How do you handle your "straight" friends making homophobic comments/jokes?? [Archive]

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12voltman59

Jun 30, 2009, 1:43 PM

I know we have all had it happen----we are with our friends/relatives/co-workers, etc. who are hardcore straights, male and female, and the inevitable homophobic jokes/comments are started (by homophobic-I mean they say things that are against anyone not hetero).

Everyone laughs uproariously at those jokes/comments.

Do you stand up and say that making such comments are ignorant, outdated and just generally wrong and your friends/relatives/co-workers, etc. are a bunch of ignorant dolts (:bigrin:)---or do you just "put up and shut up?"

Cherokee_Mountaincat

Jun 30, 2009, 1:57 PM

Volty, I had to keep my mouth shut for so many years while with the Ex-husband. He was and Is horribly Homophobic. I know people do laugh at gay jokes but there comes a time when it gets old real quick..just like someone making sexual comments or innuendos all the time. In the work place I feel its inappropriate. If a person is offended by such talk for Any reason, then I feel something should be said to one of the higher-ups. I told one of our members recently to go to her Boss because someone was Constantly making Lesbian remarks and Gay jokes. She didnt have to 'out" herself, all she had to do was go mention to the boss that she was offended by the constant barrage of sexual comments in the work place. All of us have had at least One of these kids of individulas at one time or another...

Myself personally, I would make a remark to the person doing it like "Wow, you sure know alot about gay topics. Personal experiance talking?"
Or, if it got too be too much they would be told to shut the fuck up. (Depending on my phase of the moon of course) :rolleyes:

People are always going to make crass remarks about people that they feel are different than them, its gunna happen, we gotta expect it. But its up to us on how we Accept it and deal with it. :cool:
Cat

M. Wolfe

Jun 30, 2009, 1:58 PM

Most of jokes I hear are just my friends poking fun, and if it weren't bisexuality, it'd be something else, but it's just meant to be in jest so I dunno how I'd react to proper anti-homo/bisexual comments.

I do have one friend who when it comes up, calls me gay instead of bi and I have to keep reminding him that I'm not gay - that one really ticks me off.

berryhard

Jun 30, 2009, 2:39 PM

handle it the same way you would a racist joke. Would you shut up and pity them or stick your neck out and be judgemental ?
to be honest people are way too up tight. a joke is a joke. I'm scottish, people make jokes all the time about scotish people. I really don't get upset, if it is funny. You think black people had it hard, read a book about what the english did to the Scotts.
Just relax and enjoy being what u r. YOu really cannot change anyone and it really isn't your job to do so.

DiamondDog

Jun 30, 2009, 3:54 PM

Not that I'm Mr. PC and I do not get offended easily but if they're friends they wouldn't say hateful or mean things and sometimes I'll joke right back with them as I know a fair amount of jokes and some of them are funny. It doesn't bother me if someone thinks that I'm gay or assumes this about me.

Now with strangers, or if someone does the whole "That's so gay" thing to mean something is lame or stupid, I call them out on it.

cand86

Jun 30, 2009, 4:24 PM

I'm a big fan of repeating the punchline as an actual statement, along with a Jerri Blank-esque "that's hil-AR-ious!".

Like whenever I hear the disturbingly ubiquitous jokes about gay men and prison, or even just men and prison, I'll always interject with a deadpan "Oh yes, brutal gay male rape is hil-AR-ious!", followed by a soft smile.

It tends to shut everybody or at least sober the mood.

_Joe_

Jun 30, 2009, 4:37 PM

You just made me realize I need to make more friends and then hang out with them more to know how to answer this. Damn you!

Music Girl

Jun 30, 2009, 4:39 PM

Hey Volty!

Great question. I'm a teacher, so I'm used to hearing my students say rude things to each other. Basically, I don't allow name calling or rude remarks, period, end of statement. I hear "that's so gay" to mean dumb or stupid all the time from kids. I just tell them it's not appropriate. If they call someone names (I used to hear "fag" ALL the time), I stop them and make them give the person 3 compliments, and they can't be "I like your shoes." I know it sounds a bit lame, but it's amazing how it works. The kids get tired of having to think of 3 things they like about the person they are picking on, and they quit.

Now, when it comes to adults, it depends. If it's my friends joking with me, then it's not a big deal. They are playing, and I know they aren't trying to hurt me. If it's co-workers, that's a bit dicey, as I teach in an ultra-conservatvie district. But, usually if it's something they say out of ignorance, I say something. A few years ago, I went on a school trip with a co-worker. We took about 15 kids and 10 parents to NYC for a few days. Now, remember, we're in Texas, and most of these kids haven't been out of Texas ever. We were at Washington Square Park, relaxing for a bit, letting the kids run around, and 2 guys walked by holding hands. I was sitting with a parent (a co-worker as well), and I didn't say anything. I knew she would. She looked at me and said "Did you see that?" I told her I did, and she said "It doesn't bother you?" I said "Nope, my best friend is gay, and I was a Music major in college. I probably have more gay friends than straight friends." She looked bewildered, thought for a minute, and then said "hmm, I guess it's not something I've seen before." That was huge for someone from our town. Normally I think she would've made a rude comment.

Now, I know I didn't out myself. I'm just not ready for that, not here. But, maybe she learned something.

Oops, I've really been on a rant. Sorry about that. In general, I say something when I think people are purposely trying to be rude, because it's usually said out of pure ignorance.

Peace,

MG:flag4:

Falke

Jun 30, 2009, 5:19 PM

Eh, it's a joke. I take it as such, laugh, and move on.

conswala1987

Jun 30, 2009, 5:38 PM

hi im finding this also!
people making really rude remarks the silly things i let go , but if it really gets too me i have to say something i cant help it!
i was recently informed that gays bi's lez's and trans are actually suffering from a mental illness!....bet you didnt know that about yourselves! well as you can imagin this was not receaved well and i politly informed her there was nothing wrong with my mental health to which she replied 'oh! i didnt know you were one of them' so not only are we mentally ill but also by the way she made it sound part of some horrific cult well needless to say that is one girl i keep strictly to hi and bye lol its pure ignorance and stupidity!

Annika L

Jun 30, 2009, 5:40 PM

I think you have the quotes on the wrong word there...it should be:

How do you handle your straight "friends" making....

If they make hateful comments in a serious way, they are not true friends.

Sometimes it seems innocent or reflexive (e.g., "that is so gay"). Such remarks are not in the interest of the LGBT community, but the person almost certainly meant no harm. In that case I politely point out the association they are making (generally between gay and weird/stupid/otherwise bad) and the remarks are usually not repeated.

Some remarks are a bit more pointed, like implying or outright stating that Hillary Clinton must be a lesbian. I try to address these more directly: "you say that as if being a lesbian is bad"...and the remarks are usually not repeated.

I've never had an actual friend make a blatantly hateful remark such as "all queers should be blown off the face of the earth" (although I have heard such remarks from non-friends). If one did, or if in either of the above two cases, the person continued to make such remarks or jokes...well, if their friendship meant a lot to me, I would ask why they insist on running down the community to which I belong...if their friendship didn't mean that much, they would simply cease to be my friend.

lv69cpl69

Jun 30, 2009, 5:46 PM

A joke is a joke don't be thin skinned. (for most) joke tellers they are not trying to be mean or hurtful just funny. the P.C. thing (I think) gone way overboard. Blond, Polish, Black, white, red haeds tall, short thin fat , there are jokes about all of us If you can't laugh at your self YOU have a problem. People make jokes about my age and gut among other things but they are just jokes I don't take them to heart! :2cents:
ok a few do intend to be mean they are just stupid low lifes.

but then I keep my sex life to my self the only thing I tell anyone is It's GREAT and getting better. :male:1/2

Bi-Zarro

Jun 30, 2009, 5:54 PM

Do you stand up and say that making such comments are ignorant, outdated and just generally wrong and your friends/relatives/co-workers, etc. are a bunch of ignorant dolts (:bigrin:)---or do you just "put up and shut up?"

Punch them in the face.

(OK, maybe that isn't always an option, but that's what I'd certainly want to do.)

:flag3:

onewhocares

Jun 30, 2009, 6:56 PM

Like many of the content of the comments so far, I have noticed an increase in the "gay" comments that have been made. In the years since my husband has come out as bisexual...now ever more so gay, I take resentment in the comments made. I find the comments that are generally made are stereotypical and are not with merit. I try to be polite and take the opposite opinion of the one given hoping that the respondent might have some insight...some times it works.....most often...not. I guess I just tolerate injustice poorly and leap to the defense of those who are not there to represent themselves. God bless the person who gets on the wrong side of Belle....a wholly terror to injustice.

Belle

Jackal

Jun 30, 2009, 9:53 PM

It depends not how the comment or joke is presented. We tell racist jokes all the time, but the joke is intended to be a jab at the absurdity of racism and how people think or just how terrible the joke is. But its never meant with sincerity, it doesn't reflect how they think of the group in question. Some times some of my friends say things that are a little off color but I just deal with it. The world needs change but it does not need more 'super gays' who fly off the handle at everything. Now if someone says something real and genuinely bigoted, I think about whether or not it would be appropriate or helpful to say something and whether or not to say something seriously or phrase it n the form of a 'shut the fuck up' joke. If my friends really said heinous shit against GLBT or anyone else for that matter (I get to be a lot of people's "black friend" btw) I wouldn't be around them.

richarddennis

Jul 1, 2009, 11:21 AM

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Re: How do you handle your "straight" friends making homophobic comments/jokes??
Quote:
Originally Posted by 12voltman59 View Post
Do you stand up and say that making such comments are ignorant, outdated and just generally wrong and your friends/relatives/co-workers, etc. are a bunch of ignorant dolts ()---or do you just "put up and shut up?"
Punch them in the face.

(OK, maybe that isn't always an option, but that's what I'd certainly want to do.)

Brute force, get real..you gonna hit everyone that you disagree with? Calm down!

Thinking we can "change" anyone is naive. We can only regulate our own attitude, the rest is pure whimsy!

jamiehue

Jul 1, 2009, 11:49 AM

Well.......im too busy for all that if the person keeps on though and if hes cute i invision another closet case dying to be heard maybe i can help...

evilpanda

Jul 1, 2009, 11:56 AM

a good tactic, especially when people make jokes in public, is to point out that this is 2009, nearing the end of the first decade of the 21st century.

An idiot in a bar says "Tony Romo's a homo!" like it's the funniest thing ever, trying to get laughs from the chick on his arm or his dumbass buddies.

"Homo?! Jesus Christ, it's 2000-fucking-9. Who the fuck uses 'homo' anymore? Is that Royale-with-Cheese bit still funny to you, too?"

That works pretty well, people may not care about others' feelings or tolerance in general, but they blush bright red when accused of being out of touch with pop culture. And, with good reason. Certain forms of gay jokes are as 20th century as "Run, Forrest, Run" and "I'm the King of the World."

Lisa (va)

Jul 1, 2009, 11:58 AM

Me, I just laugh (if it's funny).

There is a huge difference between making fun and trying to degrade someone: fortunately I am well at ease with who I am. I don't think because a straight friend makes a joke makes it any more worse than if a bi or gay friend makes the same joke.

One thing I do like about myself is the ability to laugh at myself. I appreciate ALL my friends being able to be totally themselves when talking or telling jokes.

Lisa

hugs n kisses

rissababynta

Jul 1, 2009, 12:05 PM

diB4u

Jul 1, 2009, 12:26 PM

Well it all depends, personally if its a joke its a joke...if its done with harmful intent then its not this its harrasment.

IF i got upset with all the fat jokes i've heard i wouldnt like anyy comedians.

ITs called a thick skin. Maybe also a little less poltically correct.:eek:

Meh i dont know.

jeancarleo

Jul 1, 2009, 3:10 PM

we always laugh at all the jokes as long as the joke's not on us, lol

12voltman59

Jul 1, 2009, 3:44 PM

I do always wonder what the deal is with those guys who try to be hyper-macho/hetero---they seem to get lots of ladies (or are constantly trying to get the ladies) or are they married and might be seeing other ladies outside their marriages----it seems many of these guys are the ones who really make the homophobic jokes/comments almost to the point of obsession----I think with them---it might be a case of "he who protest too much....!!!" LOL

It always made me wonder that since they have so many ladies and all--why the hell be so concerned with "what the faggots" are doing?? (as these types of guys always call gay men)--if they are such hyper macho, secure in their heterosexuality kinda guys---why would they even give even one thought to fact the gay men even exist--let alone what they do??---gay men would sure would not pose any sort of threat to such a hyper straight guy!!!!

jeancarleo

Jul 1, 2009, 3:55 PM

I bet this kind of men u say volty are curious but afraid of admiting to themselves

pelokwin

Jul 1, 2009, 4:32 PM

Hey Volt, hey everyone else, this is a reply to the first post in this thread.
First off I HATE "PC", that whole idea breeds liars, hiders and weakness. You cannot force people to act a certain way around others without them hiding their true feelings, what is a hurtful remark to one person, is un-sugarcoated truth to another. In a PC world you NEVER truly know how someone feels do you? Trying to pick and choose my words in a discussion gives me a headache. And then "running to the higher ups" and stating that the way someone was talking about someone else was wrong? What are we in grade school? Billy pulled my hair! Jane is a tattle tail!
I work with about 20 people; I am the only, black (yes "BLACK" not Afro-American, person of African descent, person of color or any African-ness title. Just calling me American would be best), bi/gay (that I know of), freak, and I am one of four natural born Americans, (1 of 5 Americans total). The rest are south/central American's, French, and Filipino. Now guess how much crap goes back and forth between us on a regular basis? A lot, and we just have to deal with it because it is all based on opinion and observation. Latino's do not have a PC code, the French speak their minds, and damn it so do I. If some one says something that hurts another's feeling, for example I made a "mother joke", you know "Yo mama is so...., anyway, Latinos do not joke about mothers and one of them told me, so out of "RESPECT" I give fair warning that what I am about to say may offend. They did not run to a Sup. and cry fowl, they just told me. They respect my right to free speech and I respect their right not to be offended.
Sorry I got a bit off topic, but my point is EVERYBODY is different, either by being born different or choosing to be. So there will always be a joke that will offend one out of a group. I say "deal", it will grow you a thicker skin, I was born black, proud of it, and somebody making a "black joke" will not make me any less proud. If you are gay and some one calls you a fag, so what, now you know where they stand, and you can hit on them in the bathroom and make them feel as uncomfortable as they tried to make you. If someone is MADE to hide his or her true feelings then when, say it is your manager, you get a bad evaluation how do you not know it was not a prejudice-based decision? Most of my friends know I am bi, the few that do not make gay jokes from time to time. That is just insecurity talking, and it will always be there. I know they feel weird about homosexuality so, I keep it to myself and keep a good friend. No good friends do not have to be on the same side of every topic.
Sorry to be so long winded.

meteast chick

Jul 1, 2009, 9:05 PM

I don't have any friends or family, gay or straight, that make homophobic comments. If they did, I think I'd have one of those 'ahem...(cough)...I am gay" retorts. If that didn't work, I'd remind them that friends don't offend other friends.

So far I haven't come across much homophobia at all, aside from my sister, who doesn't seem very concerned about my sexuality when I'm alone, but when confronted just by the idea of any girlfriend I've ever had, shivers at the thought, and has said she thinks she may be a homophobe. I don't think so, so I keep a-hammerin' away at her small town thinkin'.

I was at Pride this weekend, however, when my girl and I were walking along after the parade and we somehow got talking to the gay man (Steve) walking beside us. He mentioned that we were so cute together we'd have some damn cute kids. I mentioned that I already had kids, of which he said "the old turkey baster huh?". This from a gay man. I think he thought he was being funny, so I just gave him one of those faces and said no, I made them the old-fashioned way then destroyed my ex-husbands masculinity when I announced I was jumping the fence.

luv and kisses,
xoxoxoxoxoxox
meteast

Annika L

Jul 1, 2009, 9:44 PM

5. Homo is just the latin word for 'man'.

Actually, Tom, in the context of homosexuality, "homo" is a Greek root meaning "same".

Doggiestyle

Jul 2, 2009, 12:21 AM

Hey Voltman, why would you get upset if others make sport of the homos? It dosen't bother me at all if somebody makes homo jokes around me and as a matter of fact, sometimes I join in with my own homo jokes too. Cause i'me not ashamed of myself, or what I pleasure myself with. I can tell you that (my experience) if you start makin dirty hetro jokes. Everbody will shut up & leave, change subject, ETC but it gotta be a good one though. :rolleyes: I have said before, when it all got started, to just put your arm around them and say something like "I just get so excited when you talk forceful & dirty to me".

All this brings me to say something like.

Sticks & stones may break my bones, But whips & chains excite me. :tong:

Thats all. Your friend, :doggie:......:bipride:

Miehm

Jul 2, 2009, 10:14 AM

How do you get three gay guys on a bar stool? Turn it upside down.

I like gay jokes. I like lesbian jokes. I like jokes, period. My only complaint is that there aren't any really good bi jokes, which leaves me stuck out in the cold. The key is to not give a damn what other people think, if the joke is funny, even if it's crude or insensitive(which are both things I've been accused of, funny that), I laugh.

Then why do we have a separate word for lesbian?

Because Homosexual applies to all of us to some degree. Gay is the counterpart to Lesbian, not Homosexual.

Biboz49

Jul 2, 2009, 3:29 PM

swag85

Jul 2, 2009, 10:57 PM

at work i usually suck it up. for the longest time i worked construction. and its like every other word, is this is gay, or look at that fag. i just sucked it up for the most part. fearing i would be outcasted. untill one day there was a very flamboyanty gay man. and an old plumber said to him, "why the hell do you dance around and act like that? no normal people act like that. we dont need your kind around here, you F-ing faggot"
he didnt say much but you could see the hurt in his eyes. he was a great plumber, and i had alot of great days working with him. so i spoke up. told the old fart to shut his mouth we dont need his homophobic kind on the job site. and then he said, "what are you one of those fairys too?"
i said, no, im a guy that loves women, but when im done with the women, ill cum for you too you big bear!"
i actually got a clap from a couple of the people around, and the old fart went home for the day. after that i got a bit of flac from a couple people. but it was mostly ok.

my friends arnt really the type to say anything negative about homosexuals. and really a funny joke is a funny joke. but i dont like the ignorance. and my family is very different. so there would probally be a few of us that would get angry if grampa made an ignorant comment. he dosnt do that anymore!! LOL

a joke is a joke, but ignorance is uncalled for!

Herbwoman39

Jul 2, 2009, 11:01 PM

People tell me I should have a sense of humor about those kinds of things, but I just don't. I tend to be extremely defensive and will tell people that comments like that aren't appreciated. Usually through clenched teeth. And then I'll tell them that I'm Bi. Which usually shuts them right the hell up.

IF I had friends like that, which I don't, I simply wouldn't hang out with them any more. My tolerance for what *I* perceive as prejudice is extraordinarily low.

Part of my reaction is fear based. Yes I live in a little town where nothing ever happens. BUT the LGBT community is pretty closeted, too so there really isn't much solidarity here. I hear or read stories regularly about violence against LGBT people and part of me wonders that if these people can say hateful, prejudiced things masked as "humor", what else are they capable of? Back when I was just starting to come out things like that scared me right back into the closet.