Help with Sexuality

[RatedHforHawt]

Okay my situation is kind of wierd. And do not tell me that I am confused, because this has been going on for nearly 6 years. What I believe is that I am bisexual because I am attracted to both men and women. The thing is, I lean more towards the women side but I also get a certain attraction to guys. Its more of a personality loving towards guys, but I am celibate with that idea as well. I am attracted to the kissing and cuddling and all of the sort with a guy, and yet I still could enjoy everything sexual from a women.

What this kinda leads me to believing is that overall:
-I am both personality and sexually attracted to women.
-I am personality attracted to men with physical contact (Asexuality however)

But I also sometimes get a strong sexual attraction when I watch gay porn. Is this kinda "normal" for one who is bi?

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Yep yep. 'Fraid it is. Its perfectly nautural to have these feelings, sugar.
Welcome to the ranks of being Bi...lol
Everybodys Cat

[trubipoly]

It could be that you havent found the right guy that totally makes it for you, where you find yourself taking the next step into making love with him, or you could just prefer as you say the emothinional connection only. there is no 1 definition of bisexuality, there are Gay men that never have nor desire anal sex (giving or recieving) yet they are still gay. and "straight" people that dont really enjoy the sexual connection either... you are who you are and whether it fits anyone elses difinition be yourself.

[RatedHforHawt]

Thanks a bunch guys! I am definitely reassured. I mean, I have only been able to talk to people on the internet about this mostly and I have been having trouble coming out.

Its scared the shit out of me a couple of times. So far I told my younger brother which his only reponse was "just dont grab my package and I will still love you like family", and 2 close friends who barely even bring it up.

I just don't know how to tell my family, cuz I know for a fact that my Mom has a couple of gay friends. But my dad once told me "I don't mind gay people, but just don't be one." I don't know if he was joking, cuz it was such a long time ago.

But I definitely want to come out, I am just afraid of what people will think.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Sigh, I keep asking people, "WHY is there this all consuming need for other to know ones sexuality??"
The family doesnt have to know everything, ya know? Its not like you bring it up at the table at Sunday dinner "Yeah work was really hard today. BTW Mom, I like cock too, cuz I'm bi. Pass the greens would ya Pop?" These things just do work well...lol
Yes I'm being facious(sp) but you get my drift.
Honeyboy, unless you feel you absolutely Need to do this, keep your sexual preferences to yerself. Your preferences are yours, and dont need to be announced to everyone. :}:2cents:
Cat

[RatedHforHawt]

Eh, true. But like I don't want a family reunion in like 10 years and show up with a boyfriend and go like "oh by the way family! this is ___! merry xmas!"

I don't want to keep it hidden, I mean you may like it secretive and unknown but I really just want to be accepted by my family. Then I may consider coming out before I graduate from highschool.

[AmericanBeauty]

Eh, true. But like I don't want a family reunion in like 10 years and show up with a boyfriend and go like "oh by the way family! this is ___! merry xmas!"

I don't want to keep it hidden, I mean you may like it secretive and unknown but I really just want to be accepted by my family. Then I may consider coming out before I graduate from highschool.

Rated-At least you want to come out. I think it's a good thing and important to come out to your family. Just wondering how old are you?

It's 2009 people. Nobody should be closeted these days.

[jem_is_bi]

Just do your best to be your happy and comfortable with your feeling about sexuality. You will likely find that is a significant task, because, it is unlikely to your sexuality will stay the same as it is now. Further, I advise that you tell only those that need to know about your present sexual desires. Never, tell anything to those that do not want to know. That is not being kind to them or helpful to you.
Most heterosexuals do this with their sex lives. So, I am puzzled why many bisexuals and gay people need to tell all about all to all and believe it to be some kind of rite of passage for the true believers who poses the ultimate gift of enlightenment.
Rather, if your situation dictates this ultimate declaration be made to the world, then you need to do it. I am sure this was the case and will be the case for some (but not all)people. Otherwise, maintain yourself respect and live life to your fullest potential, which includes sex.

[AmericanBeauty]

Just do your best to be your happy and comfortable with your feeling about sexuality. You will likely find that is a significant task, because, it is unlikely to your sexuality will stay the same as it is now. Further, I advise that you tell only those that need to know about your present sexual desires. Never, tell anything to those that do not want to know. That is not being kind to them or helpful to you.
Most heterosexuals do this with their sex lives. So, I am puzzled why many bisexuals and gay people need to tell all about all to all and believe it to be some kind of rite of passage for the true believers who poses the ultimate gift of enlightenment.
Rather, if your situation dictates this ultimate declaration be made to the world, then you need to do it. I am sure this was the case and will be the case for some (but not all)people. Otherwise, maintain yourself respect and live life to your fullest potential, which includes sex.

If you're closeted you don't know what it's like to be out, and if you're OUT you never want to be closeted ever again.

[jem_is_bi]

If you're closeted you don't know what it's like to be out, and if you're OUT you never want to be closeted ever again.

I agree with that statement, but I only want to be out if/when it is best for me and my lover. Only then, will I not want to be closeted again.
Plus, I will still not tell all about me to all and nothing about me to those that do not want/need to know about my sexuality.

[Intimate_Light]

Jem-is-bi,

What's the rush in telling others?

You don't owe anything to anyone except your own self-honesty to yourself -- which doesn't have to be broadcast.

It's kind of like integrity: does one have to tell everyone that one has integrity? No, just live with integrity.

Now I want to second what was mentioned about things shifting and changing: it's true. Life is fluid. In other words, the human soul/being is a stated of being in motion, not some static I-am-this-or-that. For example, right now, my bi-leaning stuff has receded and I'm not looking for a connection.

Next week, it could change, and eventually it does, then mellows, etc.

As the old cliché goes, "Life is a journey, not a destination." One could say that being or feeling bi is also a journey, not a destination. This includes whether one expresses or experiences connections in a intimate/sexual way or not. There is no right or wrong answer.
____________

Otherwise put:

Easy does it, relax, discover, enjoy, allow (don't force, feel forced or compelled to tell family or others), be in each moment, one moment at a time. What matters most is that you are coming out to (honoring) YOU -- which again, is a fluid, changing process. The rest will take care of itself in due course.

And returning to the honesty thing (which is what the compulsion of "having" to come out sometimes feels like it is):

--- Just because one doesn't tell one's parents or friends that one is this or that doesn't mean one is being dishonest. Do your parents tell you what they do or have done in their bedroom? Methinks not - lol.

Translation: There is a thing called a "human being's right to privacy."
Don't you deserve that?

Of course you do :)

[bityme]

TI just don't know how to tell my family, cuz I know for a fact that my Mom has a couple of gay friends. But my dad once told me "I don't mind gay people, but just don't be one." I don't know if he was joking, cuz it was such a long time ago.

But I definitely want to come out, I am just afraid of what people will think.

What is there to come out about? If you are not in a relationship with a guy, why is there a need to tell anyone?

Give yourself a chance to work out your own feelings and have a physical relationship with a guy before you jump into the public scene. Who knows, you may find that you were only curious and once the curiosity is satisfied you might not desire to do it again.

Resolve your conflict first and tell only those necessary to help in the resolution.

[RatedHforHawt]

Rated-At least you want to come out. I think it's a good thing and important to come out to your family. Just wondering how old are you?

It's 2009 people. Nobody should be closeted these days.

I am 18 at the moment, and it started around the age of 12. And maybe its a curiosity or not. But there is this guy I have been attracted to for the past 2 years, but we are just friends. Sometimes I catch him look at my lips when we talk too!

[jem_is_bi]

Jem-is-bi,

What's the rush in telling others?

You don't owe anything to anyone except your own self-honesty to yourself -- which doesn't have to be broadcast.

It's kind of like integrity: does one have to tell everyone that one has integrity? No, just live with integrity

I am not in a rush to tell others. I would prefer not to tell anyone. But, sometimes what needs to be done to sustain a relationship requires that others know more than names. It is getting close to that situation for me. So, I may be out some time soon or some time later or not at all. The choice is not mine alone to make because it affects all that is important to him as well as me. He has more to risk than me and I know I will be hurt and hurt others than love me.

[Doggiestyle]

Well now, if you review all the comments about this subject. You can't help but come to the conclusion that the most will say what I will say. Why go around tellin on yourself. It's nobodys business what your personal preferences are, after all they are "personal preferences" are they not? I cannot understand why some people feel obligated to tell everbody about themselves. I live my life for me, not trying to impress or depress others or trying to get their approval !! I might be wrong, but I truly believe that you will be better off, in the long run, to keep your personal preferences your personal business.

Thats just my :2cents: tour on the subject. Your friend, Doggie.......:doggie:.......:flag3:

[elian]

OK, well - as far as who NEEDS to know I've made a commitment while I'm single to tell any potential partner that I'm bi. You need to judge the worst and best case scenarios of coming out to see the potential consequences. If you are not in a financial position to be able to afford your own place for example - it might not be a good idea to say anything right now.

I guess it depends on what you think the reaction will be from others too, and your past experiences and interactions with the people in your life..

There are certain friends I have who know I'm bi and some that don't, based on how much I value the friendship (am willing to risk) - lucky for me I judged fairly well and I had the ability to do it on my terms (wasn't outed by someone else).

I know the feeling of "lying to yourself" isn't fun, but sometimes it makes sense. Also, I echo the above comments in that since you really don't know how you feel yet maybe figure that out a little first. It's healthy to talk about it and the reality is that there is a spectrum (not just simply M/F) of emotional and physical needs and desires.

[csrakate]

Rated-At least you want to come out. I think it's a good thing and important to come out to your family. Just wondering how old are you?

It's 2009 people. Nobody should be closeted these days.

He's only 18...that's the time for burgeoning self-discovery and exploration and not necessarily the time for proclamations and self imposed labels. Yes...coming out is a good thing...but shouldn't be rushed or done out of an obligation to keep in tune with the times.

RatedH....this is your time for you to become comfortable with yourself and there's no need to declare anything to anyone, much less your parents. Take your time and act in your own time. You'll know if and when the time is right.

My best to you,
Kate

[Lonewolf76]

Why, when we first meet someone don't we say "Hi my name is (insert name here) my address is____, My social security number is______, I have a 7" cock and I'm cut??? Because...IT'S NONE OF THEIR DAMED BUSINESS - and neither is your sexuality. Just my :2cents:

[noabody]

I think the sexuality issue is only relevant to a significant other such as a mate or lover. I tend to think that monogamy and bisexuality are incompatible. Same sex relations may leave a yearning for the opposite sex and vice versa. Even finding an openly bisexual mate doesn't guarantee trouble free searches for another partner. Personalities are very complex with the need for fulfillment on many levels. Bisexuality expands those needs.

Based on my own life, I'd have to say be true to yourself and your partners. Make sure your partners are accepting of this. What if the love of your life scorns your sexuality? How long can I bottle it up until I break. Um... You know what I was trying to say.

I love being screwed up.

[someotherguy]

Is this kinda "normal" for one who is bi?

"Kinda" is a pretty strong word when you're talking about normal. Normal is whatever I do. The rest of you can judge yourselves accordingly.

[M. Wolfe]

Okay my situation is kind of wierd. And do not tell me that I am confused,

I'm new to this stuff myself, understanding myself, that is. Anyway, as I understand it now you could be bi or you could be pansexual.

It's a difficult distinction to make but I'll try. A pansexual is indiscriminately attracted to both sexes, but a bisexual is specifically attracted to both. A bisexual would be less likely to like the mixing of fem and mac traits.

I think your issue is that you find that your bisexual when you expected bisexuality to be like pansexuality, yes?

[AmericanBeauty]

He's only 18...that's the time for burgeoning self-discovery and exploration and not necessarily the time for proclamations and self imposed labels. Yes...coming out is a good thing...but shouldn't be rushed or done out of an obligation to keep in tune with the times.

RatedH....this is your time for you to become comfortable with yourself and there's no need to declare anything to anyone, much less your parents. Take your time and act in your own time. You'll know if and when the time is right.

My best to you,
Kate
my :2cents:-

Kids/young adults need to come out early and often, because otherwise they wind up being full of self loathing, confusion, they become more isolated from their friends/family, and some can fall prey to self doubt, ex gay programs, or feeling alienated and like they are the only one that's bi/gay and become badly suicidal.

In some cases they can become so closeted that everyone else realizes and knows that they are bi/gay, or not heterosexual but they don't realize it or even want to accept it.

Or they wind up staying confused about themselves and their sexuality, and royally messed up like this for decades and finally come out when they're old, out of shape, 50 or 60, and they've wasted decades and half of their life being an unhappy closet queen trying to be "straight" which will never happen no matter how much therapy they do, what religion/spirituality they subscribe to, or however many people of the opposite gender they have relationships/sleep with.

In my experience the people who come out early and at a younger age are better people, more well adjusted, and more comfortable in their own skin and happier with themselves as a person and their sexuality than someone who comes out after age 40, 50, or 60 is, and that the later in life someone comes out the more problems they'll have with themselves and their sexuality and lots of times they can hold onto mentalities that they held onto for their decades in the closet.

Also parents, family, and friends usually do realize and can easily tell if someone is not heterosexual or there's the big white elephant of being non-heterosexual with a person.

Rated-Don't be afraid to come out at all.

Ignore the people who say how it's really bad to be out, that only you and nobody else including your friends/family should know that you're not heterosexual, or that coming out is somehow telling other people about your sex life since it's not. These are all attitudes from the closet and they will only hinder and slow down your own personal self development as being comfortable with yourself a person and being comfortable with your sexuality.

I came out at 16 and it was scary at the time but I do not regret it and I'm glad that I came out as a teenager/young adult instead of bottling it all up and staying closeted for years/decades when my close friends and family already knew about me all along and nobody cared that I'm not heterosexual.

[elian]

Well, I'm not saying that coming out is bad, just that some people are very judgmental and non-forgiving..of course it is important to realize that who you are as a person is valid no matter what other people say - you should certainly not be ashamed to be yourself because of who you love. Just be careful, at least until you can afford to be self-sufficient.

[jem_is_bi]

my :2cents:-

Kids/young adults need to come out early and often, because otherwise they wind up being full of self loathing, confusion, they become more isolated from their friends/family, and some can fall prey to self doubt, ex gay programs, or feeling alienated and like they are the only one that's bi/gay and become badly suicidal.

In some cases they can become so closeted that everyone else realizes and knows that they are bi/gay, or not heterosexual but they don't realize it or even want to accept it.

Or they wind up staying confused about themselves and their sexuality, and royally messed up like this for decades and finally come out when they're old, out of shape, 50 or 60, and they've wasted decades and half of their life being an unhappy closet queen trying to be "straight" which will never happen no matter how much therapy they do, what religion/spirituality they subscribe to, or however many people of the opposite gender they have relationships/sleep with.

In my experience the people who come out early and at a younger age are better people, more well adjusted, and more comfortable in their own skin and happier with themselves as a person and their sexuality than someone who comes out after age 40, 50, or 60 is, and that the later in life someone comes out the more problems they'll have with themselves and their sexuality and lots of times they can hold onto mentalities that they held onto for their decades in the closet.

Also parents, family, and friends usually do realize and can easily tell if someone is not heterosexual or there's the big white elephant of being non-heterosexual with a person.

Rated-Don't be afraid to come out at all.

Ignore the people who say how it's really bad to be out, that only you and nobody else including your friends/family should know that you're not heterosexual, or that coming out is somehow telling other people about your sex life since it's not. These are all attitudes from the closet and they will only hinder and slow down your own personal self development as being comfortable with yourself a person and being comfortable with your sexuality.

I came out at 16 and it was scary at the time but I do not regret it and I'm glad that I came out as a teenager/young adult instead of bottling it all up and staying closeted for years/decades when my close friends and family already knew about me all along and nobody cared that I'm not heterosexual.

If, you know for sure that you are gay and you have understanding parents. Then, I agree that to be out early is wise. Otherwise, your not going to have any kind of support for a major life issue and you may decide you really are not gay after all the grief. Know yourself well before you declare yourself to others and I recommend you tell only those that need to know. If you are bisexual, then good luck explaining how that works for you to anyone. Unless you are going into public life, enjoy having a private life where only those that are important to you know you.

[AmericanBeauty]

If, you know for sure that you are gay and you have understanding parents. Then, I agree that to be out early is wise. Otherwise, your not going to have any kind of support for a major life issue and you may decide you really are not gay after all the grief. Know yourself well before you declare yourself to others and I recommend you tell only those that need to know. If you are bisexual, then good luck explaining how that works for you to anyone. Unless you are going into public life, enjoy having a private life where only those that are important to you know you.

Actually more people understand bisexuality than you'd think, even gay/lesbian, and straight people.

It's not like the term is totally new or that it hasn't been around for almost 100 years and wasn't invented in the 19th century.

IMO attitudes like yours and the idea that "nobody/my family will not love me or even understand me or my sexuality! So I have to keep it a secret and I can't come out at all!" are best left in the closet and you're just proving my example of why people should come out early and often. :2cents:

I came out as being bisexual as a teenager and my parents and friends accepted me and actually did understand bisexuality.

Sure a few friends did think that I was gay at first but who cares? Once they saw me dating women and realized that I was sexually attracted to women too it made sense to them, and I didn't care if they thought I was gay at first.

As far as if random people ask me if I'm gay or bisexual when we first become friends or meet, I tell them the truth since they asked. I've even been out at work to my managers/bosses/co-workers, and it's not a big deal.

[veganbigmac]

Look, I understand what you're going through. I came out in high school while I was sixteen. It plagued me, a bunch of people were assholes, most didn't understand. I hadn't met another bisexual male until I was in my third year of college. But ultimately, I'm glad I came out. The people around you in high school, only matter in high school. Come college, they're gone.

As for family...I came out to my sisters and mom when I was sixteen. My mom's exact words were "I think you're just confused. This is all a phase." She said that after I admitted I had been dating a guy for a few months and had been sexually involved with three different guys. My sisters accepted me. My father wouldn't. I have yet to tell him. He's from the old school, and is racist, sexist, and homophobic. But now, after about 6 years they accept who I am unconditionally (except my dad, I wonder if I'll ever tell him). Ultimately, the people who care about you and love you will do so no matter what. Come out to those closest and most loving to you first, those who will understand. I came out to my sisters before my mom, and my family before my friends, and my friends before my school. Only you will know when it is right to come out. But make sure it's your decision, not anyone else's. In all honesty, I probably came out before evaluating the situation as I am advising you, and there were a lot of rough patches. One time I knew a guy named Noah, we were discussing some homosexual act and I feigned disgust, and he called me out saying, "Dude, aren't you bi?" Because he had heard it through the grapevine. That was an awful scene. But in the end I am more comfortable with my bisexuality more now than ever, though that comfort has been hard fought. I imagine that is the case with most bisexual people. Only you will know when you are ready to come out, and to whom.

Good luck my friend, and don't fear, your presence here means you have a wider support network than I did when I came out.

[vittoria]

Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations

:cool:

[izzfan]

Okay my situation is kind of wierd. And do not tell me that I am confused, because this has been going on for nearly 6 years. What I believe is that I am bisexual because I am attracted to both men and women. The thing is, I lean more towards the women side but I also get a certain attraction to guys. Its more of a personality loving towards guys, but I am celibate with that idea as well. I am attracted to the kissing and cuddling and all of the sort with a guy, and yet I still could enjoy everything sexual from a women.

What this kinda leads me to believing is that overall:
-I am both personality and sexually attracted to women.
-I am personality attracted to men with physical contact (Asexuality however)

But I also sometimes get a strong sexual attraction when I watch gay porn. Is this kinda "normal" for one who is bi?

Don't worry about it, I kind of have a different sense of attraction to each sex. With women, my attraction is more visual and intense however, the idea of sleeping with a woman often fills me with dread (yet I am quite interested in BDSM/fetish/bondage stuff in a straight context ) . But in terms of emotions and intimacy, I feel far more comfortable, happy and excited when I am with a man. It took me quite a while to really understand it and it is kind of bizarre and contradictory. I couldn';t say whether it is "normal" for Bi people but it seems to be somewhat similar to the balance of my sexuality.

Just my :2cents:

[M. Wolfe]

I feel far more comfortable, happy and excited when I am with a man. It took me quite a while to really understand it and it is kind of bizarre and contradictory. I couldn';t say whether it is "normal" for Bi people but it seems to be somewhat similar to the balance of my sexuality.


I can relate to that. Girls are pretty, good eye candy but I can connect to an endearing guy and naturally want to be near and intimate with him.

[AmericanBeauty]

Don't worry about it, I kind of have a different sense of attraction to each sex. With women, my attraction is more visual and intense however, the idea of sleeping with a woman often fills me with dread (yet I am quite interested in BDSM/fetish/bondage stuff in a straight context ) . But in terms of emotions and intimacy, I feel far more comfortable, happy and excited when I am with a man. It took me quite a while to really understand it and it is kind of bizarre and contradictory. I couldn';t say whether it is "normal" for Bi people but it seems to be somewhat similar to the balance of my sexuality.

Just my :2cents:

Izzfan-You sound gay but closeted.
Or else you have major psychological issues when it comes to women.

I can understand being nervous about approaching a woman for sex but you seem to not even be sexually attracted to women at all.

[izzfan]

Izzfan-You sound gay but closeted.
Or else you have major psychological issues when it comes to women.

I can understand being nervous about approaching a woman for sex but you seem to not even be sexually attracted to women at all.

Believe me, people have told me that I'm a closet case of some sort, which is not true as I make no secret of the fact that I also like men but I do not consider myself to be entirely gay as I still feel attraction towards women. To be honest, I probably have some minor issues and hang-ups (I mean, who doesn't?) with regard to women , probably stemming from the fact that I grew up in an environment where I didn't know a single gay person and the atmosphere wasn't exactly gay/bi-friendly although it was not rabidly homophobic either. I guess I thought that I was entirely straight (when I was younger) even though I did not like the idea of getting a girlfriend and whenever my mates found any (straight) porn, it barely interersted me - it wasn't until I was about 17 that I even thought of the possibility that I might like men. I guess that I quite like kinky/fetish stuff in a straight context is because it often doesn't involve full nudity or actual sex.

Strangely enough, I am also slightly transgender (I'm a crossdresser) so I definately do have a female side - the wierd thing about this is that when I first discovered it many years ago, it seemed to be just a fetish but over the past couple of years, it has become much more of an emotional/non-sexual thing for me.

[AmericanBeauty]

Believe me, people have told me that I'm a closet case of some sort, which is not true as I make no secret of the fact that I also like men but I do not consider myself to be entirely gay as I still feel attraction towards women. To be honest, I probably have some minor issues and hang-ups (I mean, who doesn't?) with regard to women , probably stemming from the fact that I grew up in an environment where I didn't know a single gay person and the atmosphere wasn't exactly gay/bi-friendly although it was not rabidly homophobic either. I guess I thought that I was entirely straight (when I was younger) even though I did not like the idea of getting a girlfriend and whenever my mates found any (straight) porn, it barely interersted me - it wasn't until I was about 17 that I even thought of the possibility that I might like men. I guess that I quite like kinky/fetish stuff in a straight context is because it often doesn't involve full nudity or actual sex.

Strangely enough, I am also slightly transgender (I'm a crossdresser) so I definately do have a female side - the wierd thing about this is that when I first discovered it many years ago, it seemed to be just a fetish but over the past couple of years, it has become much more of an emotional/non-sexual thing for me.

izz-OK well kink/bondage/SM are sex. No two ways about it. Also they can involve nudity.

Maybe you're just a drag queen in denial about being gay?

You seem to be holding onto the idea that you're bisexual or somehow into women when you don't seem attracted to women at all when it comes to sex.

Have you ever actually had sex with a woman?

[izzfan]

S&M/bondage/kink can definately involve nudity but I am not really that interested in that kind of S&M, unfortunately I have not found a partner to tie me up and vice versa but it is something I would like to explore in the future.

I wouldn't really conisder myself to be a "drag queen" as I generally try to go for a more realistic look when dressing as a woman. I'm a transvestite/crossdresser rather than a drag queen as I do it mainly for emotional reasons rather than anything else.

I have had sex with a woman once (long story.....) and I didn't really enjoy it much, it kind of left me feeling cold. So I probably am more gay than I like to think, but nevertheless I still feel attraction to women sometimes so I don't consider myself to be entirely gay but probably about a 4 or 5 on the Kinsey scale.

[AmericanBeauty]

S&M/bondage/kink can definately involve nudity but I am not really that interested in that kind of S&M, unfortunately I have not found a partner to tie me up and vice versa but it is something I would like to explore in the future.

I wouldn't really conisder myself to be a "drag queen" as I generally try to go for a more realistic look when dressing as a woman. I'm a transvestite/crossdresser rather than a drag queen as I do it mainly for emotional reasons rather than anything else.

I have had sex with a woman once (long story.....) and I didn't really enjoy it much, it kind of left me feeling cold. So I probably am more gay than I like to think, but nevertheless I still feel attraction to women sometimes so I don't consider myself to be entirely gay but probably about a 4 or 5 on the Kinsey scale.

OK well based on what you've said about yourself so far it doesn't seem like you're sexually attracted to women at all, and you did say how you had sex with a woman and didn't even enjoy it.

I have friends who are a 4 or 5 on the Kinsey scale and they are attracted to women sexually and even want a 3 way with men and women but they are sexually attracted to women even though they are way more sexually and romantically attracted to men.

Even I'm this way as I might not want a girlfriend/wife at all, but I would have a MMF 3 way or I'd do bondage/SM with a woman that involved nudity.

Just accept yourself as being gay and come out. You'll be a lot less unhappy.

I'm just going by what you wrote.

[izzfan]

OK well based on what you've said about yourself so far it doesn't seem like you're sexually attracted to women at all, and you did say how you had sex with a woman and didn't even enjoy it.

I have friends who are a 4 or 5 on the Kinsey scale and they are attracted to women sexually and even want a 3 way with men and women but they are sexually attracted to women even though they are way more sexually and romantically attracted to men.

Even I'm this way as I might not want a girlfriend/wife at all, but I would have a MMF 3 way or I'd do bondage/SM with a woman that involved nudity.

Just accept yourself as being gay and come out. You'll be a lot less unhappy.

I'm just going by what you wrote.


It's kind of hard to articulate my exact feelings on the issue, especially in writing, and it probably does appear that I am completely gay (a number of people have suggested that to me before). To be honest, I am probably at least 60-70% gay but I do sometimes feel attraction towards women even though the thought of actually acting on those feelings rarely interests me.

Because of this, I don't consider myself to be gay as I would be ignoring the straight aspects of my personality. I guess I consider myself to be at the gay side of bisexual.

[AmericanBeauty]

It's kind of hard to articulate my exact feelings on the issue, especially in writing, and it probably does appear that I am completely gay (a number of people have suggested that to me before). To be honest, I am probably at least 60-70% gay but I do sometimes feel attraction towards women even though the thought of actually acting on those feelings rarely interests me.

Because of this, I don't consider myself to be gay as I would be ignoring the straight aspects of my personality. I guess I consider myself to be at the gay side of bisexual.

Again it just seems like you're totally gay and just deeply closeted about it and afraid to come out/accept your own homosexuality and that you're just calling yourself bisexual since you don't want to accept yourself as being gay.

I know people like myself and others who actually are at the gay side of bisexual and it seems like you're not this way at all since it seems like you're not attracted to women or the female gender at all.

You seem to be forcing yourself to be attracted to women when there's simply no attraction there. You yourself have said how you don't even enjoy sex with women, aren't sexually attracted to them, and don't even want to have sex with women at all.

Even with bondage/SM you said how you don't want to do sexual or erotic bondage/SM with/to women and as someone who is into both sexual and non-sexual bondage/SM there's a huge difference between doing the two.

Also you can be gay and be interested in doing bondage/SM with someone of the opposite gender and even be turned on by it but you're completely homosexual. I have a friend that is totally gay and he got flogged by a woman here in DC and liked it and he was turned on by the SM and not the woman.

You're only 20. Give it some time and it's completely normal to be closeted at your age.

I bet by the time you are in your mid 20s you will have came out and accepted yourself as being fully gay.

No, I'm not suggesting that bisexuality is a stepping stone/gateway to being gay but there are people who are homosexual who try to be bisexual and it does not work.

[rissababynta]

It's kind of hard to articulate my exact feelings on the issue, especially in writing, and it probably does appear that I am completely gay (a number of people have suggested that to me before). To be honest, I am probably at least 60-70% gay but I do sometimes feel attraction towards women even though the thought of actually acting on those feelings rarely interests me.

Because of this, I don't consider myself to be gay as I would be ignoring the straight aspects of my personality. I guess I consider myself to be at the gay side of bisexual.


That's difficult, since I think that most gay men and lesbians at least on rare occasions find interest in the opposite sex, whether they wish to act upon it or not.

However, considering that you do have the attraction to both no matter how equal or unequal it may be at the moment...just go with being bi!

Or you could drop the labels all together and just be happy knowing that you can find attraction and pleasure with people in general.

[bret5668]

Why the hangup on coming out? The masses are so hung up on labels... "Straight" "Gay" "Lesbian" "Bi" "Out" "Closeted"....What sense does it make to assign yourself a label? To me it makes no more sense than allowing someone else to label you. Live life, love, do everything to the best of your abilities, and have a true passion for life itself. Our lives are not guaranteed...therefore.... enjoy all that this life has to offer, and LIVE...no need to feel as though you have to be accepted. If people can't love you for the human being you are...then move along with life and surround yourself with those who care about you "the individual" not what you are labeld as, or what you can do for them, but how you go about your daily life and how you treat those you come in contact with.

[izzfan]

AmericanBeauty, you've got some quite interesting points about SM and sexuality and I suppose that was one of the reasons it always interested me, I guess I am more attracted to the SM itself rather than the people involved. Maybe I am a bit of a closet case, however - I wouldn't say that I had to "force" myself to feel attraction towards women. I was feeling attraction towards women (but little interest in actually dating them, which was a bit confusing) long before I realised that I was even interested in guys. Perhaps I have repressed a lot of stuff, I mean, I feel attraction towards guys less often than I do towards women but it is usually a LOT more intense. It's the same with kissing, I've kissed women and found it to be quite dull, I've kissed some men and found that a bit dull but other times I have had such an emotional reaction after kissing a man that I've surprised myself.

I'm hardly "closeted", I don't make much of a secret about the fact that I'm not entirely straight, but I don't advertise the fact either. I guess you are right about time, although, at the moment, I feel like I have already worked out a lot of myself (considering that I discovered that I was a crossdresser when I was 13 and discovered that I was Bi when I was 17). Who knows what I'll be thinking about it all when I'm 25.


Rissa, I guess I do place too much emphasis on labels - I guess it was probably more to do with trying to define myself when I was first discovering things about myself. Nevertheless, I should probably do without labels as I seem to require several of them in order to describe myself.


Bret, brilliant advice - I guess I always do worry too much about what people might think of me and this is something I'm a bit annoyed at myself about.

As for enjoying life and living it your own way, I found this very interesting book recently ("F*** It: The Ultimate Spiritual Way" by John C. Parkin) which reminded me of this - it's a really good and quite funny book.

[orbit]

Going back to the original post, maybe Rated should wait a little while before making his decision. However, I'm sure most of us can understand his wish to be able to say, have his boyfriend over for dinner with the family. Whilst ones sexual deeds are nobody else's business ultimately, this is not just a matter of sex, it's a matter of companionship and enjoying things as a couple openly in the same way a heterosexual couple would. I can certainly understand that, despite the fact that I am yet to have been with a man. If and when I decide to do so, I may or may not tell others about it. I imagine to start with I will not. However, if I wanted to continue, I imagine there would come a point where I would definitely at least give the concept of coming out some good thought. Just my :2cents: