Broke-up Because I'm Bi

[veganbigmac]

Well I just broke up with my girlfriend of two and a half years. It was really rough because I've never been in a serious relationship before, and we broke up mainly because I am struggling with being bi. Not that she didn't know, I came out to her after we had been dating for a few months. I was really afraid because I had such strong feelings for her and I didn't want her to be upset with me. She was surprisingly OK with it, but completely turned off by male homosexuality, group sex, or anything else. That was fine with me I only wanted to be with her. I thought that that would be the end of it, but then a couple months ago I became extremely preoccupied with men. Now usually this would happen for a few days or a week or two and then I'd want nothing more than my girl. But this time was different, the feelings and thoughts wouldn't go away. I found myself being preoccupied at work, and having to fantasize to get off during sex. This was when I realized I had to end the relationship because I wasn't being fair to her, or myself. Well,it took me about three months to get my courage up to tell her that things weren't working and why. She was really understanding and told me she wished I would have just told her in the first place. So that brings me to here, where I am trying to sort out what my sexuality means to me.

I know I am bi, I've known that since I was twelve and I've been out for awhile now. But what concerns me isn't that I am attracted to members of both sexes, it's that I never seem to stay attracted to one sex for very long. Some times I'll want nothing but cock, and other times the opposite. I just wanted to know if anybody else out there has gone through something like this and if it's ever affected your relationships?

[bityme]

So that brings me to here, where I am trying to sort out what my sexuality means to me.

I know I am bi, I've known that since I was twelve and I've been out for awhile now. But what concerns me isn't that I am attracted to members of both sexes, it's that I never seem to stay attracted to one sex for very long. Some times I'll want nothing but cock, and other times the opposite. I just wanted to know if anybody else out there has gone through something like this and if it's ever affected your relationships?

I would say that you are experiencing some very normal desires. Anytime you attempt to suppress a desire, it will come back a some point and be stronger that normal.

I had two very long term marriages to women that were aware of and participated in bi activities (lost them both to cancer). Even though I maintained the marriages, there were times when I desired M2M contact more than making love to my wives.

I have come to the realization that I am equally attracted to men and women. Each satisfy a need that the other cannot. Now as a single, I satisfy those needs by being very active in several bisexual groups. Even now there are times when I prefer involvement with just the women or just the men, but most of the time that I attend a party, I get involved with both.

You did the right thing in letting her know that you did not feel right in continuing the relationship. You need someone who not only understands your needs, but is comfortable with your satisfying them. She doesn't necessarily have to participate, but it is really great if she does. Believe me, there are jewels like that out there. It just takes a little work to find them.

[Realist]

"Believe me, there are jewels like that out there. It just takes a little work to find them."

That is true, although I never thought I'd find a lady like that, I did!

I finally realized, after all this time, that the only person who could accept me, would be one who can accept my bisexuality, or who was also bisexual. Hiding my bi side from a lover never worked for me. Luckily, I met the most wonderful, loving, poly-bi girl and we have developed the best relationship of my life.

In my case, all it took for us to meet was to share some thoughts on this site. We were magically drawn together, as though we were magnets. It just happened............ no struggle, digging through classifieds, or joining matching sites.

Sometimes, the best things happen when you least expect it!

[twodelta]

I think alot of Bi people are in the same place. I too, go back and forth and sometimes get caught right in the middle. I don't fret over it though, I just know that is who I am and just go with whatever seems natural at the time. I'm also lucky to be married to a loving and understanding wife. There are indeed women out there that are understanding and supportive. Keep the faith my friend and be patient. The universe has a way of bringing to us what we keep in our mind! Good luck to You - Dave :three:

[mspen1018]

I go out of my way to find other truly bisexual people for relationships because my experience with straight women or gay men even if they claim to be 'open' to my orientation has ended up with me fighting the battle of pacifying their insecurities and socially isolated as a result of longing to hold on to love that really wasn't meant to be.

With bisexual partners I have found for the most part that we can talk about people we think are beautiful and there is less jealousy especially if it is a member of the other sex that we couldn't compete with and there seems to be a different social code with bisexual people than with gay people.

Discretion isn't exactly the same as shame and although sexual orientation is nothing to be ashamed of, I notice that as a bisexual male versus most gay males I know, for example, I am less compelled to mention my orientation as much as a lot of gay men I know tend to do and hence experience much less hatred from intolerant folks because of that.

I believe that most gay or straight people have an attitude toward bisexuality based on negative stereotypes and some that claim to be open to it can basically use you like an object for sex games just to get their kicks and sometimes it can be hurtful to one's sense of self worth as a person who wants love to be a role in a fantasy a.k.a. straight women with the gay guy fetish or gay men who want to think they turned you away from women because you are manly.

It is sad because it puts focus on labels as opposed to people being people and that itself is ignorant and dehumanizing.

I've been there and a lot of bisexuals I know are discreet so it may be hard to find the right mate not to say there aren't gay or straight people out there who aren't programmed to label people based on superficial qualities like sexual orientation but I have yet to find one.

[graytwo]

...With bisexual partners I have found for the most part that we can talk about people we think are beautiful and there is less jealousy especially if it is a member of the other sex that we couldn't compete with and there seems to be a different social code with bisexual people than with gay people.

Discretion isn't exactly the same as shame and although sexual orientation is nothing to be ashamed of, I notice that as a bisexual male versus most gay males I know, for example, I am less compelled to mention my orientation as much as a lot of gay men I know tend to do and hence experience much less hatred from intolerant folks because of that.

I believe that most gay or straight people have an attitude toward bisexuality based on negative stereotypes and some that claim to be open to it can basically use you like an object for sex games just to get their kicks and sometimes it can be hurtful to one's sense of self worth as a person who wants love to be a role in a fantasy a.k.a. straight women with the gay guy fetish or gay men who want to think they turned you away from women because you are manly.

It is sad because it puts focus on labels as opposed to people being people and that itself is ignorant and dehumanizing.

I've been there and a lot of bisexuals I know are discreet so it may be hard to find the right mate not to say there aren't gay or straight people out there who aren't programmed to label people based on superficial qualities like sexual orientation but I have yet to find one.

Kudos! Is bisexuality a physical thing or a spiritual mate thing? I'm at a loss on this question. If it is just a physical thing where you have a M/F relationship BUT have physical desires for the same of your gender? Or, is it beyond that where you feel comfortable beyond the sex thing? I don't know, but labels such as; lesbian, gay, hetro sure makes being a bi- difficult to understand.

just my thoughts

[AmericanBeauty]

At least you were honest with her. Find another woman who accepts you for who you are.

[veganbigmac]

Thanks everybody. Your words have helped immensely.

[bijohnmpls]

Hi Vegan... all my love and support are with you... I have been in the same situation. You are in my thoughts...

[bityme]

Is bisexuality a physical thing or a spiritual mate thing? I'm at a loss on this question. If it is just a physical thing where you have a M/F relationship BUT have physical desires for the same of your gender? Or, is it beyond that where you feel comfortable beyond the sex thing? I don't know, but labels such as; lesbian, gay, hetro sure makes being a bi- difficult to understand.

I have always thought of "bisexual" and referring to "sexual orientation" or who you want to get physical with. I think the term polyamorous better describes the forming of loving or emotional attachments to either gender. Maybe that's making it too complicated, I don't know. Except that I know I am bisexual, but I've never been in love with a man.

[ErosUrge]

Man if this doesn't strike home with me. I too was involved in a serious relationship most of last year with a woman and told her 3 weeks into the relationship that I was bi. It brought tears to her eyes as she thought we were a match for life until she got the news. She told me she'd never had a situation like ours and at the time didn't plan to go anywhere yet saying that she didn't know what she was going to do about it either. So, for months we continued and I think she fostered the idea that maybe somehow or someway I might lose interest in sex with men and would come to value only sex with her. And of course, the sex was great but everytime we had a discussion about me being sexual with men, she said she felt inadequate and that she'd never be able to fulfill all my needs sexually, etc.

I hated it and it made me feel terrible at times too as though being bi was somehow a curse. But after all the years of going through all that sort of stuff, I knew that I had to remain true to who I am sexually as I've always been bi since the very first stirrings of being active with others sexually. I also thought that since I'm not interested in men for anything else but sex this somehow would make a difference; obviously, it didn't.

I have found it very difficult to this very day to connect with any woman that could grasp and understand this and not feel threatened. I did explain to her that I would never be with another woman sexually and be devoted solely to her for that need I have with women. I told her too that all my closest male friends I'm not sexual with nor have ever been.

In addition to all this, I had a discussion with one of my very oldest and closest male friends about this very topic. I was somewhat surprised when he suggested that perhaps I was denying myself an opportunity to be happy by not allowing myself to try to be with a male in the way that I want a relationship with a woman...that perhaps in reality I was gay and because of social reasons/pressures wouldn't allow myself to have a serious relationship with a man. I've already been down that road and dug in very deep in years past and on several ocassions to find out if indeed that is the case....but as so many of you know when you're bi, and if you've taken the time to really dig in deep to find out, you recognize and know it through and through.

I wish it was that simple to either be gay or straight, and of course there were times I've thought to myself maybe it would be simpler if I were to get together with another male for what I am really seeking. But again I know who I am sexually and I know to my core that I adore women sexually, emotionally, spiritually, etc etc etc......and would be fulfilled if I were able to connect with one that could understand and not feel threatened by my sexual appetite for men and see it as it being only that and nothing else. I just know that whenever I've been involved seriously with a woman and supressed and denied myself from interaction with men sexually, the hunger for it only intensifies. For this reason, I've remained single for so many years and not completely out of choice.

I'm told that eventually there will be a woman that will grasp and understand and she'll either be bi herself or just get it....but that hasn't been the case up to this point. Those women that I do know that do grasp it are already involved with someone. And a couple of them have told me that eventually it will come about. And I do trust that eventually it will happen.

So Vegan, I must say hang in there as this road isn't an easy one. It's very difficult for people to understand that you can love completely and deeply though it appears hypocritical when you have a need for the same sex and only for that reason. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

[AmericanBeauty]

I have always thought of "bisexual" and referring to "sexual orientation" or who you want to get physical with. I think the term polyamorous better describes the forming of loving or emotional attachments to either gender. Maybe that's making it too complicated, I don't know. Except that I know I am bisexual, but I've never been in love with a man.

Very interesting.

I've fallen in love with women but I do not want a relationship with a woman as a GF/wife since most of the time I'm a homophile when it comes to sexual/romantic attraction that's way stronger for men to the point where at times there is zero attraction towards women at all.

It's not fair to get involved with a woman when I know that I'm like this unless she enjoys long periods of celibacy! ;)

[IllinoisGuy]

The best thing I can suggest to anyone is that if you are looking for a relationship with a member of the opposite sex and you are bi, then look for someone that is bi as well. This way they will understand your desires and can help to get you through them(i.e. be open to your being with a member of your own sex). Most straight people(especially women and some men) do not understand their partners' desire to want to be with someone of the same sex.

I can say that if you are not able to find someone on here, there are other dating sites you can try and find the person to compliment your life!

[Intimate_Light]

http://www.compassionsensuality.net/Images/NetPix/NEW_PATH_REVISED.jpg

Veganbigmac,

While I made the above little digital ditty for someone years ago going through some unrelated (not bi) rough life-spot, figured it says pretty much everything I'd want to say. In the end, this will turn out to be a blessing of some sort.

While it seems like impossible, there are "jewels" out there (hey, one participant in this thread for you said he found his. I'm holding out for mine, too.

In udder wordz... Hang in there. You are not alone, brother, and in good company :)