Long Duck Dong
Oct 30, 2009, 8:08 AM
I was speaking to a friend I know well, as a out bisexual and active in the scene, and we got to talking about hooking up and how he had no partner but his ex partner loved him and they wanted to make a go of things again
( i gained permission to share this with the site as frankly, I need help from couples that have experienced this type of issue and can share their ways of doing with it....)
A remark he made to me, was one that was something that I have been curious about with many bisexuals and that is to do with not forming emotional connections.
He made the remark that for him, hooking up for casual sex suited him better than forming a relationship with a partner as hiding the tears was something he was very tired of doing.... out of curiosity I asked him to explain that as I was a lil unsure what he was referring to.
his answer was one that shocked me, he was tired of hurting and crying because of forming emotional attachments with partners and having his heart ripped out of his chest because of the bisexual lifestyle he led
it turns out that while he is bisexual and did date bisexual people... he was not able to deal with his actions while in a relationship
WOW, take about a catch 22 situation, the very nature of a person is also a heart breaker for the person....
this has made me curious, are there other bisexuals in the site that have the same issues, they are ok with casual sex and hooking up, but struggle emotionally in a relationship because of their activities or the way they perceive their partner feeling about remaining out
we are not talking about cheating or infidelity, we are talking about sexual content with permission from partners and full open honesty... but a inability to come to terms with who and what they are when in a relationship
the guy is out and proud, and very well accepted in the group he moves with, as a genuine caring, guy with good hygiene a lot of respect for his hook ups and casual partners, but it would appear they are a emotional person at heart.....
knowing his ex partner well, helped me to understand what he is saying, she is a very understanding lady and we have talked as well in the past, she told me that he made a excellent partner but in their relationship, struggled with his sexual desires and on the few occasions he went with others, ended up having nightmares, finally revealing to her that it was a internal struggle with him and the idea of leaving her to lay in the arms of another did hurt him, but denying the desires did cause him to become moody and differcult...
knowing my friend as I do, this has been a struggle for a number of years and he has been for counselling and got told to decide if he was using his bisexuality as a excuse to get out of relationships and avoid commitment ( yes the relationship services in new zealand are ratshit at times )
he does want to settle down, but doesn't know how to resolve the issues he is struggling with......and his ex partner will welcome him back with open arms, bisexual tendencies and all...... and she will happily share his bisexual experiences with him
I said to him, baby steps, take it one day at a day and do not try to change anything, let his ex become part of his life again, but change the way he sees her.... stop seeing her as a partner, see her as a companion, somebody that he shares his life with, cares about deeply, and trusts completely....but not somebody that he is betraying with his actions or sexual desires as he shares his experiences openly..... and that it is possible that his problem is that he is too dammed caring and loving in a relationship and the idea of one on one monogamy and commitment is not the issue, but instead the idea that he may be hurting somebody by not being there for them alone...... and having a companion changes the way he can see things and life the burden he carries
its not the best of advice but its the same principal I used to deal with my own struggle with bisexuality and a relationship.... but I have dystimia so i have to handle things in a certain and very restricted way in regards to my own life.....
what advice do other bisexuals have that may help..... and its not about making him monogamous, but changing the way he feels and how for him being monogamous would not work, but that his ex will support him totally and happily to continue being a bisexual and acting on the desires
( i gained permission to share this with the site as frankly, I need help from couples that have experienced this type of issue and can share their ways of doing with it....)
A remark he made to me, was one that was something that I have been curious about with many bisexuals and that is to do with not forming emotional connections.
He made the remark that for him, hooking up for casual sex suited him better than forming a relationship with a partner as hiding the tears was something he was very tired of doing.... out of curiosity I asked him to explain that as I was a lil unsure what he was referring to.
his answer was one that shocked me, he was tired of hurting and crying because of forming emotional attachments with partners and having his heart ripped out of his chest because of the bisexual lifestyle he led
it turns out that while he is bisexual and did date bisexual people... he was not able to deal with his actions while in a relationship
WOW, take about a catch 22 situation, the very nature of a person is also a heart breaker for the person....
this has made me curious, are there other bisexuals in the site that have the same issues, they are ok with casual sex and hooking up, but struggle emotionally in a relationship because of their activities or the way they perceive their partner feeling about remaining out
we are not talking about cheating or infidelity, we are talking about sexual content with permission from partners and full open honesty... but a inability to come to terms with who and what they are when in a relationship
the guy is out and proud, and very well accepted in the group he moves with, as a genuine caring, guy with good hygiene a lot of respect for his hook ups and casual partners, but it would appear they are a emotional person at heart.....
knowing his ex partner well, helped me to understand what he is saying, she is a very understanding lady and we have talked as well in the past, she told me that he made a excellent partner but in their relationship, struggled with his sexual desires and on the few occasions he went with others, ended up having nightmares, finally revealing to her that it was a internal struggle with him and the idea of leaving her to lay in the arms of another did hurt him, but denying the desires did cause him to become moody and differcult...
knowing my friend as I do, this has been a struggle for a number of years and he has been for counselling and got told to decide if he was using his bisexuality as a excuse to get out of relationships and avoid commitment ( yes the relationship services in new zealand are ratshit at times )
he does want to settle down, but doesn't know how to resolve the issues he is struggling with......and his ex partner will welcome him back with open arms, bisexual tendencies and all...... and she will happily share his bisexual experiences with him
I said to him, baby steps, take it one day at a day and do not try to change anything, let his ex become part of his life again, but change the way he sees her.... stop seeing her as a partner, see her as a companion, somebody that he shares his life with, cares about deeply, and trusts completely....but not somebody that he is betraying with his actions or sexual desires as he shares his experiences openly..... and that it is possible that his problem is that he is too dammed caring and loving in a relationship and the idea of one on one monogamy and commitment is not the issue, but instead the idea that he may be hurting somebody by not being there for them alone...... and having a companion changes the way he can see things and life the burden he carries
its not the best of advice but its the same principal I used to deal with my own struggle with bisexuality and a relationship.... but I have dystimia so i have to handle things in a certain and very restricted way in regards to my own life.....
what advice do other bisexuals have that may help..... and its not about making him monogamous, but changing the way he feels and how for him being monogamous would not work, but that his ex will support him totally and happily to continue being a bisexual and acting on the desires