Now Im Confused [Archive]

huneypot

Feb 14, 2006, 8:10 PM

I was responding to a thread and while writing my thoughts I got myself a lill confused about my feelings ermm well maybe not feelings, i dont know the right word to describe it, I just live my life the way I do and as long as I do my best not to hurt anyone I feel ok with my lifestyle, but I would appreciate peoples opinions on the following................

I concider myself bisexual although I like the term biamorous, however I am 90% attracted to the same sex and mainly have relationships with women and sexual encounters with men.
My Heart could only truly belong to a women
So im a strange kind of "bi" I suppose, I dunno????????????????
I concidered myself lesbian for many years but then had a relationship with a man so had to reconcider my identity which was very difficult for me as it was bloody hard enuff to come out as a lesbian.
The relationship with the man lasted 3 years and we still are best friends and still have sex, but I am not in love with him.Sometimes I wish i were as he's the best man in the world and treats me like a queen, and would marry me in the morning, ah kids and the like, a dream for me, a dream, if only............

This made me "come to terms" as such with the fact that I AM bisexual, as if I were gay then i wouldnt enjoy sex with men as much as I do, and find it as fulfilling as i do.

Is there anyone else on this site who feels the same?
Anyone who lives the same lifestyle?
Am i alone? lol
I haven't met anyone so far...........................................

love to hear some feedback :)
Thank you
Huney
xxx

csrakate

Feb 14, 2006, 8:29 PM

mistymockingbird

Feb 14, 2006, 9:25 PM

Huney,

This is a subject I feel I can throw two cents into based on my current relationship. I am a bi female and my partner is a gay male. From my many discussions with him on this subject, I know how you must feel. My situation is a little different, but hope it can provide some insight.

My partner, A, has identified as gay all his life, although he did not come out publicly untill about 12 years ago. We met almost 2 years ago, were friends first, and then began a relationship that was physical as well as emotional. He has struggled with his identity ever since. He still prefers to call himself gay because I am the only woman who has ever aroused him sexually. In fact, though ours is an open relationship, he has no desire to be with other women. The only other woman he has been with was his wife and he was only able to have sex with her by fantasizing about men during the act. So, he says gay. Why he can be attracted to me sexually....who knows.

I on the other hand have always been attracted to both sexes but did not identify as bi untill recently. Not because I was in denial, but I just never needed to justify my desires to myself or anyone else by labeling them. I just figured that what I felt was normal. I prefer men to women, and have never had an emotional relationship with a woman, but love to be with women sexually and am very aroused by other women.

I guess what I want to say is that words like gay, lesbian, bi, poly, straight are just that. Words. They only define you if you let them. As a society we have created these labels so that we can get a instant read on a person. For our own comfort. I also believe that action does not define orientation. I believe that someone can identify as bi, and yet never actually have a same sex experience. (I know there will be folks that disagree with that statement! lol)

What's important is that you know who you are. The people that want to be with you in a relationship (long term, short term, one night, whatever) will see past your adjectives and be with the person. I know that may sound like a pipe dream and that it's not always easy. And if they don't, I think you have to ask yourself if that is really a person you want to be with. We spend too much time trying to define, explain, and justify ourselves and not enough time living life to it's fullest. Do what makes you happy, and find the people who will support you.

Hope this helps or informs. Just my two cents.

Misty

bigregory

Feb 14, 2006, 10:22 PM

Words and terms BAHH.
Live life an enjoy what comes your way. :2cents: :2cents:

sam in LA

Feb 15, 2006, 2:38 AM

No confusion there.

Just because your thoughts do not fit neatly into some previously defined assumption, does not mean they are any less valid or real. Read my post on the the thread, "Does anyone share these thoughts on bisexuality?"

Without sounding preachy, go with your instinct and do not let 'second-guessing' get the best of you.

SAM

binbi42

Feb 15, 2006, 3:18 AM

Just because your thoughts do not fit neatly into some previously defined assumption, does not mean they are any less valid or real. Read my post on the the thread, "Does anyone share these thoughts on bisexuality?"

SAM

Sam's quote from "Does anyone share these thoughts on bisexuality" sums it up in a nut shell.

"Strip away all that is external and I am -- simply and honestly -- what I am".

or in other words:

A spirit inhabiting a body...not a body inhabiting a spirit

red_riding_hood_27

Feb 15, 2006, 6:38 AM

ambi53mm

Feb 15, 2006, 8:59 AM

Huney,

You answered my question before I had a chance to post it. I was wondering if it is possible to lean more toward one side and still be BI. I am having problems and thoughts have been popping in my head. How can he want me when I can not satisfy him all the way? I had a feeling he was leaning more toward bieng Gay then Bi. I have been confused as well.
Tks
Angela

(1)Straight
(2) Mostly straight incidentally gay/ lesbian
(3) Mostly straight more than incidentally gay/ lesbian
(4) Equally straight, and gay/lesbian
(5) Mostly gay/lesbian, more than incidentally straight
(6) Mostly gay/lesbian only incidentally straight
(7) Gay/ lesbian

When we register we are asked to fill out the following a concise overview of our sexual preferences using the Kinsey scale above. I normally seem to fluctuate between 1 through 4.
If you were to meet me in my day to day life in all the various roles I assume, even after days/ weeks/ years, of being around me you would never assume that I was anything but a 1.
I work in a design field where probably 95% of my clientele’ are women. Most of my staff are women as well. Most of what I do involves executing those designs taking them from the drawing board into concrete reality. The labor force responsible for doing this that I also oversee are all males, and from all outward appearances they would all fit into the number 1 category as well.
There are not too many male dominated sports, clubs, initiations, institutions etc. that I have not participated in at one time or another. Nor is there anything effeminate about my behavior or demeanor.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that my sexuality does not define the person I am. It’s the total combination of all of these bits and pieces of myself that go into making the who I am and how I appear to others. In the course of a single day I can go from a 1 to a 4 in terms of my sexual preference. In rare moments of fantasy I could imagine myself going to a 7 with all the bells and whistles. I always wondered what it would be like to go to a city, check into a room for a weekend and just go totally gay to see what it would be like. LOL No I don’t really think that will ever happen, but when I’m overcome with these urges of abandonment towards sexual freedom, or these overwhelming desires to explore my bi-side they can be pretty intense.
I explore my dream-state because for me it holds many answers to my inner-selves that in many ways, shapes, and forms, manifest themselves in my waking state. One morning I recorded in my journal that I was in a room with various people lying on wooden beds. I was sitting at the head of one bed occupied by a young buxom girl with my hands cupping both of her breasts massaging her breasts over and over again. My dream teacher explained to me
“ We always want to experience what we don’t have.”
I will never know what it is to be a woman. Perhaps I was in some former life…maybe? I come from both man and woman and I seem to embody both. Sometimes they blend well with one another, sometimes they seem to be in conflict. I’m happy my spirit chose a male body and wouldn’t trade it and my PENIS for all the tea in China .Although I may never be a woman in this lifetime, I can explore to a limited extent what it “might” be like. Kind of like penis envy in reverse huh?
Ambi

searchingbrian

Feb 15, 2006, 9:22 AM

Hey Huney,
Well..you know...I am no expert on this subject...but I do know one thing for sure. You ask "What am I?"...I'll tell you. You are Huney!! A vibrant, loving young woman who has a big heart, a sassy spirit and most likely the sex drive of a dozen people rolled into one! Just follow your heart sweetie! Don't agonize over what to call yourself...those who know you just call you LOVED!

Hugs,
Kate

I agree wtih Kate 100%!!!
Why do you struggle to find a label for you. My label for you is the one your parents gave you when you were born: "Huney" Not bisexual, not lesbian, not anything. Labels only lead to misconception; convenient ways for people to assign a bunch of inaccurate traits to you. Forget them....

rupertbare

Feb 15, 2006, 12:34 PM

Hey Huney,
Well..you know...I am no expert on this subject...but I do know one thing for sure. You ask "What am I?"...I'll tell you. You are Huney!! A vibrant, loving young woman who has a big heart, a sassy spirit and most likely the sex drive of a dozen people rolled into one! Just follow your heart sweetie! Don't agonize over what to call yourself...those who know you just call you LOVED!

I can't add to this Huney - I just agree with this comment from Kate 100%!

With love to you from the UK - may life continue to surprise you!

Rupe :)

Driver 8

Feb 15, 2006, 4:10 PM

Labels only lead to misconception; convenient ways for people to assign a bunch of inaccurate traits to you.
On the other hand, without labels, it'd be frustrating to go to a restaurant. "I'd like some of that stuff I like" isn't going to get you the results you want, but "Farfalle with sun-dried tomato pesto" (or whatever) might. :tongue:

When we talk about our sexual orientation, I think we usually mean a lot of things - who we're attracted to, what our history has been, who we're involved with now - and we're weighing how important those things are to us. So (for example) consider a woman who spent the first fifteen years of her adult life only involved with men, and then the next fifteen years only involved with women, and then the past year involved with a man she's still with. (Yes, this does happen!)

She might call herself bisexual, since she's been involved with both men and women. She might call herself straight, especially if she's written off her relationships with women as "experimentation." And she might call herself lesbian, because, for her, those first relationships with men were just her doing what society expected, and she's really primarily oriented towards women - and the guy in her life now is just a special case for some reason. (Might sound strange, but I've certainly known lesbian-identified women in similar situations.)

Fritz Klein came up with the Klein sexual orientation grid (http://www.bisexual.org/default.asp?http&&&www.bisexual.org/klein/default.asp) that allows people to assign a Kinsey-like number to several aspects of their sexuality. Wouldn't fit easily in a personal ad, but print off a few of these and you have a great icebreaker at bi events.

So - I'll try not to be too long-winded - I don't think you're a weird kind of bisexual just because you might be 90/10 where some other bisexuals are 50/50; it sounds like "lesbian" isn't the best fit for you, and "bisexual" works, and that's great.

happyjoe68

Feb 15, 2006, 4:11 PM

I've recently been emailing with someone who has recently joined the site, and I tried to explain how I felt as "Bisexual". I dont really use the term myself except when in the company of others. Hopefully, I explained successfully to the new starter that I'm open minded and open hearted about who I love, want and need.

I don't really use the term "Bisexual" except with others. I just want to be myself, however that turns out. One label can be just as oppressive as another. You should just be yourself

switch22

Feb 15, 2006, 4:51 PM

I like what Ambi53mm said (but I couldn't figure out how to quote it) "In the course of a day I can go from a 1 to a 4." I feel like that a lot.
Sometimes it's cool and sometimes it just pisses me off. Sometimes I'm real confused and I get mad. But I like being "bisexual". I'm not gay, though I've said that and have been called that. I'm not straight though I've said that and most think I am. I think we need another option. I think we need to been seen as bisexual. I don't think it means you like both guys and girls the same, just that you like both.

PeterH

Feb 15, 2006, 6:53 PM

Hi Huneypot (and perhaps mistymockingbird),

another great thread to have started. I agree with others that you shouldn't worry too much about what label you assign to yourself, but I can see how it gets confusing. You've had some new experiences and feel a need to redefine yourself. Bisexuality is such a multifaceted thing that using just one word for it is not good enough.
To try to understand myself a bit better, I've tried a change of perspective, that might give you some understanding as well. Instead of looking at genders I feel attracted to, I've been starting to think about roles I like to play in romantic situations and see if they're traditionally thought of as being 'feminine' or 'masculine'. E.g. I tend to experience giving presents as more romantic than receiving them, but on the other hand I really like to be asked out. One is traditionally thought of as masculine, the other as feminine. I'm thinking that I might be someone who feels attracted to people (M/F) who play complimentary gender-roles to the ones I play.
Seen from this persepective, you might like this particular man because he treats you in a way that normally only women do, and vice versa.
I wonder if this helps you a bit? Perhaps it also helps mistymockingbird's friend?
I realize this does hardly cover it all, e.g. because he seems to hold a promise of fulfilling your dream of a family life. BTW, how does he label himself, and how do you see him??
:2cents: PeterH

jasforjas

Feb 16, 2006, 4:05 AM

On labels

The labels on the different kinds of apple in the market tell me something about what to expect when I bit in to the apple - this seems a good/helpful use of labels.

But putting a 'sweet apple' label on a 'sharp apple' doesn’t change the apple.

So I could call my self a 'gay fem top' :eek: if you know what that label means you know what to expect of interactions with me - so it has its place.

But I think the trick part is not to let the name control what I do - if want to chew tobacco and ride a Harley as well then so be it. :cool:

In shot for me labels are great for describing things - they are not for proscribing what we should do.

:2cents:

switch22

Feb 16, 2006, 9:25 AM

Since findingt this site and doing all this thinking I got back in touch with a friend of mine whose in college. She was always sort of my "fag hag" (I hope that doesn't offend anybody) but we hadn't really talked about bisexuality or anything in a long time. She's taking all these psyche classes and had lots of things to say. Something she said reminded me of what PeterH was saying, that a person can be 'masculine' and 'feminine' at the same time. I'm not sure I totally get it, but I like the idea. She pointed out that my emotionally I'm very feminine since I like to cuddle, and I like to talk, and I want long term relationships. But otherwise I'm very masculine.
This has given me a lot to think about. Maybe I'll read some books about.
Thanks again everyone! :bipride:

Driver 8

Feb 16, 2006, 4:13 PM

She was always sort of my "fag hag"
Do bisexuals get fag hags? What would they be calleed? "Bi-flies"?

What rhymes with "AC/DC"? "Fleecy"? "St. Francis of Assissi"?

smurf111978

Feb 16, 2006, 6:48 PM

Huney Babes

You know perhaps more than most how new I am the the gay/bi scene and the confusion I have had. Therefore I dont have the experience to offer you any great pearls of wisdom. However please know this I love you very much for who you are whether you identify as gay, straight, bi, or anything else doesnt matter to me. I just feel blessed I have found such a good friend and soul mate.
Please also feel u can talk to me about anything anytime, a problem shared is a problem halved as they say, and I would consider it an honour to help you any way I can.

Love cuddles & hugs

Smurfie
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo