Do you get different things...

[softfruit]

I've hardly been on this board in six months. Do excuse me.

Anyhow, I have this idea that has been niggling at the back of my head for a while, and I thought I would share it and see whether it strikes a chord with people.

It seems to me as if there are two quite different experiences of being bisexual. For some people, they are bi because their love & lust is "gender blind"; they fall for or lust after people and the genitalia don't really enter into it. Butch boys, femme boys, butch girls, femme girls, genderqueer, trannie, whatever. They get the same buzz / spark / thrill from being with someone regardless.

But then on the other hand there are people who they find they get something different. So they will be with a boy but feel the urge for a girl, or vice versa, and what they are yearning for is something that - for them - they can't get from their current partner.

At first I thought this was a way of understanding the difference between nonmonogamous bis (getting different things) and monogamous bis (happy with whatever they fall for at the time). After some more consideration I don't think that holds, but as for the general observation, do other people see such a split? Or do you vary between being the one flavour of bi and the other?

[Newmexicanman]

Take this for what you will but:

There are those that generally fall into the "anything that moves" category. These people will go after sex in whatever package it comes in and, sometimes, this can have harmful consequences for people this category of bisexual person. Meaning that the term "bisexual" can mean someone who does lust after anything that moves. Sex feels good, and there are no holds barred. Monogamy does not seem to figure into it.

However!

There are also people that are literally gender blind. They can fall for either gender. Love and lust. A lot of combinations in there, but that is like anything human.

As for me, I'm a guy that can love a man or a woman. It is the heart of people I look at, and genitalia does not figure into it. After all, whe we marry a woman, we do not marry based on her vagina or her breasts. We do not marry what makes her a woman, we marry the woman.

This is not to say there is no lust. To me the experience of a woman sexually is exquisite. A soft, comfortable, and often, too, very lively unabashed experience. Equally, to me, there is definitely a thrill that goes with the sight, feel, taste, and texture of a man sexually. The two experiences are totally different, but they each have their very positive attributes.

Do I have to have both experiences? No... I was very monogamously married to a woman for more than 20 years and it never presented a problem for me. After the divorce I had a relationship with a man that lasted some time and was very comfortable. During that time I remained equally monogamous. And I did not have any problem with that.

I do, however, know a guy who is married and cannot be monogamous to his wife. He literally craves sexual contact with a man and feels compelled to act upon it. His wife has no idea of his "ater-ego". Another close friend - a woman - is also bisexual and maintains a relationship with a woman. Without that her marriage would dissolve. Her husband knows and turns a remarkably adept blind eye.

There do not seem to be any hard nd fast rules. There are as many reasons and categories as there are people acknowledging their own bisexuality.

[PeterH]

Hi softfruit,

You raise a very interesting question. I find it hard to answer it, but here's my :2cents:
I get the impression that bisexuality means different things for different people, and I suppose they act (partly) accordingly. Yes, for some people, it seems to be just a sexual craving, an itch they want scratched.
I also think that the ones that are out seem to behave differently from the ones that aren't. I get the impression that people whoi aren't out tend to go more for the sex and the short term. People who are out, seem to choose for monogamy, or a more stable relationship with a second person. It also has to do with personality I guess.
As for me, I'm a thinker and I tend to take things slow. I try to figure out what to do next before I jump into things. It's one of the reasons why i'm here. What that means for my bisexual life? I don't know, but definitely not one night stand like situations. I sometimes think I might be tempted into one and carry a packet of condoms as my 'insurance policy' for that.

[SilverWulf]

I think that there as many different ways to express ones bisexuality, as there are people who are bisexual. Sure, it can probably be broken down into a dozen or so groups, but there will be many who will not fall into any of the categories.

As for me, I am a hedonist. This does not mean that I go after anything that moves at any time. I am very selective, as a result I have only had a few limited experiences. I crave fulfilling more of my fantasies, but I will not do so unless it is also fulfilling in other ways as well.

I would say my relationship is non-monogomous, but with permission. I am very lucky in that my wife is also bi and is as open minded and hedonistic as I am. But again, we are extremely careful and selective. Most times when we get a wild hair we explore together and broaden our horizons that way as opposed to engaging in risky behavior with others. One of these days we'll find another compatible couple, then we can be monogomous, 4 ways :)

[Lisa (va)]

I have to agree with Silverwulf, as much as I dislike labels. Every "bi" person is first an individual and each one is different in the views and choices (from what 'bi' means to them, 'cheating', level of emotion with partner, etc. Would be a pretty non eventful world if we all thought alike. But I do like the term 'gender blind', it comes the closest to fitting my personal life as I believe a persons emotions and attractions to another should be gender inspecific, as previously stated we love the person, not their bodies and genitals. For myself the onlt difference between making love to a woman or a man is the mechanics of sex, not the emotions.

Lisa

hugs n kisses

[rupertbare]

I do love that:- "gender blind"
I'm fed up calling myself a "bi-sexual" - there was a lot of chat recently about "biamorous" - and as it's root means "love" rather than "sex" I'm really thinking that for a great many that use this site it is a far better term.

I've always said here in the forums that I am "bisexual", "I am an alcoholic (for those that don't know I haven't touched a drop for nearly 15years)", "I am the primary carer for my youngest kids" etc. etc... but, because of recent events in my life, now I have come to the conclusion that yes I am all of those things - but all of those things make "me" ME. Ron. And people here accept me for being just that - Ron (aka Rupe/rupe) and some of them even seem to like me!! (You know who you are - and there's more day by day). And that makes me feel real good about myself.

So I will mention just one person by name - and that is our one and only site owner - Drew. Without him...............

Love and Peace to you all

Ron :) (aka Rupe)

[nubiwoman]

I've hardly been on this board in six months. Do excuse me.

Anyhow, I have this idea that has been niggling at the back of my head for a while, and I thought I would share it and see whether it strikes a chord with people.

It seems to me as if there are two quite different experiences of being bisexual. For some people, they are bi because their love & lust is "gender blind"; they fall for or lust after people and the genitalia don't really enter into it. Butch boys, femme boys, butch girls, femme girls, genderqueer, trannie, whatever. They get the same buzz / spark / thrill from being with someone regardless.

But then on the other hand there are people who they find they get something different. So they will be with a boy but feel the urge for a girl, or vice versa, and what they are yearning for is something that - for them - they can't get from their current partner.

At first I thought this was a way of understanding the difference between nonmonogamous bis (getting different things) and monogamous bis (happy with whatever they fall for at the time). After some more consideration I don't think that holds, but as for the general observation, do other people see such a split? Or do you vary between being the one flavour of bi and the other?


Hey Softfruit,

First of all welcome back!...I've missed your presence here in the forums :cool:

Hmm what interesting points you raise, as ever..

I definitely see myself in the first category at the moment, and have been monogamous with a bisexual male partner for quite some time now.... however, whilst i was married I ached to be with a woman and didnt believe i could live my life without satiating this desire...?

For now, at least for me, i conclude that being in a fulfilling relationship makes my desire to be with a woman less of a priority than it was when my relationship was so inadequate...

In some ways this just seems to open another can of worms though.. because, as you say Softfruit, other bisexual people have a deep rooted need to be intimate with someone whose gender is different to their partner, and yet this in no way detracts from their feelings for their partner.. they just yearn, like you say, for something they cannot get from them..

I want to simplify this and say it is a way of avoiding commitment, of keeping options open, of keeping one foot in the door maybe?... I want to say that... but i cant... because i dont believe it is that simple... though i so wish it was!

cheers Julie xx