bf "bi" tendencies???

[belinda0719]

Hello All,

I don't know who to turn to & feel this site will enlighten me on the "bi" world. Recently, while on my bf's computer, I looked at his history of sites. I was completely shocked of what he was viewing. He was viewing profiles/webcams of males & transgenders.

At that given moment, I decided to brush it off because it couldn't be true. As a couple days passed, it still bothered me so I decided to log onto the supposed website he visited & see if I could find his profile. I did find his profile which revealed he was "bi-curious". I never saw this coming a mile away & was really saddened/confused by it all. The thought of him cheating on me just crushed my heart.

So the next day, I confronted him about it. He was very calm about the confrontation & never denied anything & surprisingly opened up about everything. He was going to tell me, but felt that 3 months in a relationship was a little to soon to express a very personal matter.

He pretty much told me he fantasizes of men. When he was questioning his sexuality earlier in life, he put himself to the test several times but could never act it out as it was repulsive in his mind to be with another man sexually. He then told me his fantasy stimulates his sexual mind.

He stated he has never cheated on me nor has met anyone on the website but uses the website to fullfill his fantasy by viewing other men. He then spoke about his last ex who would penetrate him anally, but even then, he still felt uncomfortable.


My question on this forum is if there are men who do fantasize about having sex with other men, but don't necessarily want to act it out. So in a nutshell, are there heterosexual man out there who fantasize of men? Or would it be they are heterosexual but are bi- curious? I'm hoping this makes sense, let me know if its not clear.

[roy m cox]

well to me im not curious i really like both sexes and at the same time at that and it started when i was very very young i have liked both. but never been curious thou a lot people well tell you that he's just gay and hiding the fact which is not true if he is a bisexual and a true one then he'll like both no matter what but if he is just experimenting then yeah i can see wear he is just curious and at that note id say get tested if he's just going out playing around random guys :tong:

[FalconAngel]

Just keep talking honestly and openly with each other. My wife knew that I was BI within a few weeks of us dating.

Let him explore, playing safe, of course, but also let him know that you are being supportive of his curiosity and if you are willing to help him out, then let him know that as well.

How the two of you handle it is up to you, but there are a wide variety of options that you can choose from, but realize that both of you may have to make compromises in order to work it out.

Good luck.

[Long Duck Dong]

hugs belinda

I am bisexual and male, bit I am the sort of bisexual that wants a one on one relationship with my partner who is a straight female....

like your partner, my partner offered to try female on male, anal sex...and we used a feeldoe feeldoe (http://www.feeldoe.com/)

if your partner is ok with you and him only, a feeldoe can help and for the female it can be a powerful experience

not all males that fantasy about male on male sex will act on it.... he could be a mentalsexual or a person that enjoys the fantasy images not the actual act of sexual intercourse that is the fantasy come to life.....

the fact that he was open, and honest with you is fantastic, that allows you and him to talk and learn about bi curiosity....

what bi curiosity is, is a interest in bi sexual activities, or sexual contact with males and females..... it can range from kissing and hugging, mutual masturbation, to full intercourse.....
as young kids and teens we are often sexually curious and wonder what its like to kiss and touch and look.....bi curious is the same thing.... they wonder what its like.....

so my advice is talk with him or let him talk to you about it or you can sit with him and view the images if he agrees and that way you can get a feel for what its like for bi curious people and how a lot of the pics are of normal people like you and your partner.....

[goldenfinger]

Belinda, this is far more common then you think, or like to think.Lesbian is almost normal and accepted, but with guys, it's a little bit slower. We don't know how old he is, but late teens and early twenties, this is very normal.The fact that you found your way to this site, indicate that you are willing to learn more about reality. There is so much you both can learn here.
Many of us here were in the same situation as you,long before the internet and didn't know there was other people out there just like us. You have all the info at your fingertip so dig in and learn all you can.

[gene_e]

Interesting post. Very open and honest of you, too, to want to know your boyfriend better. It may be difficult for him to face what he is feeling especially while being in what I hope is a caring relationship with you. I would support the views of those who have responded to your post, realizing that it may be strange for you to consider that your boyfriend's thoughts may sometimes be about males. Like so many situations, there are choices to be made concerning what is acceptable and tolerable. This may take some soul searching. Continued dialogue can strengthen the relationship.

Thank you for your posting.

gene

[littlerayofsunshine]

Hi Belinda and welcome...


I am a bisexual woman married to a bisexual man. He was not upfront with me about his bisexuality. I found out after we were married and same as you, through his computer.

So I can understand how perplexed you must feel suddenly having the man you thought you knew so well, suddenly be in a different light.

I bet your man is on eggshells wondering how you are going to process this, but I am sure he feels a weight has been lifted off his shoulders and probably feels closer and more vulnerable to you right now. He is honestly discussing and reassuring you and that is important. If he says he's not interested in physically fulfilling the fantasies right now and hasn't cheated, he is most likely telling you the truth.

There are men, that are fine with just having their fantasies be their fantasies and never feel the need to seek sex with others.

Sometimes being able to talk about thoughts and desires, viewing pics/porn with, or use of sexual toys and role play with their woman is enough and for a bi-curious/bisexual man to feel fulfilled and sexually satisfied.

My husband and I took a year of discussion to work out the dynamic of our sexual relationship and are still changing and growing. We are very open and honest with each other.

I commend you for coming here and finding out information and asking your question. Sounds like you have a wonderful relationship in the works, as long as you both work for and support each other...


Good luck and best wishes.

[rissababynta]

Hubby and I are both bi. He didn't realize until after we were together for a while, but I knew for a LONG ass time about myself.

My husband told me that he never really thought about being with men and claims that he doesn't really think much about it now either, so I don't know what the deal was with him lmao.

In answer to your question though, HELL YEAH there are many straight men who fantasize about men but do not act on it. Male, female, straight, bi or gay, there are a lot of people in the world who fantasize about a lot of things that given the chance to in real life, they would turn down in an instant. However, this isn't how it is for everyone. So just because it happens, don't expect that to be a final answer to who he is.

Communication and honesty is the key.

[belinda0719]

Thank you everyone for your comments, it really means a lot to me as I'm newbie to the bisexual world. I've always been a heterosexual woman who can be traditional at times but am open to almost anything. I hate judging someone without knowing the full story.

Your comments & this site alone has helped me to answer many of the questions I had. It's somewhat odd to say, but not only did I learn about my bf, but I kinda learned something about myself.

I feel that everyone has bi curious tendencies, some may be very extreme while others are mild. With a past relationship, we engaged in a threesome & even though it was not my fantasy, but my partners, there was a slight excitement in having sexual relations with another woman.

Once again, thank you very much for the support :)

[littlerayofsunshine]

Hubby and I are both bi. He didn't realize until after we were together for a while, but I knew for a LONG ass time about myself.



OMG *Takes a double take*... I never knew that.... Between the oil wrestling from the cheating thread and now picturing to white girls, a hispanic and an asain man... Gawd you are killing me today Rissa......!!!!!


*drools*

[rissababynta]

OMG *Takes a double take*... I never knew that.... Between the oil wrestling from the cheating thread and now picturing to white girls, a hispanic and an asain man... Gawd you are killing me today Rissa......!!!!!


*drools*

Uh, not quite sure how all that popped into your head but rock on! lmfao

[rissababynta]

Thank you everyone for your comments, it really means a lot to me as I'm newbie to the bisexual world. I've always been a heterosexual woman who can be traditional at times but am open to almost anything. I hate judging someone without knowing the full story.

Your comments & this site alone has helped me to answer many of the questions I had. It's somewhat odd to say, but not only did I learn about my bf, but I kinda learned something about myself.

I feel that everyone has bi curious tendencies, some may be very extreme while others are mild. With a past relationship, we engaged in a threesome & even though it was not my fantasy, but my partners, there was a slight excitement in having sexual relations with another woman.

Once again, thank you very much for the support :)

We're a great family. Although some may argue it at times, we try our best to give as much support and love as possible and I'm sure I speak on behalf of everyone who has responded that it was our pleasure to share our advice with you. Glad to see that you have learned something about the two of you and I hope that you will continue to be a member on this site with us.

[BB220]

Hi Belinda,
I've been on this site for awhile, but never actually posted anything. I have similar feelings to your bf. While not in a relationship now, I have only been in relationships with women. Outside of sexual fantasies, I don't really have an attraction to men I see in real life.

However, for a few years now, I have been interested in fantasizing about or watching bisexual/gay porn. It turns me on to think about it. I have often masturbated thinking about acting on it, but never have done so nor am I sure that I ever will. Afterwards, I often feel repulsed or maybe ashamed of the thought of actually following through with it. So I don't know if I should consider myself bi, bi-curious, or straight with bi-sexual fantasies. I guess there really is no need to put any sort of label on it. It just is what it is I guess.

Hope this helps. If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

[csrakate]

Belinda,
As you can see by my profile, I was very much in your shoes many, many years ago. I can promise you that even if your man is bisexual, bi-curious or what have you, he is quite capable of simply having a sexual attraction without having to act on it. Keep the lines of communication open and allow him to talk to you about these things....but always feel free to express YOUR fears and worries to him as well. The very fact that he shared this information with you is a step in the right direction. He no longer feels the need to hide nor does he feel the shame or confusion of having to hide it from you. As long as he knows you can accept him for who he truly is, you are on the road to a good relationship of open honesty. You never know, once you are more comfortable in this, you may be able to share his sexuality with him as a couple...not suggesting in real life, but through shared fantasies, scenarios and role play. You may be surprised as to how open your mind can really be...but one word of caution....NEVER do anything or pretend anything that you cannot be comfortable with...no one should ever expect you to do anything that you cannot feel safe and comfortable talking about, not even in fantasies.

Just know that you are not alone...there are many of us in your situation and I can tell you that after 29 years, I am very happy in my marriage. But it has taken a lot of work and a great deal of talking. Good luck to you both!

Kate

[csrakate]

OMG *Takes a double take*... I never knew that.... Between the oil wrestling from the cheating thread and now picturing to white girls, a hispanic and an asain man... Gawd you are killing me today Rissa......!!!!!


*drools*

May I offer the four of you the use of my video camera and tripod? LOL!!! Just don't get any oil on the lens!! :tongue:

[rissababynta]

May I offer the four of you the use of my video camera and tripod? LOL!!! Just don't get any oil on the lens!! :tongue:

Sounds good to me! Maybe the tape will be "accidentally" released on the internet which will be my starting off point to fame.

[csrakate]

Sounds good to me! Maybe the tape will be "accidentally" released on the internet which will be my starting off point to fame.

Or something they will drag out in the tabloids when you become famous the regular way LOL!!!

[littlerayofsunshine]

Or something they will drag out in the tabloids when you become famous the regular way LOL!!!


Sounds good to me! Maybe the tape will be "accidentally" released on the internet which will be my starting off point to fame.


and when you became famous, I would feel pride and a sense of joy in knowing that I had a hand in that, or a finger or two, or a toy would be nice...:tong:

[midwestseeker]

I totally understand being upset at what you discovered. It's always upsetting when you find out that your S.O. has been hiding something.

But...see it from his position. A LOT of people are bi-curious. It's something that's becoming more common these days now more than ever. But, there's a double standard. Women can be more open about occasionally desireing a woman (even if they don't intend on doing anything about it). Men, on the other hand, can't be open about it at all, because the unfair view is that a bi-curious guy is just on his way to being gay, or he'll go right out and try to explore on his own without telling his wife or gf.

Not true. For a lot of men (me included), we can be just as sexually curious as women. I can understand why he didn't tell you because it's VERY hard to figure out how the women in our life will react when we say something. Granted, some women do react well. Times are changing. But there are many many women who will freak out for various (sometimes understandable) reasons.

I suppose it all hinges on just what he's thinking about it. If he's just a guy who fantasizes about men, and goes to the internet for avenues to explore safely (websites/articles/pornography)...although those CAN be harmful as well, but doesnt intend on actually ACTING on it, that's pretty common. I've always loved women, but even when happy in a relationship with a women, I still think about men sometimes. It doesn't mean I don't love her, or am not attracted to her, it's just a matter of where my mind goes sometimes.

Fantasies aren't secret wishes. They can be, but they don't have to be. I mean, don't you have secret fantasies you haven't told him about because you're afraid of what he'll think?

On the other hand, if this is something he really NEEDS to experience, then that''s something you're both going to have to talk about, and yes, you have every right then to decide if that's something you can accept or not because that WILL affect you.

Just some thoughts.

[belinda0719]

To the Illinois men who posted on my thread, you really summed it up for me & thank you. My mind is 90% at ease now, while the 10% still has questions about it.

I have a long way to go, but am taking it one day at a time. :)

[midwestseeker]

If that's me, then no problem. Glad to help. Let us know how it goes as you two talk about all this!

[csrakate]

My mind is 90% at ease now, while the 10% still has questions about it.

I have a long way to go, but am taking it one day at a time. :)

Just keep talking as a couple and don't hesitate to ask those questions that still hang in your head. Keep sharing your feelings and listen closely to his. Share them and validate them and let each other know you are hearing what the other has to say and soon you will find yourself able to understand even more. Best of luck to you both.

Kate

[belinda0719]

Midwestseeker: My fear in this whole thing is that I will not be able to satisfy all his needs. We are in a long distance relationship which doesn't help as he has a strong sexual appetite. Overall, the best thing I can do is express my concern and keep lines of communication open. I will definitely keep you posted of our progess. Thanks again....

[maytag]

Belinda,

My take is this:
Some of us are confused about our sexuality. I was always shy around women, yet women were always attracted to me. I used be told (back in the day) that I could get more ass than a toilet seat.

I married late, not really wanting to be married, but every one else was, and I was tired of the bar thing, so I married too. A lovely woman, pretty, smart, accomplished, the mother of my children, but the sensuality wasn't there.

In desparation (at least thats how I like to think of it) I found internet chat. I found Bondage.Com and learned about a whole world of bd/sm. It was wierd, stupid, a time waster. But!! It did fulfill something I was unable to understand within myself.

Within that bd/sm experience I learned I loved being sexually submissive to a woman. I was introduced to bisexuality (so far only online) and was amazed how excited I became when a dominant woman wanted me to be with another man. And I learned (more than online) that I love having a woman penetrate me with a strapon.

At my age, in that 50's culture of my birth, these things were totally taboo. The strapon, the bisex, that was so far over the edge. Yet it enthralled me, stimulated me, excited me.

I tried to tease my wife into this type of activity at any level. Anything to spice things up. Regrettably it failed. I bought her a mesh body stocking, she threw it out, telling me it made her feel like a whore.

Well, a couple of years ago the marriage at long last failed. By chance I met a woman and confided everything to her. EVERYTHING!!! I was quite sure she would smack me and that would be the last I saw her. Incredibly she found her Domme side. She bought books, toys, corsets, you get the idea. She loves the power in controlling me. It excites her perhaps even more than it excites me. Never in my life have I seen a woman respond even more powerfully than a man.

For me, in this relationship, I have never been able to perform better. At my advanced age I have gone for over an hour, sort of like the Energizer Bunny :) (the recovery time isn't what it used to be though) The goal is to please Mistress, and to that end I can do wonders. Now understand, this isn't a wierd 24/7 thing. We are both normal people, no one would ever suspect. There are no bruises, cuts piercings, tattoos. Its really all in the mind.

She loves the thought of seeing me with a man. We discuss it often. Yet, for all I have thought and imagined about it, I look at a man on the street, or in the grocery store, and think "YUCK'. However, when passion strikes, and she takes charge, all she has to do is suggest I have a man between my lips and I can go for another hour.

The point this long story is trying to make is this: Sounds like your guy is open and honest. Sounds like your guy likes a little kink in his life. Perhaps you should investigate ways to insure you are a totally happy woman!! Cuz I got a feeling its there.

Best of luck

[jimjam]

talk talk then more talk, estabish your and his boundrys beliefs and thoughts .. good luck

[drwilsontx]

Honey, I have to say for most of my life I have had to hide my bi-tendencies from my wife/gf what not. I am very fortunate now I have a gf who is understanding, loving and supportive. be patient, talk, and talk some more. communication is the key to a rewarding sexlife whether straight, bi, swinger or anywhere between, talk, talk and then talk some more.

my gf now, knows about my bi tendencies, finds it hot and to be honest she satisfies them for the most part with a strap on. Communication is the key, talk, talk and then talk more. establish boundaries what acceptable and whats not for you and him.