Uncomfortaaaaaaaaaaaaablllleeeeeee

[_Joe_]

So to bring you up to speed on some personal details :

I work in a family business.
I come to work and have to see my parents and brother every day.
MY brother just finalized his divorce. He lives in a small house on the property that is our company & my parents live a small distance away on same property.

All my brothers mail comes to my parents mailbox. All company mail comes to company. UPS/FedEx bring anything for either to teh nursery.

Now

I'm finishing up some tax forms for the payroll quarterly and have a question at the end about something. I go into my moms office to ask her and shes opening a box on her desk that just came in from UPS.

I asked her the question when she just lets out a "Oh my God" outburst and drops the package back into the box and falls down into her chair. I look up and ignore it, she's old and strange so I ask again. She ignores me just staring at the box. I ask what's in the box and she only replies "I think its for your brother"

I say fine whatever, and ask my question again.

"I hope its for your brother" she says.

I bite and ask "what is it"

she tosses the box over the desk to me

I pull out a 12" white silicon dildo. its flopping inside a nice sturdy plastic jewel case.

This is one of those things described in great detail in those games you play "what situation would you rather not be in with your parents. ever" I'm sure everyone has played this game in their heads at one point. This was my newest entry to this game I play in my head, however its already been voided out apparently since it's happening at that moment.

I said 'fuck it I'll call Doug (our tax agent) and walk out.

I came back to my office. I pulled out a drawer that has my "emergency whiskey" and have taken a shot. I have had it here for over 5 years and never had to touch it till now.




UPDATE OF INSANELY FUNNY

So my brother calls me at my office.

Oh fuck I do NOT WANT TO ANSWER THIS PHONE.

But I do, with as much composure as I can.

He is returning from his divorce laywer. He is telling me the exwife did some really stupid shit at the end of the mediation and crossed a few things out, thus not allowing her to cash in my brothers retirement IRA, and to charge my brother fees for daycare throughout the week. The lawyer needed my brother to sign off he agrees to those changes she snuck in at the end. Of course he was happy.

Joe : So the bitch did somethign stupid, again
Brother : YUP!
Joe : So that's all good news huh
Brother : YUP!
Joe : sooooo you coming back to work?
Brother : Should be there in ten minutes
Joe : Oh. (in a tone)
Brother : ..... What ?
Joe : Well Im very happy you are in a good mood
Brother : WHAT !?!?
Joe : You know that the mail center accross the street has PO boxes right
Brother : err what ?
Joe : You should have stuff sent there instead of at the office
Brother : Oh fuck I thought that package looked retaped!
Joe : I thought you were gone
Brother : Well I was on the phone and mom came in and threw it down and went out
Joe : ..oHhhhh (and I start to lose it laughing)
Brother : Oh fuck were YOU TEHRE WHEN SHE OPENED IT ?
Joe : I told her that it had to be you, I ordered mine in black (and I totally lost it

He was sayign some other shit but I couldn't hear him through my laughter and hung up.

[**Peg**]

there there *pat

just tell Mom it IS for your bro :rolleyes:

now quit playin with it and come tell us how it is *eg*

[csrakate]

"Gee Mom...that must be for (insert Brother's name)...Dad and I ordered the 8" ones".

[rissababynta]

Well, whoever it was for...Kudos for getting the 12 incher!

[M. Wolfe]

"Gee Mom...that must be for (insert Brother's name)...Dad and I ordered the 8" ones".


That could quite possibly be THE single worst thing to say in that situation.


I'm surprised that it took so long for Joe to care what was in the box if it terrified his mum.

[_Joe_]

That could quite possibly be THE single worst thing to say in that situation.


I'm surprised that it took so long for Joe to care what was in the box if it terrified his mum.

I would add "and I ordered it in black".

[M. Wolfe]

When I came out to my mum I explained that it was too awkward to talk to her about these issues but there are people I am able to if I feel the need. I told her that what I would love is that she wouldn't try to make me share just because she loves me. etc. etc.

So if we found ourselves in this situation, I would've said that it was probably a bad idea to open my mail in the first place and we'd leave it at that.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Ok Ok, the main question here is: WAS it for you and did you go retrieve it later???
Curious and nosey Cat. :rolleyes:

[_Joe_]

UPDATE OF INSANELY FUNNY

So my brother calls me at my office.

Oh fuck I do NOT WANT TO ANSWER THIS PHONE.

But I do, with as much composure as I can.

He is returning from his divorce laywer. He is telling me the exwife did some really stupid shit at the end of the mediation and crossed a few things out, thus not allowing her to cash in my brothers retirement IRA, and to charge my brother fees for daycare throughout the week. The lawyer needed my brother to sign off he agrees to those changes she snuck in at the end. Of course he was happy.

Joe : So the bitch did somethign stupid, again
Brother : YUP!
Joe : So that's all good news huh
Brother : YUP!
Joe : sooooo you coming back to work?
Brother : Should be there in ten minutes
Joe : Oh. (in a tone)
Brother : ..... What ?
Joe : Well Im very happy you are in a good mood
Brother : WHAT !?!?
Joe : You know that the mail center accross the street has PO boxes right
Brother : err what ?
Joe : You should have stuff sent there instead of at the office
Brother : Oh fuck I thought that package looked retaped!
Joe : I thought you were gone
Brother : Well I was on the phone and mom came in and threw it down and went out
Joe : ..oHhhhh (and I start to lose it laughing)
Brother : Oh fuck were YOU TEHRE WHEN SHE OPENED IT ?
Joe : I told her that it had to be you, I ordered mine in black (and I totally lost it

He was sayign some other shit but I couldn't hear him through my laughter and hung up.

[Music Girl]

OMG Joe, you had me in stitches with that one. So it WAS for your brother then.....lol. I bet he uses the mailbox center across the street from now on.

MG :bigrin:

[_Joe_]

And as Paul Harvey says time for teh REST of the STORY!

So my mom and dad abruptly walk into my office thinking my brother didnt tell me the divorce news.

However I tell them I know but I'm giggling and finally ask "does dad know ?!"

Mom: "NO!"

Dad : "know WHAT"

Mom to Me : "I RETAPED THE BOX HE DOESNT KNOW"

Me : "OH YES HE DOEEEEEEEEEES" and I start laughing hard.

My dad is pissed and said "What is goign on"

Me Losing it finally : "HE BOUGHT A DIDLDO" and Im doing that high pitched laughing voice

Dad "who ?!"

Mom : It wasn't JUST a dildo"

Me : What !?

Mom : AFter you left. I looked more. It has a light bulb and batteries so it lights up

I fucking lost it even more than I thought I could and I think I pissed myself

Dad : WHY DID YOU OPEN IT ?

Mom : "It said "James" on it I thought it was for you!'

Dad : Oh my god you didnt open it

Me : IN FRONT OF MEEEEEEEEEEE AND I TOOK IT OUT IN FROTN OF HER AND OH MY GOD DAD LOOK I DRANK THIS LITTLE BOTTLE OF WHISKY IM TRAMATIZED

Mom : STOP BEING SO LOUD

Dad : I cant believe this shit why would you think it was mine

Mom : I didnt knwo what it was till I opened it

Me : You're not fuckign mom good enough dad!

Dad laughing now : apparently not

MY DOOR OPENS AND MY BROTHER WALKS IN

I put my head in my lap as I'm laughing

Mom "IM OUT OF HERE

Dad : WHY DONT YOU USE A PO BOX NEXT TIME

Brother : Oh FUCK

and eveyroen dispersed from my office and I was alone laughing still

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

LMAO Oh Dear God, Joe! Bet your whole body hurt from laughter! Did your Brother recover enough to take his box home?
Waiting on more..
Cat

[M. Wolfe]

It's better than a sitcom.

[rissababynta]

And as Paul Harvey says time for teh REST of the STORY!

So my mom and dad abruptly walk into my office thinking my brother didnt tell me the divorce news.

However I tell them I know but I'm giggling and finally ask "does dad know ?!"

Mom: "NO!"

Dad : "know WHAT"

Mom to Me : "I RETAPED THE BOX HE DOESNT KNOW"

Me : "OH YES HE DOEEEEEEEEEES" and I start laughing hard.

My dad is pissed and said "What is goign on"

Me Losing it finally : "HE BOUGHT A DIDLDO" and Im doing that high pitched laughing voice

Dad "who ?!"

Mom : It wasn't JUST a dildo"

Me : What !?

Mom : AFter you left. I looked more. It has a light bulb and batteries so it lights up

I fucking lost it even more than I thought I could and I think I pissed myself

Dad : WHY DID YOU OPEN IT ?

Mom : "It said "James" on it I thought it was for you!'

Dad : Oh my god you didnt open it

Me : IN FRONT OF MEEEEEEEEEEE AND I TOOK IT OUT IN FROTN OF HER AND OH MY GOD DAD LOOK I DRANK THIS LITTLE BOTTLE OF WHISKY IM TRAMATIZED

Mom : STOP BEING SO LOUD

Dad : I cant believe this shit why would you think it was mine

Mom : I didnt knwo what it was till I opened it

Me : You're not fuckign mom good enough dad!

Dad laughing now : apparently not

MY DOOR OPENS AND MY BROTHER WALKS IN

I put my head in my lap as I'm laughing

Mom "IM OUT OF HERE

Dad : WHY DONT YOU USE A PO BOX NEXT TIME

Brother : Oh FUCK

and eveyroen dispersed from my office and I was alone laughing still

Oh my God if I ever told my Dad he didn't fuck Mom good enough they would never speak to me again lmfao.

[Conservationist]

I ordered mine in black

Ahahaha! Now you know what to get him for xmas.

[gfofbiguy]

OMG, Joe! :eek: Thank you for the laugh!!! I so needed that today! :bigrin:

[tnttogether]

now thats just too funny right there. thanks for the comedy relief :bigrin:

[CalanderGirl]

That is HILARIOUS!!!!! Joe I've been laughing for 10 min at least!

So you know those "uncomfortable situations" I think I'm the queen of them!!!!

[AdamKadmon43]

I don't understand.

[codybear3]

Ahahaha! Now you know what to get him for xmas.


There you go, Joe... When you get the black one for x-mas, you can use the white one to beat them rats from your other thread... :eek::paw::paw:

[JoshuaGlynn]

That is the most hil... ar.... ious thing I have heard all month.....

:cutelaugh :cutelaugh :cutelaugh :cutelaugh

Josh

[Atopalonelystar]

Well Joe, from now on u should refer ur family to me for such shopping interests!! LMAO!

[_Joe_]

Today I put a huge cucmber from my garden, well, overgrown and overripe cucumber, on my mom's desk with "To : James" written on it.

[M. Wolfe]

Today I put a huge cucmber from my garden, well, overgrown and overripe cucumber, on my mom's desk with "To : James" written on it.

Seriously!? LMFAO

It can't be that awkward for you by this time then.

[_Joe_]

well, it still has those spiny bristles on it.

[Realist]

Joe, you're getting WAY too much mileage out of this!

I'm just glad it's not MY family!

[rissababynta]

well, it still has those spiny bristles on it.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

LMFAO!

Too much funny...way too much funny!

[tg Shannon]

ROFLMAO, LOL, ROFL, LOL.........If you dont submit this to an hbo or other kinda comedy show, you will be giving up big bucks in royalties, ROFLMAO, LOL, ROFL, LOL

[DiamondDog]

Joe-So who did the dildo belong to? To you? Your dad? Your brother?

Or did your brother's ex wife order it for your brother so your parents would open it and see it?

Is your brother gay or bisexual, or hetero and just into receptive anal sex?

FYI very few men who can actually take 12 Inches up the ass, even if it's a toy. I'm not saying that it's impossible but it's not as easy as it seems in porn.

If I were your brother and I ordered it for myself I'd be more annoyed at how my parents opened my mail and made a huge fuss over a sex toy when it's no big deal.

[_Joe_]

Joe-So who did the dildo belong to? To you? Your dad? Your brother?

Brother

Or did your brother's ex wife order it for your brother so your parents would open it and see it?

Its for his girlfriend.

Is your brother gay or bisexual, or hetero and just into receptive anal sex?

I dont know and dont care to know. We don't get along as great as it plays off in this thread.

FYI very few men who can actually take 12 Inches up the ass, even if it's a toy. I'm not saying that it's impossible but it's not as easy as it seems in porn.

If I were your brother and I ordered it for myself I'd be more annoyed at how my parents opened my mail and made a huge fuss over a sex toy when it's no big deal.

Since my dad and brother share the same name, save a Jr or Sr, he should have at least ordered it and shipped it under Jr, or send it to a PO box if he doesn't want an embarassing thing happen. His stupid fault.



And thats that.

[onewhocares]

Oh Joe...........

Here I was thinking that my life and adventures would make good fodder for an HBO sitcom. NO ONE would believe the situations that I have found my self in ( right Showme). YOU have me beat!

Belle

[_Joe_]

Shareing is caring you know. :D

[_Joe_]

So tonight I'm in Dallas Texas, preparing for a convention I attend every year.

I came up early to set up our booth, then I get to blow two days off watching the booth, and at nights enjoying my stay at the very, very swanky Dallas Hilton Anatole. This is by far one of my favorite hotels, hands down. awesome place.

So I'm outside enjoying a cigar and a Gin n Tonic with a gorgeous view of their gardens, in very nice weather for August at 9pm, when a gorgeous, GORGEOUS woman comes up and sits next to me. I think nothing of it, as theres a huge convention in town already and the place is swarming with these folks and maybe she just needs to sit down and smoke.

So she asked if I'm with them, I said no. I asked if shes with them, she says no.

Im so naive and don't know whats going on till she feels up my chest, runs her hand on my thigh and says "you looking for a good time tonight?" and I'm just flat out O.O

$50 and I'll give you a blow job you wont forget.

Im just stunned, as I'm already buzzing, I been to this hotel every other year and never has this happened and raise my ring finger and say "sorry, Married and won't" and back and forth discussion about my concious when the bartender/waitress comes by and asked her what she wants, she says Shirley Temple and she asked for her room key. "Oh I left it in my room" and off she goes. Waitress looks at me and I say "Ya, you know, shes doesn't have a room here" and waitress kicks back "thanks for your honesty, as I know what she is. how about a drink on the houes"

Fuck ya, drink on the house I like.

Then the Manager comes out and asked me if I can text or call him next time it happens as they are TRYING to get rid of her but she is too quick to catch. I am still just O.O as this never happened, take their card. another free drink. Hotel knows how to bribe an honest man let me tell you.

So.

That's not funny

this is the funny part

I text my mom "call girl just offered me $50 for a blowjob. This is the best business expense writeoff EVER"

Then my brother "call girl just offered me $50 for blowjob. Since you got a dildo with company money I'm writing this off!"

I called my best friend and told him what happened. He's 31 and single and was like "WHAT THE FUCK MAN YOU DIDNT GET THE BLOWJOB" and then I txted him "whats the standard percantage rate for tipping a call girl for blowjob for $50, or do I just donkey punch her?"

He replies LOL

So my mom and brother never reply. they are asleep I bet

I cant wait for morning.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

LOl You are so bad. Have fun Darlin. Be safe, but have fun..:}
Silly Cat

[littlerayofsunshine]

http://i204.photobucket.com/albums/bb154/littlerayofsunshine_2007/Insp-Donkey.jpg


and then take her money while she's down.

[artsy girl]

I love the donkey punch pic.. that's so great.

Joe you have the greatest sence of humour...your awesome.

That's great your family just takes your humour so well..

this story is sounding more like a sitcom ..the more it goes on.

Married artsy girl:tongue:

[diB4u]

LOL- Sorry Joe that really really really was rather funny.

Oh man your poor mother opening it up thinking it was her husbands lol, oh dear, certain things parents regardless of your age- needs to know...they dont need to know exactly what an adult gets up to.

Oh my your poor brother- bless him.

BTW thanks for sharing with me lol- brightened up my f*ing misserable day.

:tong:

[Realist]

Apparently, there are a lot more perks from owning a business than I suspected! I'd like to see Joe's income tax statement, at the end of the year, and see how he listed the expenses!

[mrplayfuluk]

can i give a big round of applause out before the next part happens!

:bigrin::bigrin::bigrin:

[Georgie_Girl]

That was awesome, thanks for posting it! :) This thread should be made epic. (I'm such a nerd :P)

[Beefeater]

ROFLMAO&PMP!!! In my next life, I want to come back as a member of Joe's family! HAHAHA!:cutelaugh