Man to Man, is it just sex or something more?

[APMountianMan]

I am borowing the following from another thread because what the author says deserves consideration:

Originally Posted by usedbear1950

"I am a bisexual man, I am neither heterosexual not homosexual. I embody apsects of both and in that embodiment I am rendered neither. Does being bisexual mean that I can only love a woman and my realationship with a man is purely sexual? I think not. Since I believe that we have the capacity to love more than one person I do not find myself limited by quantity or chromosome alignment. Remember that I am focusing on love not sex. These are my opinions about me and no one else. I'm growing tired of the need to classify.

I quote the great philospher, Popeye the Sailor,"I am what I am and that's all that I am..." and the song from the Broadway musical Les Cage Aux Folles, 'I am what I am'."

So there you have it, and here's the question, as a bisexual man have you ever been in love with another man? Or are you more comfortable being emotionally attached to women and not to men? Usedbear1950 brings up many interesting questions. What do you think?

:cool:

[curiousbigdude]

It's different for every individual. Usedbear said that he can find love with men as well as women, and I on the other hand am only attracted to men sexually. I've had several very close male friends over the years, but never once did I ever feel as though I was "in love" with them. There was never the feeling that I wanted to spend as much time with them as possible, and never the desire to express my feelings physically through touching, cuddling, and kissing the way I feel when I get close to a woman. For me, my curiosity to have sex with a man is purely physical, but for others like Usedbear it's more.

[dk_alc]

Hi, new to the forum but I find this topic very interesting. Last Summer I met a guy through the gaydar.co.uk website. I was just looking for sex at that time and hey, WOW I fell in love. I'm straight looking, I've been married and got 2 kids. I've also gone after guys (normally just for sex and rarely more than a few times) and this is so so different. Right from the beginning we just 'clicked' and I really think he's the most important thing in my life right now.

Love, being love is a bitch : I'm blond and he's Indian (Asian) and I'm 10 years older so there is absolutely no way we'd be together if we weren't a couple. I'm having to come to terms with the fact that it's a lot harder to go out with your bf that it would be with a girl. When I looked back at his profile on gaydar he'd listed himself as bi so we talked about that and have decided to hunt for girls together too.

Just wanted to share this with you guys because its my own personal experience and it's worked out really well. We've been a couple for about 8 months now so.. fingers crossed!

[inthewoods]

I have to say it is sexual for some and just pure love for others. When I was younger I had a friend that I grew up with and as we got older we discovered that we had a thing for each other and we did love each other. We had a great relationship, we did a lot together. We talked about anything and everything and the sex was great. Unfortunitly we caved into society of the late 70's and decided to end our relationship because neither of us wanted to be known as bisexual, we both had girlfriends at the time but they did not know.
He left the area and got married a couple of years later as I also did. I never seen or heard from him since and I can say that there is not a day that goes by that I do not think about him. I spent many years trying to find him but never came up with anything. I could not even find any of his brothers or sisters, they just all vanished. I still have a place in my heart for him. I believe it is possible for a man to love another at the same time love a woman.

[jasforjas]

Well in my case yes

Having sorted what it means for me to be bisexual
I then had to turn around and learn what it is to be poly and love my wife and a man at the same time.

[rumple4skin]

This was something that really confused me in the past. I have been emotionally attached to both men and women. Not all of them have been sexual relations either. I do not equate sex and love. There have been men and women that I have had sex with that I was not "in love" with.
None of my M/M experiences have lead to a long term relationship. All but one of them have been more than one night stands. So for me there needs to be some sort of connection for sex even if it is a casual friendship. I do have a very close male friend that is bi also. He is married and is faithful to his wife. If he was not married I am sure that things would happen between us and that it would be much more than sex because I am sure that we do love each other. He and I have talked about this at length. We are emotionally attached. That emotional attachment has actually kept us from having sex because I know if we did have sex it would cause a problem for his marriage and I would never want to do that. If his wife was ok with it then I would be very ok with it :bigrin: and so would he. So I know I could have "something more" with a man or a woman.
So i guess being bi not only doubles my chaces for a date it doubles my chances for heartbreak as well :eek: :)

[billy_campbell]

At the risk of being considered a “ho” I will tell you that my bisexual desires are purely sexual and not romantic. I enjoy the sexual parts of being with another man, but I do believe that I could ever be romantically in love with another man. I used the term romantically in love because I very strongly believe in unconditionally loving everyone, but for me romantic love takes that one step farther. My best friend feels the very same way. She is bisexual but has no desires to be romantically involved with another woman. For me most of my bisexual desires involves a woman being present while I am with the man. It is very exciting for me to know that what I am doing is turning the woman on and pleasing her while at the same time pleasing the man I am with. For me it is all about pleasing the other sexual partner(s). When others get off that is what really excites me the most and helps me get off.

[APMountianMan]

Thanks for the honesty of the replies. For me, I don't know why we can't love more than one person: male or female. As children we love our mother and father, bothers and sisters, and see no conflict or diminishing of love as it is spread to multiple people. I understand that this is not a romantic or sexual love, but I believe it does show that we have the ability to love more than one person at a time. What do you think?

:cool:

[jasforjas]

You might want to try some where like this :2cents:

http://community.livejournal.com/polyamory/

where what you are saying is taken as a given - this leads to lots of intresting conversations on this list :bigrin:

Cheers

[Nikki Vandom]

I do believe one can be in love w/ someone of the same sex,although I have never experienced it.I tend to relate to women much better than I do men,particularly when it comes to st8 men.I find them rather boarish and crude.Of coarse there was a good friend of mine,Harold,when I was growing up.He was 16 and I was 13 and we were very close.

[wanderingrichard]

this one is gonna be tough for me. it might even have strayed off topic. my apologies if it has.

i've truly loved two other men in my life, only one of whom i've had any sexual interplay with.

the first, we shared literally everything under the sun.. money,wild women, long nights drinking, long talks in the dark that lasted til the birds sang the next morning, tough times, the joys of his 3rd born, my devastation when i went home after a 45 day abscence [ i was military at the time ] expecting to find my wife [ long now my ex] and wrap my arms around her, only to find an empty house with a note on the kitchen table telling me she'd left.. his sudden illness due to depleted uranium poisoning that took him swiftly but left his family rudderless and with absolute minial income..our bond was closer than many brothers, and it took a lot of my willpower to not make advances on him sexually.. i'm not sure what would have happened if i had, but the thought crossed my mind many times..

the second, mmmm, what a sexual tour de force.. i was at a swing party one chilly evening, and walked into one of the play areas, just being a voyeur. there was this gorgeous hunk of a man just finishing up with a lady partner, kissing her and holding her hand til she was out the door and smilingly on her way.. what does he do next? he grabs the lube, spreads it on his bottom, and told the room to come and get it.. i sat enthralled as i watched this one man take on any and all comers, regarless of gender, sometimes in multiples, for about 2 hours, and still want more!

finally a mutual lady friend showed up and she invited me to join them..this was about 830-9pm... we stopped playing that night finally about 3 in the morning. and i was hooked.

several parties later he was back and it was time for the two of us to go one on one and get things started,,,this sexbot had me literally climbing the walls in 69 as he coaxed things from me that nobody else ever had.. it must have been catching, because when i looked up from hiim, we had over 30 people entangled in that room..

later while laying still chatting i found out he's a military reservist, and was headed for iraq in the near future.. gosh what a waste of a playmate i thot.. so, what happens?? he goes, and i start moping about like a darn teenager!. ME, MR. TOUGH GUY! it was months before i heard from him again, my spirit lifted immediately, and it was then that i realized i love the guy.. not just for the sex either, but it's like down in the bone i cant wait to kiss him when i see him again love.

so, now, i'm concerned. he was supposed to be home about sept 15th.. not a single one of his friends has heard from him since last aug.. and every day i know i have to be thinkiing about him at least a dozen times an hour when i'm not making a hard effort to concentrate on my work..

what can i say? he's the light of my spirit.

to me, it doesnt matter the gender of my loved ones.. sharing tender moments, showing how much we care, thats the important thing

[tom_uk]

is it just sex or something more?

man man, woman woman, man woman whatever - its all just sex, getting down and dirty, no love whatsoever, just a good fuckin.

...... until

you meet someone and your heart breaks when they are not with you, you want to sing with joy as they walk beside you down the street and you cry with joy and pain as you watch them sleeping.

Man man, woman woman, man woman whatever - its all just sex or love and all points in between


tom_uk

[Chief8_2]

It's different for every individual. Usedbear said that he can find love with men as well as women, and I on the other hand am only attracted to men sexually. I've had several very close male friends over the years, but never once did I ever feel as though I was "in love" with them. There was never the feeling that I wanted to spend as much time with them as possible, and never the desire to express my feelings physically through touching, cuddling, and kissing the way I feel when I get close to a woman. For me, my curiosity to have sex with a man is purely physical, but for others like Usedbear it's more.

I agree with you curiousbigdude. I did have feelings once for a man but he was a TS and I think that had a lot to do with the feelings I had for him.

[CuteGeorgiaBoy]

I am with usedbear1950 on this one.

I was born this way. Since I was a child, I have been attracted to both males and females. During my teen years, I was seeing just as many guys as girls, although the guys were more or less below the radar.

I have had great romances with both sexes, and I would not have it any other way. The happiest that I have ever been was the years I spent involved with a couple with which I was emotionally attached to both people.

I think that 'bisexual' (which is a misnomer from the start) has become a blanket term to describe anyone that does not fit into the rigid definition of heterosexual or homosexual.

For example, the term bisexual is used to describe the sexuality of people like usedbear1950 that have full-on healthy relationships with either sex. He can love anyone, and the gender of that person is incidental. At the same time, it's a term used to describe dirty old men that troll the internet or bars or wherever, looking for sex with other men, simply because their wives are not giving them what they want at home.

Much of this is relative. To a rigid heterosexual, engaging in any sort of same sex activity makes you a homosexual. To a homosexual, viewing the same act, it may make you a repressed homosexual. One guy sucking another guy's dick is definitely not in the realm of the straight, but what realm is it? Does it put you in a different group, if you are attracted to the guy attached to the dick and not just the dick? I think so. Some people who might otherwise identify as something else, are identified as bisexual because the term bisexual is more widely known.

There need to be many more descriptive terms. I don't think the person that is honestly physically and emotionally attracted to both sexes should suffer the same term that describes a guy that has too many beers and blows his neighbor on a whim or the girl that french kisses her roommate for a cheesy video. One of the reasons (and certainly not the only one) that studies on bisexuality are so limited is because the world outside the community is puzzled by what they should study. The GLB community certainly has no rigid definition of bisexuality. Are bisexuals born? Is it a lifestyle choice? Are "incidentally homosexual" people homosexuals or bisexuals?

I used the term bisexual for clarity in the sense that people a generally just not familiar with a term that more accurately describes usedbear1950 or myself. But it's not really clear at all, except to establish that I am not heterosexual or homosexual. :soapbox:

[tom_uk]

I am with usedbear1950 on this one.

There need to be many more descriptive terms. I don't think the person that is honestly physically and emotionally attracted to both sexes should suffer the same term that describes a guy that has too many beers and blows his neighbor on a whim or the girl that french kisses her roommate for a cheesy video. :

....... gets my vote - i hate the term bisexual, people think i just shag anything that moves - nothing could be further from the truth (well 99% of the time!) ... also "they" think it doubles your chances of sex, again wrong, telling a woman or man that you fancy, you also can have relationships with the opposite sex is not the best chat up line - and its way too late for me to lie about my past relationships

tom_uk

[OralBradley]

It's different for every individual. Usedbear said that he can find love with men as well as women, and I on the other hand am only attracted to men sexually. I've had several very close male friends over the years, but never once did I ever feel as though I was "in love" with them. There was never the feeling that I wanted to spend as much time with them as possible, and never the desire to express my feelings physically through touching, cuddling, and kissing the way I feel when I get close to a woman. For me, my curiosity to have sex with a man is purely physical, but for others like Usedbear it's more.

:flag2: :male: I have had presious few close emotional attachments in my long life, but have been sexually attracted to both men and women many times. I have been married twice; once quite disasterously and once that has lasted for almost 30 years.
I had a woman friend who wanted a sexual affair, but we both soon decided that we enjoyed being "friends" more than rather poor sex. I have a gay friend with whom I was I was "in love" and with whom I often cruised the Castro and slept with nude, but never had sex! My wife knew and approved of this, and would prossibly have been willing to share our bed with him. Now, at almost 77, I find myself virtually impotent with my wife (though still horny), and fantasize often about sex with a guy.
You figure!

[bigregory]

is it just sex or something more?

man man, woman woman, man woman whatever - its all just sex, getting down and dirty, no love whatsoever, just a good fuckin.

...... until

you meet someone and your heart breaks when they are not with you, you want to sing with joy as they walk beside you down the street and you cry with joy and pain as you watch them sleeping.

Man man, woman woman, man woman whatever - its all just sex or love and all points in between


tom_uk

What TOM said :three:

[usedbear1950]

I am flattered that APMountainMan was moved by my thoughts to start this thread. I find this discussion and the views posted to be part of the journey to find ourselves. I have never been in love with a man who I have had sex with, to date, but I do not rule out the possibility. I know that I have the capacity to love, I know that love comes in many forms and not all of them involve sex. Romantic love is only one form.
I often use a commercial for diamonds as an analogy for the definition of love. The scene is of a young couple running through a park on a sunny but brisk autumn day. As they amble down the lane they come upon a rather old couple. The are bundled up against the cool afternoon, they are walking slowly and silently. They are holding hands. This old couple is making love. They are fully clothed and the heat of passion we experience in our youth has ebbed but the heart of passion remains.
I have a male friend who I love as a brother, who I would give my live to protect. I think that physical love between us would ruin our relationship, however, there is a man I have recently met who I could have a long term relationship that will include sex. Do I envision setting up house, no. Do I envision monogamy, no. What would you call this type of realtionship? I don't have a clue...well maybe one...a loving relationship. And isn't that what it's all about in the end.

"I am what I am and that's all that I am..."

[FSJeepguy]

For me it's (man to man) not just about sex. Sure I can have sex just for sex sake but I enjoy getting to know someone first.
No, I've never fallen in love with another man, but I have fallen "in lust". Having not had too many male sexual relationships but enjoying the ones that I have had, I have found that on the one occasion that I just had "sex" with a guy it left me kind of unfulfilled. I guess like the ladies say "wham, bam, thank you mam" just isn't for me.

[unstable_one]

I too, am tired of classification. For the majority of my life I've considered myself to be gay. Guys arouse me -- hands down. I've been with plenty of them. I oblviously prefer males to females. Lately, I've taken an interest in certain women. I'd feel very strange becoming intimate with a woman without her knowing that I also like men. I don't tell people that I'm gay, b/c I choose not to wear it on my sleeve. At the same time, I hate it when people assume that I'm straight. There is also something that I feel from a man. It's something a little more magic than just sex. Its something very raw and primitive that happens. I think that I can have that same essence with a woman, but only if she's completley aware of my sexuality (whatever that is). That probably makes no sense, but oh well... it is what it is.

[searchingbrian]

Irregardless of your sexual orientation, people can love or have sex. For me, I find it unfulfilling to have "sex" without some emotional attachment to the person you are with (unless you are really inebriated! lol) at least to some extent. But just like men and women can have sex with each other without love. men and women can have same sex relationships with or without love. Personally, I have never really "loved" another man and that is why I have never had a real "relationship" with another man. I have always loved women. But I can certainly understand when a man DOES love another man. It just probably won't be me doing that.

I don't think I've really clarified the issue! lol

[APMountianMan]

Again, thanks for all the openness in your comments. It really has been enlightening.

English is such a poor communication devise. Even the Greek philos, eros, and agape don't seem to be descriptive enough to explain the types of love expressed here. I don't like labels in the general but it does seem they are in the category of "you can't live with them and you can't live without them."

I suppose that I am a romantic. For me, there has to be some sort attraction on another level other than physical for me to be erotically involved with some one -- male or female. Note I didn't say I couldn't be erotically attracted to them first, but to take that next step, for me, there has to be something more.

One writer wrote that people think that because one is bisexual that one would have sex with anything that moves. I have also come across that paradigm and hate it. I hate that anything that is not Gay, Lesbian, or Transgender is categorized as bisexual.

There are definitely deferent degrees of bisexualism. I am glad this site is here and we can explore them all.
:cool:

[switch22]

I think I was in love with my friend. I could talk to him all night and just loved being with him. I never felt as close to my girlfriend as I did to him. And it wasn't just guy stuff. We really talked! But i never thought to make a move and he didn't so nothing happened. Around here I can date girls and they sort of want me to and it's just easier sometimes, so it usually last a long time. After he moved away I started thinking about it and started looking at what I got and wanted out of the people I was dating. I tried really hard to make them work and to be honest. I was in love with this one girl. I still think about her all the time and I still get a lump in my throat when I do. But it just didn't work. Since then I've not really dated anybody. All the guys I've been with have been one offs or really short term.
I don't know what it's like to really date a guy and it kinda scares me, really. Not just because around here it ain't safe, it just sacres me. Maybe it didn't work out so well with a woman because she could only understand me so much and a guy might understand me better. Or maybe I just don't think a guy can love me back as much as a girl can.
:flag2:

[APMountianMan]

"We really talked!"

And thus all great relationships are born. When I think of the people that I have loved the most, it is this trait that is the repeating theme. Sex is great; communion is the best.


:cool:

[oralolder]

I'm not sure where to start this post, but here goes some ramblin:
I am a Bi male and after a little more than 7 decades, I don't think I know what real love is. let me explain please. From what post I have read on this site,and others, I can say that I have never felt the kind of deep feeling some here have stated. At least I didn't recongnize it. I truely cared for my departed wife of many years, and mostly refrained from male to male contact during that time, also for employment consideration. Now back to the topic of this forum.
I had a one sided relation with my best teen friend through high school and for several years thereafter. I liked him as a friend and the many things we had and did in common, but I never felt like kissing him on the mouth or cuddling with him. Of course the fact that he was straight and did not recipricate my services may have played some roll in that. I was pure lust and sex for his penis. So, after years of none participating in male male sex while married, and the wife now gone, I am back into servicing males. Now, while I still like the ladies, I find I am unable to do much for them. You see, after all these years the gd plumbing does not work. Guess the joke is on me. Still I like to be friends with a guy before the sex, that is not always possible. I do not reqret anything I have done, but may do so with something I didn't do. Looking back, I ponder what I have missed in life by not having and/or being able to share some of those deeper feeling expressed in so many of these posts.
I am not sure just how this fits into this topic but hope it does. I really like the site and the many nice people that frequent it, expecially the chat forum.
....oralolder

[searchingbrian]

I would have to say that I have never really been "in love" with a man. It just isn't the same as with women.. But that is just me. However, a nice guy standing there naked won't last long!! lol

[APMountianMan]

I'm not sure where to start this post, but here goes some ramblin:
I am a Bi male and after a little more than 7 decades, I don't think I know what real love is. let me explain please. From what post I have read on this site,and others, I can say that I have never felt the kind of deep feeling some here have stated. At least I didn't recongnize it. I truely cared for my departed wife of many years, and mostly refrained from male to male contact during that time, also for employment consideration. Now back to the topic of this forum.
I had a one sided relation with my best teen friend through high school and for several years thereafter. I liked him as a friend and the many things we had and did in common, but I never felt like kissing him on the mouth or cuddling with him. Of course the fact that he was straight and did not recipricate my services may have played some roll in that. I was pure lust and sex for his penis. So, after years of none participating in male male sex while married, and the wife now gone, I am back into servicing males. Now, while I still like the ladies, I find I am unable to do much for them. You see, after all these years the gd plumbing does not work. Guess the joke is on me. Still I like to be friends with a guy before the sex, that is not always possible. I do not reqret anything I have done, but may do so with something I didn't do. Looking back, I ponder what I have missed in life by not having and/or being able to share some of those deeper feeling expressed in so many of these posts.
I am not sure just how this fits into this topic but hope it does. I really like the site and the many nice people that frequent it, expecially the chat forum.
....oralolder


I think this is more that relevant to what is being posted here. You express a mix of feelings and relationships that we all have to ponder. Is it just worth the sex to be with a man? Should friendship come first? Should we deny our desires for the sake of wife and job? How could these questions not be relevant? What does bi - same sex love look like?

Me, I am merely the voice of the questioner. If you find wisdom in what is asked, or what is answered, then we have accomplished that much.


:cool:

[Woody]

Sex with a guy for me has always been about having some no strings fun with a trusting friend,nothing more,nothing less.The intimate,deep relationship has always been about a woman.I'm not someone into one nighters,man or woman,I have to know and like who they are.

[PeterH]

I can relate to much of what has been said above. But for me the answer goes about two steps further.
I could not be physically intimate with someone I would not feel deeply emotionally intimate with as well, which in practise is the same having a lasting relationship with that person. I'm the kind of person that wants to talk openly about things, and I've found out that if another person doesn't open up likewise, i cannot be intimate with that person.
As some previous posters, I also feel uncomfortable describing myself with the term bisexual, because it's so completely inadequate in expressing the emotional part. I also would not use the term polyamorous to describe myself, because I do not want to have relationships with many people.
As a solution, I use the term biamorous, which I define as 'wanting to be in an intimate relationship with members of both sexes.'
To me sex is a natural part of a lasting intimate relationship and I don't really understand how lust, or just physical attraction, or whatever it is, seems to be enough reason for some to have sex. If I had posted a topic like this, and had not known better, it would have been named sth like: Man to man, can it be just sex?

[bhg08054]

It hasn't been that long since I recognized my bisexuality, so I haven't had time to truly fall in love with a man. But I certainly think I could. However, I think I would be happier being in love with a couple, loving both the man and the woman. But perhaps that's because all of my experience so far has been with couples. I have not yet been alone with a man.

[Sparks]

I don't feel that I could ever fall in love with another man. My passion is with women. I do, however, can have a loving respect for another man who is open enough to share with in a homosexual relationship. That means commuication comes first. My heart will always be more attracted towards women. But having a discreet male friend to share a sexual relationship with is well within my comfort zone. :2cents:

[ambi53mm]

“as a bisexual man have you ever been in love with another man? Or are you more comfortable being emotionally attached to women and not to men?”

I just finished reading all the different posts on this thread and my heart felt thanks to all that have contributed. The thoughts and feelings expressed demonstrates a level of brotherhood and gut honest communication that I’ve never found anywhere else and I feel honored to be among you as you search your thoughts hearts and souls for answers to questions that we have all had one time or another ,or that we continue to struggle with.
The difficulty I find in regarding the question at hand lies with the term “in love”.
I think back to all the times in my own life where I’ve been told, “I love you but, I’m not in love with you”. I can still feel the remnants of the pain and sting of those words, and the visions of a world crumbling before my very eyes. I learned fast early on in my life that If I wanted out of a relationship better to be the one to leave than to be the one left. When it comes to painful endings….”tis better to give than to receive”.
It’s only been in the last few years that I’ve been able to comprehend love at all. I have loved a few men in the way a man can love another man but it hasn’t been in the romantic way. I have never been “in love” with another man but can certainly understand that when the spirit is moved in that way gender has little do with it. My emotional attachments have always been somewhat equally distributed between men and women. I have loved both but always in a more superficial sense. Only now, late into this life can I look back in comparison and for the first time say, “I’m in love”. My wife has been my greatest teacher. If you’re able in this life to find someone you can honestly fall in love with, and are fortunate enough to have that love returned, then gender becomes unimportant. Had her spirit inhabited a male body would we have come together….I don’t know….but those that guide my path I believe always have my best interest at heart and know me better than I know myself.
I love and enjoy sex with both sexes. Most of my sexual experiences have been with women because most of my relationships have been oriented in that way. I have come to recognize in myself that my sexual energy has always been a very dominant force within me as far back as I can remember. My earliest sexual experiences were with members of my own sex prior to puberty. Throughout my life I have enjoyed sex sometimes for the sake of sex and sometimes as an expression of what I perceived as love. Sex is still a very dominant force in my life. I still enjoy sex with both sexes but, I do draw a distinction between love and sex.

Ambi