Confused bi guy in need of answers

[Jarlak]

Hello

Thanks for reading this. Hopefully you'll be able to give me some answers to a lot of questions I've got whirling around my head.

I'm a 22 year old guy. Until about 2 years ago, I'd always thought of myself as gay and I was quite happy with that. 2 years ago my Mum died. After the dust had settled, I started to get a lot of feelings about my future and any family I may have.

A lot of time has been spent deciding what I want and what I feel. I've finally come to the conclusion that my attraction to men is a purely sexual thing - I don't see myself living with a guy forever. I do, however, have a burning desire for a family and a wife. Over the past year or so, I've become very attracted to my female friend, who I've known for 4 years. We get on really well and she know's all about me being attracted to guys. I'm at a cross roads now. I want to tell her how I feel about her, but I keep lusting after guys. Part of me says this is life though. Surely its no different to a straight man cooing over a pretty woman walking past.

If that's not bad enough, I've also inadvertantly discovered my Dad is bi too. I suspect I'm reliving whatever he went through.

What do you think?

[littlerayofsunshine]

Hun,

I am so sorry for your loss of your dear mother.

You said that you thought of yourself as gay until two years ago. But did you ever have attractions or "that loving feeling" toward girls/women during any of that time?

It sounds as if it all came to you after your mother's passing. So maybe you are still grieving and in need of female affection. You are examining yourself and life, which normal after suffering a loss. It's only been two years since she passed. People grieve differently and for different amounts of time.

Maybe just some genuine caring and intimacy is what you need/desire. Unless you are feeling sexual towards her, which is normal if you feel interest in her emotionally.
You could try talking with her about how you have changed and about your mothers passing. See how she responds to that, instead of telling her that you feel those things directly at her.

It would be nice if you and your father could have a talk too. Might bring you both closer together.

Those are just my thoughts.

[djones]

My situation is different, of course, but should you find yourself in a relationship with a women (your close friend or otherwise) and an eye towards marriage/commitment and family etc. , just be clear and open about your attractions and bisexual (or gay) nature. What I can offer from my experience, is living with a secret side of your life is too trying, painful, and difficult for all parties involved.

Take your steps slowly and thoughtfully - as it seems you are. 22 is young - though life may still feel urgent in all areas - so you have time to make purposeful and wise decisions without rushing blindly in to your future.

In regard to your father, if you see yourself as reliving what he went through, sounds as though you have the wisdom to see things that may not have worked for him givien the similar situations. Perhaps you can learn from your insights and make different choices and decisions for yourself.

Best of luck in your adventure - as that is what life is !

DJ

[Jarlak]

Thanks for your reply. You raise some good points that I hadn't considered. I'll certainly think on this. :)

[dodartist]

please keep this in mind also. If it is only your "biological clock" ticking because you are now among the eldest generation in your family, there are implications that last a lifetime. For you and your proginy. Take the time to sort out what you actually need and feel right now. While a child may be in your future, it is a decision that should not be made out of lonliness or grief, but rather because you want to nuture and see another generation grow from you. This also should include the right life-partner and may not be the first woman you have been attracted to in a while.
Good luck and I hope this helps.

[Gearbox]

I want to tell her how I feel about her, but I keep lusting after guys. Part of me says this is life though. Surely its no different to a straight man cooing over a pretty woman walking past.
Speaking for myself, no it's no different.

Forget babies for a while though. Have a relationship with her first.;)

[pawned79]

Jarlak,

My story was similar: At first I thought my interest in other men was purely sexual, but then I discovered that I could have very strong feelings and feel very comfortable with the concept of a long-term relationship with another guy.

In the end, I think the best thing for you to do is just not worry too much about it. Don't see gender as a variable in the equation, but take every encounter as it is. Have fun with it. Be yourself, and allow yourself to feel whatever it is you feel. If you have a long-term desire for a particular type of relationship, then that is fine; pursue it! But if you happen across someone that wasn't on your radar, and you find yourself enjoying their company more and more, don't feel uncomfortable about it. Also, you need to feel comfortable talking about what desires and feelings you are having with whoever you are with. If your potential mate is very uncomfortable with your ambiguous gender preference, then it may be time to move on.

Good luck to you, and remember to enjoy yourself.

[CRAZMIN4EVERER]

I have been married for almost 15 years. I had sex with guys before I got married. At first, I thought I was gay .... I enjoyed doing things with males, but somehow I did not have the feeling to date or to live with another intimate male. I have been enjoying with my wife and children. We have a happy family, but sometimes I still crave for sex with a male. Several years ago, One of my male friend came to California. He's also married now. He called me up and asked me to have a cup of coffee with him. As soon as I got into his 18 wheel truck, I started to get hard .... He also started to grasp my private and get down on it. We really had a good time, but We both felt guilty afterwards. As soon as I cummed, my feeling for a male is clear and finished. I did not want to tell my wife ... I am so scared to loose my family. I do love her and my children so much.

Hello

Thanks for reading this. Hopefully you'll be able to give me some answers to a lot of questions I've got whirling around my head.

I'm a 22 year old guy. Until about 2 years ago, I'd always thought of myself as gay and I was quite happy with that. 2 years ago my Mum died. After the dust had settled, I started to get a lot of feelings about my future and any family I may have.

A lot of time has been spent deciding what I want and what I feel. I've finally come to the conclusion that my attraction to men is a purely sexual thing - I don't see myself living with a guy forever. I do, however, have a burning desire for a family and a wife. Over the past year or so, I've become very attracted to my female friend, who I've known for 4 years. We get on really well and she know's all about me being attracted to guys. I'm at a cross roads now. I want to tell her how I feel about her, but I keep lusting after guys. Part of me says this is life though. Surely its no different to a straight man cooing over a pretty woman walking past.

If that's not bad enough, I've also inadvertantly discovered my Dad is bi too. I suspect I'm reliving whatever he went through.

What do you think?

[someotherguy]

Whatever you do, keep faith with your reality. I recommend against thinking in terms of trying to fit into any role or relationship that would require denying who you are. Regardless of sexual orientation, exclusivity in a relationship is a thing unto itself. Being sneaky is no good, no matter what else. Maybe for now in response to the life and death event of your mother passing you are focused on reproduction, family, the love of a woman. But at the same time, you like sex with guys. Obviously none of the more traditional family plans allow for both recreational gay sex and the married with children things to happen at the same time. Non-traditional works, too, so your solution may well be one you make up to suit your needs. 22 is damn young for knowing enough to do anything other than mindlessly fall in line, if there is a line to fall into. But it's a good age to remain true to yourself, be honest with others, and allow for there being plenty of mysteries worth pondering and without undue impatience.

It's OK to be bi. It's OK to not yet know what to do. Take your time figuring things out and don't rush into anything. The more open and straightforward you are with people, the more you learn what is worth knowing. It is as likely as not that whatever you eventually decide is right for you about sex, relationships and family will be workable and turn out fine. Settling for something because you doubt you could get what you really want is a mistake.