Cherokee_Mountaincat
Aug 12, 2009, 11:49 PM
The language used is a bit smutty and/or course, but
'he tells it like it is' without
cursing.
If you don't laugh hysterically at this,...CHECK
YOUR PULSE...this is funny....and true.
This was sent by a retired
dentist.
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the
backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about
burglaries increasing dramatically in the
entire city. To make sure this never happened to
me, I got an electric fence and ran a single
wire along the top of the
fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made
for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long
ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the
ground. The ground rod is the
key, with the more you have in the ground, the
better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big
wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around
the wire and reached down to
grab it, to throw it out of the
way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after
all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is
about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow
ofire on the cover.
Time stood
still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front
side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the
lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like
there were minutes in between but in reality it
was so close together it was like exhaust pulses
from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds)
into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire
palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about
electric fences.....but Dad always had those
piece of shit chargers made by International or
whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda
tickled.This one I could
not let go of.
The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm
thinking I'm going to have to just man up and
take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think,
as I remember I just filled the
tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a
loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big
lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with
my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze
die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough
lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a
big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go
command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity,
standing in my own backyard, begging
God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....he left me there
covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery
my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the
wire...I woke up laying on
the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside
me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been
standing, and then another long skinny dead spot
where the wire had laid
while I was on the ground still holding on to
it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had
somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my
electrically induced sleep I realized a few
things:
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have
cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right
butt cheek (not the left, just the
right).
3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as
bad as you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot
long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while
thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand
this???).
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.
I appreciate the little things more, and now I
always triple check to make sure the fence is
unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is
that if a burglar does try to come over the
fence, I can clearly visualize what my security
system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm
and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I
mow.
:bigrin:
'he tells it like it is' without
cursing.
If you don't laugh hysterically at this,...CHECK
YOUR PULSE...this is funny....and true.
This was sent by a retired
dentist.
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the
backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about
burglaries increasing dramatically in the
entire city. To make sure this never happened to
me, I got an electric fence and ran a single
wire along the top of the
fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made
for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long
ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the
ground. The ground rod is the
key, with the more you have in the ground, the
better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big
wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around
the wire and reached down to
grab it, to throw it out of the
way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after
all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is
about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow
ofire on the cover.
Time stood
still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front
side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the
lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like
there were minutes in between but in reality it
was so close together it was like exhaust pulses
from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds)
into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire
palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about
electric fences.....but Dad always had those
piece of shit chargers made by International or
whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda
tickled.This one I could
not let go of.
The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm
thinking I'm going to have to just man up and
take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think,
as I remember I just filled the
tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a
loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big
lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with
my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze
die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough
lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a
big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go
command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity,
standing in my own backyard, begging
God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....he left me there
covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery
my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the
wire...I woke up laying on
the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside
me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been
standing, and then another long skinny dead spot
where the wire had laid
while I was on the ground still holding on to
it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had
somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my
electrically induced sleep I realized a few
things:
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have
cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right
butt cheek (not the left, just the
right).
3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as
bad as you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot
long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while
thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand
this???).
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.
I appreciate the little things more, and now I
always triple check to make sure the fence is
unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is
that if a burglar does try to come over the
fence, I can clearly visualize what my security
system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm
and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I
mow.
:bigrin: