How do we grieve...?

[rupertbare]

I'll start with these two qoutes from a song:
"The deeper I go
the darker it gets"
and
"I cry until I laugh"

As many of you know I am recently seperated from my wife, leaving my family home and two young children - people I have seen daily since we married over 15years ago. We are now to divorce, and although the relationship was one of emmotional abuse and control (and I can now, sadly, trace it back to our second wedding day reception - that's a lot to take onboard), but even with all of that - I do still love my wife - what she's done - it's all in her past - way back to childhood - and she's hurting - she's just projecting onto me what she feels about her self - and that is the rub - by reducing me to a speck of s*it on the bottom of her shoe I now know how she feel inside ALL of the time - and it stinks - it's hell and my baby, my wife is oh so hurting inside.

But these thoughts got me to wondering - how do we deal with grief.

I'm having people tell me that I'm "better off out of it".
and I grieve.
where do you put all of that love?
it's still there
and I can't express it
to the one that it's for
where do I put it?
and I grieve.
And my babies. I used to see them, hear them, speak to them, cuddle them, share with them EVERY day
where do I put that love?
And I grieve.
Oh dear friends how I grieve.

For a death to marriage and a death to to being able express my love to and for my poor damged wife.
Oh I do so grieve

And I not sure how to cope.

love and peace from London UK

Ron (Rupe)

[BiGeorge]

Rupe, sorry you're going through a tough time of it.

You, and others, may find the following two websites useful:
www.mensadviceline.org.uk
lots of pratical advice about access to your kids, housing rights, how the kids are being affected by al of this is etc, part of the UK Government's Home Office funding for the DVIP (Domestic Violence Intervention Project) which includes emmotional abuse and controlling relationships. This site only launched on the 14th Febraury 2006 but is a really brilliant resource for men in your posistion.
and the second one is:
www.broken-rainbow.org.uk
this is run by LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgenderd) wing of the DVIP. As your wife is using your being bi as an "excuse" and "outed" you (I saw you say that in another thread) to your family it is important to get more specialised advice. They can find support groups in London for you. May help on other issues. Phone line is manned by LGBT people and website is run by LGBT people.

Hope that helps you and maybe some-one else out there.

BiGeorge

[jo69guy]

Hey buddy. I feel for you more than you know. Grieving a relationship is worse than death of a loved one, as it really never ends. I have been through one or two that were really horrible, and again, I wish I was closer to offer even more support.

Always remember, tomorrow is another day, and things do get better with time. Most importantly, know that you have a lot of friends out here who love and care about you. Also, you have a wonderful daughter of whom I am fond already, and I don't even know her. Use your friends, and her for support right now, and know that things will get better.

As to your wife focusing all the problems on your sexuality, my ex-wife did the same thing. It really sucks, because she won't look at some of her own issues as a result. Things might have been different if she would have.

Take care........ :bipride:

[nubiwoman]

Hey Rupe buddy...

i hear what you say when you describe your overwhelming grief at so many losses, some you will be able to address to some extent and others which you are and will probably remain completely powerless over..

You know a little of my recent journey and of some of my own losses. Maybe if i reflect on what was and wasn't helpful for me, that may strike some chords with you?

My most powerful (and painful) realisation was that i wasnt God! I was just one human being.... and that as much as i desired to make things all ok in mine and my families life, i couldn't... that wasn't my perogative, that perogative belongs to a power greater than myself..

in my case this meant my relinquishing (attempted) control over my husband and the events in his life which were, and to this day still are, expressed through his largly covert emotional cruelty to me and my children..

my particular agenda with him was, if only i love him more and try to understand him more he will realise the pain he is causing and stop....
from recognising his abusive behaviours, to finally acknowledging that he doesnt change, NOT because i'm not loving him enough... but BECAUSE HE DOESNT WANT TO.... took me 12 years...

..it was only then i could begin to grieve what i had truly lost.... not some fantasy of a marriage that i had failed in...but my own lost innocence where i gave my all to someone who was tragicly incapable of receiving that all, that unconditional love...

this journey did nearly kill me, as my futile attempts to 'force insight' became more and more desperate.... i only survived when i eventually accepted what i couldnt change, another human being..... and what i did have power to change... the secrets and lies from the outside that ours was a normal happy marriage, nay more, the perfect family!

in summary, my relilquinishing stuff i had no power over to a power greater than myself permitted me the emotional space to grieve for my own losses such as shattered hopes, broken dreams etc...

Sorry this is so wordy Rupe, i cannot give you advice, i can can show you a snapshot of what helped me to manage my grief so it became a little more constructive and a little less overwhelming...

my favourite reminder to self containment is 'The Serenity Prayer'

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change
Courage to change the things i can....
...and the wisdom to tell the difference.

Amen

Julie x

[Qetesh]

I'm so sorry your having such a hard time. I use a quote as a signiture line a lot of the time and although it probably does really help it is sorta related to grief.

"Don't cry because its over; smile because it happened" - Unknown

Just though I'd share it with you all... its helped me through a lot of bad things...

Q xxx

[likalotapuss]

Depends on what I am greiving about.... I always cry, sometimes I yell, sometimes I wanna talk about it, and other times I just wanna be alone!! When I wanna be alone I usually write. I write a letter to who I am mad at.... or write poems. When I was little, I used to cut up paper into little bits....

[searchingbrian]

there is a good book about "grieving" in the context of death called: "On Death and Dying" by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. THis explains the many phases of grieving and is worthwhile reading, even in the context of non-death grieving!!!

[BiGeorge]

Rupe,

as you now state that you and your wife are to divorce, you and others may find the following website and help line of use:
www.divorceaid.co.uk
- it is run by a group of professional volunteers offering free "best practice" advice from the health and legal professions.
Has a separate section for children and a separate site for teenagers.
Children are at the heart of the philosophy behind the site.

Hope that helps.

BiGeorge.

[huneypot]

that old saying that we hate to hear when we are hurting so much
TIME WILL HEAL
but its true, except that dont take away the pain of RIGHT NOW...does it????
Coping is what i think u need to do, just cope from day to day.........as best u can.
Talk to ur friends, blow the head off them, this is when u need them most.
Express ur anger.....i got a boxing bag and by god did it help....dont bottle up the anger.......i even put a pic of the face of my ex on it, oops, but it helped.
The tears.......well my teddy got most of them.....i know ur a man but get a teddy, fuck it, who will know, cuddle it and hug it and cry into it....and yes i even talked to it.......but it helped.
Try not to have all thoses reminders suffocating u around the house, sure some are good, its not good to deny, but dont have shrines up mate, it will kill u....
Take some long walks to clear ur head , fresh air and peace in a nice place can help enormously.
And have an "emergancy button".....mine was a friend....and i pressed it when things got so bad i was scared what i would do...by god i pressed it.
Take it day by day......i refere to something we are both familiar with..when i say that...i think ull know what i mean....one day at a time...apply the skills u learned there to this, it will work.......and be pleased that that day was good or bad or just over and u got through it.
Treat urself....be good to urself....ur a great person and remind urself of that.
And get ur self some hugs, im sure proud daughter will supply plenty.
heres one for u
(((((((((((((((((((((((rupert))))))))))))))))))
i wish u the very very best my friend
i hope a fast healing process happens for u
and i hope that life brings u good things now
U deserve them
hugs n kisses from
Huney
xxx
xx
x

;)

[Mrs.F]

You've got some really great advice here Rupe. I really don't have anything to add to it. You know how I feel about you and you know I am here for you. Anytime you need a friend to vent...right here for you. :)

((((((((((((((((((((((((( Rupert ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I loved the part when Huney told you to get a teddy bear...that woman just makes me laugh...you need laughter my friend.

Take care my man and day by day we go!

Mrs.F :angel: :angel: :angel: :angel: :grouphug:

[rupertbare]

Well thankyou all for taking the time and trouble to reply - much good advice and kind thoughts.

But I just wanted to say - I have a teddy!!
Well actually it's monkey.
I was my youngest daughter's primary carer from the age of six months and one of my pet names for her was "cheeky little monkey" and for either Father's Day or a birthday a coupla years back she gave me a soft toy monkey wearing a T-shirt containing the legend "From daddy's cheeky monkey" and it's with now - even as I type this.

I have a whole collection (not with me at present - for obvious reasons) of soft toys like this that the kids have got for me over the years - not sure I'd buy one for myself - but love receiving them as gifts from those I love so dearly.

Love fom the UK

Rupe :)

[red_riding_hood_27]

Well grief is good then the healing can happen. I like to take a day or so. Sit around and watch really lovey dovy movies. Then my favorite thing is to eat a WHOLE bag of OREO's ....Nothing can cure the blues like a bag of those cookies. (lol) Maybe the sugar rush makes me feel better I don't know. Maybe they lace them with something.

Thanks for you support of me so I am lending my shoulder for you!!

Maybe time will heal the hurt you both feel. Maybe as time goes by she will see things in a different light. Each day you will get better then one day the darkness will be gone and the light will come into your heart.

Love
Angela

[cchalmer]

Well grief is good then the healing can happen. I like to take a day or so. Sit around and watch really lovey dovy movies. Then my favorite thing is to eat a WHOLE bag of OREO's ....Nothing can cure the blues like a bag of those cookies. (lol) Maybe the sugar rush makes me feel better I don't know. Maybe they lace them with something.


Red is so right.....we have to grieve before we can heal. Sometimes the process can be mercifully quick and other times it can take a long time. No matter which way it goes there is nothing than can speed the process up. You will grieve and heal in your own time. The wealth of friends that you have here and at home will certainly make the process a little more bearable. And make sure you tell your daughter how much what she is doing means to you. And I don't mean once or twice....tell her lots. She might think she's getting sick of hearing it but at the same time it will make her proud that she was able to be there and support papa in his time of need.

Now for the Oreos....lol. Don't know of any theraputic value to them other than mental but what the heck...whatever works right???

The only thing I know for sure Rupe is that one day you will not feel the pain. I wish I could tell you that come a certain day it will be over but I can't. You have to belief in yourself and your friends.

Take care of yourself.....first....last.... and always.....

[csrakate]

(((((((((((((((((Rupe)))))))))))))))))

I know how hard this must be for you...no..wait..I don't...and I shouldn't even begin to think that I know your pain. But I do know this...for me...whenever I am facing a situation that elicits feelings of grief, I have found that the best way for me to deal with it is to acknowledge it. In all honesty, I have found that to push it aside or to feign strength and pretend it is no big deal is nothing more than denial. It hurts like hell but that hurt is part of a very long process and I am afraid that only time will help you arrive at the place you need to be. But in the meantime...don't shove aside the wonderful memories but instead embrace them for what they brought to your life. Don't try to erase the hurt by attempting to move ahead too fast...it took years to develop these intense feelings and they won't go away overnight. It's ok to get angry and if you do...feel that anger, but don't lash out in anger as that only gives the one that hurt you more power over your life. But most importantly, don't isolate yourself and wallow in self pity and feelings of despair...use your friends for support, find shoulders to cry on, ears that will listen and arms that will hug. I think you already know that you have a lot of that offered right here with us and I hope you will continue to share your feelings with us no matter how bad they might be.

Like nubiwoman said, there comes a time when you have to turn certain things over to a higher power...whatever that may represent for you...and realize that you may very well not be able to change the course your life has taken. But that also comes with time. Don't rush it and don't fight it. This isn't going to be a quick journey, but know that you have a lot of love and support to help you along the way as you make that journey.

Best wishes and as always, we're here for you.

Hugs,
Kate

P.S. I have certain occurrences in my life that i refer to as my "Twilight Zone Moments"...moments that are so coincindental that I swear I hear the theme song to that television show playing in my head. This quote that Qetesh shared....I just read it this afternoon on a calendar that someone had hanging on their office wall at work and thought to myself that it was such a wonderful way to view things!!!



"Don't cry because its over; smile because it happened" - Unknown

[curious-curvy]

Hey. When I read your message I really felt for you . I am a therapist, and I work with children with emotional problems. I feel you are so in touch with how things really were, the fact that that you can understand about your wifes projections makes you about a million light years ahead from most....stick with it, be there for your kids, get the support you need and deserve.
Much love
Nat x :bipride: