Bi-ness: Is Not Telling Your Partner/Spouse Cheating?

[Intimate_Light]

Of course it is, even though it can be a tough situation when such leanings surface after a wedding or late in a hetero relationship and can have big consequences. And I can empathize.

However it saddens me that there still seems to such a general cavalier attitude. Anytime I see the word "married"/"boyfriend"/"girlfriend" and "discreet" it spells "I'm cheating." An instant turn-off, no matter how physically attractive they may be.

In my last hetero relationship where the touchstone of it was being 100% honest with each other, my bi stuff was starting to surface and in the end, it was one of the things that dissolved it.

She couldn't totally accept it, and I fully respect that.

I know that I am not the only one that feels this way, incl. a few members at this community. But it still also makes me feel like I'm in a tiny minority these days.

Touchy subjects like these also make for short threads and little participation (perhaps viewed as "downers"/too-serious-stuff), unlike sexual techniques, crude cock-and-cunt stuff and kink.

Kinda sad too, IMO.

Signed,

~ Your Friendly Neighborhood Pompous Ass
.................................................. .......

[JP1986UM]

Wife and I are completely upfront about my sexuality to people that matter.

I tell her WHO I am seeing and when and sometimes even why.

She's accepted my sexuality and understands its not a replacement, but an "addition to" our relationship not a detractor.

I also agree to be honest at all times. As a result, our relationship has gotten so much better.

[welickit]

Cheating comes in all forms. It pretty much boils down to what each person sees as being a cheat. Most men try to justify everything they do as not cheating. Most women see everything they don't know about in advance as cheating.
Every now and then there is a meeting of the minds brought about bi honesty and open communications. Until there is a meeting of the minds and an agreement anything can be taken as cheating.
We agree with your red flag words. They are as bad as an empty profile.

[innaminka]

After the long, painful process of coming out to myself - I reasoned that it was essential I come out to my husband: a great, sensitive, gentle guy, but sexually as str8 as a lampost.

Our resolution was of our own making; no counselling or anything like that. I know, even after something like 12-13 years since it occurred, he has not fully comes to terms with the fact I have sex with women.We do not share any stories or knowledge on the whos/where/when/hows.
He knows it happens (occasionally) but has no interest whatsoever.

Yes, in answering the original question, there is no doubt in my mind that if I had not opened myself up to him, and allowed my sexuality to become a known factor in our marriage, I would be a total hypocrite and almost certainly (by now) a divorced woman.

However, as things are, we seem to be getting by nicely, although other factors are starting to put a strain on our relationship: my increasingly lesbianism being just one.

[Intimate_Light]

Thanks for responses.

I liked this in particular: "She's accepted my sexuality and understands its not a replacement, but an "addition to" our relationship, not a detractor."

That's exactly what I've come to grips with when the time comes when I find a woman again and this issue arises. While not a gender issue really, emotional loyalty is very important to most women, and so this perspective would be a graceful and truthful statement of fact in my case as the man.

Besides, I'm not a "player" by nature anyway.

[BrotherJack]

Any sort of lying, is a form of cheating.

[veganbigmac]

Not telling your partner isn't cheating , it is somewhat disingenuous, but there are legitimate reasons to wait to tell someone. If you expect to have a serious relationship, then the person you're with has a right to know, but outing yourself usually requires some delicate timing.

[bityme]

I believe that when you go past the dating point into a "relationship" you have an obligation to be honest with your mate. Even if you are not presently doing anything about your other sex desires, it's going to become an issue sooner or later.

I think it's best to get it out in the open ahead of time. If there is understanding and acceptance by your partner, the relationship can build and grow. If there isn't understanding and acceptance, the relationship should go no further.

If you care about another person, you should not want to drag them into a situation where they will ultimately be hurt.

[vittoria]

Bi-ness: Is Not Telling Your Partner/Spouse Cheating?

Yes

[twodelta]

Just seems to me, if You are doing something with someone other than Your partner, whether it's just holding hands or it's all out sex, and You are purposely keeping this from Your partner, You Are Cheating. A rose by any other name is still a rose. And it hardly ever leads to long term happiness. Just my :2cents: worth. - Dave:three:

[alegrias]

I'm not here to judge others. Every situation is different anyway.

I just know that if I were to have a sexual encounter with anyone (either gender) and did not have prior approval of my husband, he would consider it cheating. He has also said that he wants to be there if and when I have a sexual encounter with another person.

He also doesn't want me to have any secrets from him.

His opinion is what matters to me. I have to respect that because he is the one that I chose to spend my life with.

[AmericanBeauty]

It may or may not be cheating, especially if you're having sex with other people on the side and tell yourself that it's somehow not cheating when it really is.

However if you've known about yourself all along and don't tell that's just being a dishonest liar to yourself and your partner.

[totchune]

I would say that it is not so much what you call it (cheating or not cheating) that matters, because this is a judgment, it is the practical consequences...Obviously a person does not feel hurt because someone violated a given rule, but because the action makes feel personally betrayed, and to some degree ultimately unloved...It certainly creates an immediate emotional rift that is difficult to mend because love implies trust and great vulnerability. When another person hurts you, you can no longer be vulnerable and open, your defenses are up and love is shattered.
However in some instances telling the other can mean actual separation...and it is a difficult step when you truly love someone. Either way, in this instance, the bi person can't win, unless he/she suppresses her/his bi needs, and when these needs do not involve emotions or attachment, the person is torn between loosing a possibly long term loving relationship for the sake of just having sex with members of the same sex or suppressing these desires completely.
Tough choice, and let's be real, many must go through this dilemma.

[darkeyes]

Nope soz..its not cheatin in the sense me thinks mos peeps mean..is a lil dishonest an sure in a perfect world nun of us wud ev hav a prob tellin our partners bout wot we r.. but we don liv in a perfect world.. me x hubbie nev knew till 2 wards the end that me wos bi.. but by then me wos cheatin in the true sense a the word.. wen we fall head ova heels it wud b luffly 2 tell our prospective partner EVERYTHIN.. but sumtimes..fear a losin that wich means most 2 us prevents us from doin it.. thats not cheatin.. goin behind 'is bak an havin affairs is cheatin..

It no more cheatin than fancyin ya next door neighbour for 5 years an doin nowt bout it.. the cheat is in the deed not the thot.. if ne 1 is bein cheated its those who cant b who they r.. not those who won let 'em..:(

[welickit]

Thank God 99% of the people here are literate enough to write in English.

[elian]

If you are bi and married but you don't act on those feelings with a third party I don't necessarily think that is "cheating" - although it may not put you in the most happy mental state or healthy relationship.

If my partner asked me a question about my sexuality and I didn't answer truthfully THAT would be lying - if my partner never ASKED I wouldn't necessarily be lying to them, but I might be unhappy all the same.

[veganbigmac]

Elian perfectly phrased what I was trying to say. Thanks.

[Intimate_Light]

I know that I am not the only one that feels this way, incl. a few members at this community. But it still also makes me feel like I'm in a tiny minority these days.

Touchy subjects like these also make for short threads and little participation (perhaps viewed as "downers"/too-serious-stuff), unlike sexual techniques, crude cock-and-cunt stuff and kink.

Kinda sad too, IMO.



Well, I have to retract some of this from my initial post because this thread has had some legs.
Nice not feel like a total oddball. Thanks to all who have participated :)

[rissababynta]

If you are bi and married but you don't act on those feelings with a third party I don't necessarily think that is "cheating" - although it may not put you in the most happy mental state or healthy relationship.

If my partner asked me a question about my sexuality and I didn't answer truthfully THAT would be lying - if my partner never ASKED I wouldn't necessarily be lying to them, but I might be unhappy all the same.

I have to agree with what Elian has said here.

[elian]

Some guys have approached me who are married and the wife doesn't know - they've been married for years - it's not that I can't feel their frustration and desire in that situation. I've honestly felt sorry for some of them who feel "trapped" in certain situations but it's a paradox for me. I spent the first 15 years of my life keeping secrets for people and trying to please others - it isn't that I think these folks are intentionally bad people - all I know is that secrets kill...I don't want to live in fear anymore.

In the best world it would be great if said spouse could be open and honest with their partner about their preferences and that partner could be accepting.

It would also be great if people would willingly give their surplus basic resources to other people in the world who need them without thinking twice..both of these problems are very difficult to solve in the real world.

It seems that all I can do is babble on about them and take up otherwise useful space in a forum thread.

<sighs>

[AmericanBeauty]

Some guys have approached me who are married and the wife doesn't know - they've been married for years - it's not that I can't feel their frustration and desire in that situation. I've honestly felt sorry for some of them who feel "trapped" in certain situations but it's a paradox for me. I spent the first 15 years of my life keeping secrets for people and trying to please others - it isn't that I think these folks are intentionally bad people - all I know is that secrets kill...I don't want to live in fear anymore.

In the best world it would be great if said spouse could be open and honest with their partner about their preferences and that partner could be accepting.

It would also be great if people would willingly give their surplus basic resources to other people in the world who need them without thinking twice..both of these problems are very difficult to solve in the real world.

It seems that all I can do is babble on about them and take up otherwise useful space in a forum thread.

<sighs>

I don't feel bad for them.

They've made their choice to stay in the closet, be dishonest (even to themselves, not just a spouse), and I made the choice at a young age to be out and honest to myself and my partners.

I've also met men like this and they are insanely jealous of guys who are out like me, and they create their own prison/hell from which they'll never escape.

[noabody]

Married with children would be a big problem. I can accept that I am Bi. I can accept that my spouse can't accept it. The only problem is that you just can't hide it completely. It's a different viewpoint.

My daughter sees aspects of it but doesn't understand right now. I don't want to color her view of sexuality, she needs to discover that on her own. If somehow she has alternate sexual preferences my wife will surely blame me. It's a difficult situation.

I have cheated on my wife and had physical relationships with men. You notice that I was keen to say physical which suggests I don't think it's cheating unless it's an emotional relationship. Unfortunately, it doesn't matter either way. I can't have any external friends because they would be perceived as a threat. Not a huge problem since I don't readily make friends anyway.

Marriage is monogamous, anything outside of that is cheating unless both partners are completely aware and accepting. No matter how it is done it'll probably strain a relationship. Maybe that is a good measure of how well people are suited to each other.

For me lack of acceptance makes me feel that many of my own thoughts are a betrayal. That's why I've come to the forums. I have to keep talking until I can run it through. I recently came out, so to speak - something I swore I would never do since it is pointless. No matter what, I think you have to be true to yourself because those things that get pushed down deep have a nasty habit of resurfacing.