My wife and I are seperated 'cos I used this site!!??

[rupertbare]

As a good few of you know my marriage went into meltdown just before Christmas after I had posted a comment about having been in love with a guy and when my wife read it she just kinda freaked out.

I didn't see my youngest children at all at Christmas - thank God my eldest daughter stayed with me - I'd have gone a bit barmy without her (and probably done something "silly" - if you get my drift.).

Nor did I get to see my son for his thirteenth birthday.

To enable my wife to return and bring the children back I offered to leave the family home for a limited period (three weeks). Against ALL advice I did so - and guess what?? That's correct!! A case of clothes on the doorstep!!

I now have no contact with either my babies or my wife.

So my advice - be careful what you write!! lol!!! :)

Life is pretty crap at the moment for me - but I miss the site - so Happy New Year everybody!!

love and peace,

Rupe, London, UK.

[jo69guy]

Rupert, our thoughts, and prayers are with you. I know you are struggling right now, but hang in there. Things will get better with time. Just take it day by day, and always remember, you have many friends out here!


Tom :bipride:

[red_riding_hood_27]

I am sorry you are going thru this. I have to admit at I too was trying to understand my husband. But I don't know if I can ever be comfortable with him wanting a man . I wish you luck and that you two can work out something. At least an arrangement on living. My heart goes out to you.

Take Care
Angela

[nubiwoman]

Hey Rupe...

i've missed your presence here lately and have been wondering how all this was going for you....

i'm so very sad, though alas not surprised, to hear just how harrowing life has become for you lately

the only shred of comfort i can offer you is that you will not stay in this place, there will be some form of calm after this storm .... though not as soon as you would like, no doubt..

you know you have friends here hun... please use us..

with love and hope..... julie xx

[arana]

Rupert, I'm so very sorry for everything that you are going through. I know how much you love and treasure your children and can only imagine what you are going through without them.
I hope that this will not be a long term situation for you and that things will start picking up soon. You know we're all here for you whenever you need a shoulder or to take your mind off things.
Please give your daughter an extra special hug from us for standing by you!

Love and Peace

[Mrs.F]

Rupe, I'm so sorry! I too have wondered how things were going when you hadn't visited here in awhile. I was so hoping that she had let you back into their lives.

It took me awhile to come to terms with my husband's bisexuality. I was very threatened in the beginning. But what it boiled down to was the fact that I just plain didn't understand. I didn't need to fear him or his feelings. It's just so hard and confusing for all involved. I'm so sorry that you have not been able to see your kids.

Your in my prayers Rupe and I so hope things will calm down and you can reach a happy medium with your wife soon.

Mrs.F :angel: :grouphug:

[Mrs. Taz]

I am sooo sorry Ruper, want to let you know I/we are here for you and are glad to see you in chat. I want to also tell you we love you and you are in our thoughts and prayers. need a sholder or a hand, just come to one of us and we will help in anyway we can. Lots of love, hugs, and kisses your way Ruper. God Bless you.

[jasforjas]

Sorry - thats shitty - as it always is. :(

but in another sense your a lucky person, you now have the rest of your life to surround yourself with people who love you - all aspects of you - all the ways you love - no love is ever bad - who ever it is for, our babies our bf/gf our husbands and our wives.

Cheers

[SweetBlackAngel]

Awww, Rupert....I'm so sorry to read this. :( I'm sending peaceful vibes your way. Please take good care.

(((HUGS)))

[onewhocares]

Rupert,

Words can hardly express the sadness I have in my heart for you. Your concern and compassion for others is now being returned to you with both our thoughts and prayers. I know it may be hard for your wife to understand, but she must realize that your life experiances are part of the man she loves, and has always loved. You did not change who you are or who you have always been because you wrote a comment on a web site. As a wife of a man who did infact love his lover, it is a hard thing to hear. I know this is no concellation, but if I may in anyway be of help from one woman who has been in her shoes, know that I am here for you both.

Belle

[Lorcan]

Rupert, I am so sorry. I am still stunned by your story. Just because you loved someone in your past??? Oh.. oh.. I forgot... it was a MAN!

I cannot be a nice as every other person posting here, so I'll put a sock in it.

[rumple4skin]

Rupertbare,
I have only been visiting the site for a few weeks. In that time I have read many of the threads and posts on here. I have never been in the situation you are in but I just wanted to say that none of the posts I have read have toched me as much as the ones about the emotional rollercoaster you and your family are going through. I do believe that no matter what happens you will always have the love of your children and especially your proud daughter who is a shining example of love and understanding. My parents got seperated and then divorced. I am still close to both of them. I am sure that you will get through this one day at a time. I wish you and your family the best. I am very glad that your daughter stayed with you and that you did not do anything "silly". I hope to see you in the chat sometime soon and hope I have the chance to get to know you better.

love and peace,

rumple

[csrakate]

((((((((((((((((Rupert)))))))))))))))))

I so hoped that things would work out differently for you!! I am so very sorry that you have lost your family for now..but know one thing..and please try to believe it....You have done NOTHING wrong. You were being honest with yourself and trying to be honest with others. It is so very unfortunate that your wife reacted the way that she did..but as a wife of a bisexual man...I have to try and put myself in her place...and in some ways I do understand her fears. But that doesn't make her fears right...nor does it make it right for her to keep your kids from you...and by no means does it make it any easier for you!

You are a good man Rupert..and I would never condone anyone punishing you for your honesty. Be thankful for that daughter that stood by you...she is a jewel and you should be very proud of her. And I am very proud of you for standing by your convictions...and for wanting only the best for those around you. Don't lose your hope Rupert..things may settle down one day and perhaps you can once again re-establish the relationships with your kids.

My thoughts and prayers will be with you my friend...and don't ever hesitate to come to any of us for solace and support! We are here for you!!!!

Hugs,
Kate

[Driver 8]

Rupert, I'm so sorry to hear this. You have my complete sympathy and support.

[biron]

The main point about this thread is not just the heartbreaking sadness but that a comment made on here has led to this catastrophe.

There have been other couples who have encountered problems on this site for the same sort of reasons - some have discovered "secret lives" and others have even been "outed" because of it.

From another thread I know that Rupe has been "outed" by his wife because of this - and that must also be very emmotionally damaging and painful.

Rupe don't "do anything silly", by which I think you mean suicide, just ring the Samaritans or talk to a friend.

I pray that you find peace in all of this and can go on and have a long and fulfilling life and that you are able to re-establish contact with your children.

Biron.

[2ferinindy]

Rupe,
I've never gotten to talk with you in chat, but I've read many of your postings in the forum. I come here to this forum because though I am straight, my husband is bi, and i want to understand it better and support him all I can.You seem like a good guy and I really feel for you that your wife couldn't be more understanding. I wish someone could talk sense into her. Of all the things for a woman to freak over, that seems so pointless. I can't help but think you weren't even cheating, as my husband was. I hope you are doing okay, add me to the list of people who care and are willing to lend an ear if you need one.

[rupertbare]

THANKYOU THANKYOU THANKYOU ALL so very very much, from the bottom of my heart.

The "madness" of this situation gets worse day-by-day as my wife has decided to play "hard ball".

It now seems the whole thing will have to go through the courts for me to ever get a chance to see my children.

The silly thing is - my wife has always known I was a bisexual, and I have been totally faithful throughout our 15 and half year marriage.

I have had some very unhelpful thoughts in the last few days - but we have a "listening ear" in the UK called the Samaritans - you talk they listen - offer a few words - but it takes one's mind off of the thoughts.

With love to you all

Rupe :)

[arana]

THANKYOU THANKYOU THANKYOU ALL so very very much, from the bottom of my heart.

The "madness" of this situation gets worse day-by-day as my wife has decided to play "hard ball".

It now seems the whole thing will have to go through the courts for me to ever get a chance to see my children.

The silly thing is - my wife has always known I was a bisexual, and I have been totally faithful throughout our 15 and half year marriage.

I have had some very unhelpful thoughts in the last few days - but we have a "listening ear" in the UK called the Samaritans - you talk they listen - offer a few words - but it takes one's mind off of the thoughts.

With love to you all

Rupe :)
Rupert, couldn't this help your case??? You have ALWAYS thought of your family first and worried about how your wife would feel about certain things. You went through a rough patch last year on another situation where you worried about her feelings. She and your children NEVER lose their place in your priorities. All the hours you spend taking the kids to their recitals and classes. All these facts have to come into play when the courts decide things or it is a very unjust system. I hope that they see there is no way she has any merit for her case.

[rupertbare]

I do apologise to everyone in advance - this thread may become a little bit of a daily blog.

I am going to be very honest and open and will respond to any questions raised here.

Firstly: For the last ten years of my marriage I have been the victim of "Domestic Abuse". Emmotional torture - ever changing "goal posts" and both public and at family getherings, humiliation. My wife took over "control" of my life, and has isolated me from both friends and family members. Please understand that this is very difficult and painful to talk about - the realisation only came after my wife had left the family home at Christmas. There have also been many lies told and "secrets" about what has happened to members of my family.

Secondly: Under English Law (Scotland and Northern Ireland have different law systems), and in family matters, the law is weighted heavily in favour of the wife. For instance, when my wife disappeared with my youngest children, I called the Police to report that they had been abducted (we - that is my eldest daughter and I, had NO idea where they where or even if they were safe - my wife said that they were "The Three Musketeers" on an "adventure"). When the Police arrived and heard the facts we were informed that as there were no recorded legal injuctions to stop her doing so and no medical records to suggest that she may harm herself or our children she had every right to remove them from the family home and that as long as she was able to show that the children were safe to another Police force and Social Services I would only be informed of their safety. To get contact and to even find out where they were I would have to go through the courts and that this could take many, many months. On the other hand, if I did the same thing I would be arrested for abduction.

Thirdly: To enable my wife and children to return to the family home and "settle" back in (there was an "atmosphere") I agreed to leave for a set period of three weeks. I was to have daily contact and visits to my children. That lasted for just one week and then the "rules" began to change and in the end I only saw them for less than half of that time. When I went to return at the beginning of this week it was to find a bag with my clothes in it outside the door. Again, under English Law, I had left voluntarily (need spell checker!!??) and had made myself "homeless" with NO right to return to the family home if my wife objected. Again the only recourse is to the courts.

There is a website (mankind.org.uk) for male victims of Domestic Abuse (UK government approved and part funded) and if you care to take a look you find it is a sorry state of affairs for fathers under English law - I used it hoping for help and came away feeling very depressed.

Fourthly: Since November of last year my wife had been advicing two other women on how to get their partners thrown out of their family homes. My wife is very "up" on these laws. I left because I love my children and wanted them back in the home and, as it transpires rather foolishly, trusted my wife to stick to our agreement.

I've written this as an answer to some of the responses both on this thread and to PM's that I have received from some of you lovely folk out there.

I have recieved two lots of contradictory advice. One, on hearing the background, gave me the impression that the law would allow me back into my home. The other that I will only get "access" rights which may even be supervised by the courts if my wife asks, and that because I left the home I no longer have a right to be there. What ever happens my family will now be left in broken pieces.

Hope this helps you understand a little more about my situation.

Love and Peace

Rupe, London UK. (feeling islolated and fragile and a burden upon my older children - if you pray please do so for my whole family, but especially me "babies") :(

[nubiwoman]

Rupert,

I am shocked and disturbed, not only to hear how you have been so cruelly manipulated by the woman you clearly adore(d?) but also how the law in our country has so disgracefully let you down..

These are testing times for all of you, especially for you and your babies. My hope and prayers for you all is that you will never lose sight of hope and that justice WILL eventually prevail....

with love to you.... Julie x

[rupertbare]

Julie, odd as it may sound I do actually still love (and fancy like crazy) my wife - I don't, however, like her very much at the present time. lol!! :)

I do want to mention here, in public, a major concern.

I 'phoned our "Family" Social Worker - who it must be said is not very useful - at least when it comes to me - and it transpired that neither she nor ANY member of my family has actually seen or heard the voices of either of my youngest two children since Monday - they are not at school and have now been with my wife 24/7 for two whole weeks.

I feel my children NEED to be at school - they need peer contact and to be able to talk things over with their friends and, possibly, get another take on what's actually being happening in their precious little lives. They don't appear to attending "out-of-school" activities either. They are just with mummy - in her total control.

To be perfectly frank - I'm scared for their safety - my eldest son was promised (in front of a non-family member as a witness) that he could see them today - but she is now refusing to respond to voice mails or texts and is refusing to answer the door.

I should like to remind everyone that when my wife took the kids away the first time (beginning to mid December) she described the three of them as "The Three Musketeers on an Adventure" - this hardly sounds like the words or actions of a completely stable human being (I know that sounds harsh but that is how I feel about that particular incidence - please correct my view if you think I'm wrong).

Finally (and I hope I don't get flammed for this) I am a Christian - and I don't have a problem with being a bi-sexual at the same time!! But I know a few of you do pray and I should like your prayers for my whole family - including my elderly parents (Dad's 89 next month) - they are heartbroken by this and not eating or sleeping very well - they really don't need this stress.

So ........the Saga continues......

With Love and Peace (Fight Hate With Love)
from the UK

Rupe :)

[mistymockingbird]

Rupert,
We don't know each other but my heart is breaking for you. Hang in there. There are people that care and will do what they can to support you. Not much for prayer but will send good thoughts your way.

[APMountianMan]

Hi Rupert,

I certainly don't know you, but my heart goes out to you because I went through something similar. My ex-wife took my kids also. These are dark times for you, but I am happy to see that you are writing your feelings down and getting them out there. I do have a few words of advice and reflection:

1) You aren't separated because of this site. You are separated because your wife could not deal with truth. That is a hard pill to swallow, but it is one that, like for me, is good medicine. You were honest about your feelings, and faithful to your marriage and yet she sees that as wrong? Insane. She has the problem not you.

2) Although you have this community, and I encourage you to continue to use us and talk with us, this is a time when you need to have physical contact with the outside world. People matter. So get the support of an online friend near by and meet once a week at a coffee shop to chat, or meet with someone from your church to talk -- you don't have to talk about bisexuality or the marriage and kids, use this as a decompression time. You need that break. Don't stay home thinking of what could have been or what I should have done or if only...

3) Don't go alone to court. Ask a friend to go with you, if only to sit and be there when the session is ended. You will need support no matter what the outcome and the experience is always exhausting.

4) Remember Job. I say this looking back. I thought my life was over. Boy was I wrong! It was ugly. It was dark! But boy am I glad I lived through it, because if I hadn't I wouldn't know what true love is. It is always darkest before the dawn. So, keep the faith and look for the morning. Joy will come in the morning.



:cool:

[rupertbare]

:(
11am this morning I was in the middle of a lazy Saturday "late" shave when the door bell rang - I picked up the phone and after some chat it transpired that he was an Official Of The County Court with an injunctiona. I'm staying with my son and therefore this isn't an "official address" but the chap was asking for me by name so I kinda guessed what it was about, although, it must be said, I was still horrified.

(I should point out that this may affect my son's credit rating because the CCJ will recorded at this address with same surname.)

Immediately I started to descend the stairs (It's a five storey high penthouse duplex in the heart of Notting Hill) I went into shock but greeted the chap and told him I understood it was just "his job" and took the document and wished him well on his way.

Attached to the Injunction is, of course, a sworn statement by my wife. However, it contains inaccuracies, distortions, lack of background to specific incidences (here in the UK under English law it is reported as a "Domestic Violence" incident if you even shout at a partner in front of your children???!!! - Go figure!!), lies about events even where I have witnesses to support my view - which is in direct opposition to what she is claiming, and in one truly horrible and downright lie - that I was violent to her when I was an alcoholic.

Now I have readily admitted on this site to this problem - but the fact remains that I "gave up booze" by seeking for help from Alcolocis Anonymous within the first ten months of our marriage. We have been married for just over 15 and half years and I have NOT had a drink for over 14 of them! I can assure you all that I am not a violent person by nature and certainly don't" get off on it" - so I can also assure you that in the first three years or more of our marriage we were like rampant rabbits (again I have stated elsewhere how she is /was the BEST lover that I had ever had) and we were both deeply, deeply in love with each other. For her to claim that I was violent during this period it not only hurtful and untrue it is unthinkable and anyone that knew and observed us at that time would confirm it.
It is NOT a case of "what goes on behind closed doors" - violent acts lead to visible signs and other than a few "love bites" there was nothing!!!???

I'm going to post another page with a few details of what the Injunction requires.

This is all very heavy and I was having such fun on "Tickle Tests" - bit of a crap day really.

Your mate in the UK

Rupe :(

[rupertbare]

So, ok guys and gals - here we go - a few details of the injunction. (Bit long, I'm afraid)

1) The most terrifying detail is that runs for a year!

2) I am not allowed within 100metres of the family home.

3) I am not allowed within 10metres of either of the children's schools (a few of you will understand how particularily this one hurts - with my involvement with their school lives and the actual school - help out with day trips etc. - in the case of my youngest.

4) I must not use or threaten violence.

5) I must not instruct or encourage any other person should do.

6) I must not intimidate, harrass or pester my wife nor must I instruct, encourage or in any other way suggest that any other person should do so.

7) I've left this one to last because it has a bearing on the last post (about receiving the injuction this morning) - The court is satisfied that I have used or threatened violence against my wife and both of my children. It is this last point that is absolutely breaking my heart because of it's untruth - I am only thankful that the rest of my family including some-one who in UK law is "only" (Big hugs Proud Daughter) my step child - who will back me up to the hilt on this point. (Shouting at a wife in front of children is recorded as an act of "Domestic Violence" here in the UK - so I am guilty, in law, against my wife.

[COLOR=Red]If I break any of these conditions? - I will be arrested!!

So there we are.

I'm glad that I look upon this community of ours as something of an extended "cyber family".

Your mate in London, UK

Rupe :)

[rupertbare]

Sorry about sticking up yet another post - just wanted to thank mistymockingbird (and how I just LOVE that name!!) for her kind thoughts and
also to APMountainMan - I take your points and would like to clarify my situation.

I have a solicitor - she co-owns and set up this particular practice - it has it's offices opposite the offices of our UK newspaper "The Daily Mail" - and her speciality is UK Family Law - so I am in very safe hands as regards any court or legal needs.

Yours,

wishing Love and Peace to you and yours,

Rupe. :)

[concordguy]

Good luck to you. I went through a bad divorce several years ago and it was not fun. But thiings do work out. Just be patient. Sunshine always follows the rain. Just hang in there. God Bless and good Luck. Dan

[searchingbrian]

Rupert,
I don't think we have ever really chatted but I just read your thread this morning and I am extremely saddened. It is horrible that people do these things to each other, but the amazing thing is, people are strong and go on.
I have been through a very nasty divorce and was taken for a ride financially and with my son. This has affected me for years. I know how you feel about your children. It is totally unfair. I am glad to hear you have a slicitor (US = attorney) to help you. You will NEED help with the law and fighting back. I had one question: do you own your home (with or without your wife)? If so, you may have additional legal actions.

I can somewhat understand the initial anger your wife had even if she knew you were bisexual and faithful, if you didn't tell her about "loving" someone else, particularly a man, she might have felt betrayed. It also sounds like she may have had other expectations (?for years) that perhaps were not totally met, BUT her actions exceed all rationality. She is somehow suddenly afraid you will ?hurt your kids? The irony is that by removing you from their lives, SHE is the one who is hurting them. What does she tell them when they ask for Daddy? How cruel.

I too am praying for you and hoping you make it through this. I have never been able to understand how people could treat someone this way. Yes, NONE of us are perfect, but to react this way? I find it totally unacceptable, particularly when she is hiding behind the blind legal system!!

I know you will make it through this, Rupert. Not without scars and wisdom, but you will. I think that you can tell that everyone on this site is behind you and will support you in any way we can. Don't apologize for your postings, KEEP them coming: it is therapeutic and helps us understand your problems as well.

Take care.

[rupertbare]

Thankyou brian and concord - that sharing really helps, thanks.

Rupe

[Mrs.F]

Rupert, I really don't know what to say to you. My initial feelings reading all you have written was madness. I just don't understand how your wife can do this to you. Even though she thinks she is only hurting you, she is really hurting your children more. They are going to be the one's to suffer in the long run. At this point she is not even "thinking" of what she is doing to them. She is just out to hurt you anyway she can. This is what makes me mad. :mad:

I will pray for your babies and your parents and your wife...may she soon figure out that what she is doing is so unnessasary! I will pray for you..to continue on with your family here who loves you and supports you! :)

:angel: :grouphug: :angel:
Mrs.F

[proud daughter]

Hey rupe (aka daddy)
i am sorry that she has resorted to this. it is uncalled for and in general a blatent lie. however you have people to back you up. 3 older children (me included) who can honestly stand up and say that you have never shown any violence to either her or any of your kids.
i am with you all they way as you know, and while will hurt me to have to stand against my mum i know she is wrong and that all of this is unjustified.
she wont get away with it il make sure of that.
all my love daddy
and thanks to all who have offered him support here.

things will be ok.

proud daughter x

[rupertbare]

Ahhh baby that is so sweet and so very brave being as open about all of this mess I am being.

We must go into the chat room together some time

Love
daddyxxxxxxxxxxxxxx :bigrin:

[rupertbare]

Wednesday 15th February 2006. Just an update.

Well it's a very loooong month!!

I haven't spoken to or seen my youngest two children now since Monday the 6th February. This is the longest seperation period from them since their births.

As many of you already know, I was the primary carer for my very youngest since she was aged 6months.

The whole thing now looks it will only be resolved through the Family/Divorce courts and this is very sad.

I will not hold back from you my feelings - I am truly and deeply heartbroken and my mind is in a spin.

These are very testing and trying times.

I had a brief one line e-mail from my youngest yesterday. It made me both happy and also very tearful.

I will keep updating this thread as events unfold - I am in the hands of my wife's actions.

Thankyou all for your love and support.

Rupe.

[rumple4skin]

Rupe,
I am sorry you have not spoken to your youngest in so long. I am gald that you did get that email though. At least your youngest found a way to reach out to you. You have my love and support Rupe. You will get through these dark times. Especially with your "proud daughter" standing with you.

P.S. Proud daughter - If you are reading this ( and I bet you are :) )I admire you for standing with your dad. You are remarkable.