fiance is bi, what does this mean for us?

[stankywhore]

my fiance is bi. i knew this when we started dating and we've known eachother for a long time and are really perfect together. lately though, it seems that her bisexuality is at the root of many of our arguments. i see her checking out a woman and it really makes me angry and jealous. we've known eachother for four years and have been engaged for a year. i am growing increasingly jealous and fear that this issue may be the end of us.
despite my suspicion, she insists that she wants only this monogomous relationship. i don't see how she can be happy while denying that part of herself. is it possible to be bisexual and stay in a happy, strictly monogomous marriage for the rest of our lives?! a huge part of me doesn't think that it is, and it is driving me nuts!
i love her very much and she says she loves me, but i know that because she is bi there will always be something that a woman can give her that i can't. i think that the main reason that i would think about ending the relationship would be a sort of self-preservation. in my mind i would be guarding myself from some future hurt when she decides suddenly that she wants to be with a woman.
it is this preparation for some percieved inevitable fall-out that, i think is killing us.
what do i do?!?!?!?!?!?

[jasforjas]

For my :2cents: this is all about you and your fears
your fears might be correct - but you need to ask her.

good luck

:)

[tom_uk]

I don’t think you will want read my post.

I am a male that likes both men and women and have learnt that it is almost impossible, for me, to suppress some of my personality and desire. Most “bisexuals” have real problems with monogamy, its not that we are just randy as hell (well we could be) but we need the closeness and contact of both males and females as sometime or other.

Can I just make one suggestion that could help? Getting angry and jealous will only make thing ten times worse. If you do love her, as you say, why would you want to make her unhappy? Living a life of repression is not good and will only lead to disaster, as I know from experience. If she is happy be happy yourself. Hard work – but could it be the sign of true love?

Good Luck x

[Flounder1967]

Stanky,
I an a bi man who's wife is in the same position that your a in. I just want to let you know that she mostly will always want to be with. We are in a mono relationship. I have feelings of wanting to be with other men, but my wife isn't comfortable with the idea. To me it would just be sex. I love my wife and always want her. I am not denying any part of me to be with guys because she isn't comfrtable with me with any other people. we have been married for 10 and knew eacher other for 5 years before that. At least she confied in you up front it was years before i could admit to myself let alone her about my feelings.

The one thing I would like to try relate to you is that you wife does love you and sounds like you are enough for her and that is she really wants. I hope that you will be able to understand her better.

:flag2:

[Mrs.F]

Hi Stanky,
I am Flounder's wife. (the one that wrote on here right before me).
I know what you are feeling and what you are thinking. After finding out he was bisexual and had urges to be with men (again) I feared that I was not enough and never would be. I feared he would leave or cheat. (how do I compete with a man?, just like how do you compete with a woman?) I have thought it all. Everything running through your mind is normal! :rolleyes:
But, in the few months that I have known he is bi, we have done alot of crying, alot of talking and alot of rediscovering each other. And because of that, I am doing ok and I'm learning that life goes on and will go as it always has!

What I want to tell you is....She loves YOU! She wants to marry YOU! YOU ARE what she wants. And yes, you can have a mono marriage. The fears you have are normal, but both of you need to talk and keep talking about it. It took many "I love you's" and "I am very happy with you" from my husband before I realized I was driving myself crazy by my own thoughts and fears. I believe him when he says that he will be happy with never being with a man, but I can't get upset with him for talking about it. Talking about it doesn't mean he will act on it. I had to put the jealousy feelings away. They were only hurting me.

In time this will get better, but keep those lines of communication open. If you have a fear, or feel like you just need to discuss something...then talk, ask and deal with it together!

Coming here will help alot too. There are a few of us str8 folks on here with bi spouses and it doesn't matter if your str8, bi or gay. We are all here to help each other. :)
Mrs.F

[moonlitwish]

Stanky~
I must concur with Flounder and his Mrs. on this one-it is *possible* to live in a monogamous marriage where 1 or more partners is bisexual. However (sorry, but is is better that "but" isn't it?), it depends solely on those partners' desire to be monogamous. I also agree with tom in that the reason my husband of 3 yrs and I have decided not to be wholly monogamous is that bisexual ppl often feel the need for closeness of whatever sex their partner isn't. I know I crave the touch of a woman, despite my love for my husband.
I gave my hubby leave in the first year after we were married to sleep with whomever he wished-on the condition that I 'approved'. I am able to do that without jealousy b/c I know that he is commited to me and our marriage. (btw-my hubby's straight) To know that the one I love is being pleasured makes me happy, esp. when I am unable to give it to him.
If you truly love each other and are committed to one another, any arrangement you come across will be worthwhile. Try thinking outside the box for your solutions to your probs and you might find a little something extra special for the both of you :bigrin:
Just know you are not alone and that your anger and jealousy will accomplish nothing. :2cents:

[Lorcan]

There is hope Stanky. Some of the bisexuals who say they want a monogamous marriage actually mean it.

I haven't been with another girl in 12 years (before i got married). But i sure do LOOK! :bigrin: My experience was that it didn't matter what sex a person was; it was how i felt about them. So i don't have to have both.

What is cool is that my husband isn't jealous and i can share my appreciation of the female figure with him. Jealousy will tear you appart just as surely as cheating will.

I can't speak to what your fiance with do. But it is possible to be monogamous and satified if you're like me.

[guyfromdenver]

Well you have to make the chioce. I am bi and remain faithful to the women I love. There are options. One, trust her. Two, leave her. Three, make bisexuallity part of your sex life. I have been with bi and straight women, and as long as there are no lies, and as long as I always know what is going on then they are free to fuck other people as long as I am too. If her bisexuallity is the root of a lot of your fights then you had better seriously consider your future with her. She is not going to change.

Tim

[Bi-ten]

Hi Stanky,

Just a few points about relationships that I have experienced or read about that most of us learn the hard way.

1. You cannot change anyone- many people I speak with will admit that they would like their spouse to be a certain way, there is even a play called 'I love you, you're perfect, now change! The essential truth is that you cannot change anyone, in any way...if you do it is because they are sacrificing themselves for your wishes, is that what you really want?

2. Everyone will change- this beautiful woman you marry will change, as will you. If you are not changing what are you learning? You may like these changes, you may hate them...but unless you accept them unconditionally, one or another of you may want to leave the relationship.

3. No pain, no gain- One thing that I can guarantee is that in love there is pain. All the growing and changing we do, our attempts to control others, our struggles with jealousy, sexuality, illness, injury, loss...it all hurts...guaranteed! This is not all doom in gloom, it is life! With love comes bliss, joy, and pain...it is your reaction to these things that will make your life a happy one, or a miserable one.

The choice is yours, this woman may be bisexual, but she is no different than anyone else. She still loves the same, and it appears that she loves you. I think the ball is in your court.

Regards

[Lisa (va)]

I have to agree with Lorcan. I also believe gender is secondary to the person. As a sexual being I can have a monogamous relationship with a person, be it male or female. no one says you have to have both. All you can do is talk and be open and honest with each other, let her know your reservations about her being bisexual and not only hear but listen to what she has to say.

Lisa
hugs n kisses