peterpants
Aug 30, 2009, 5:23 PM
This is my story of my search to my sexual identity and hurting many people on it's way. (excuse me, English is not my native language)
First of all, to avoid confusions: I'm male :male:.
age 15-19: I masturbate to girls, I date girls, I fall in love with girls, I get rejected by girls, but I have a very low self-esteem and never get to the point having some kind of sexual experience with girls. Just some holding hands walking in the park, that's as far as got with girls, being a very shy guy.
age 19: I suddenly had this weird fantasy of me sneaking in my friends bedroom and going with my hand in his pyama pants, and that sort of stuff. One day I even had a slight erection while watching male body builders on tv.
All this stuff made me jump to the conclusion that I'm gay. I started dating other gays. My first sexual experience was with a much older guy, he first made me drink a bottle of wine, undressed me, jerked me off, and that was it. We did this a few times. He asked me if I wanted to go further, like going in the shower with him, but I was not really intrested. This relationship lasted one month or so.
Some time later, I met another guy, there was something special about him, he was a very confident guy, we ended up in his bed on our first date. I cried lying next to him after he jerked me off, still don't know why. He said he thinks he is going to fall in love with me. That was the first time in my live anyone said that to me. We kept seeing eachother, I felt like I wanted to be with him the rest of my life. I moved in with him after a year.
age 23: After 3 years he wanted to marry me, it would be the first gay marriage in our city. We decided to marry. He arranged everything, I just let myself go with the flow.
Our honeymoon... one week on a tropical island... we maybe had sex one or two times that week... It was a bit disappointing. My partner said it was because of this medication he was on, and also the stress. I thought also that that must be it.
The sex in the years that followed stayed a bit disappointing to me. It was either me or him jerking me off. Or him sucking me. Altough I wanted to "give", I could not do it, I did not like it, I was sometimes even disgusted, I just "received" and let myself go with the flow. He seemed to be ok with it and had his fun, so I thought it was ok.
age 25: 2 years later in our marriage, I fell in love with his younger sister. And I could not stop having sexual fantasies about his sister. And when his siter came over to our house and stayed for the night... my fantasies went totally crazy. Hell... I even smelled her underpants that were lying in our bathroom... I really liked it to have a girl around... sigh.
It was like a turning point for me. I'm not gay, because this is not the behaviour of a gay guy... I've never, ever masturbated on naked guy pictures/movies (or maybe once, just to check if I was able to do it), only on girls. So that is not really gay, right?
His sister got married and from then on my feelings for her somewhat cooled down.
age 28: 3 years later, after a lot of difficulties (mother-in-law died, our company went bankrupt), this year, (5 years married),
I got into contact with an old girlfriend (we met 10 years ago, just as friends).
We told our life stories to each other. We did meet each other a few times. We fell in love... Then I did the most stupid thing of my life... We had sex. For the first time of my life having sex with a girl. And I really much enjoyed it. And strangly enough, that was no surprise to me. I enjoyed every part of it, giving her oral, kissing her, giving hugs, it just all felt so right. I felt like I was a real man, I felt like I finally could be myself.
But the bad thing... I confessed to my partner and of course it really hurt him. But he did not want to leave me for it. He said it happened, but now we have to continue.
But I doubt myself if I am able to continue. I'm thinking I'm heterosexual, but kept it secret for many years. I've build this wall around me, so I can not feel in love with my partner anymore, because I don't feel it fits with my sexual identity.
I can not blame my partner for not trying to make it work... he even would let me go to a girl to have sex, as long as it's just for sex and then come back home with a happy face.
But I'm not sure if I want to live such a life.
I've got everyting I want in my same-sex marriage... we bought a nice big house together, we each got our hobbies and we do what we like to do.
And I've got the feeling it's all over now... just because I don't feel attracted to men anymore(so also my partner), but only to women :(
And it's not that I'm not comfortable with being gay, in the beginning of my marriage, I really was, I was very proud of it. But I can't anymore.
When I see a good looking girl, I turn my head and think "wow, nice body" - I didn't ever do that to a guy. When I see a straight couple on the street, holding hands, I think "that could have been me with my wife, if I was not married to a man"
I'm really becoming obsessed with it... I'm seeing a psycho-therapist for a year now, she basically says, follow your heart and get a divorce. But I don't want to loose my partner. I still feel like I can't live without him.
Me and my partner did not have sex for 7 months now. Partially because my partner is a bit disgusted of me cheating on him with a girl, partially because I don't want to have sex with men because I think it will confuse me even more. But did stop seeing that girlfriend, to avoid confusion and avoid hurting my partner.
I'm now trying to find the "real me" again... reading, walking on my own in the park, thinking,...
In parallel, I'm already looking for an appartment to start a new life. But I'm afraid still. There is still this hope that I see the light and become totally gay and let myself fall in love with my partner again. But this confusion is currently putting my marriage on hold and don't know for how long we can put it on hold, before it totally dies.
First of all, to avoid confusions: I'm male :male:.
age 15-19: I masturbate to girls, I date girls, I fall in love with girls, I get rejected by girls, but I have a very low self-esteem and never get to the point having some kind of sexual experience with girls. Just some holding hands walking in the park, that's as far as got with girls, being a very shy guy.
age 19: I suddenly had this weird fantasy of me sneaking in my friends bedroom and going with my hand in his pyama pants, and that sort of stuff. One day I even had a slight erection while watching male body builders on tv.
All this stuff made me jump to the conclusion that I'm gay. I started dating other gays. My first sexual experience was with a much older guy, he first made me drink a bottle of wine, undressed me, jerked me off, and that was it. We did this a few times. He asked me if I wanted to go further, like going in the shower with him, but I was not really intrested. This relationship lasted one month or so.
Some time later, I met another guy, there was something special about him, he was a very confident guy, we ended up in his bed on our first date. I cried lying next to him after he jerked me off, still don't know why. He said he thinks he is going to fall in love with me. That was the first time in my live anyone said that to me. We kept seeing eachother, I felt like I wanted to be with him the rest of my life. I moved in with him after a year.
age 23: After 3 years he wanted to marry me, it would be the first gay marriage in our city. We decided to marry. He arranged everything, I just let myself go with the flow.
Our honeymoon... one week on a tropical island... we maybe had sex one or two times that week... It was a bit disappointing. My partner said it was because of this medication he was on, and also the stress. I thought also that that must be it.
The sex in the years that followed stayed a bit disappointing to me. It was either me or him jerking me off. Or him sucking me. Altough I wanted to "give", I could not do it, I did not like it, I was sometimes even disgusted, I just "received" and let myself go with the flow. He seemed to be ok with it and had his fun, so I thought it was ok.
age 25: 2 years later in our marriage, I fell in love with his younger sister. And I could not stop having sexual fantasies about his sister. And when his siter came over to our house and stayed for the night... my fantasies went totally crazy. Hell... I even smelled her underpants that were lying in our bathroom... I really liked it to have a girl around... sigh.
It was like a turning point for me. I'm not gay, because this is not the behaviour of a gay guy... I've never, ever masturbated on naked guy pictures/movies (or maybe once, just to check if I was able to do it), only on girls. So that is not really gay, right?
His sister got married and from then on my feelings for her somewhat cooled down.
age 28: 3 years later, after a lot of difficulties (mother-in-law died, our company went bankrupt), this year, (5 years married),
I got into contact with an old girlfriend (we met 10 years ago, just as friends).
We told our life stories to each other. We did meet each other a few times. We fell in love... Then I did the most stupid thing of my life... We had sex. For the first time of my life having sex with a girl. And I really much enjoyed it. And strangly enough, that was no surprise to me. I enjoyed every part of it, giving her oral, kissing her, giving hugs, it just all felt so right. I felt like I was a real man, I felt like I finally could be myself.
But the bad thing... I confessed to my partner and of course it really hurt him. But he did not want to leave me for it. He said it happened, but now we have to continue.
But I doubt myself if I am able to continue. I'm thinking I'm heterosexual, but kept it secret for many years. I've build this wall around me, so I can not feel in love with my partner anymore, because I don't feel it fits with my sexual identity.
I can not blame my partner for not trying to make it work... he even would let me go to a girl to have sex, as long as it's just for sex and then come back home with a happy face.
But I'm not sure if I want to live such a life.
I've got everyting I want in my same-sex marriage... we bought a nice big house together, we each got our hobbies and we do what we like to do.
And I've got the feeling it's all over now... just because I don't feel attracted to men anymore(so also my partner), but only to women :(
And it's not that I'm not comfortable with being gay, in the beginning of my marriage, I really was, I was very proud of it. But I can't anymore.
When I see a good looking girl, I turn my head and think "wow, nice body" - I didn't ever do that to a guy. When I see a straight couple on the street, holding hands, I think "that could have been me with my wife, if I was not married to a man"
I'm really becoming obsessed with it... I'm seeing a psycho-therapist for a year now, she basically says, follow your heart and get a divorce. But I don't want to loose my partner. I still feel like I can't live without him.
Me and my partner did not have sex for 7 months now. Partially because my partner is a bit disgusted of me cheating on him with a girl, partially because I don't want to have sex with men because I think it will confuse me even more. But did stop seeing that girlfriend, to avoid confusion and avoid hurting my partner.
I'm now trying to find the "real me" again... reading, walking on my own in the park, thinking,...
In parallel, I'm already looking for an appartment to start a new life. But I'm afraid still. There is still this hope that I see the light and become totally gay and let myself fall in love with my partner again. But this confusion is currently putting my marriage on hold and don't know for how long we can put it on hold, before it totally dies.