G/f wants an open relationship...

[Lexi>>]

Hi everyone. Im Lexi and I really need your help with something. This is my first post and Im sorry that its going to be so long for my first one. Im just trying to get all these thoughts out of my head so Im sorry this is probably gonna be all over the place. So here it goes...

My g/f Amy and I both are bi and we have been together for nearly 2 years. We started as friends and for the first few months we were just 'having' fun until, well, we fell in love. Im 26 and Amy is the first woman Ive ever been in a relationship with (and vice versa) and to be honest Ive never felt this happy or loved in my life.
The thing is no one knows about my sexuality and Amy and I dont want anyone to know. She says she wants to get married etc and theres no point in telling everyone if shes just going to end up with a guy. Even though shes with me she says she has no intentions of ever being with another woman. My excuse is that everyone will be horrified if they knew the truth. Sorry Im kinda babbling a bit here...

Anyway the other day she says that she misses men and she wants an open relationship. Because I love her I want her to be happy but I dont think I can do that.
When we first got together it wasnt serious, so she was still seeing guys (mainly one night stands) and it didnt bother me, but the more time we spent together the more I hated the idea of her seeing other guys (I just want to add that I havnt been with anyone else- male or female- since Ive been with her). Sorry Im trying to and make this post as short as possible.

Because she wants to one day get married to a guy she suggested a while ago we only go out with guys if we think they mite be 'the one' aka no meaningless sex. Well that started to go ok until we went out drinking and she had a one night stand and I was left angry, confused, hurt, blah blah blah and because no one knows about us I couldnt talk to anyone and I felt so alone. Anyway she knew she did wrong and begged for me to forgive her and everythings been great since but now she wants me to give her the ok to start seeing guys again "but ONLY if it could lead to something serious".

I guess what Im trying to ask is what do I do? Should I agree to an open relationship? We live together so its going to be so hard seeing her with someone else (and no neither of us want a 3some). I feel like Im denying her of her chance to get married and have kids etc but I want to spend the rest of my life with her and I know in a way she does too but I dont see that ever happening because she cares too much about what other people think especially her parents.
Im so confused! I feel so emotionally drained and Im so tired and I just need someone to give me some advice no matter what it is.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and I hope it makes some kind of sense

[welickit]

This is not what you want to hear, but it is based on experience. You need to get away from each other. Not for a day or a week but for an extended period of time.
If you love something let it go. If it comes back to you then it is yours. If it doesn't, then it never really was.
:2cents:

[littlerayofsunshine]

She has pretty much told you what she wants and showed you through her actions. So listen to her. From the way if sounds she wants men, you don't want men at the moment you want just her, she wants you, just not as you want her.. So she could not be monogamous to you if that is what you are seeking. So it looks like it soul searching time for you. What do you ultimately want, if its her, can she give you what you need???.... if not..... what would you rather do????


I wish you both the best because it seems you both have good intentions and a great caring for each other.

[bityme]

I have to agree with Welickit. The two of you currently have completely different needs. You don't want to stay in the closet and you want a monogamous relationship with her. She wants to keep your relationship secret and at the same time search for a husband (eventually pushing you out of a continuing 24/7 relationship).

Don't walk, RUN away. She is using you and tearing you apart.

Yes, she could change and come back to you, but the odds are that it will only be to play on the side.

Give yourself the freedom to find someone whose needs coincide with yours and who want to be with you only. From what you have said, you seem to be someone who would fit best in a one-on-one relationship with no visitors.

Best of luck.

[Lexi>>]

Thanks for your feedback guys. I understand where you're all coming from when you say to get out of the relationship but its too damn hard. I love her so much and I know she loves me.
You probably think Im delusional but I know she would never do anything to intentionally hurt me. Before she was my girlfriend she was my BEST friend and she still is. Her parents consider me their adopted daughter and Im pretty sure her Grandma loves me more than her own grandkids.
Its too hard to walk away from this (especially since we live together!).
Shes so honest about everything she'd never do anything behind my back and when we came close to breaking up she cried for ages and begged for me to stay with her.
Its really hard to portray someone when you can only write it down on 'paper' but shes not the kind of person you obviously think she is. Today she actually said she'd come out to her parents if thats what I wanted.
I cant see myself with anyone else and I know in a way she feels the same too. We've even made jokes about if she gets married I'll move into the guest room.
I think that if she started seeing guys she will always come back to me (I know delusional again). She has already chosen me over a boyfriend once when she was dating this guy (this was when we first got together and were just having fun).
So I guess Ive come to the decision of letting her go. Like you said Welickit, if shes mine she'll come back to me.
Thanks again for all of your advice xo

[KITTY7527]

Chin up chick........................everything will turn for the best :bigrin:

[welickit]

Keep us posted and remember we are all here if you need to blow off steam. We may not say what you want to hear but I think everyone on the site offers input intended to guide you.
Good Luck

[KITTY7527]

Very well said :)

[angiebi6]

Lexi
It takes two to make a relationship. I've been there. you can't make your lover feel the same things you do. shes a separate person wiht her own thoughts and goals. You've given her your heart and soul. My saving grace when i was in a situation similar to yours was profession help. I found a caring and understanding psycoligist who helped me to see what was happening. love isnt supposed to hurt .

[Domino N]

Well i know exactly how you feel because the same thing happened to me, me and my best friend fell in love and she was the first girl i'd ever been with (and vice versa) and it was really difficult but we were together for about a year

The difference is i was the one who said i only really wanted to be with men and we should break up but i couldnt do it cause i needed her so much but i just didnt realise. Eventually some guy asked her out and she said yes cause she thought i didnt want her.
And it absolutely killed me, the jealousy drove me crazy and i felt so empty. Being apart from her realised how much i loved her and needed her and i did whatever i could to get her back.

So i think maybe that if you let her go she'll realise what she's missing and realise that she really only wants you, especially as she's come begging for you before and said she'd come out to her parents for you. and if that doesnt work then maybe it just wasnt meant to be.

sorry for the long post, i hope it was helpful :)
xx