Does masturbation detract from sex?

[noabody]

I've gone from 10 times a day to once every three or four days over the last 20 years. It seems like orgasm is natures magic drug, whether in the form of masturbation or not. I guess it's a matter of how much of a fix you need.

My spouse never kept up with that level. Once or twice a week was more her style. Now I'm not saying anything bad about anybody. There's some serious unreasonable expectation going on. She wanted a lot more intimate contact and I wanted a lot more sex. That said, it seems like the masturbation didn't really help the situation at all. I was all taken care of and when she finally came around I wasn't always interested.

I've pondered this for some time and when you get right down to it, it was ingrained into me in early youth. Once I learned to jerk off I never stopped. I was never more comfortable with another giving me orgasm as I was with myself.

I've described a very selfish and lopsided sexual relationship here. Is it unusual, though? I imagine there are a lot of turbo charged sex drives out there paired up with regular ones. Does that lead to masturbation outside of the normal sexual relationship and does it cause stress on that relationship?

[alegrias]

Depends on how often you're masturbating. If you only do it once in a while, like when your partner isn't available, I see no problem with it.

But if your partner wants to have sex with you, and you're not interested because you already masturbated, then yes, it does detract from sex.

[robbie09]

Masturbation and the resulting orgasm is a nautural high it makes your feel good, and has addictive qualities. I have masturbated what I consider excessively (4-5 times a day) during various periods of life.

I recently gave up smoking and recognised similarities between my habit of smoking and my habit of mastubating. That is I use them as tools to avoid pain (unpleasant emotions etc) as a distraction. It is human instinct to avoid pain and seek pleasure. Like you I have recently cut down to every 3-4 days.

Does it detract from sex?

If you were to ask my wife she would say yes. During these periods of excess masturbation I have shown little interest in having sex with her, leaving the initiation of sex to her. This has resulted in long periods of not having sex at all. This in turn has had detrimental impact on our relationship. So from my experience excessive masturbation does have a detrimental effect.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Yes it does. I went through this with my Ex husband of 30 years and my former boyfriend of 4 years. when you masturbate so much, your body gets just to just That stimulation and oft times a person cant get off any other way but that one.
And yes, it IS horribly selfish to your partner when you get yourself off and dont do anything for therm.
This (and other factors) is what ruined the rerlationship with the Ex Bf and I because I got to feeling that I wasnt sexy enough/not good enough to turn him on and it hurt my soul when he would jack off all the time, but never have any desire for me anymore. Took a long time to understand that it wasnt me, and took alot of rebuilding the self-esteem. Mine, not his.
So in a nutshell, Yes, too much jacking off is bad on a relationship...:(
Cat

[Georgie_Girl]

On a related note, can not masturbating at all affect a relationship badly?

[Intimate_Light]

Go check out Betty Dodson's stuff -- which is more women-oriented, but as she herself states, it's not just for women (http://dodsonandross.com/).

One of the things that she "pioneered" is to suggest mutual masturbation too. Perhaps a solution to a situation in which intercourse doesn't seem to fit the flow anymore.

[robbie09]

because I got to feeling that I wasnt sexy enough/not good enough to turn him on and it hurt my soul when he would jack off all the time, but never have any desire for me anymore. Took a long time to understand that it wasnt me, and took alot of rebuilding the self-esteem. Mine, not his.
So in a nutshell, Yes, too much jacking off is bad on a relationship...:(
Cat

Cat, Interesting to hear a women's perspective, I suspect that is how my wife felt too. I have a alot of work to do to help my wife rebuild her self esteem.

[innaminka]

I think for a person to quietly but openly masturbate next their partner, is one of the most erotic, "together" things I've ever done - as does Dean (hubby)
We all masturbate - mostly alone and to a degree, secretively - but just that knowledge of me lying next to him, listening and perhaps watching him bring himself to orgasm ........ Its something we share. And the vice versa occurs as well. (not often - we have sex far more than masturbate whislt the other is available)

As to too much, - that's never been a factor in our relationship, but I do believe , as was written, if a person masturbates causing their partner to miss out, that is a selfish act

[Intimate_Light]

Well said, Innaminka, and I would add this too:

Instead of seeing and experiencing masturbation as just a solo "jack-off" and/or selfish, turn it into something loving, if not sacred:

--- Offer your pleasuring to your partner's heart as you do it. Look into each other's eyes, and thank him or her for letting you be so open and vulnerable with him/her.

Then the sense of jack-off turns into one more form of making (giving) love.

Which brings me back to my former suggestion of reading Betty Dodson who suggests the beauty of mutual masturbation. Her ground-breaking book was, "Sex for One" (http://www.amazon.com/Sex-One-Selfloving-Betty-Dodson/dp/0517886073).

This is a great read, and even a "let's read this together" type of book to bring even more intimacy into a relationship where it is not so much what kind of sexual activity is going on that matters, but how it is done.

It's the sense of innocence, vulnerability and joy that makes great sex, which in the end is really about connection and communication.

Lovingly offering one's own self-pleasure to one's partner--an/or doing it together--is no less a loving act then anything else.

And when that kind of vibe and visual are there (watching someone we care about enjoying themselves), how can one not get turned on...

The only thing in the way of this is having to let go of our egos a bit: the ability for our partner to pleasure him or herself in front of us isn't diminishing our ability to please them.

In fact, this kind of graceful allowing them to do so only makes us more mature lovers.

Not only that, even technique-wise, we can learn from our self-pleasuring partner on how to best please them when we are at bat, so to speak. We all know what gets us going and lasting the longest. It's good to tell how, but even better to show how.

____________________

Bottom line: Pleasuring ourselves in a loving way in front of our partner can be an enhancement--not an obstacle to sensual connection and communication.

[Intimate_Light]

P.S.

If any of the above "offer"/"do together" thing made sense, here is another important thing that applies to sex in general:

Have you seen those YouPorn type, home-made sex videos in which you see people doing it solo or together, and 90% of it is gotta-get-off-gotta-get-off hyperactivity, almost desperation? It's almost sad to watch, IMO.

Well, if we pleasure ourselves that way for someone, it's no better. Then it looks like and feels "selfish." The key is to sssslllllllllllllllllllooooow down. To do it soulfully, deliciously. In fact, in tantric sex, slowing it all down is the prerequisite to everything else.

Savoring and offering our sexuality through masturbation or any other form is like good music composition:

--- It's not the number or speed at which notes are played, but often the space between that makes the music soar. Sustained notes, moments of stillness, resuming slow and steady, crescendos, then... pulling back, beginning again, etc.

Not only is this way more sexy, soulful and varied, it's long lasting.

Otherwise put, whether a penis or vagina, play it for (or with) someone like a slow-hand master musician, not some desperate teenager on meth :)

That kind of offering/mutual offering is not detracting from sex, it IS sex.

[Realist]

In my case, since I recovered from puberty, I have not been one to masturbate often. I have been lucky enough to normally have a lover, who I could share my sexual interests with and therefore historically had lovers who would satisfy me. With some exceptions, I've been extremely lucky. As an older man, I can get by with less sexual activity and save up for a really good blast, now and then.

My girlfriend, however, is extremely virile and if she had to go a couple of days without an orgasm, she'd probably croak! We don't get to see each other but a couple of times a month, at best and it's not uncommon for her to masturbate several times a day. She usually calls me while she'd doing it, so we can discuss the feelings and thoughts that got her in that situation, to begin with. So, each of us has different requirements and deal with our own needs....I have less, she has more.

However, when my GF and I get together, we enjoy everything a couple can do sexually. Nothing we can do for ourselves feels as good as doing it for each other!

To answer your question, masturbation does NOT seem to affect our sex lives at all.

[alegrias]

I responded earlier, but I have some more thoughts I want to share on this subject.

Yes. Too much masturbation can interfere with sex. I said that earlier. I get really annoyed when I'm planning on making love with my husband and I find out that he masturbated a short time earlier. Either he's not interested, or it takes forever for him to cum again.

HOWEVER. . . I also believe that masturabtion saved my marriage. There was a period of time that my interest in sex was low, and my husband's was high. To cope, Hubby watched porn and masturbated. I think that was a much better choice than finding another partner. If he had cheated on me with another person, I might have left him.

We have also discovered the joys of mutual masturbation. . . and it's a good solution when one of us is having difficulty cumming via intercourse

[pcornish1]

Hi there although I live alone I have partners both male and femle and we all masterbate next to each other, wathing each other, alone in fact in virtually any situation you can think of and we all love it - so can it interfere with sex? Only if you let it X

[AshMash]

i have a turbo charged sex drive... lmao :) and i do masturbate even with all the sex. with me though... it doesn't stress out hubby... infact he likes to watch. maybe you can find a way to do it so it turns her on... i unno :P just a shot in the dark.

[noabody]

Thank you for the replies. From my standpoint the masturbation was in some ways unhealthy for myself and the relationship. Thinking about it, I realized that I had a lot of unreasonable sexual expectations. I was thinking about sex and not about making love. When I was making love there was never a desire for masturbation. Does that make sense?

I definitely see sex and love separately. When I'm alone I think about sex, the partner or myself as an object of sex. When I'm with my wife, we're making love. She is my equal, I have an extraordinarily difficult time seeing her as an object. I don't just want to jam it in her or get mine. I want to give her pleasure, and I want to receive the same.

Being bisexual I am very open to experiences and I need to understand my partner. I like to share masturbation because there is no better way to understand one aspect of how to pleasure my partner (obviously I can't learn oral sex techniques that way, she'd have to be pretty darned flexible ;) ). Mutual masturbation has never been a problem for us but we don't usually derive pleasure from it since we never taught each other how to do it.

Initiating love making is primarily my job and I decide what to do. This is where I have trouble. I need it to be open, where she indicates what she wants and I do the same. It is very difficult for her to communicate about sex. I want to break through that barrier but my sensibilities have so far prevented it. I desperately need for her to take the lead because I am also very passive. Two passive personalities in the bedroom has been difficult.

I'm hopeful that these realizations will help me to remove some barriers so that our lovemaking can be more fulfilling. I don't know how she feels about our love life, and that is the biggest problem. It may be that she'll never be able to communicate that. If that is the case then so be it.

I think this affected the masturbation, at the point in my life where I should have transitioned to a sexual relationship, a lack of communication led to fear and silence. I have always been afraid to openly masturbate in front of my wife. Perhaps, when I needed more, I should have tried to do so rather than engage her to make love when she wasn't comfortable.

[robbie09]

a lack of communication led to fear and silence

This is what has happened in my relationship. It is perhaps not the masturbation that is the problem but the lack of communication that makes masturbation a problem.

It appears from stories above that when there is open communications there isn't a problem when one partner masturbates frequently.

Perhaps we need to take the lead in communicating to our partners about sex?

[Jaxxxon]

I would like to echo and build on what Alegrias wrote. There is a very real sense in which masturbation is what I do INSTEAD of cheating on my wife. I have hungers that she would not want me to indulge. I believe almost all men do. Show me a man who isn't turned on by the young bikini-clad women passing by on the beach, or who wouldn't love a roll in the hay with that sexy co-worker, or who doesn't fantasize bout a 3-some with a couple bisexual ladies ...OK, wait, wait. Now I'm getting myself turned on...

In my case, I have other men on my menu of desires as well. And she definitely wouldn't approve of that. So imagination coupled with masturbation provides an outlet.

And NONE of this means that I don't love my wife, or don't thinks she's gorgeous, or am not turned on by her and don't enjoy my sex life with her. But look, men (at least) just aren't wired to want only one woman. There are good evolutionary reasons for this, but I won't spell them out. My point is that jerking off is one alternative to acting on those impulses.

So here's the thing: there seem to be folks who think that a man's (or a woman's, in many cases, I'm sure) sexual desires and bouts of masturbation somehow compromise his desire for his spouse or s/o. Not necessarily, not always. Sure, these things can be connected, often in subtle, subcosncious ways. But it just isn't the case that a man's desire for others is (always) a barometer of the health of his relationship. It's not an either/or situation.

Having said that, there have been times - not many, but a few - when I probably failed to get frisky with my wife because my sex drive was temporarily lowered after flogging the dog. Was that selfish? I guess. On the other hand, masturbation is normal and healthy and, as I've described, can be quite the opposite of selfish.

Okay, if you'll excuse me now, I need to relieve myself before the wife gets home... :rolleyes:

[graytwo]

To masturbate OR not masturbate, is that a question? (sideways pun intended)

Depends on why? Let's face it, we're the only ones with the hands and brain/fantasies that can truly 'rock our own world' - so to speak. If, masturbation is done to take the edge off until you can share with your partner, then no problem. When I say "edge", I'm speaking from a male view point. Us males have ego's that would like to last more than 5 minutes initially. :cool: so taking off the edge works in the long run rather than a 10-30 min recycle time.

If masturbation is shared with your partner, then you'll get a chance to see what "rocks their world" and that knowledge is more than wonderful. If masturbation is a self centered act of self gratification and when your partner wants to play, you just yawn and default to some other time, then you'll have to re-think why have a partner around at all.

Basically, fooling around with yourself is fun, doing the same with your partner(s) is better and might lead to even bigger highs than just doing it yourself. I look at it this way, if you don't know what kicks your switch, how can you express to your lover/partner an answer when they ask that same question?

[12voltman59]

I have to say that masturbation at one time did not interfere with actually doing "the wild thing"--but ahhhh, sorry to say---as we age---the system doesn't always "reload" as fast---so yeah---if you are older and are planning to meet up with someone----it might be advisable to not "shoot off your cannon" till its time for the big dance!!!! :bigrin::bigrin:

Damn---it sucks getting "along in years!!" :bigrin::bigrin: