Family Matters

[MelissaMaven]

This may have been asked before, before I arrived and all, but recent events have brought it to my own attention, so I thought I'd bring it up. It's kind of a three part question, actually:

1. Does your family know of your sexual status/orientation? That can include parents, siblings, spouse, etc. Friends too I suppose if they were very close before finding out.

2. If they know, how did they take it when they found out/you told them?

3. Again, assuming they know, are they accepting of that now? Did it improve over time?


Personally, I never told my parents of any sort of gay or bi inclinations. It just wasn't something you talked about. I guess I just kind of figured that certain tastes, actions, behaviors, etc, of mine might clue them in over the years. I honestly don't have any idea what they thought in that regard, though.

I do know however how they reacted when I told them that I intended to undergo the transition to where I am now. Particularly when they realized that it wasn't a "can I do it" or "do I have your blessing" sort of discussion, but a "it's going to happen" thing. They weren't thrilled, to say the least, as I've mentioned to some of you guys already when the topic came up.

But anyway, the reason it's suddenly on my mind is that I spontaneously got a call from my mom today. While I was at work, even. That was surprise enough, considering my parents rarely call. Once or twice a year maybe, and even then only my mom. But the kicker is that she wants to visit. Which I assume includes my dad as well.

The reason this is a shocker is that they've never visited me. Not after that whole bombshell I dropped on them. That's been about 7 years or so now. Apparently it bothered my mom that I didn't tell her when I hurt my ankle and all a few weeks ago, which she found out from someone else (no idea how yet). I probably would have told her eventually, in the event of a phone call or the equally rare instance of seeing her in person. But regardless, it bothered her enough to give me the whole "what else haven't you told me" thing. More out of concern than nagging though it seemed, to be fair.

So yeah. Now I don't even know what to think. Honestly I feel a bit embarrassed at the notion of having people who are practically strangers now to come gawk at me and my things and my home. It's not that I don't care about them, and I certainly know that most of this is just as much (if not more so) my fault as theirs, but that doesn't make it any less incredibly uncomfortable.

I guess the point is that I have no idea what will happen, no idea if their attitudes have really changed, no idea if they intend to make this a regular thing, or any of that. I'm not foolish enough to think that everything will magically fix. But maybe if I don't die of anxiety or embarrassment, it will smooth things out.

I guess on the bright side, my ankle is doing better enough to run away now if necessary. lol.


But enough of my blabbing. What's your story?

[DiamondDog]

1. Yes. I know that my mom knew about me long before I knew what it meant to be something other than heterosexual as far as sexual orientation or sexual preference goes.

2. They are fine with it and love me as a person and as their relative or friend, in the case of friendships with peopel who are not related to me biologically.

3. See above.

[MarieDelta]

Parents- what can I say?

I told my parents a few years ago. Either they dont "get it" or dont want to.
At first my Dad called me everyday for a week. Mom, she didnt talk to me for three months.

I dont "push" it into their faces. I just dont see the point in it. They are older and well what would it serve?

I figure either they understand that I'm bisexual or they dont.

It is funny, they dont seem to understand the difference between gay male and transexual woman.

I dont know, I hope you have better luck with your family, Melissa.

[texasman6172003]

Hi Melissa,Well in my situation all you have too do is read my profile. It say's it all.And it goes for both sides of the family..:rolleyes:

[M. Wolfe]

My friends know, my mum knows, my father knows, my brother does not know.

My friends after a bit of 'I-don't-know-what-to-say' blanking out were fine with it, if anything it was an "Ah that makes sense." moment for them.

Dad has stopped talking to me and mum sees it as a non-issue.

[bimwmdecatur]

Well I guess I am the odd man out. No one knows, other than the few that I have had the opportunity to be with.

My family would freak out and go ballistic, that includes everyone of them.

Hope others have better stories to relate.

Good luck on your visit, but I would guess that if they wanted to come to see you that maybe, just maybe, they have accepted the fact and want to be a part of your life. Hoping so for you.

[artsy girl]

personally ... my mom has no idea.. told my dad a few months ago.. he was fine.. but the conversation never came up again.

Two of my friends at work know.. and a couple other close friends i told within this last year.

My closest friends wanted to know all the details.. and had no idea (or didn't tell me they did) i was bi.

One of my gay friends told me when he came out to his mom .. she made it a mission to fix him.. like something was wrong with him.

Being a parent myself.. I think it makes perfect sence.. parents overreact at times. They either want to sit and figure it our in their own minds.. or try and figure out why they didn't know sooner. I had a friend who's daughter came out to her( she was lesbian) and she was quite accepting.. but it was still hard to accept. Her daughter was 15 when she came out.

anyways i'm just blabbing.. married artsy girl:tongue:

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

[B][**Personally, I never told my parents of any sort of gay or bi inclinations. It just wasn't something you talked about.**
Same here Babygirl. There are certain things about my sex life that my kids Dont need to know. I dont ask about theirs, they dont need to know mine. :}
All of my friends up here(Wash state) are Lifestylers, so yes, they know. They accept me for who I am, my biological family would not. And my Ex barely knew of my Hetro sex life, let alone me having a Bi-sexlife..lol
Hugs Honey. You just be you and go from there :}
Cat /B]

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Ok, so compermise. Tell them you'll meet them halfway. ;) Meet at a nice hotel somewhere and have a great time going out or sight-seeing or take in a movie. Bottom line is, be on neutral ground if you wish. That way they arent in your home, unless you wish them there of course, and you dont have to explain a thing. :}
Good luck either way you go Sweetie.
Cat:}

[Doggiestyle]

Well Melissa I guess that the anxiety is about to wear you out now, huh? :rolleyes: My mom & dad never knew about the real me, they are both gone now. They are part of the reason why I spent my life in the closet. My dad really hated queers, as he would call them. If anything happened to come up about the gay folks, he would just go off his rocker and say something like "they should put em all on a island and nuke em" But then again, it didn't take much to get him to go off, he was good at it. My brothers and I feared him. Anyway, another reason why I remain in the closet is cause I work in the "mechanical trades" with a lot of redneck guys that condemn / make sport of the gay folks. I have to work with these guys and if they really found out the real me, then It would definitely put me at a disadvantage. Fortunately I live in a big enough town that I can get away with "playing around" and not be discovered. And thats why I like to go to Atlanta, I can really let it all hang out there and get away with it. Sometimes I do feel like tellin th world that I am a both ways Bi, but I usually get over that. I am really comfortable with it that way. So, I wonder what all the folks at this site think? Would everbody condemn me for doin what they call "livin a lie"??????? I am shure that we will all agree to the fact that we were all born the way that we are, and that we all realized that we had feelings or attractions towards the same sex at a early age! Or at least thats the way it was with me. Actually I grew up at a time when bein gay (or anything like that) was a ultimate sin according to the religious people and that our parents were programed by religion & society to be everything but accepting to such a life. Lets face it folks, the religious society has been a pain in the gay folks ass for a long time. They have done a lot of damage to our way of life for a long time. I am really glad that their influence is finally gettin drowned out nowdays, and i'me glad of that.

Oh well gotta go, type at ya all later. Your friend, :doggie: ............:bipride:

[niftyshellshock]

1. Does your family know of your sexual status/orientation? That can include parents, siblings, spouse, etc. Friends too I suppose if they were very close before finding out.

I'm not sure, actually. I think they either completely ignore it or know and don't really care. Only close friends (all female) know, and I told them.

2. If they know, how did they take it when they found out/you told them?

Surprised disbelief.

3. Again, assuming they know, are they accepting of that now? Did it improve over time?

They accepted it, nothing changed at all. I consider myself fortunate.

[Bi-Zarro]

My family doesn't know and I don't intend to tell them.

[MelissaMaven]

Sounds like it's a bit of a mixed bag with some folks in terms of family, but generally leaning towards the "don't know" side. Seems to be kind of the same with friends I have outside the internet too, though this is the south and all so I wanted to get a broader picture. I still wonder if it's more in terms of preconceptions they have of who their child/spouse/etc is supposed to be, or just from general preconceptions of someone being gay/bi. But I'll leave that one for someone much smarter to figure out.

Anyway, after talking to my mom again when not busy at work this time (two days in a row, that's a record), apparently they wanted to come by this weekend. A logical person would have probably assumed that that's what they meant initially, since they don't live far and all. But I guess I was living in the "I don't have to worry about it just yet" world. It was a nice place. :rolleyes:

I did however think that was good advice, Cat, about a neutral location. I suggested we could just go out and eat or something if they wanted, emphasizing that it was up to them so that I didn't seem particularly unwilling to invite them over or anything. But apparently that's "not necessary" and they're "fine with coming over".

So they're coming over tomorrow morning or afternoon. :eek: Guess my Friday night will be spent cleaning up!

[JoshuaGlynn]

My folks have no clue... and it will most likely stay that way.

For me it is the whole religious angle...

If I were gay, I might have a bit of a leg to stand on... "Hey I was born this way and don't find girls the least bit interesting"

However... being bi is a bit more complicated. "hey mom, dad, I'm Bi..."
"That means you like girls and boys right?" "well yea" "good then you know the one to pick!"

As much as they would see it as a sin to be gay... they would see it as even more of a sin that I had a choice and choose to be with a guy...

Catch 22..

Josh

[M. Wolfe]

As much as they would see it as a sin to be gay... they would see it as even more of a sin that I had a choice and choose to be with a guy...

I think this may be what has happened with my dad and why he's not talking to me anymore. I don't regret it. If he cannot accept me and my excentricities, then he's no use as a dad.

[-Dyva-]

Hope it goes well with the folks, Melissa! If they've decided they want to see you, that's a good sign, right?

To answer your questions: I'm out to everyone, including my parents. Have been since I was a teenager. It's a good place to be if you can, mentally healthy and all that. I feel for you folks who can't be open with your families.

My parents are OK with who and what I am, though ten years ago they said it was a phase, and even now they still think I'm confused (but that's OK). When I tried to talk to my dad about Pride, he told me, "You did a strange thing. You do a lot of strange things."

It's much better than "the wrath of God will rain upon you", but it's not perfect.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Good luck on come what may, Sweetie. Just be you and believe in all that you do, and you'll be great. :}
Hugzz
Cat

[Tom P]

Melissa
I am transgender and Bi

My family does not know I am transgender except for my wife.
She accepts it but does not know my true feelings about being transgender.

I am also Bi which no one knows about.

I wish I was true to myself growing up and let everyone know who I was. It would have eliminated a lot of depression and sadnees.

I recommend being true to yourself and tell your parents if you can.

[MelissaMaven]

The website wasn't wanting to work earlier so I guess my response didn't either. So I'll give the "in a nutshell" version.

Basically, yesterday was the big day, and it was pretty much as awkward as I expected! They came by around noon (later than planned but my dad had had an unexpected work thing), we talked for a bit (sort of), then went out to do lunch (with them getting here late working out for the best since it shortened the initial awkward talk time). We walked around downtown a bit afterward, which was nice, until eventually coming back here to talk more and look at photos. Showed'em around my place and such. Eventually we went for dinner too. Afterward we pretty much called it a night and headed back. They walked me to my building, with awkward hugs and mentionings of doing it again, except maybe at their home next time.

I think the only really comfortable moment was just out walking around after lunch, since one didn't have to say much to enjoy the weather (which was finally nice yesterday). The least comfortable was my dad making a bit of a disapproving comment at one point during the photos thing, but I don't think he was trying to be a jerk or anything. My mom cut him short anyway before he could finish. He's just always been one to speak his mind, I suppose. He doesn't even have to approve for all I care, as long as it doesn't mean another several years of no talking.

Anyway, overall I'd say it went alright. No better than expected but certainly not worse. Cause it could have definitely gone worse!

As for whether it will ever be comfortable being around them again, I have no clue. But I suppose we'll have a better idea whenever "act two" takes place. I'd much rather be at their place than them at mine anyway. But I'm glad that it happened, even if uncomfortable most of the time.


Oh, and thanks to everyone who offered good wishes and luck! I think it must have worked. lol

[_Joe_]

You know, there's always the option to just not tell someone your secrets. But damn, not an option when you're a transgender now is it.

Good luck Melissa.

[littlerayofsunshine]

You are a strong woman. We all know you love you parents very much. We know how much better it is to love yourself and being confident in who you are.
Yeah it was awkward. But your mom took a stand for you today, which is good. Sounds like you both made a good and honest effort as best as you all could. I pray that it continues on an up and up. The first step has been taken, You have shown you are a wonderful self sufficient woman. What every parent wishes their daughter to be. Take time to be proud of yourself. Ya did good hun.

[NJ Mac]

Melissa,

I'm glad things went OK with your parents. Maybe it will be a matter of things becoming less awkward over time, rather than ideal. It's sad that this is better than what most people get from their families, sad to say you are lucky compared to others. Anyway we all have our own experience with this stuff, and everyone's experience is valid.

As for me, to answer the original three questions:

1. Does your family know of your sexual status/orientation? That can include parents, siblings, spouse, etc. Friends too I suppose if they were very close before finding out.

I've told my closest siblings and friends, and the occasional stranger. Not my parents though -- they are old, both getting foggy etc. In my family you can't discuss the weather without starting an argument/shoutfest/brawl. Sex and sexuality? Forget it. I think at this point if I told my mom I'm bi her eyes would glaze over and she'd launch into a fast- and rosary-a-thon. Then she'd need a CT scan, and a nap. And possibly some whiskey.

2. If they know, how did they take it when they found out/you told them?

Everyone has been just great about it.

3. Again, assuming they know, are they accepting of that now? Did it improve over time?

They were accepting right away. The funny thing was, not only did I get a "no shit" reaction from my siblings and friends, a couple of them (friends) told me they are also bi. I was sort of surprised, but not shocked. I guess I gravitate to people like me -- the offbeat, the slightly weird, the non-standard, anti-status quo type. You know?

I should say that I was conscious of telling those family members/friends who I assumed would be understanding. The more clueless and contentious and judgmental types, I have not told. It was a pretty useful exercise. I have come to realize that those I didn't tell are not people I really want to spend a lot of time with anyway, so their opinion of me is not really all that relevant.

Bi for now Ms Melissa.

Mac

[NJ Mac]

Oh and I told my wife too, before we were married. She said she was OK about it but I found out that she really wasn't OK. In many ways. Too many.

[void()]

1. Does your family know of your sexual status/orientation? That can include parents, siblings, spouse, etc. Friends too I suppose if they were very close before finding out.

My mom knows. She would prefer I keep it really quiet for lots of reasons. She accepts me as I am. Funny thing, she's also seeing a guy who is bisexual, now.

My wife knows, and knew prior to getting married. Well, she married me anyway. She's very accepting and understanding.

My boyfriend knows. And he is very much alike with my wife. They are both my angels, if atheist / heathen can be allowed angels. :) Love them greatly. It feels like I have a husband and wife.

I had a lifelong friend who did not know, until I said it out loud to his face. His wife at the time laughed. "I knew in five minutes of knowing him. And he didn't have to tell me." My friend was just one of those extremely dense types. We've since drifted apart. Don't think it had to do with me being bi, though. Just how life goes.

2. If they know, how did they take it when they found out/you told them?

Most of them pretty well. The friend was dumbfounded and surprised.

3. Again, assuming they know, are they accepting of that now? Did it improve over time?

See above.

[_Joe_]

Doh. I gave you good luck and didn't look down to see it was over. I'm such a boob.