Another "What do I do?" thread!

[CompletelyBi]

I'm in an area where I'm having difficulty deciding what to do, so I've turned to the forums as an insightful collective of opinions on the subject. I'm interested in hearing what you have to say.

I'm a relaxed person well into my 20's, a military veteran and an all around contributing member of society. I'm pretty comfortable with myself and knowing what I like. I love sex with men and women, but can only establish a real emotional connection with females.

I'm reaching that point where being discrete feels more like a limiting factor of my personal life than anything. I'm in the closet about my bisexuality, and have never told anyone (other than the few men I've had sex with) about it. I am very close to my parents and they're very old-fashioned traditional people. I also have a core group of friends that I have literally known half my life. The city I live in is also known as the "conservative stronghold of California". The mentality here is basically anything other than missionary and marriage is being a "fag".

It's a tough decision on whether or not to keep being discreet or out oneself. I would love nothing more than to scream out loud "I love men and women!" or something similar. I would absolutely love to hit on a cute guy in a bar without being worried about being beaten when I leave, even if just polite conversation and mild flirting, but even the gay men I know attest that doing so in the open public in this city is an open invitation to a beating or worse.

With all of the homophobia, christian-based hatred, and general fear of what others may not understand or care to tolerate, does there come a point where staying in the closet is just worth it?

In the end, I'll make up my own mind, but any advice or opinions are greatly appreciated.

I'm also hoping that this thread may prove a good place for others with similar experiences or questions to gain some very useful insight. So feel free to ask, poke and prod!



Thanks in advance.

[fredtyg]

Just to reiterate something I posted earlier:

I'm out to some people and I've been coming out to more and more people, as time goes on. I've often thought I'd like to be completely out to everyone as I would of thought that would make me more "available" to other guys who might want to meet another guy. Hey, how can they find you if they don't know you're there?

Then I realized that being completely out might scare away more guys than it would attract, especially in an area like yours. A closeted guy or homo might not want to be seen anywhere near you as then everyone else might think he's queer.

There's something to be said about being discreet. Still, that doesn't mean you can't out yourself to people as time goes on starting with a need to know basis. Heck, make it an "I want so-and-so to know..." basis.

You can also still out yourself on a limited basis to interest groups only where the chances aren't too great of straights finding out about you. For instance, I'm openly a member of my county's Pride Yahoo Group and a couple other groups (as I am here). If someone went there and checked my username profile, they'd know exactly who I am. Been like that for at least a year or two with no problems. Unfortunately, no one's been interested in me because I'm openly in those groups, either.

[onewhocares]

I can only imagine how difficult it must feel to have to keep your true self hidden...my husband does too. What I take away from your post is that I would worry for my safety most if the area in which you live is as bad as you describe it. Discretion can be a good thing, although harder to meet friends under that umbrella as well. I am sure that others here who have been in your shoes will share their experiences and offer advice.

Belle

[Realist]

As one who'd been involved sexually with a few males, since an early age, I have to say that being discreet and, only out to a very few trusted lovers and friends, has been the best way to go for me.

To my knowledge, I am the only one in my very conservative family who is bi. I had a female cousin who was bi and a confidant, but she died several years ago. Since then, there's been no one in my family with whom I could confide.

Luckily, I have an amazing GF who is also bi and we can openly share everything.

I'd say that, if you are in a conservative area and can't leave, you'd be prudent to remain closeted to the general population. For one, you'll be safer ........and two, your family may be crushed to learn of your sexual diversity.

Really, do they EVER need to know?

[12voltman59]

Cosidering your area, the situation with your family, friends and people in your town--why would you disclose your bisexuaity in a public way??

If the way you have been doing things up to now does work, your life works and such---why disclose??

I might feel differenly if people were accepting of the notion of bisexualty--but they aren't---and since our sexuality is only one part of us--not all of us--why let it cloud their preception of you unnecessarily for those who don't need to know??

Some may consider that a dodge and a cop out----but I don't think so.

[Eddie altamonte]

Who you sleep with is nobody's business and actually no one really cares. It doesn't change who you are, it doesnt make you a better or worse person,however do you really wanna deal with all the biases and prejuidices when you don't really need to or should? We all have to be honest with our own selves at the end of the day and it does appear to me that you actually are right now. I have never told my parents, sibling who I am sleeping with at the time. I don't kiss and tell. If you feel closeted tell a few that you fully trust and accept you and love you for the person you are in reality. I know that in my life there are very few I have encountered that I really had a desire to share my private intimate feelings. One I was married to for 14 years. If the secret is a burden try to find in yourself why do feel bonded by your sexuality. We are not so different from everyone else or anyone else we are just bisexual.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

[B]"I'm not sure if you know this or have been paying attention to the news or not but our President did sign into law a hate crime protection law for GLBT people."

Whoopie, like anything the 'President' signs is going to keep someone from getting their collective asses beaten when they step outside of a bar, ect. Some idiots just didnt/dont get that memo.

Those of us who dont feel the need to disclose and shout out our sexual preferences knows that sometimes discretion is the best part of valor, and with this young man being Military theres an even bigger reason and threat. If he chooses to remain "in the closet" or just have some self dignity about his sexual preference, that is HIS discision. Not everyone feels the all consuming need to blatantly (Oh look Show, I used a big word!) throw our sexuality all around like a banner, or red flag. Some of us are more discreet, and smarter than that.

Completely, you do what you feel is right, and necessary for You, Honey. Do what you gotta do for You, and dont worry about the small stuff. ;)
We're here to listen if you need us. :}
Opinionated Cat

[bimwmdecatur]

I would say that the advice given by both Realist and Cherokee is the way to go. You should protect your ass first, especially if you live in an area where you have reason to fear the "nuts".

Just be careful and discreet and you should be fine.

[Long Duck Dong]

completelybi..... a friend once said to me.... live your life according to you and fuck the people that tell you different, cos they do not live your life, they just think they know better than you how to live your life

I agree with most of the posters here... live as you feel is right.... if you are a quiet person, then be quiet... if you are a in ya face person, be in ya face... lol

you do not have to be out, loud and proud if that doesn't match you are....

sure a lot of people may already know about your sexuality.... but them being aware of it and you stating you are, is two different aspects of life....
its like criminals.... we presume they are guilty, but unless they confess, we will never really know

just remember, its easier to be closeted than out.... cos once you are out, you can not be closeted again..... so if you wanna be out.... allow it to happen at a pace you can handle...... not a pace you can't bear

[AchingBlossom]

I'm feeling similarly here, in my life. I'm a female, married to a man. But I would like to have more experiences with women. My husband knows and is on board with the idea (especially if he is able to watch or participate!). And my best friend knows. But I haven't told hardly anyone else. At the same time, I just feel like wearing some sort of bi-pride badge and screaming it to the world.

What's helping me is I've started a tumblr blog where I share my thoughts and feelings and photos I like. It's a place where I can explore what I like about people, sensuality and sex without fear of criticism or repercussions. My husband and a few trusted friends have been given the URL (http://achingblossom.tumblr.com) and told it's mine. Through this, I am finding it easier to open up slowly to more and more people. I'm not sure I will ever be out to the entire world...I don't have enough of an activist spirit for that. But it is nice to be able to be myself, more and more, with more and more people.