Touching base

[void()]

Had an appointment yesterday with a psychologist and the VADRS case worker. The psychologist managed to dig right on in. It was an odd experience. I have more than enough of a share in psychology, normal, abnormal or what have you. But the thing with me is that I don't have papers on the wall, don't want them either. I got my psychology literally at times on the business end of a gun being directed into my face. Or I got it from a boot to the ribs, fist to the kidneys, sternum.

Hard knocks from dealing with someone, who was so strung out 95% of the time they could have used him to jump start a Mack truck, will get you a quick on your feet degree. And by strung out I mean white crosses (speed, crank), booze, more booze, and more booze to wash down more crosses. Apologies to lots of you really loving, caring decent guys that are truck drivers, this is how I got see truckers from age five until about age twenty or so. I might be a bit 'edgy' round truckers, gun shy? Can we say understatement? <weary grin>

So this psychologist found me standing at a gate, on guard. He asked if I had ever seriously felt like killing anyone. He wasn't concerned with the general run of the mill "oh damn, i wanna kill that idiot!" Nah, he wanted to go after the ones you lay awake at night planning out. "Ever feel like killing your stepfather?" ----

I couldn't answer for a bit, which was all the answer he needed. And that's where I stood guard. See, unlike most folks who aren't really sure they could or couldn't kill, I know. That sometimes scares me, real bad. I hold the gate shut.

Imagine my surprise to hear "you can step away, let the monster out, in fact I bet the monster will cease to be if you let go of the gate." And the odd part, he kept nudging me to Feel, not Think. "Um, erm ... feeling isn't good for me buddy. Didn't ya see the big sign --- Anger Management Issues, Antisocial, Highly Intelligent, Former Drug Use, Prone to Suicidal Thoughts (sometimes actions according to some) ???" But he wanted me feeling.

Not sure how to do it yet. That's where I have been lately, and trying to get by like everyone else. Well, I better scoot 'long run 'er slow.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

He's right Darlin. Sometimes we all have to drag our demons out into the light and watch em shrivel up and die. If we dont, they just dwell in the dark causing more hurt and confusion and inner turmoil. Maybe his suggestion is a valid one. Time to let go of the past, let go of the gate, or drag those damn demons out by the tail, kicking and screaming..lol I know in the last few years I've dispelled enough demons to form my own army, and you dont know how good it was to finally be shed of 'em!
You make what choice is right for you Sugar, then proceed from there. ;)
Peck to your furry cheek. :cool:
Cat

[twisted sister]

listen to cat she's right , i know it's hard to let go, but if you don't you can't move forward. there is still one person out there , that given a private place and a couple of skinning knives i'de happily eviscerate. moving on meant letting go and looking my own demons in the eye. still want to give buddy what he deserves, i just don't have to anymore. gave me such a sense of peace to realize that i was entitled to my anger, but i could control how it affected my life. wish i could be of more help. just wanted to let you know there are lots of us out there wrestling with our demons.

[void()]

Cat,

Yep. That's where I am and what I'm doing. Got to move forward because I'm tired of losing jobs, depression, feeling the crap push loved ones away. It was nice to realize I am valued, and can take control. Been hiding and keeping a monster at bay far too long. My wife told me yesterday. "You don't need the monster any more, bout time you woke up, huh?"

So, yeah I'm moving forward. :) It might be a little tough at times, but worth it. :)

[twisted sister]

deep in it's meditations the void felt a bump. must be that writer king, no it's the other one. no longer wholly indifferent the void waits for completion.

[littlerayofsunshine]

Void,

I just want to say, that It pleases me that you are at the point that you are now. Its not an easy feat, that more will applaud than actually understand. But I know how huge a step this is. I wish you further success. You are a brave man, worthy of good things, some of us it takes more effort than most, but the rewards are worth it. Good work. Ya did good and your spirit tells, it can keep on keepin on.

[void()]

I could blame it on elian. That isn't exactly correct, though. Sure he's helped and nudged. But I'm doing this for others, and myself. Elian and my wife are bot patient souls. So glad to have them in life.

Whew. Lots of fog on the windows, or it's raining. Yeah sure right. Too early for tears, even happy ones. :)

[elian]

Since I only have five minutes to write before I have to leave for work I'll only say - There's no shame in removing splinters from paws. Cry if you have to, get angry if you have to - but not with the direct intention of ripping yourself (or others) to shreds - do it with the intention of making yourself a whole, healthy individual. The people around you who truly love you can stand a little emotional discomfort if they know in the end you will be a healthier person - just be mindful that some words once you say, can never be taken back..those words are best to say in therapy or in a group session mediated by others.

[void()]

Let me open the circle, again.

"So far, so good, so what?"

I can now drive a forklift and have a permit to do so. Working as an inland longshoreman without the correct pay rate, lagging below it by about $10 hourly.

*sigh*

And I'm worried about the noggin. At times I sense a presence just outside of view, look and no one is there. Hate to think or admit paranoia but it is what it will be. Then of course, our dear old friend depression, rage keep haunting. There are times when the 'stop the bus, Gus' technique works, times it doesn't. I wind up taking my 'stupid pills' just to get by.Wish I understood what caused all this, makes me bonking nuts. I need a target, not something that keeps dodging a grasp either.

Don't like taking stupid pills and feeling stupid, just to cope. Been told the next step is allegedly heavy metals, as in lithium or something. Don't want that either because it would likely put me out of work. And if I can not work, the wife has made it clear she'll leave. Don't blame her.

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired, and not having any real footing as to why, or how to better help myself, get better. The docs tell me "oh it's natural, .. everyone has this sometimes", and that's where I get lost. I have it all the time it seems.

I won't lie, I get bored with work. Then I get frustrated because I start seeing what I think are better ways. Then I realize nothing changes, no matter how much you dress it up to appease a lunatic. And it all becomes a mush up of same day, same shit. Can't even tell the days apart, don't worry over the date, time. I just work, a simple machine doing simple crap.

"Where is the fun?"

Unaffordable. And what little we do eek out is all well and good but it's less filling each day.

I dunno, just lost on this damned sea of madness.

Shiny Man,

I understand what you are saying about words that aren't take back types. This is why there are lots of big gaps where I do not say anything to you or C. I struggle because of knowing you guys get tired as well. I appreciate and love you both for 'putting up with me'. I earnestly do with all that I am.

But it is also very hurting to me to be unable to speak with you two, or to feel I can not. And even though there may in fact be portions I can discuss with you two, there are equal portions I can't. And it has nothing to do with feeling like a broken record. There are just some things people in my caste don't bring up over polite dinner conversation, or ever.

And some of those are as you point out, sorts of things which can't be taken back. Some are mild and can be discussed but others aren't. Believe me, would love to be able to 'let go' with you guys. But so doing would destroy all.

And tired of only having the listening and hmming type of friends you pay out the ass for. Shrinks can't or won't help. I get it dumped back in my lap. Yes, to a degree I do need to choose a different view. But how? How can you when it all stays the same ultimately? I try seeing it differently, but it keeps going back to being a spade the same. So how can you alter what you can't?

[DuckiesDarling]

Void, part of me wants to give you a big hug, but that's not what you need now. Gonna send you a mail in a sec, hope it can help you.

[void()]

Thanks for the kindness and good words. I genuinely despise being like this. Things pile up for me. Then, I get all fussy and full of crap. Many tell me to 'let go' of things. Good advice, I do try using it, too. But somehow there's a disconnect and stuff keeps piling.

Probably not helpful being what they deemed a type A personality years ago, the ones who go and do. If you're a Rolling Stones fan you get it in the line ... "start me up!" Of course, the Stones also _Paint it Black_. Ah, I'm too balanced, that must be it. "Gotta be the shoes."

Damn radio needs adjusting. Cattle prod anyone? "If you go insane, can I have your room?"

Bah humbug. I'll get through, have to, always do.

[darkeyes]

Thanks for the kindness and good words. I genuinely despise being like this. Things pile up for me. Then, I get all fussy and full of crap. Many tell me to 'let go' of things. Good advice, I do try using it, too. But somehow there's a disconnect and stuff keeps piling.

Probably not helpful being what they deemed a type A personality years ago, the ones who go and do. If you're a Rolling Stones fan you get it in the line ... "start me up!" Of course, the Stones also _Paint it Black_. Ah, I'm too balanced, that must be it. "Gotta be the shoes."

Damn radio needs adjusting. Cattle prod anyone? "If you go insane, can I have your room?"

Bah humbug. I'll get through, have to, always do.

*hugs Voidie*

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

At least you have us to vent to, Babe. Like I said a long time ago, drag those Demons out and let em die off. They are nothing but useless baggage, and the past is just that....that's why its called the past...because it already Has.
You'll be fine Honey. Just dont stop talking and letting things out. And dont stop talking to your Pysch, either.
Big hugs Babydoll. And Ki says Hi. :}
Cat