to relax. Try to keep the communication gentle and open. Try to resolve your own insecurity about your body image and whether he is rejecting you. He is probably not but does he know about your discomfort? He needs to reassure you about his love. Speak in the "I" more than "you" when talking about his bi curiousity as others have said. Have you ever disclosed a sexual fantasy to him that you may have had but would never want to make real? If not, share that with him and let him know that you have fantasies that you want only to remain as a fantasy too. (the "I" approach)

This is just my opinion and possible suggestions. Take from it what might make sense. Good luck at improving the communication between you.

[curious married m]

.......i have not told him i am on this site atall,he refuses to talk about it,i can't talk to my friends or family as i do not wish to hear 'leave him,or that's just sick' i know them well and believe me not one person will be understanding,i have come on here purely for advice,hoping that other people could help me come to terms with this and to help him and us........I am not bi-sexual myself i am only attracted to men,does this mean i shouldn't be on this site?I don't quite know how it works.

kelly,
There are ALOT of straight spouses here on this site and all have dealt with what you have in many different ways. And this is EXACTLY a site you can use to talk and express what your going thru. I have been at this chat for 6 yrs now and can say with authority that there are alot of good people here but take what tidbits of information and work to find what works for you.
One of the hardest things is not being able to talk to anyone about your feelings. There are some here I totally trust and can unload my fears on. With time maybe you will as well. But know that you are welcome to be here.

CMM

[12voltman59]

Kelley--I would urge your man to not try to "bury his desires" on his own--you can do it for a time--but they do seem to come back---I think more strongly if they are not directly addressed initially early on-----I know that was the case for me and for many guys I have talked to on here and elsewhere regarding their desires to want to have sex with other guys.

As someone suggested---he may want to find a therapist who specializes in "glbt" issues to talk about it, get advice on how to deal with them.

Its not that his desires or those of any us to want to be with someone of the same sex are wrong or bad--its just that for some people----they may not do such a good job of dealing with those desires when they finally "blow the lid off the pot."

He may never actually come to ever act on his "desires"---but talking about this and knowing he is not alone and some kind of sick, evil freak will go a long way towards helping him deal with those feelings--he has them--and try as he may-----I am damn sure that based on my own experiences and those of others I know in "the same boat," those desires are not going to go away--they will remain inside. Better to recognize that and deal with it upfront.

Just my :2cents:

Take care and good luck to you both.

[welickit]

I'm not sure whether this will help but I will post it anyway. I can relate to his wanting to provide oral sex to another man. However, I can also understand his devotion and love for you. The fact that he chats in a gay chat room and has a fantasy doesn't at all change his feelings for you. There is a difference between being bisexual and being gay. I am a bisexual and totally enjoy other men. I have always been bisexual but I would never think of leaving my wife. The difference between our relationship and yours is that my wife is quite secure in knowing that it is her I love and everything else is a friendship and more physical in nature. He went behind your back on a chat room for a reason. Obviously he didn't have faith in you being understanding. Right now you have the perfect opportunity to adjust his outlook. Tell him about the cool web site you joined. Tell him he wouldn't believe how openly people discuss and share and learn together. DO NOT hide things from him that won't help a bit. He hasn't given you reason to think he will leave you. Support him and he will open up when he sees that you can be comfortable with the situation.

[12voltman59]

To backup what wellickit said---tell him about this website---he is bound to find someone of his same relative age and of course-those of us older who are more than willing to talk to him about this--and try to help him understand and gain some perspective---and also--the biggest thing of all-THAT HE IS NOT ALONE.

I came to this "later in life" and I thought I must be a nut case or something since I had always been told--"sexual identity is settled early in life"--

I found many others of my same age or older who were "bicurious" and it made me feel better about my own desires that way.

I think it would be of benefit for your b/f to become a member of this site.

Suggest to him that he try it out, at the very least.

[*pan*]

hi and i am sorry you got hurt, my thoughts on this are do you really love him and does he really love you ? if this is so then i dont see the problem, being bisexual married to 2 woman now, they accept my bisexuality and that is a majiour question if he is bisexual could you accept it ? if you can then theres no problem. the only problem i see in the relationship is he's scared to admit to you he has bisexual feelings therefore lies are told. lies not sexuality will destroy a relationship shure as anything else. my advice is to get with him and both agree to always be truthfull with eachother no matter what the topic is. you might find that if you accept him as he is he will open up to you as a friend and not someone he is scared to talk to about it. he is very vunerable right now and probibly confused as to which direction to go in. if you truly love him then love him and be understanding and talk to him and if you can accept him as he is let him know it will not change your love for him and above all agree to eachother never to lie to each other again.

[bi-the-way]

[QUOTE=kellym;149080]Thank you all for your responses,it has helped me(and I'm sorry about the CAPS thing I had no idea that mean't shouting,I can just barely use the family laptop let alone know what to do with it)but bare with me,i'm trying.and i don't know how to make spaces either. we tried to talk about it again last night but he just refuses to and keeps saying 'the itch went the moment you found out' I have suggested gay porn,strap-ons, anything to help him,he just says that makes him feel sick to be with a man(but tells me his fantasy is giving a man oral-sex?!)it is hard to be calm in a situation like this,i am trying,i understand that some people have thoughts about both sexes,me personally i am only attracted to men but i have lots've close friends who have been with men most've their life and are now happy with women. I think my main worry is that he is just surpressing it and it will come back in later life and i will lose him and our family.I will admit now i was checking up on him,i get moments've insecurity since our youngest has been born,she's still a baby and i have yet to get back into my size 10 jeans,when he acts weird with his phone like putting it on silent etc it make my mind go into overdrive so yes i checked his phone and i suppose this is all my own doing because if i hadn't i wouldn't be in this situation now would i? all i know is that i love him,i want to support him in any way that i can and i want us to work togther on this,i don't want him to feel dirty,i think it's natural to be inquisitive about the opposite sex but what do you class as taking it too far?thank you all again for your comments.xxxx[/QUOTE

Dear Kellym,
I would have to say (from experience), the best way and time to talk to your man is while you two are cuddling and kissing, very near making love. I speak from experience when I say it's VERY difficult for him to talk about. All our lives we are forced and programmed to conform to liking only one gender. It's instinctual self-preservation for him to not want to talk about this. Where I'm from, if you come out, you risk all of your friends (most will back away from fear of what others will do to THEM) if you come out. Make your man feel safe in your arms, and feel very loved before you even approach this subject. I hope this helps. It's certainly not going to be easy at first.

btw

[mikey3000]

Kelley--I would urge your man to not try to "bury his desires" on his own--you can do it for a time--but they do seem to come back---I think more strongly if they are not directly addressed initially early on-----I know that was the case for me and for many guys I have talked to on here and elsewhere regarding their desires to want to have sex with other guys.

As someone suggested---he may want to find a therapist who specializes in "glbt" issues to talk about it, get advice on how to deal with them.

Its not that his desires or those of any us to want to be with someone of the same sex are wrong or bad--its just that for some people----they may not do such a good job of dealing with those desires when they finally "blow the lid off the pot."

He may never actually come to ever act on his "desires"---but talking about this and knowing he is not alone and some kind of sick, evil freak will go a long way towards helping him deal with those feelings--he has them--and try as he may-----I am damn sure that based on my own experiences and those of others I know in "the same boat," those desires are not going to go away--they will remain inside. Better to recognize that and deal with it upfront.

Just my :2cents:

Take care and good luck to you both.

Very well said! Just know that you and your man are not alone by a long shot. And here is a good place to get information.

[onewhocares]

kelly,
There are ALOT of straight spouses here on this site and all have dealt with what you have in many different ways. And this is EXACTLY a site you can use to talk and express what your going thru. I have been at this chat for 6 yrs now and can say with authority that there are alot of good people here but take what tidbits of information and work to find what works for you.
One of the hardest things is not being able to talk to anyone about your feelings. There are some here I totally trust and can unload my fears on. With time maybe you will as well. But know that you are welcome to be here.

CMM

Kelly, CMM is right on target with his comments. I came here five years ago and had little understanding of bisexuality. Heck I din not even think I knew what it meant. I felt for sure that I was the only woman in the world who was going through this and had questions no one would have asked, yet alone answered. The biggest fear was that I, the straight wife of a bi/gay man and would they even accept me? Guess what...I was welcomed by some great ladies and gentlemen...CMM among them. I have learned and grown so much.

As others have said...communicate. The more you talk the more you understand. You may not always like what he has to say, or he you, but never be afraid to share. Many men come to this later in life, why I am not so sure but it is a part of him, the man you love.

Belle

[canuckotter]

First: you're absolutely welcome to hang out on the site and ask questions. This kind of situation is one of the things this site is great for... There are a fair number of active members who came here because they found themselves in pretty much the exact same situation. So... welcome. :)

Second: I forget the stats, but it turns out that a shocking number of men do have same-sex fantasies at some point in their lives. It's possible that your partner really was just going through some phase that's over... but honestly, I doubt it. He went a lot farther than just thinking about it, even if he never did actually meet up with another man, and the phase wouldn't end just because you found out about it. He may be suppressing his feelings so well that his conscious mind simply isn't aware of it, but the likelihood is that he's still attracted to men. As other people on here have pointed out, suppressing one's desires that way rarely works in the long run.

As to what to do about it... I would suggest making him understand that his approach to the situation is actually making things worse and causing you more pain. If he doesn't know how to honestly handle and discuss his feelings with you, marriage counseling might be a very good idea (although here you might want to do a bit of shopping around and find someone who's at least remotely familiar with GLBT issues -- the last thing you want is some ultraconservative jackass making your partner feel worse about his feelings).

Third: Having a bisexual partner doesn't mean doom. :) When life's spun you around as much as it has, it's easy to get freaked out and see everything as a crisis. Just try to keep taking deep breaths and not get carried away... easier advice to give than to follow, I know. :) But there are many happily-married bisexual people out there. Many of those couples have open relationships in some way, and many of them are happily monogamous. There's no one true path to happiness, in life or in relationships, but if you guys can be honest with each other you should be able to find your own path despite the current chaos.