When to reveal? And introduction

[onceinalifetime]

Hi folks,

I'm new here, this is my first post.

The main reason I'm posting is to ask your advice about how and when to reveal your orientation and history to someone you're dating. I'm sure it's a pretty common question, but I'd love to hear your opinions...

I've posted a few online ads, where I haven't yet mentioned being bi. I'm also going to be going out on a date with someone I met "offline." I'm a guy and the other person is a girl. I'm wondering how I should discuss my orientation... I know that the topic of past relationships is going to come up eventually. I don't want to lie, and I don't want to be too evasive and have to hide who I am forever--the other person does have a right to know--but I also don't know whether it's something I should announce before they even have a chance to get to know me.

As I'm sure it is with many of us, my past is a little unusual and complicated. Until I was about 20, I considered myself straight... I might have had a few stray thoughts about guys, but no real interest that I was aware of. However, I never had much success with girls... only really had one brief relationship (and I still have never had sex with a woman).

Late in college and after, I started feeling an interest in guys. I had a couple of online "romances", dated a couple of guys, and had one relationship that I would consider semi-serious, although it didn't last too long, but we did have sex. During this whole time I was very confused about my orientation. For most of it I was pretty sure I was still interested in women... even told a few friends I was bi, and others that I was "flexible", etc. During the time I was with my ex-boyfriend I decided that I must be gay, and came out to my parents... which I now regret--not because there's anything wrong with being gay, but I just don't think I am, and it's going to be even more complicated trying to come out as something else.

Anyway, in the last couple of years (I'm in my early 30s now) I've rediscovered my interest in women. I've found myself having crushes on several ladies I know, and finally got up the courage to put up some personals ads and now to try dating this girl, give it a shot and see where things go. Honestly I don't know what to call myself now, "bisexual" seems like the most convenient, but I guess I'm still confused. What I think I want now is a long-term monogamous relationship with a woman. But my sexuality has changed before, and it's possible it will change again.

This all just seems like SO much to have to explain to anyone... in our society where bi's still aren't fully accepted, I wouldn't blame anyone for running away as soon as they heard that I've been with men (as well as my lack of relationship experience in general, which I'm sure will be a "red flag" for many people).

Anyway, THANK YOU to anyone who has read all of this so far. :) Just talking about it is helpful. If you have any advice as to how to deal with this, how to talk about it, how to find women who are accepting of bi men, I would love to hear it.

[littlerayofsunshine]

I honestly feel you should be pretty upfront about it. Not like "Hi how are you. I'm bi are you?" Type of upfront. But best to do it before trust and emotions get involved (Referring to your date that you met offline). In your personal ads you could state what you have stated here. That you have explored being bi, but you are interested in a monogamous with a woman and want to be honest up front. Women would respect that and the ones that would disapprove would stay away. And that is probably best in the end. You would more likely find a like minded understanding woman and could have good communication from the beginning. That way say for instance. You began having the desire for male you could be able to be open about it and she could talk with you/explore with you and it could potentially spice up things in the bedroom. Who know's? Anyway. Nice to meet you and welcome to our home :)

[FalconAngel]

Being up front about it is really the best way to go.

After all the worst way to say hello is with a deception.

[allbimyself]

My rule has always been that I won't sleep with someone until I've told them. Simply because if you can't trust a person enough to tell them, you probably shouldn't be having sex with them.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Hello and welcome to the family, Hon.
As many will tell you honesty is the best policy. I wouldnt just jump out there and go 'Yeah, I'm just like you, I love cock too" But I would let it be known IF the subject came up on the first date, that you are Bi-experianced.
You never know. Some women may have that whole Ewww factor going on, while another may go "OOoo! Really?? Yummy!"
Bottom line is (No pun intended) Just be true to you, and to a person you are dating, for honesty IS the best policy. ;)
Come see us in chat sometime.
Everybodys Cat

[onceinalifetime]

Thank you to everyone so far for the warm welcome and good advice. I will take it to heart. It's great to find such a kind, welcoming place. :)

[Falke]

Being up front about it is really the best way to go.

After all the worst way to say hello is with a deception.

/\ What he said.

[Papelucho]

It can hurt a lot more, but I prefer to be real from the get go. That way people are less inclined to believe I'm hiding something. If they have a problem, then it quite literally is their problem.
As for when to reveal- whenever you think it's appropriate. It's an insane balancing act, defending yourself without developing a severe streak of malice.
Don't get drawn into any of the head-games. Just be honorable and ethical at let that in itself carry you through this world. Other real people will be drawn to you. It's that easy.

Hope you find some of this helpful.

-Tom

This is really great advice. I'm not out to a lot of people that I want to be out to, and this goes along with what I've been thinking lately.