Arranging a meeting but not meaning it

[davidbiuk]

Like me, I am sure one of the main reasons for registering on Bisexual.com is to meet like minded people.

I had contact from a Bisexual.com member asking to chat and possibly meet. We chatted online, exchanged emails, telephone calls and webcams and agreed a meeting for 4th February. It was a 4 hour train journey for me and I was uncertain about it. But he said how much he wanted to meet me and seemed very sincere & genuine and I felt I had no reason to doubt him.

Yet when I arrived at the station he was not there. His mobile number was no longer available and I was stuck all day in a strange town. When I got home I emailed him for an explanation and a month later I am still waiting. He has also not logged in here since then.

Has something similar happened to anyone else?

Why did he do it? Was I naive, stupid, gullible? I felt no reason to doubt him. It has now made me very nervous about arranging to meet other people.

I would be interested to hear about other members experiences.

Take care

David

[nubiwoman]

Hey David...

......I was saddened to hear of your experience but not that surprised..

.....I had a similar experience to yours, the only difference was we didnt arrange the final meeting... but like you, i had invested a lot of energy into the meeting and felt unnerved by the whole experience...

......The person i was meant to meet was male and it was months before we managed to meet up again and discuss the event in chat.... My 'friend' was ashamed of his behaviour and distressed at his own fears of acting out as the bisexual person he clearly was...

...... even though i was a woman i was still a huge threat because i accepted his sexuality:eek:...... when he still saw it as something seperate to himself.... almost as if he wasnt yet able to incorporate his bi side into the way he saw himself... if that makes sense to you?

....i know this it a bit wordy David, but what i'm really trying to say is this probably says more about the person you were going to meet than it does about you...

....although deeply bruised by my experience i did go on to meet more people and have make some gorgeous bi friends and a very special lover since then...

:bigrin: dont lose heart David... just know that 'timewasters' sadly do exist but most folk are just everyday people like you and i looking for some likeminded company....

good luck David :flag3:

love julie xx

[arana]

I'm sure these things happen a lot. I'm happier to hear that you were stood up than met someone that meant you harm. I know that sounds bad, but I have heard of people meeting someone that turned out to be nothing like they said. They came on to them only to out them and make fools of them because they were not straight.

I'm sorry that you had to go so far out of your way for this dissapointment. Are you sure nothing happened to him and that wasn't the reason he didn't show?

[searchingbrian]

David,
This site, just like anything in life, is made up by an assortment of individuals. There are certainly those who are afraid to act on their bisexuality. I'm sure there are a number of gay men that are looking to "hook up" with some bimen as a "different" kind of lover. There are also, as Arana point out, those whose sole purpose is to hurt people. So how do you tell the difference? The answer is you can't....at least not reliably. Most of us, however, are honest bisexual people who are interested in exploring our bisexuality more and are truly interested in others. Personally, I don't explore anything with someone who clearly comes on for sex only... that is not my thing. But I have met a number of wonderful individuals on this site who don't necessarily push for meetings but are probably willing to meet if suggested. I concentrate on these people who only after making friends for a significant period of time will agree to meet you. Even some of these may back out but I don't take that personally (although it has not happened to me with a VERY limited experience). It is more a reflection of their own struggles and problems. Take heart there are real people here who will likely meet you and if they don't; it's their loss...

PS I agree with Arana---are you sure something didn't happen to the guy? Do you think he cancelled his cell phone only because he didn't want to be contacted by you? He could have just let it go to voicemail or not answer.
Give him the benefit of the doubt - - he could have been in an accident, gotten sick or even arrested so that he couldn't contact you.. .you never know. :)

[rupertbare]

David, I feel for you.

It must have been a really rotten day for you.

But, as has already been stated, this is not about you!!
It was a brave first step that you took - I can understand fully how nervous you must have been feeling (and excited too, I bet) - especially with such a long train journey. But the problem here is the other guy - HIS problem/s - although you feel disappointed, possibly angry (and you certainly have the "right" to feel that!), and maybe even feel foolish about being so trusting it is still that person's hang-ups. The fact that they have not returned (as yet) to the site may be an indication that they just "chickened out" at the last minute and didn't know how to admit to themselves let alone you!!

Don't get down-hearted about it, don't give up looking - it will, hopefully, be just "one of those things" - learn by it.

Maybe next time it would be possible to meet someone in a bar or even a museum or the like - at least you'd have something to do!!! lol!! :)

I wish you all the best, chin up mate!!

Rupe :)

[TrimBeardHairyBod]

Hi David

Commiserations for the wasted day and for your great disappointment.

Just before Christmas I met a guy online. Since then, we exchanged pix, e-mails, text messages and phone calls. I really did feel comfortable with him and for that reason, invited him over for Sunday lunch. There was a clear understanding that it was a non-sexual, getting-to-know-you meet.

On the day, he arrived forty minutes late even though he knew the area I lived in and likely travelling time. Judging from his body language, he was very tense. I made a trifle for dessert but he wouldn't touch it; 'I don't usually have a sweet. Do you mind if I pass it up?'

I did my best to make him feel relaxed but to no avail. As for conversation, it was all on neutral topics. He gave nothing away and as a result, I gained no insight into him whatsoever.

In desperation, I logged on to the net to show him a website that he'd expressed interest in. At that point, someone unexpectedly messaged me. My guest seized the opportunity and said, 'I must be going now. I'll leave you with your friend.' Before I knew what was happening, he'd gone.

For the next hour, I sat on the sofa in stunned disbelief. Was the problem him or me? We'd got along so well up till he arrived at my door.

I have since concluded that a lot of people simply don't know what they want. The result is that their behaviour fluctuates wildly. What comes across as rudeness and lack of consideration to you, may just be a panicked reaction of self-protection.

This experience has reinforced (once and for all!) my belief that reality only starts the moment two people meet face to face. Until then, the other person is, in a sense, a blank slate. It's just so easy to fantasise about them and project one's hopes and dreams onto them.

As best you can, David, try to see that you probably did nothing wrong. Nor did the other person set out intentionally to disappoint you. It was just one of those situations where rational thought flies out the window and panic takes over.

John

PS No, I haven't heard from my 'friend' since!

[TinTin]

David
It happened to me too, but not with anyone on this site I am happy to say. I drove to london to meet for (initially) a drink and see if we had at least some things in common, and having told this guy my make and model of car etc he was supposed to make contact when i parked in the designated street.....................suffice to say I sat there for about 30 minutes until traffic wardens moved me on, ha ha ha, and i can only assume he chickened out. You must not take this as a slight against you its just someone else not being honest with their feelings and not having the conviction to follow through with something that may be uncomfortable for them.
It may have been your mans first experience or whatever, I would always now at least have some form of voice contact with anyone i am planning to meet. I think you can get a better idea of their intentions if you have a few phone conversations.
Anyway "chin-up" onwards and upwards dont get dis-heartened.
Good luck

[rumple4skin]

David,
I am sorry to hear that you wasted the trip. Like others have said here it is unlikely that it has anything to do with you. I suspect the guy got scared, not of you but what it might imply or lead to it he met you. Another possibility is that something actually happened that prevented him from contacting you and meeting you.
I hope this negative experience does not keep you from meeting other folks. There are plenty of 'real' people out there. I have met a couple of people thru sites like this one.
Someone I met recently is a regular member of this site (name withheld to protect the innocent – or the guilty depending on how you look at it ;)). We talk often and get together when we can. He is a genuine guy and we have great conversations and ;) … well I just wanted to point out that sometimes it works out well :tongue: . Anyway I hope the next time you set up a meeting someone it goes alot better.
Good luck,
Rumple

[rupertbare]

Well I've been giving this a bit thought (makes a change!!! lol!! :) ).

A lot of us are either "bi-curious" or very inexperienced.

The "fantasy" - the expectation - even the glamorisation of the event - of "meeting" - can lead to worries, even fears - "what if he..." "has he lots of experience really" "is he really gay" "is he really homophobic" etc. etc

E-mail excahnge, web cam.s, even phone-calls can only reveal so much.

Of course it would be better, just downright polite to call and cancel - even if they had to "lie" (my cat just died) to make an excuse.

For many the reality will never match the fantasy.

It may be worth checking out the "Local Events" on this site's "Home" page - at least if you arranged to meet with a group of other bi-sexual folk you'd not only feel safe but also have some support if you were let down.

And can I stress - please, please - always practice safe sex - whatever the temptation.

Whether or not this chap deliberatly set out to let you down I suspect he is now a little ashamed and embarrassed.

I wonder how many replies are going to say that the same has happened to them?

with love and peace to you and yours

Rupe :)

[ambi53mm]

I have since concluded that a lot of people simply don't know what they want. The result is that their behaviour fluctuates wildly. What comes across as rudeness and lack of consideration to you, may just be a panicked reaction of self-protection.
This experience has reinforced (once and for all!) my belief that reality only starts the moment two people meet face to face. Until then, the other person is, in a sense, a blank slate. It's just so easy to fantasise about them and project one's hopes and dreams onto them.



The internet has provided to some extent a safe haven to fantasize and explore those hopes and dreams under the cover of anonymity. I came to this site with the same hopes and dreams because I know it is possible. It is not a question of believing but knowing that keeps me going on despite the disappointments. People expressing an interest and then not hearing from them, people wanting to meet but not arranging time or place and of course the no-shows when you’ve gone through all the effort to meet….just part of the game
I haven’t given up because I know it works, that I tis possible to meet someone that takes these dreams into reality. Behind me sleeps the woman of my dreams. We met nine years ago online and have been together ever since, married for the last six years.
Trim is right “reality doesn’t start until two people meet face to face.” That is not to say the people who frequent these sites are not real or serious, the thoughts, feelings and stories are sometimes too painfully real. The inner personalities that emerge are just as sacred and valid and often possess more depth than you could find anywhere else. With anonymity, honesty has fertile ground to grow in and I am grateful to those who share those parts of themselves whether they are able to transcend their fantasies into reality or if this has become the extent of their reality and it goes no further.
Patience….all good things come to those that wait.

[mrplayfuluk]

Hi Dave
I have an idea who you are talking about... a guy came onto me on here around the same time and was persistent and sent me some pics. when I changed my mind about going further, I TOLD HIM SUCH by email; he then told me you were coming to see him and that I was no fun. he called me on private in the chat room and when I tried to defend myself he was offensive and nasty. Perhaps we need to set up testimonials so that those characters can be named and avoided. If we have hopes and dreams on here we don't need those people to dash them...