Anal help

[siraussietosser]

Ok so after almost 6 years together, my girlfriend has managed to come to terms with the idea of anal sex and that it is not as taboo as she first thought.

And now after foreplay, rubbing & rimming she really enjoys the feeling and would like to try anal sex.

BUT although I would really like to try it, I don't want to hurt her. We have tried before, and although I went slow and was carefull, her mind was not in it and it hurt her. NOW 2 years later we have tried again, but I have told her that I will not try to insert my penis until she is able to take 1 or two fingers. And she has agreed.

Anyhow to make a long story short, I bought some anal toys, a small butt plug and a small set of anal beads, and I spend alot of time rubbing her anus while masturbating her, or during sex. And after a few weeks of this I still can only get my little finger up there to my knuckle before she starts to hurt.

I am not forsing her to do this, she wants to and does enjoy the pleasure cause from anal play, but she gets disappointed when she has too stop, and finds that she feels uncomfortable using her own fingers in her anus. And I feel bad that I cant help her enjoy this experience more.

She pleasures me analy, with her fingers and every now and then a toy or two. And I try to explain how it feels for me, and how it felt when I first started, but I did not have the trouble she has had.

Please can someone give me some advice please????

PS. My penis is not huge, see my pics, so any info on how to experience pleasurable anal sex is most welcome.

[Woody]

Sure toys and your fingers might be easing her into it but maybe she should be trying to take your penis with lots of lube at her own pace,with lots of encouragement from you.Toys to me feel completely different and while my wife and I enjoy having some fun with toys now and then nothing compares to inserting what a guy is born with.

[searchingbrian]

I think you have three possiblities:

1. Accept the fact that she (for whatever reason) doesn't enjoy anal sex and go on to something else

2. Investigate with a doctor (?gynecologist) if she has a physical problem: some people have chronic tears that do cause very significant pain. Some also have spasms of the muscle which even require surgery. If this is the case, then something might need to be done. If this is not the case and she still really WANTS to proceed, I would suggest going to #3.

3. Get some anesthetic lubricants. These numb the surface of the passageway and will dull any sensation. Then start slowly with a single finger, two, and then three. ONLY when she can accomodate three would I try use anything else. IF you start with your penis, I guarantee you will cause significant pain and the whole things will be only a memory. Finally, if she can then get to the point with these lubricants that you can insert your penis (I would use a condom or else you won't feel anything either!! LOL). and she actually enjoys it and has pleasant experiences, THEN you may not need the anesthetic type anymore.

Just a suggestion.

Brian

[baresit]

This is what I have found to be true. Maybe not with you, but for me is is the way. A well lubed cock VERY slowly massaging the opening has worked for me. Have been told, 'the real thing' is better than toys and fingers. From personal experience, being bi, I've found the same. It will accomodate a penis quite easily and quickly. After all, conider the size of your penis and what the hole was meant for.
Also.. instead of just 'allowing' in penetration.. have here 'constrict' her spincter muscle.. again, speak from experience.. a doctor told me this when giving me a rectal exam.. and, it does work. Much less pain. And I have used this procedure with my buddy.. he's 8+ and fat.. works great!

[bigregory]

Glass of wine, some candles and LUBE LUBE LUBE
Best of luck. :wiggle2:

[curiousbigdude]

The problem is she may be TRYING to relax, but unintentionally doing the wrong thing.

Tell her to bear down when you begin to insert your finger, like she's trying to have a bowel movement. That is the best way for her to relax her muscles and will allow your finger (or whatever else) to slide in easier. Have her continue to bear down as you slide your finger in and out, and as should go without saying, use LOTS and LOTS of lube.

If she's worried that she will actually have a bowel movement, see if she's open to the idea of an enema beforehand to minimize the chances of that happening.

Good luck, and let us know how things work out.

[siraussietosser]

Thanks for the tips, I will let you know how we go.

[smokey]

I have always favored a blend of long rimming, slow fingering, regular foreplay and in the middle of it all a full body warmed oil massage...a nice deep massage that leaves no inch of her body unoiled...then when she is really relaxed and throughly lubed while slowly massaging her back easy it in...relaxation is the key.

[Sparky]

One thing I have found that is not mentioned here which helps a lot for relaxation, even if you can only get a finger in up to the first knuckle. Circular massage. As everyone says, lots of lube, but after you have massaged and licked and rubbed on the outside and cood sweet nothings, when you slip your lubed finger in her begin to rotate it ever so slightly in a circular fashion, like drawing a small "O". As things loosen up, the "O" you are drawing will gradually become larger. And it is an internal massage, so do it slow. This may be all you do the first time, or even the second or third, but it is gentle and can be comforting and feels great without feeling like you're trying to stick something in her.

Works for me!
Sparky

[searchingbrian]

I think that all the suggestions here are helpful but they basicall say the same thing: lube it (or loose it!! LOL)

But seriously, NONE of these suggestions take into account that there is a BIG psychological component to the initial experience and this flavors (so to speak) the entire process for the rest of her life. "Just lube it" like "Just do it" in the Nike commercial is a little too simplistic. If she is apprehensive about it AT ALL, there are alot of subconscious things that happen, including spasm of the spincter muscle. I strongly disagree with baresit to have her "constrict" her sphincter as this will usually increase the pain in an anal novice.

The best way to get her to totally relax is either the method I outlined above with anesthetic so she won't feel pain and therefore enjoy and relax (this is what can be done medically to insert rather large objects into the anus without pain) or use the whole body approach as suggested by BiGreg = alcohol!! That also might do the trick (both along with lots of lube, of course)

Good Luck!!

[innaminka]

But seriously, NONE of these suggestions take into account that there is a BIG psychological component to the initial experience and this flavors (so to speak) the entire process for the rest of her life. "Just lube it" like "Just do it" in the Nike commercial is a little too simplistic. If she is apprehensive about it AT ALL, there are alot of subconscious things that happen, including spasm of the spincter muscle. I strongly disagree with baresit to have her "constrict" her sphincter as this will usually increase the pain in an anal novice.



Absolutely correct. She may say she wants to experience anal and to please you, but there's also the fact that at the back of her brain is a little message saying "don't, it's dirty, you poo there" etc etc.
Most of us have had that message well and truly impressed on us from infancy as part of our potty training.
OK, for some people, we can overcome that taboo, and enjoy the ensuing sensations - for others, even tho its completely subconscious, the rejection is there.

You are obviously a considerate lover and not forcing the issue, as this may only reinforce her feelings.
As someone said, it may be time to move on.

Another point - I am against the anaesthetic lubes. That part has too many delicate tissues. She must be able to feel if something is wrong.

[moonlitwish]

I agree with innaminka....anethestics are a bad idea...I suffered a bit of an ass ripping the first time my hubby and I did anal and I may never have known if I had used those.... Alcohol is good....works for everything I think,lol

[m.in.heels&hose]

i have to agree with greg on this one
i was going to say the same thing, but i was beat to the (proverbial) punch
so i will just reiterate

relax, and LUBRICATION,LUBRICATION,LUBRICATION


aand its good that you are not forcing her, that way she will more than likely be more willing to engage in anal play


good luck
m.in.heels&hose

[Driver 8]

There's an excellent book called Anal Pleasure and Health (the author is a doctor.) He has a step-by-step program that he says is both good for people who want to enjoy anal sex, and for people with anal health problems like hemorrhoids.

For example, he recommends doing some exercises alone before you do them with a partner: becoming more aware of sensation in your anal area by touching it while looking in a mirror, taking hot baths, et cetera; becoming aware of tension in your anus, and learning to relax; and connecting with the sexual feelings from the area. I really do recommend the book.

[jamie63]

Hi folks!

an excellent way i've found with ex g/f's is whilst going down on them and giving them plenty of oral is to have your thumb gently rubbing the clit, have one or two fingers in her puss - remember, your still giving her a good licking too, and then to wet or lube your small finger and to gently probe her ass.

If she gives you the 'right signs' then gently insert more of your finger in her - she'll soon tell you to stop if it hurts! Be gentle, and go slow. If she wants to continue, then you can try using both your small fingers (of one hand) at the same time & remember to keep 'eating' her out!!

jamie

[DGoncz]

I like jamie63's notion of overall stimulation, but find it too manual. I kiss and lick my partners from front to back, more overall as they open up. I start with just the gentlest, non threating peck, and let them guide me, and I tell them in different ways at different times that I want them to feel loose as a goose from navel to tailbone. This is only fun if partner has had a shower, or preferably, a nice soapy bath, with attention to all these areas.

In a mindfulness group at our community mental health center, we'd begin each 1 1/2 hour session with tensioning and relaxing various muscle groups. It's not necessary to exhaust a muscle to relax it. The technique works particularly well if, instead of suddenly tensing and relaxing, increments or smooth progression can be achieved, establishing control. Control of tension and anxiety.

And control is the key. I find in my own anal pleasuring that I always feel some drama is happening, and that it is related to having and to giving up control. I believe it is the drama that is the source of fun, not the activity as much as the process.

We didn't work on our pelvic tension as much as we might have in another group. After all, this was a mindfulness group, and some of us had been traumatized, and we all needed to feel safe. It wasn't so much about releasing trauma as finding a head space.

Safety, comfort, and fun are my watchwords for social and sexual play; build your mountain in that order to reach the highest peak. Anal safety means no fingernails protruding; cut and filed short and smooth. Anal comfort may mean an anesthetic, but probably means the right lube. Anal fun is what you get when you've built safety and comfort.

[searchingbrian]

I agree with innaminka....anethestics are a bad idea...I suffered a bit of an ass ripping the first time my hubby and I did anal and I may never have known if I had used those.... Alcohol is good....works for everything I think,lol

anethestics are not inherently bad. most injuries occur because the receiving person is not relaxed enough. pain makes the muscles spasm and that makes it worse. but whatever works is good. If someone really wants to participate but repeatedly can't because of pain even with the smallest of "probes" as I said before, this is because there is something physically wrong or there is unconscious spasm of the muscles.

I think we have exhausted this thread.............