Indaco76
Apr 28, 2009, 3:20 PM
Hi everybody,
I've been lurking for a while and got an account here at bisexual.com a few days ago, and now I think the time has come for me to introduce myself.
I'm an Italian, almost 33 year old woman who's still practising defining herself as bisexual. I've been attracted to girls for as long as I remember, although for most of my life these feelings belonged more to the emotional sphere than to the physical one. This is why I convinced myself that my girl crushes were just intense friendships (although butterflies in my stomach and secret looks at their bodies should have made me think otherwise :bigrin:). With guys it was the opposite. Sexual attraction big time but almost no emotional attachment or romantic feelings. I had a few crushes but no relationship until my early twenties and I thought this was due to past sexual abuse (long painful story, done therapy and now I'm over it). At 21 I started a 10 year long relationship with a guy who defined himself bisexual. I was totally in love, but he wasn't as involved as me, at least in the beginning. The sex has always been a bit disappointing, but I was too in love to give it the importance it deserved. He never liked to do go down on me or masturbate me and was only interested in intercourse and in receiving oral and manual stimulation. I was not happy but accepted the situation due to my unresolved issues with men. That lasted a few years, until I met a guy I was attracted to and cheated on my boyfriend for a one-night-stand. I desperately needed someone who liked my body for what it was, but when the moment came I did not enjoy it very much and felt awful afterwards. So I confessed everything. He hated me for a while but somehow we managed to last for five more years. During that time we came in contact with a group of gays and lesbians and we both had our (unrevealed) crushes. He fell for guys and I noticed it but neither said anything about it. I fell head over heels for a girl and suffered in silence for two years (she was a b*tch anyway and played with my feelings a lot). Despite all this, we got married. I wanted it, he didn't in the first place but then agreed. After only a year I fell in love with the girl who is now my girlfriend. I know I should have known better right from the start, but I needed to go through all this and take the necessary steps when I was ready.
Now I'm living with my girl and we are happy together. I got separated and haven't seen my ex husband since then, because, despite finally admitting to himself and his friends that he isn't bisexual but totally gay, he still hates me for leaving him. I miss him a lot...
My current situation is the following: I love the woman I'm with and she loves me back, we have a very rich relationship and an intense chemistry at a physical level, one I'd never experienced before. We laugh a lot. She knows I'm bisexual and totally accepts it, although sometimes she's scared of losing me to a man (and I know all too well what it feels like).
The thing is, I personally find it VERY HARD to accept my bisexuality.
When I begun my current relationship, I thought "ok, this is my TRUE sexual orientation. I'm a lesbian". I find that this tipe of relationship is perfect for me emotionally and I like to do everything there is to do do a woman, sexually speaking, while I cannot say the same for sex acts with men. Giving blowjobs and handjobs doesn't really do much for me, except for the excitement that derives from giving pleasure, but I can live happily without them. And swallowing honestly makes me gag hard. I can't stand the texture of semen, while I absolutely ADORE my woman's juices :bigrin:
BUT there's a big "but"... I seriously miss penetration. And I mean penetration by a real penis, not just fingers. This is the only thing I truly miss about men. Not the relationship aspect, not their presence (I have male friends for that) or even their bodies, to a certain extent, although I'm still strongly attracted to them on that level. But penetration is what I've been craving for a while and it makes me feel bad towards my partner. We've timidly tried some role play and penetration with sex toys, and although she's a bit shy, she seems to like it very much. The point is, I judge myself very badly because of this and wonder if I will ever feel 100% complete sexually without turning to threesomes, which is something I'd prefer to avoid (very exciting fantasy but sounds too emotionally complicated in real life). I love my partner very much but somehow I know that this need will not go away. And I do want to make it work and last between us.
So, if you have any suggestions on how to deal with this, they'd be most welcome...
Thanks for reading and sorry for the very long post.
Hugs to all,
Indaco76
:flag2:
I've been lurking for a while and got an account here at bisexual.com a few days ago, and now I think the time has come for me to introduce myself.
I'm an Italian, almost 33 year old woman who's still practising defining herself as bisexual. I've been attracted to girls for as long as I remember, although for most of my life these feelings belonged more to the emotional sphere than to the physical one. This is why I convinced myself that my girl crushes were just intense friendships (although butterflies in my stomach and secret looks at their bodies should have made me think otherwise :bigrin:). With guys it was the opposite. Sexual attraction big time but almost no emotional attachment or romantic feelings. I had a few crushes but no relationship until my early twenties and I thought this was due to past sexual abuse (long painful story, done therapy and now I'm over it). At 21 I started a 10 year long relationship with a guy who defined himself bisexual. I was totally in love, but he wasn't as involved as me, at least in the beginning. The sex has always been a bit disappointing, but I was too in love to give it the importance it deserved. He never liked to do go down on me or masturbate me and was only interested in intercourse and in receiving oral and manual stimulation. I was not happy but accepted the situation due to my unresolved issues with men. That lasted a few years, until I met a guy I was attracted to and cheated on my boyfriend for a one-night-stand. I desperately needed someone who liked my body for what it was, but when the moment came I did not enjoy it very much and felt awful afterwards. So I confessed everything. He hated me for a while but somehow we managed to last for five more years. During that time we came in contact with a group of gays and lesbians and we both had our (unrevealed) crushes. He fell for guys and I noticed it but neither said anything about it. I fell head over heels for a girl and suffered in silence for two years (she was a b*tch anyway and played with my feelings a lot). Despite all this, we got married. I wanted it, he didn't in the first place but then agreed. After only a year I fell in love with the girl who is now my girlfriend. I know I should have known better right from the start, but I needed to go through all this and take the necessary steps when I was ready.
Now I'm living with my girl and we are happy together. I got separated and haven't seen my ex husband since then, because, despite finally admitting to himself and his friends that he isn't bisexual but totally gay, he still hates me for leaving him. I miss him a lot...
My current situation is the following: I love the woman I'm with and she loves me back, we have a very rich relationship and an intense chemistry at a physical level, one I'd never experienced before. We laugh a lot. She knows I'm bisexual and totally accepts it, although sometimes she's scared of losing me to a man (and I know all too well what it feels like).
The thing is, I personally find it VERY HARD to accept my bisexuality.
When I begun my current relationship, I thought "ok, this is my TRUE sexual orientation. I'm a lesbian". I find that this tipe of relationship is perfect for me emotionally and I like to do everything there is to do do a woman, sexually speaking, while I cannot say the same for sex acts with men. Giving blowjobs and handjobs doesn't really do much for me, except for the excitement that derives from giving pleasure, but I can live happily without them. And swallowing honestly makes me gag hard. I can't stand the texture of semen, while I absolutely ADORE my woman's juices :bigrin:
BUT there's a big "but"... I seriously miss penetration. And I mean penetration by a real penis, not just fingers. This is the only thing I truly miss about men. Not the relationship aspect, not their presence (I have male friends for that) or even their bodies, to a certain extent, although I'm still strongly attracted to them on that level. But penetration is what I've been craving for a while and it makes me feel bad towards my partner. We've timidly tried some role play and penetration with sex toys, and although she's a bit shy, she seems to like it very much. The point is, I judge myself very badly because of this and wonder if I will ever feel 100% complete sexually without turning to threesomes, which is something I'd prefer to avoid (very exciting fantasy but sounds too emotionally complicated in real life). I love my partner very much but somehow I know that this need will not go away. And I do want to make it work and last between us.
So, if you have any suggestions on how to deal with this, they'd be most welcome...
Thanks for reading and sorry for the very long post.
Hugs to all,
Indaco76
:flag2: