Questions from straight spouse

[Qetesh]

Hey I'm new here, I'm straight but my husband recently told me he is bi. Which isnt a problem, if anything I'm proud of him for having the courage to tell me. But just lately I'm finding that I'm getting really down and I think its because he wont talk about it unless we're in bed (EVERY time now)!!! Sharing fantasies is all well and good but its getting to the point where I feel that all his coming out has done is made me feel that I'm no where near good enough (or just enough) in bed anymore.... (even with the strap-on LOL!). I know (and accept) I cant satisfy all his needs, I dont have all the right bits and pieces but I guess its just starting to knock my confidence now!
I try talking about it outside the bedroom and he just acts bored or gets really short with me. The only time he'll start a converstaion is if he thinks I'm having a hard time dealing with it, which I'm not... or I wasnt. Does any of this make sense? I know him being bisexual doesnt define who he is but it is a part of who he is and I cant just ignore it... not yet anyway. I feel as though he's silently slipping back into the closet until sex is involved! Has anyone done this, had a partner do this etc? Any words of wisdom welcome! Thanks for taking the time to read this!

Q :)

[Driver 8]

I'm not straight, but, it sounds like your husband might be so wrapped up in having the chance to try out his fantasies that he's forgotten that relationships are mutual. You've been supportive of him, and he's repaid you by being dismissive of you.

I wonder if he even realizes he's doing it? It might be possible that he just needs to be firmly reminded that you need some support too.

[FireRaven]

I'm the bi spouse in my marriage and I'm female so I'm not sure my reply will be of a lot of help, but ya never know.

It's great that your husband had the honesty to tell you he was bi. It's great that you have the love to try and understand.

This question is none of my business and feel free to ignore it; now that he has told you, is he 'free' to find another man for a relationship? If he is, maybe all you two are experiencing now is the newness jitters. Not fun, but they do pass. If he isn't, maybe what is happening is he's starting to build up resentment.

I'm not even hinting that either of you are doing anything wrong. Sometimes the relief of coming out to yourself and your partner is followed by a rush of, "Ok now what? I'm out of the closet, wonderful! Now can I go out of the living room (front room)?"

It's a lot to process for you both and I wish you best energy while you work through it.

FireRaven

[Qetesh]

Thanks for the replies and feel free to ask any questions you like. I've told him that I'd be ok if he wanted to go out and be with a man but I'd prefer it to be a physical relationship more than an emotional one. He's agreed and said that'd be all he wanted... for now at least. But he wants to wait a while as its only been a short time since coming out and he doesnt want to rush into anything... and that was the last time it got mentioned in any serious sense!!! I appreciate the advice and comments though guys!

Q x

[arana]

Hi ((((Qetesh))))! I am not the straight half of my relationship but I think I know how you might feel. I also think Driver8 might be right. Maybe your husband is so excited that you accept him that he's forgotten you have needs and expectations also. He's caught up in "his" moment and you need to remind him it takes 2 to keep your relationship on the right track. You need to get him to see you are serious. If bed is the only place he talks about things, maybe you need to interrupt one of those fantasies and tell him what you feel. You need pleasure and reassurance in the relationship just as much as he does. If he keeps avoiding the issue with you when it's he that started this, then you need to find out why that is. Maybe there's more to it. He needs to be honest with you.

[jo69guy]

I appluad you for being so supportive to your husband! Just take things day by day, and hopefully with time, he will realize that talking about his fantasies every time you are in bed, is getting a bit old for you.

I came out to my ex-wife prior to our marrige, and she was ok with it at first. Later, she withdrew her support, but we had many other issues in our marriage she didn't want to resolve. My being bisexual, was just a convienient excuse for her to "shut-down".

I wish you and your hubby all the luck and happiness in the world! :flag1:

[Mrs.F]

Hi Qetesh,
I am a straight wife of a bi husband. I'm glad you are supportive of your husband and willing to let him have his fun. I have not reached the point to let him go yet, but I"m trying. :rolleyes:

My husband had been doing the same thing in the bedroom. I think once I knew and I accepted it, he felt that rush and was very excited that he didn't have hide his fantasies and keep them quiet. Although, the only time I ever heard what a fantasy was, was when we were in bed. And it did make me feel bad. He wants to do this and do that and can he do this and can he do that? Will you do this for me? HELLO....I am here..are you with me right now or lost in your own world? I finally blew up and told him that I didn't want to hear that only at those moments. Talk to me about it some other time..I understand your feelings and I accept your feelings, but when your with me, please be with me. I think they just forget and get caught up in "their" happiness to be "free". I hope this makes sense to you.

I think I got my point across to him and he's been better. I don't think he realized he was doing it. And I think your husband should be respecting of your feelings as you have been of his. Talking and communicating is the most important part of any relationship. Maybe he's just embarrassed to talk about it openly yet. They kept it all to themselves for so long that talking about it outloud is so different.

Good luck to you. Mrs.F

[rupertbare]

Well if you've been following the thread "My wife and I......." you'll know I'm not the best placed person to give advice.

But.....

Could I suggest that HE comes to the site and has a chat.

You don't say how long this has been going on - if it is recently then maybe he just has to work through his fantasies and that he will "get it out of his system" and become a more "occasional" thing - but I really do believe that it needs discussing outside of the bedroom.

This must be a trying time for you and I am SO glad you found this site - there are several other wives here in exactly your posistion - so get to know them - keep coming back. We are a friendly and supportive bunch (well..in the main!! lol!!)

With heaps of love to you and your husband (I take it you don't have children?)

Rupe, UK :)

[funofit]

I am bi and my wife is not and that was an issue at first, but is not any longer. My bi side is a sexual side of me, though I am sure that varies for different men/women. What I mean is that part of the reason that I only talked about it at first during sex, was that was when it was in my head! I do not crave affection or relationships from men at all, but when I get aroused I crave men and women. So, I was never comfortable talking about men outside the bedroom, quite honestly because it did not interest me. I was literally "bored" with it when my wife brought it up. I had a sexual life with men long before my wife knew about it, though she suspected. She asked me once when we were having sex, if I wanted to bring a man into our bed and I said yes and she knew at that point and it took her time to come to terms with it. I see nothing wrong with enjoying men and women as long as you're safe and smart, but I don't like keeping my wife in the dark and she did not like it either. If I was seeing another woman she would hate it as I would, as I could not separate that from emotion and all that women bring into a relationship (and men do too, just not me and those few men I have been with). I could never have an illicit relationship with another woman and never have. My wife and I have been together for 18 years and we are extremely happy. My sex life with the "other man" is separate and happens during the day, never going out, no weekends, or anything that takes away from our family, never having anything more then just a sexual relationship and that works for both of us (well all of us). Not sure that this helps, other than the first point of why this comes up when you're haivng sex...Best of luck...

[grant_33]

Qetesh,

I am also the bi side of our relationship, and certainly no expert either. But I want to second what funofit had to say. It's been my observation of the bi men on this site that there are a lot of us that are not really into men except for the sexual side of them; we're not necessarily attracted to men as we see them in public and are not really interested in any kind of emotional relationship with another man, but have an attraction to them from a sexual standpoint (not all of us are that way, of course, but a large number of us seem to be that way). As a result, we tend to see men purely from a sexual standpoint, not from an emotional standpoint, which may be one reason that your husband's bisexual interest only comes up when you're having sex and not when you're having a conversation after dinner.

Another reason he may be only interested in talking about his bisexuality in bed is because he's probably been suppressing his interest in men for a while (how long have you been together, and how long has he felt like he's been bisexual?), and hasn't been able to talk about it. Now that he's come out to you, he probably feels like a dam has burst and is now in the midst of "Christmas Morning;" being able to explore sexually what up to now has only been a rich fantasy life for him. That's probably why it comes up every time you have sex, because he is now a kid in a candy store who suddenly has enough money to buy what he wants. Unfortunately, he probably has spent a lot more time thinking about the sexual side of his bisexuality than he has the emotional side of it, and is now trying to sort through his feelings about being bisexual, which may be why he is still hesitant to talk about it with you when he's not caught up in the throes of passion.

Eventually, he will probably figure out what being bisexual means to him, and he may also decide that that means he is interested in taking the next step, having a sexual relationship with a man. And this is where you will finally get him to talk to you about where he wants to go with his bisexuality, because he knows he will have to go through you to take that next step because he came out to you. My guess is that you'll know he is ready for that conversation when some of the passion and desire for bi-sex he exhibits during sex with you starts to relax a little, or it doesn't come up anymore. It's just going to take a little patience and understanding on your part, and I think he will eventually come around and you can finally figure out where you stand in all of this.

Hopefully that wasn't too verbose an explanation. I wish you all the luck in the world getting through this, and hope that everything works well for the both of you.

[huneypot]

Qetesh

im afraid i dont have any usefull advice as ive never been in a situation anything like this,
all i can say is that if u hang around the site for a bit ull meet some similar people who might be able to help and advise u,
i offer my ear and a big
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Qetesh)))))) ))))))))))))))))))))))))))
hunny
:)

[red_riding_hood_27]

Sorry, No words of wisdom from me since I am so new to this. I am going thru the same emotions that you are. I thought I was strong enough but apparently not. Everyday is a new day. My husband has all ways been guiet and never talks to me. So getting him to tell me anything is a push and a shove. He writes his thoughts down to me and emails me. (go figure). I don't know what is going on with him. Or what he thinks. I can only guess that he does not talk with me because he just came out to me (and to himself). I wish you well and that you are not alone. Good luck !

Angela

[2ferinindy]

Hi,
I understand what you are going through, as I've been there. I'm straight and my husband is bi. I've known about his bisexuality for about 8 years now. It is sometimes difficult not to take it personally when his desires are towards someone else. Willingness to communicate from both of you will be most important from now on. He needs to listen to your thoughts and concerns just as much as he needs to share what he is feeling with you. If I am understanding you right, he is only telling you his fantasies right now. I hope he can learn to talk seriously about his bi side with you. You need his support as much as he needs yours. I think you should consider showing him your posting as a way to open communication between you two. Good luck!

[allbimyself]

I have to agree with funofit.

If you husband is like me he only wants physical relationships with men, not emotional. Therefore, in his mind, there ISN'T anything to discuss outside the bedroom regarding his bisexuality.

You need to make him understand that YOU have non-physical issues that you need to discuss with him outside the bedroom.

Also, it is possible that his "bisexuality" is purely fantasy. He enjoys the fantasy in the bedroom, but perhaps deep down doesn't really want to be with a man. Bringing things up outside the physical relationship with you may be threatening.

Just my 2 cents (actually 1 cent after taxes).

allbi

[grant_33]

Allbi has some great points. This may well be more of a fantasy thing with him (it's been that way with me; I've not consummated anything with a guy but it is something I fantasize about a lot). And as I said earlier, he's probably thought alot about the sexual side of things but not the rest of his bisexuality, and is either embarrassed or unsure about how to approach this with you.

Another point I wanted to make but forgot to is that it is not an inevitability that he will want to have a relationship with a man. There are several guys that are active on this website that consider themselves bi but have made a choice to stay monogamous with their wives/girlfriends, for a variety of reasons. So that may be something that never happens with your husband.

Again, hang in there and hopefully everything works out well for you and your husband.

[ambi53mm]

I know him being bisexual doesnt define who he is but it is a part of who he is and I cant just ignore it... not yet anyway. I feel as though he's silently slipping back into the closet until sex is involved! Has anyone done this, had a partner do this etc? Any words of wisdom welcome! Thanks for taking the time to read this!

Q :)

Hi Qetesh,

“ I am a bi male.” Every time I make this declaration, I’m reminded of the very long journey of self-discovery. It’s a journey of a lifetime fraught with guilt, shame, denial, fear, confusion, disappointment, excitement, arousal, and eventually acceptance. There are times when my thoughts of sex remain dormant, and times when I can’t seem to think of anything else but sex.
When my thoughts do turn to sex, they seem to flit from male to female to both depending on what I might be obsessed with in the moment. It’s not an emotional thing for me, but it can be intimate in the moment which has all the appearances sometimes of being emotional.
I have the advantage of having a wife who is bi as well. Our discussions of being bisexual come up occasionally but, usually we’re to busy with jobs and family to allow much time to focus our attention on the subject. When we do get a private moment to ourselves, then it can be a point of arousal for both of us and in all fairness sometimes a point of distraction as well. Even though I have come to accept that I am bisexual, I’m still trying to find comfort with that part of myself. I don’t know why, but for some reason when our attention is focused on sex is when I feel the most comfortable to talk about it.
This is an awesome site to explore because of the diverseness of the people who have come here for one reason or another that are willing to share their thoughts, insights, and feelings about bisexuality. Somewhere in the bigger scheme of things, it begins to make sense.

Ambi

[Qetesh]

Thank you all so much for your responses. Thank you for not laughing at me, I wasnt sure if I was just being silly or not :rolleyes: .
Rupert... My hubby has been to this site (thats how I knew about it, I found it for him a few weeks ago), he registered read a few posts and "forgot" about it so I figured I'd register myself, but he is very quiet/shy so perhaps he just doesnt feel comfortable "talking" to strangers, so to speak. You never know he may decide to come back here and read this anyway.
I had considered that perhaps he just didnt have anything to say, which is fine but I do need to talk to someone and as he's only out to me, he is the only person I can talk to (well now you, you have no idea how much that means to me, thank you). I read somewhere that women do have a need to talk about things a lot more than men! But on the other hand I dont even know what I need to talk about... if that makes sense. Which makes starting a conversation about it oh so much more difficult.
Red Riding Hood I can understand why your SO sends you e-mails, I find it extremely difficult and uncomfortable to talk about my feelings and have always been a big fan of letter writing, I think its coz I grew up in a house where you didnt talk about anything and emotions/feelings got supressed! Also its easier to talk in bed (not in a sexual way), just in bed with the lights off so I dont get as self concious... strange huh? :)
I think I may leave it a while and see if he gets over the excitment of allowing himself to "indulge" these feelings he has and see what happens. It is all new still. He's only in his early 20's but has had thoughts about men for the last 10 years but hated himself for it until I found out and he had to come clean with himself and me. So I can understand why it'd be difficulat for him 10 years in denail isnt something thats just gonna disappear. But then again he did talk openly about it for a while, perhaps he thinks he said everything there is to say - cant tell I'm confuse can you ;) ! Sorry this is turning into an essay. Thank you all again for listening, I really appreciate it so much.

Q x

[rupertbare]

"Silly" oh no my dear Q - coming here and asking questions is part of daily life on this site. Do encourage him to come back - I'm In UK too (London).

I do so hope that the comments posted have been of some help to you in this confusing time.

Hope to catch up with you sometime in chat (if you go there).

With love to you and your husband - I hope it all works out well for you both.

Rupe :)

[pmg_ams01]

Dear Q,

I really admire your willingness to discuss the issues and share your feelings here. I'm bi and married to a wife who's not - however, in her case she sees it as "not her problem but mine to sort out". I'm so glad for you that you're taking a far more proactive approach to dealing with the situation. I can echo what ambi55mm said - I know the feelings of guilt, shame, denial and all the rest, and from what you say your husband's going through just the same.

So, if you can possibly get him to see that there are a lot of us out here in more or less the same boat, he really will find that there a lot of people who will give him support and encouragement to deal with his situation. I've had some really helpful advice, web links, reading material passed to me by members here. He might just find (like I have) that if he tries, it is easier to talk totally anonymously but openly, as a step to resolving whatever thoughts, confusion or doubts are in his head, than it is to discuss it with you directly. That's not to say you shouldn't deal with this directly with each other, but it may be a long path to being able to do so.

Similarly, as you'll have seen from the postings of Mrs F and Red Riding Hood and other such wonderful people on this site, you're not alone in this position. Wishing you both all the luck in the world in sorting this out together.

PMG

[Sparks]

Sweetheat, understanding your husband and his sexual desires is what makes you a wonderful woman. You're his wife, lover and companion. You're not his personal therapist. Ask him to join you in marriage therapy so that you can be free to express your emotions. He, as well, will be in a safe place to work things out, in a safe place.

Take charge on this issue and insist that he join you in the safety of the office. If he won't go, well, then I suggest you should go for just for you. We are always here to chat and help you in anyway that we can. There is, nevertheless, the comfort of a face to face sharing of your thoughts and feelings with a third party who's non biased. Take good care, angel.

Fred

[Long Duck Dong]

Qetesh

I am gonna address this from a bi male point of view

its very possible that your partner has a issue dealing with himself outside of the bedroom...sorta like he knows he can swing both ways but he struggles with the idea of what he does with males when he entertains the male attraction side of himself

its a bit like having the desire to have sex with a male, but the idea of doing that causing inner conflict

now if he is a *true*bisexual and that is a person that have the male/female emotions and dual personality... its gonna be a rough ride, cos no matter of counselling or talking will help him reconcil himself,

what basically happens is the female aspect desires the male company, but the male side fights the idea of sexual contact with a male....and knowing that his female side is sub ( you mentioned the strap on ) then his male side is dom... that means outside of the bedroom, his male side will fight the idea of him submitting to being dominated sexually....but in the bedroom, her female side gets very strong
now there is a reverse side to it too.... the male side during sex will seek to control the submitting... so he may bottom for you, as a female, but the male side is trying to control the way he is dominated

i know for me as a true bisexual, that I do not get release sexually with females using penetration, but i draw upon the emotions and use my tongue fingers and toys and indeed my male bits to pleasure the female and I am drawn to the idea of dominating her and often don't cum or cum by masturbation but with a male partner, I am submitting to them and desiring full intercourse with them... tho i can not enter them...as the female side of me fights it but the oragasms are faster and more intense

so in light of that... go with the idea that he talks to you openly in the bedroom but struggles with it outside of the bedroom.... and then try something like having a sex toy magazine open when he walks in and ask him about the toys, saying that you are interestig in different ones and allow him to open up and talk... it sometimes works it sometimes doesn't but the odds are that his female side will surface at some stage and he will open up