How am I feeling?

[Qetesh]

Hey guys, this is going to be a strange question. How do I know if I'm really ok with hubby being bi? I've been worrying about it for some time since hubby mentioned that he was worried that I was in shock or denial or something... this is possible, i have a history of bottling things up leading to stress and depression :rolleyes: . I honestly dont have any negative emotions about him being bi (admittedly I was down about not being able to talk about it.. but then I found you :bigrin: ). The few people I've spoken to on the net (or just articles I've read) all say I must have been really upset... I wasnt, why would I be :confused: ? Ok I was upset and shocked when I found out but by the time I talked to hubby and he came out I was fine - I was more upset about HOW I found out not that I actually found out if you see what I mean. Then I come here and hear how some peoples spouses just cant/havent coped well with being in a mixed orientation marriage (which I am very sorry for those people btw) and its just making me wonder, am i weird or supressing my true feelings? I've always been open minded but even hubby said he didnt think I'd be this open minded but then again he was in shock that I didnt pack my bags and run away screaming :tong: !!!!
Has anyone else felt this way, could I be bottling it all up, waiting to explode one day. I really dont want to do that, its not fair on anyone!
Thanks for any input :)
Q x

[scubaman]

Hey Q,
People will react differently. My wife was fine with it and we even joke about it. You have to feel what is in your heart, not what "read" that you should have been upset. You and your hubby are in the relationship and you should have some set rules on what you will accept and will not accept and he should honor your requests, and that stands true both ways. There are some who are totally against the fact their spouse if bi. That is what makes the world go round, difference of opinion. Mine, I like both!!!!!!!!! Basically, be you - nobody else. Good luck
:2cents:

[PeterH]

Hi Qetesh,

You don't sound like someone who's going to explode anytime soon. I actually have some experience with exploding and the symptoms of that are: ignoring problems, not talking about them, isolating oneself,... I think you're doing the opposite: you do the address the situation. you ask a very good question and I'm glad that you feel free to ask it on this site.

I think in the end the only person who can tell how you feel is you.
If you're fine with your hubby being bi, then I suppose... you're fine with it.
Overall I think you'd probably find it more important what he does, rather than how he feels. Weren't you more upset about how you find out than with the finding out itself. So weren't you upset with what your husband did, rather than what he felt? Having read some other posts by partners, I think that's very common.
So how to stay happy with the situation?
It is my impression that anyone who gets married does so based on certain assumptions and rules. These assumptions and rules are sometimes talked about and sometimes not. For many things, 'it goes without saying that...' . I would say that both partners being straight is one of these 'hidden' assumptions. I don't think that, before they get married, many people ask their partners 'BTW, you're not bi, are you?' And reversely, people who are bi often find out after they're married. I found out when I was in my first serious relationship. Before that I'd always assumed I was straight, since I liked girls, so I couldn't possibly like men as well, could I?
So I'd say: how do you want to feel? With which rules would you continue to feel comfortable in your marriage. What behaviours of your husband do you feel comfortable with, which are no-go?
Obviously, him being open is one of the 'rules'. You may want to discuss these issues, the assumptions and rules, with your husband. I think doing that is probably the best way for you to stay comfortable with you husband being bi.
I wish you all the best with your marriage,

Peter

[Mrs.F]

Personally, I think you are dealing with this fine and dandy. Your talking openly about it and asking questions and your on here to talk to others like your husband. That says right there that you are doing well. Don't worry about what you read or how some say you should be acting. You know how you feel and let it be at that.

I too, was more upset at how I found out he was bisexual than him actually being bisexual. I won't deny the fact that it was shocking and had me upset. But that all calmed down once the initial shock wore off. There was alot to his life before me that I never knew and here for 10 yrs. of marriage I thought I knew everything about him. I get asked alot also if I was upset. And my answer is "yes". Only because this is a huge part of who he is and I feel bad that he felt he could not share that part with me when we met. I think I'm dealing pretty well with all of it given the situation. :rolleyes: We are just dealing with things day by day and making sure we are talking to each other.

So, I guess I would not worry about it and take things day by day. :)

Mrs.F

[innaminka]

Why should you run away screaming?
Your husband is the same person he was yesterday, and the day before. He hasn't changed.
His self awareness may have been expanded, but what he is, is what he's always been. (At least that's the current scientific thinking.)
Maybe he was almost hoping that you would "run and scream" - possibly to either assuage some of the doubts he has about his own worth, and to possibly release him from a larger, looming problem that he hasn't properly confronted.
ie How is he going to manage a marriage and explore his bi-ness with other men???
How you cope with his revelation is a personal one. There is no manual on correct responses.
You obviously treasure your marriage and family - how you go about this is something the two of you must (repeat MUST) clarify.
PeterH suggested rules - that's up to you and him. Just give him and yourself time.
As to your "blowing up" about it. Anger is fine. Its expected. Release it. Don't put away where it will fester and cause rot from the inside.

Personally, my husband was initially shattered when I came out to him. Being male, he subconsciously let himself suffer from bruised ego.
It took time, we talked it through. (We'd both had an "affair" previously, so we were neither lilly-white pure) and really the issue has died for us.
He doesn't ask, I don't tell. Nothing!
I just make sure that I don't let any of my encounters intrude IN ANY WAY into our married life.
It seems to work - actually it does work. It took some years, but I think as a family we've never been so solid. (Oh and the sex with him is better than ever!)

[Qetesh]

Thanks everyone, I feel a bit better now! Innaminka, I dont know why I'd run away creaming, thats just what he' thought'd happen when he told me... he was absolutely terrified (understandable I guess).
We've already set some rules (although guidelines would be a better word) which suit both of us!
Mrs F I know what you mean about it being upsetting that they couldnt tell us.. but on the other hand my hubby hadnt even admitted to himself so its not as if he was going out of his way to hide it from me - he just wanted to hide it full stop!
Again thank you all for the advice, it means a lot to me!
Q x

[Mrs.F]

I'm glad everything is working out for you and hubby. That's great! :)

My husband had known he was bi for awhile atleast. He had joined this site and was coming here frequently for atleast 6 months prior to my knowing. I am not mad that he was afraid to tell me.. I understand his fears..I just feel bad that he felt he couldn't ever tell me..You know what I mean!? :rolleyes: But beyond that now and doing well. So, I'm glad that all is working out for you and glad that everyone could help you.

Take care..Mrs.F