Dealing with a bisexual (future) spouse

[razor502]

I recently realized that my fiance was very much bi. I knew that she had relationships in the past, but i thought it was nothing more than expirementation. She lieved with a woman for a couple of years, but they broke up when she got tired of the whole thiing. Plus, she said that she never loved this person. However, last night she told me that she likes women/men 50/50... sometimes 70/30. However, she says that she can never loive them and that she loves me completely. She says that women offer her things men cant, such as tenderness, class, respect and sex. I dont understand the latter. In any case, she says that she loves me and will always be faithful. In fact, she says it was a mistake that she told me, given that i have badgered on the issue for the last 24 hours. However, I was really taken back by the whole issue. I feel threatened and insecure about it. It seems now that the whole world is free game for her. At the same time, there is something exciting about it. She is the person I have had the best sex with... But, I feel wierd about it. My question is can she be happily married with me for the rest of our lives--even though she will not be with other women. I dont want to do the swing them, and she said that it was disrpectful to our marriage. Can someone shine some ligfht on this. I am starting to come to terms with this, but I dont want to make a mistake before we get married. One thing she said was that all women were bi... that i would be surprised... she said that being with a woman was totally natural for a woman... help!!

[Mrs.F]

Hi razor,
I feel for you. Though your situation is different then mine. I'm straight and hubby is bi. I understand your threatened feelings and whether or not she will be completely happy with ONLY you forever. I've struggled with that whole thing myself. I think you have alot of talking and communicating yet before marriage. From what you say, I hear alot of mixed signals. I can see why your confused. And you have every right to know what her feelings are on this topic. You can't just go into a marriage second guessing her feelings. Keep talking. Keep asking questions.

And...I'm a woman and I have never had any desire to be with another woman. For her to say every woman is bi..is false. :rolleyes:

[Qetesh]

Hi, I'm in a different position too, my hubby is bi. I think I can see where your coming from and I'm sure its a perfectly natural reaction for most people to feel threatened (I dont but I'm just strange LOL). If it got to the point where she really had to be with a woman but you couldnt handle that, could you a threesome do you think? Just an idea. I'm new to all this I'm sure there are people here that will be able to give you great advice!
Oh and on the topic of all women being bi, I gues that depends on the level of desperation and alcohol intake :bigrin: :tong: LOL
I wish you the best of luck in trying to come to terms with this.
Q x

[Driver 8]

She says that women offer her things men cant, such as tenderness, class, respect and sex. I dont understand the latter. In any case, she says that she loves me and will always be faithful. In fact, she says it was a mistake that she told me, given that i have badgered on the issue for the last 24 hours.
Razor - I'm a bi woman, though that doesn't necessarily mean I know what your wife is thinking here.

I can't blame you for "badgering" her about something that might change the whole basis of your relationship - but do keep in mind that you're probably not going to work things out in a day or two!

I personally think you can get tenderness, class, respect, and sex from men - and I can't help wondering if she thinks the same thing, but it at a loss for words for how to explain it. If she's happy to be in a monogamous relationship, it's pretty clear that she feels she's getting what she wants from you.

But a lot of bisexuals do feel that their relationships with men and with women are different. Sometimes that difference is clear-cut - a lot of guys here will tell you they're only interested in men sexually, and all their romantic relationships are with women. Other times, though, it's more subtle - people feel there's a different flavor that's very hard to put into words to those who can't (so to speak) taste it.

(And some other bis don't feel there's a difference, but that's less relevant at the moment.)


It seems now that the whole world is free game for her.
If you haven't already spoken these words to her, could I beg you not to?

First - before you found out, wasn't half the world "free game" for her? If she'd been straight, wouldn't that imply that she could run around with any man on the planet?

Second - whether or not you mean it this way, this sure sounds like you're saying she's a tramp who'll run around with anyone who catches her eye. She's told you there's no one else and never will be, and that is a major commitment to make, and if you talk as though you don't believe she can keep that commitment, I assure you, that's insulting.

:2cents:

And P.S. not all women are bi, for heaven's sake, she can take it from me.

[WillowTree]

First let me begin by asking you to remember that your fiance is still exactly the same person she was before she told you she was bi. Nothing has changed about her, the only thing that is different if your awareness of the situation. I have thought about your post alot since yesterday, trying to think of what I could say that would be helpful. Being bisexual means different things for different people, and the lifestyles that can be found amongst the bisexual population are widely varying. That means, luckily for you, that many, many bisexual women and men lead monogomous lives every day...and do so happily. Having said that, asking or expecting her to deny her bi side would not be healthy for her or your relationship. That doesn't mean she has to sleep with women, but perhaps you could incorporate role play or fantasy into your sex life that would give her an outlet for her desire of women.

I also wanted to offer some clarification to something she said that seems to confuse you, that is that women can offer something men can't...sex. Sex with men and women is very different. I love my husband very much and enjoy having sex with him, but sex with him is not at all like sex with a woman. No matter what he does, he simply cannot imitate being with a woman for me. His body is different, his kisses are different, then of course, there's the factor of different anatomy. :tong: That doesn't mean I love him or our sex life any less, it just means that sex with a woman offers something sex with him does not. Not better, not worse, just different plain and simple.

I hope something I said helps and wish you luck as you set out trying to understand and accept your fiance for who she is. I promise your relationship will be stronger if you are able to do so.

[razor502]

Thanks alot for your words of support. She assures me that I give her everything she wants: class, tenderness, effection, love and sex. However, I am bothered by the way she describes her episodes. It sounds very aggressive--such as picking up women who had never tried it but wanted to expirement. she told them to beware the consequences and then took them. Only to have them beg her for repeated encounters and her refusing. Doing it with a woman in the bathroom of a restaurant. Frankly, it shocks me because she is so demure and formal. She is Spanish and she keeps on saying that it is a "morbo." I dont know what that means. I looked it up and it translates into "illness." I think it is a dark desire. It's strange. (yet a bit tantalizing).

[huneypot]

I wish we could change the word "bisexual" to "people loving" as that is what it means to me. Men and Women are people, I fall in love with a person, sure sex is differant, but I would not have a problem commiting fully to a relationship with one person and dont think i would be missing out on anything.

Seems like u and ur future wife have a lot to talk about, and I wish u the very best, but please never feel that u can not fullfill her as I truly believe that this is not true.Good luck mate
xxx
:)

[innaminka]

First let me begin by asking you to remember that your fiance is still exactly the same person she was before she told you she was bi. Nothing has changed about her, the only thing that is different if your awareness of the situation.

I also wanted to offer some clarification to something she said that seems to confuse you, that is that women can offer something men can't...sex. Sex with men and women is very different. I love my husband very much and enjoy having sex with him, but sex with him is not at all like sex with a woman. No matter what he does, he simply cannot imitate being with a woman for me. His body is different, his kisses are different, then of course, there's the factor of different anatomy. :tong: That doesn't mean I love him or our sex life any less, it just means that sex with a woman offers something sex with him does not. Not better, not worse, just different plain and simple.



I couldn't agree with Willow more.
The difference being that Willow and I are already married, and I don't know about Willow, but my awareness started well into my marriage.
You have yet to take that step, but when you commit to something as seriously as being married, you can't bring baggage or doubts.
She is your fiance - she hasn't changed.
Consider how threatened you will be by her revalations. You can't be half married.
Good luck and TALK, TALK, TALK. :)

[Newmexicanman]

If and when I remarry, I want a woman who accepts that I am bisexual and will always lust after that part of my sexuality. I would, therefore, like a woman who wants to be a part of it, maybe join into it. I want a woman who is sexually selfish and probably bisexual herself. I want to have a woman who takes care of her sexual needs in any way that makes her feel comfortable.

I guess I'm saying I want an open, sexually comfortable relationship.

I had a friend years ago who was married to a woman who knew and approved of his sexual orientation. She even went so far as to help him condition his ass during sex so that he could take a penis in it. They are still married after 32 years. She is bisexual and has had lovers on and off right throughout the marriage and before. He has had male lovers, but not as many as her.

My ex-wife wanted to see me with another man, I obliged her, and that - sadly - was a mistake. She became obsessed with it, and called me some really filthy names when she finally left... All to do with that mistake...

I don't know if there are any right or wrong answers.