My big thank you note, plus a question on coming in [Archive]

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PeterH

Mar 3, 2006, 6:35 AM

Dear everybody,

it was only a month ago that I found this site and in the short time that I've been here, it has become like a second home to me. I have made so many new friends here, have been given such useful advise, clever insights thought-provoking ideas... And most of all: tonnes of love, from people who replied to threads I started, from people who wrote me a message, from people I met in chat. Thank you all so very much and thank you Drew and crew for starting and maintaining this wonderful site.
I came on this site with the idea that I might want to go looking for a bi-family (MMFF, all bi) as a sort of ideal relationship. I have more or less let go of that idea (although it still is in the back of my mind somewhere, somehow the idea of a big household with many children really catches my fancy). But in a way I have found a bi family already: here on this site. You have been great and continue to be so. You have helped me to accept who I am, love myself for who I am. You have helped me to better understand what it means to be bi, which made my coming out easier, and you have given me the courage to make the the next step: to come in in the real world.
My first coming in was online, here on this site, with you, my bi family. It is now time for me to take a plunge and come in offline, and I still have fears about it. So again, I would like to ask your help:
How did you come in in the bi community. How did you find one, how was it to come in? It would help me tremendously to learn from your experiences, and maybe it would help other newcomers as well.
Thank you once again for your continuing friendship. I look forward to staying in touch, or getting in touch with you some time after this.
Love, PeterH

PS: I have commented in my profile that Peter is not my real name. I have plans to put my real name in my profile shortly, after I have done the last bit of my coming out (well people say coming out never ends, but I have some friends whom I want to tell first).

rupertbare

Mar 3, 2006, 8:24 AM

Mimi

Mar 3, 2006, 3:12 PM

Hi PeterH,

CONGRATULATIONS on deciding to come out to the world about who you are!! :bdaygrin: That is a HUGE and important step and requires a lot of courage and personal integrity. KUDOS to you for being true to yourself and to the people around you!

Here are some things that I recommend:

1. Think first about how much you're willing to share. Do you want to tell people about your personal journey, what you want to explore, how you got here, your dating preferences, etc.? Will you share more with some people than others?

2. Come out to people close to you who you think will be very supportive FIRST. This is a very important tactic because you want some solid support with you as you continue your coming out journey.

3. Pick a good time to talk. Meet your first "coming outee" in a comfortable and private location and then let them know that there is something very important you want to share with them.

4. Be ready for questions. This is natural because many people, even though they may be accepting, might not really understand what bisexuality is, even if they are pro-gay. Some common questions are: "How long have you known?" "How do you know you're really bi?" "What does this mean about your past relationships?" "What does this mean about your future relationships?" and the extremely common "Do you prefer men or women?"

5. Try to be patient and calm. It took you time to come out to yourself. It might take other people some time to absorb it and understand it. For them, they may start seeing you in a different light.

I wish you the best of luck on re-entering your life in this new way!!! :bibounce: If you want to chat more, please feel free to e-mail me on this site. (((hugs)))

arana

Mar 3, 2006, 7:18 PM

Peter, I wish you the best of luck in your venture. Mimi is very wise and I think you will do well following her advice.
Also, do you feel that by posting your real name it would help you? The only reason I ask is for safety precautions. After all this site is accessible to anyone. I understand letting your friends here know who you are, as you get to know them but otherwise no need to expose too much of yourself. I know a lot of people think that is being paranoid but I worry about the safety of others on this site and don't want anything to happen to them.

Again good luck Peter!

PeterH

Mar 3, 2006, 7:57 PM

Hi Rupert, Mimi, Arana, thank you for your kind and wise words.
I'm afraid though that my question was not so much about coming out (I've done most of that already), but about coming in into the bi community in real life. I you have any tips regarding this, I'd be very pleased to hear about them. Kind regards, Peter

Mimi

Mar 4, 2006, 2:22 PM

Hi PeterH,

Oops! I misunderstood your request. :oh: But hopefully others will find what I posted helpful if they are new to the "coming out" bit.

As for "coming in", I was lucky to be in the college community at the time and so I started a bi group at my college (if you create a group, they will come to you!). There was also an active LA BiNet group at the time (which unfortunately isn't anymore) and I went to a couple events. They are now only down to an e-mail listserve, which I'm on, which announces events but it's minimally active. Have you tried looking for any bi groups that are in your area? Are there any LGBT community centers in your country? Perhaps they would know. Or LGBT newspapers/magazines?

I used to be more connected w/ other bis in LA but people have dispersed. :( Perhaps through this site I can start finding other like-minded bis in my area. So I guess good luck to both of us!! :)