advice from straight spouse

[banditt37]

Hi, I am new to this site. I just came out to my wife a month ago and would like to hear from other straight spouses on how they handled it. She is trying hard but has good days and bad. I have been very open to her and will are still having great sex. I love her and don't want to lose her, but I have needs.
Any advice would be great.
Thanks

[Realist]

Welcome, you've found an extrordinary place!

Hey, your wife's still with you and trying, that's a good sign!

It's a difficult concept for some to grasp. My ex couldn't take it and it ate her up. Being raised in a fundamentalist church and being dominated by her fanatical preacher mother didn't help, either.

Keep telling her and showing her that you love her and hopefully she will accept you as your are. If you're really lucky, maybe she'll join in.

There's a few brilliant ladies and guys here, who are straight and accept their bi spouses, maybe they'll help you through this, too.

Good luck!

[onewhocares]

Hi Bandit,


First let me WELCOME you BOTH to this site. It is not just a site for the person who is bi, but also for the straight spouse, child, loved one, friend or those wishing understanding about bisexuality. I am Belle and I am the straight wife of a bi man from Boston. We joined here nearly four years ago (where has the time gone) and I can not imagine not stumbling across this site. I was very apprehensive when we joined as to Werther or not I, the straight spouse, would be accepted here. How wrong I was. I was welcomed by some wonderful people, especially the insightful and understanding Kate, Arana and Mrs. F. They along with others ensured me that everyone who came to seek advice, have questioned answered and talk about our experiences would be welcomed. I have since come to know SO SO many fine folks here. While some may not consider many bisexual sites a community, I personally feel that we here are that, a community of diverse and interesting people who are joined together in common interests and want to foster support of others in our shoes.

If you would like to have your wife PM me, I know that I will be most happy to talk with her about my experiences. I can tell you having been in her shoes that it is not always easy to understand and it was great to talk to others who had similar experiences.

Belle

[csrakate]

Allow her to have her fears and anger and be available to talk to her whenever she has a question. Don't overreact when she lashes out...she feels betrayed and lied to right now and more than likely is also fearing something she doesn't understand. Continue to let her know just how much you love her and how your bisexual feelings take nothing away from your love and desire for her. I can promise you her biggest fear right now is the prospect of losing you to another man. I know it sounds silly, but if she doesn't understand bisexuality, she will assume she is unable to "compete" and therefore will lose. Keep the lines of communication open and be totally honest with her. Suggest she come to this site to learn some more. One thing she needs to know is that she is not alone....and that is probably how she feels right now.

Above all, continue to show her love and support and be very thankful that she accepted this news without walking out the door. It's obvious she loves you and is willing to work with you...BUT..don't expect too much too soon. Take baby steps....patience will pay off.

Good luck to you both and if you need someone for her to talk to, feel free to contact me.

Best wishes,
Kate

[by~his~side]

Hey There Banditt,
Welcome! My husband is bi...I am straight. Believe it or not, neither my husband or I can remember the moment or the details when he told me he was bi. It all of a sudden was a part of our lives. We'd been married for several years when he told me. (This is a second marriage for both of us)
I agree with the advice of the other posters. Allow her to feel what she needs to feel until she can see it clearly enough to take a position. Do you still love her?.....Will you leave her for a man?.......Can she trust you again/What else are you hiding?......Is the desire so fierce that you'd resort to glory holes and sex with unknown men in their cars?.....Will you be safe/protected when you meet men for sex?
What did I mean when I said 'take a position'? If she says she accepts your need for sex with men without any concessions, I think I'd worry that she hasn't fully accepted it or thought it through. For myself, I knew that I needed my husband to respect and honor some 'conditions' that were important to me. I believe with all my heart that he has kept his word. (And the one time that he minorly fell short of the mark he told me)
I joined this site after he did (with my own screen name) for several reasons. I love my hubby and wanted to be a part of what interested him.....I love people and this site has a sense of community....I love the threads and chat for the insight that they have given me. I hope in time your wife will come to see this site in that very same light. (And please allow me to say without offending anyone--some of the threads are graphic. Be careful that she doesn't confuse bravado and fantasy with what you are looking for.
Good luck to you both! My inbox is always open if you should need anything...just drop a line!
~D~

[Josh214]

I had to register to answer this one, my wife came out to me about 2 years ago, and I'd say i pretty much accept it now, she can identify herself anyway she wants.

But, and this is a big but, when she signed up for the marriage thing we promised to be monogamous, and being bi doesnt change that.

I don't want an open marriage and she had to make the choice to stay or leave, thankfully she stayed. It's definitely opened up some new areas of kink for us though, and who knows, we might explore things together in the future

[Realist]

Josh, I learned long ago that if you want someone to come back to you, setting them free is the best thing to do. If your wife is like most bisexuals I know, they can easily love more than one person and still ensure you get your share.

I know it's a hard concept to accept, because everything we've learned is opposed to that theory. But, if you force anyone to hold off on satisfying their most severe desires, those desires become too compelling to resist.

Some can resist them, but their needs will fester and grow into serious obsessions. I know, I tried to suppress my own desires for many years. It never works. I felt such a huge urge to be with a man and ultimately it ruined 3 marriages.

Strange things is, I now have a girlfriend who accepts me with all of my flaws and allows me to be exactly who I need to be, I've lost most of the drive to be intimate with men! In the interim, I have discovered that having the freedom to do anything I wish...it has brought me closer to my GF and the desire to be with a guy is almost nil. Oh, if I meet someone and the feelings are mutual, I may interact with him. At least, I have the freedom to and can be up front and honest with my GF about it.

There's a book that I found helpful and it explains a lot of how women feel about their bisexuality and what she did about it. It made a lot of sense to me and I think it may help you, too. It's OPEN, by Jenny Block.

Just a thought.

If you really love each other, you can get through this and be better off for it. Good luck and keep an open mind.

[onewhocares]

Josh, I learned long ago that if you want someone to come back to you, setting them free is the best thing to do. If your wife is like most bisexuals I know, they can easily love more than one person and still ensure you get your share.

I know it's a hard concept to accept, because everything we've learned is opposed to that theory. But, if you force anyone to hold off on satisfying their most severe desires, those desires become too compelling to resist.

I must agree with Realist nearly word for word. I remember the exact day I said those words to myself. When the time came for my husband to revist having a man in his life, nearly 18 years since we had met, I was apprehensive. We had met a really nice man from this site and had both developed a friendship with him. As much as I enjoyed the fellow, I knew that it was very important for hubby to be with him alone for the first time. I recall looking out the upper story window in our home as he drove out the driveway heading for a morning rendezvous and wondering if I was watching him leave and perhaps making the worst mistake of my life. In the end, I came to the realization that I had to let him go. For it was what HE needed to do, for himself and ultimately for us. I had to believe that because I set him free, his commitment and desire would return him. Which I did.

Is it always going to be easy? NO...and if any one tells you that it is, they are fooling themselves. It will be a learning experience, one step at a time.

Belle

[Josh214]

Wait a minute, back up there.....

She made the decision to stay in the marriage, and monogamous is part of staying in the marriage.

Based on your logic we'd all be running around humping whatever we find attractive at the moment, I know that I personally find lots of women attractive, yet I keep faithful because I'm married and made a promise to do so.

[csrakate]

Josh,

You don't have to apologize for keeping things monogamous....many marriages between a bisexual and a straight person are that way..just as a marriage can be between two straight people or two same sex people. It is up to the couple to decide how they wish to maintain their relationship and there is no right or wrong as long as both members of the couple are agreeable to the arrangement. What many people fail to realize is that bisexuals are fully capable of maintaining a monogamous relationship and believing otherwise merely perpetuates the myth that bisexuals are out to fuck anything that moves, despite their availability.