Why do people ignore the sick...

[mikey3000]

Question...

Since my wife was diagnosed with cancer, she has been abandoned by her best friend. She hasn't even come over to see how she's doing, or call her out for coffee anymore, or even envite us out as a couple either. Any invites from us to come over are always rebuked now, saying that they have prior commitments. This is a girl that I've been friends with for 27 years with and they live 10 minutes away. Yet she calls to tell my wife and tells her about all the shopping excursions she's going on with other friends. My wife is so deeply hurt by this woman's inconsiderate actions.

Should I call her out on her poor behaviour? If I do I risk throwing the entire friendship away, but on the other hand, I cannot excuse her hurtful actions. Any advice would be appreciated.

[csrakate]

It seems as though people are scared away when a loved one gets sick....it's sad, but I've seen it happen, even with family. It's as if they don't know what to say or do, so they just say and do nothing. If you want to confront this friend, do so in a calm and understanding way...let her know that she is hurting your wife's feelings and explain to her that your wife needs things to stay as normal as possible, for her own day to day existence as well as her will to survive. Chances are these people don't even realize what they are doing...maybe even thinking they need to stay away since they consider her "sick". Maybe they just need to be told to come by and that doing so would not be considered an imposition. Best wishes to you both.

Kate

[onewhocares]

It seems as though people are scared away when a loved one gets sick....it's sad, but I've seen it happen, even with family. It's as if they don't know what to say or do, so they just say and do nothing. If you want to confront this friend, do so in a calm and understanding way...let her know that she is hurting your wife's feelings and explain to her that your wife needs things to stay as normal as possible, for her own day to day existence as well as her will to survive. Chances are these people don't even realize what they are doing...maybe even thinking they need to stay away since they consider her "sick". Maybe they just need to be told to come by and that doing so would not be considered an imposition. Best wishes to you both.

Kate

I agree with Kate. My mother has been living with us since she started her chemo in May and radiation in August. I can attest to this first hand. Some friends have fallen off the face of the earth. One cousin and my mom are out every week. Another cousin calls every couple of weeks. Most know that my mom is living with us and know that they are welcome but few call or send a note. She did attend a social meeting last weekend and commented on how surprised people were to see her there and how wonderful she looked....wig looked better than her own hair they said.

What has bothered me is that my three brothers and one sister have not really wanted to come by or help. I think they figure that I am doing all the work so they do not have too.

Belle

[cannibal4]

A friend of 27 years should be able to handle what you have to say to her. If you tell her how you feel and how it hurts your wife, she should make some changes...if she doesn't and blows ya'll off, then she never really was a friend.

Thats the way I look at it!
To me a friend is someone who knows ALL ABout me(good and bad) and is still there for me and likes me!

[_Joe_]

People hate facing thier own mortality and being with those dying eats at the fears more than you an I can comprehend.

Simple really.

[mikey3000]

The best part is that I actually have two cancer patients at home, my Mom (lung cancer) who lives with us is being ignored by her sister and daughter (my sister), and my wife. It's like no one wants to come near them cause it's contaegous or something. Very distressing. I'm actually getting more help from the neighbours then from family and "good" friends. Believe me, I comprehend very well.

[elian]

My grandfather experienced this when he had a stroke - I think what was said is probably true, a combination of not really knowing what to do or say AND people having to think about just how much control they DON'T have over their own lives.

It was very frustrating, you could tell he knew what he wanted to say but his dominant side muscles were paralyzed..and he had cancer as well - one thing you COULD hear loud and clear were swear words however.

Will keep you in my thoughts.

[_Joe_]

The best part is that I actually have two cancer patients at home, my Mom (lung cancer) who lives with us is being ignored by her sister and daughter (my sister), and my wife. It's like no one wants to come near them cause it's contaegous or something. Very distressing. I'm actually getting more help from the neighbours then from family and "good" friends. Believe me, I comprehend very well.

I wrote my reply on the iPhone stuck in carpool, so maybe what I said came out a bit wrong as I was short on patience in typing but now I'm not.

So brace yourself for a huge fucking ramble post.

As I said, and I stand by my assumption, 'friends' and others stop coming around to someone with cancer or hospice conditions because quite simply - they are facing right in the face not a friend, but a very real reminder that they will die one day. I mean, we all know we're going to die, but not everyone can face it eye to eye. It can be as bad as a friend dying with cancer, or putting an elderly in the retirement home and never calling or visiting them. Granted this is selfish and sad, but we all see it more with the elderly than with a sick person.

Then, there's what is more common I think; they stop coming around because they were selfish individuals that only kept a friendship of convienence to feed their basic human need of having a social circle. Now that someone in their circle has cancer and can't be up to the task, they are out of the cliche.

I personally have seen this happen, and it's sickening. Years ago several folks and I were a little circle of friends. One woman who was a flight nurse came down with cancer. Several of us were together for a function when I heard the news, and that's why she didn't join us - was goign through chemo. I took the time while there to track her down, and buy her some flowers and call on her. Since I never realy met her anyway, as this was all in our little online community cliche. She beat cancer in the end, and called me to thank me for the flowers, the emails, and the phone call (I fucking hate telephones, and she knows it, and that meant the most to her). I was shocked and appaled to hear everyone else didn't even give her an email after finding out. These folks I thought were friends, and the way they treated her was horrible. Needless to say I didn't keep talking to them for long, as I thougth god forbid if I ever fall down in a pit and needed to rely on someone - it would not be them.

After that, she actually divorced her husband because he gave up on her to. She fought and beat cancer two more times after that, and now is living with a man who is also facing death - guy who got AIDS and they couldn't be happier and more insane than anyone else I know.

I could go on... but now it's getting to personal for me and I'm chocking up due to a real life situation bordering these lines.

Sigh. I hate being serious.

[rissababynta]

People handle tragedy differently, and someone who is ill to the point where your wife is...well damn that is definitely a tragedy. Some people step up and be the best that they can be while others simply just turn off. In a case where they just shut off, it can be a number of reasons. It can be because of what Joe said and they are scared and reminded that life can suddenly take a turn for the worse for any of us. It can be because they are scared to remain close to her in case the worst should happen and this is just their way of trying to end things in an easier way so as they don't get hurt. It may also be that there is nothing mean about their actions at all and they are just trying to giver her the rest she needs and all of you the time together as a family that is necessary in this rough time. You'll never know any of these unless you ask and try to find out.

[mikey3000]

I can understand all those reasons, but none the less they are selfish. My wife has been there for her through her health issues and multiple miscarriages. Why can't she be here for us? Yes I know it's tough to see someone you care for get sick. But it's not like she's dying. She's sick now but she will get better. It's just chemo. My wife thinks it's cause she has no hair now and feels ugly. We're just goint to duck her phone calls and ignore her emails for now. They're always about her anyway so why bother.

[rissababynta]

I can understand all those reasons, but none the less they are selfish. My wife has been there for her through her health issues and multiple miscarriages. Why can't she be here for us? Yes I know it's tough to see someone you care for get sick. But it's not like she's dying. She's sick now but she will get better. It's just chemo. My wife thinks it's cause she has no hair now and feels ugly. We're just goint to duck her phone calls and ignore her emails for now. They're always about her anyway so why bother.

I didn't say that they weren't being selfish. It does indeed sound as if her friend is being selfish. I was simply giving reasons for why it might happen. However, if you really do want the relationship to be better, ignoring her might not be the answer. I'd try explaining how you too are feeling and if she continues to be rude about things, then perhaps ignoring her would be best for a while.

[mikey3000]

I didn't say that they weren't being selfish. It does indeed sound as if her friend is being selfish. I was simply giving reasons for why it might happen. However, if you really do want the relationship to be better, ignoring her might not be the answer. I'd try explaining how you too are feeling and if she continues to be rude about things, then perhaps ignoring her would be best for a while.

You are right. Maybe I'll wait a bit before talking to her, just so I don't say something stupid. At least give her the chance to correct her behaviour. It's a long friendship to simply just throw away. But believe it or not, others are stepping up to the bat. Very nice. My kid's soccer coach, another female friend of mine, is taking her out to dinner tonight, and she is so happy about that. Also another friend of mine from college who just finished an esthnitician course invites her over for girls nights and uses my wife as practice. I know my wife has a little cruch on her. I'm offering to send the two of them away on vacation together if they want. A vacation will do her good just to get away from everything for a bit.

[12voltman59]

It has actually been studied by psychologists---but some people do tend to distance themselves from those who become ill or workers who kept their jobs--distance themselves from their co-workers who lose their jobs in "right sizing" situations---its sorta like those who didn't get sick or laid off somehow think that they "immunize" themselves from having the same fate as others do if they sever ties to those who had such misfortune.

This is not rational or reasonable--but whoever said we human beings were ever really rational or reasonable???

Your friend might just be one of those who thinks this way--and it really comes down to it---she refuses to deal with or consider issues that deeply trouble and scare her.

[oldguy1969]

Look samething happen to my brother when he had cancer was treated like a leper. What I did was told him and his friends sure he has cancer and yes it is serious but if you are truely a good friend either come and visit or get lost. people fear death and being around people who may be dying but thats normal it brings our mortallity face to face with us. thank god most of his friends responded positively to what I said the others were never really friends and when it was his time he went peacefully. So yes confront them and I hope she gets better cause those that shyed away will one day will need her surport and not get it , then they will understand what they did Karma.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Hon, not all people know how to react to something like this. Its like they are afraid, and dont know how to accept that they may lose a friend. Some folks just dont know how to cope with the real possibility of death. Cancer is a horribly scary thing, but friends dont abandone friends. I didnt tell the kids that I tutored that I had a cancer removed several years ago...mainly for fear that it was scare and upset them. My youngest daughter blabbed that I was coming back to work after going thru cancer surgery, and that I didnt want them told. Man! Were they pissed at me! They were upset because I had elected to not tell them something that important. Those kids couldnt do enough for me when I got back..mainly because I had strict orders to not over do and not work over four hours a day, and it made me feel good that they thought enough over me to show me that kind of love and affection. It helped me a great deal, and I loved each and everyone of those disabled kids for it. :)

I'd write your lady's friend and email or letter, or simply go see her and gently explain to her that your lady misses her friends, and right now having the love of friends is one of the best tonics that she could ever have. Or, invite her friends over for a small party. It would probably mean the world to her, Hon. Ask the friend to make it a point to invite your lady out with the gang, a day out with the girls could be a wonderful restoritive. :}

I reinerate: Friends dont abandon friends when the going gets a tough. Real, true friends stay, and try to make life better.

Good luck to both, Sugar.
Cat

[mikey3000]

Although I understand the logic, I still don't think it's fair. But who ever said life was fair, eh?