Married and Dating?

[AshMash]

I am married right now, but the guy's a total dick! I have started exploring my options recently. I know it's not right but I can't help it. Is it still considered cheating if you don't "do" anything with anyone?

[wlynly]

pres. jimmy carter said he had lusted in his heart but never was unfaithful. each of us makes our own decisions, right and wrong. If you feel this way now , how will it be in a year? make the effort to talk, and if it doesnt work out, then follow your instincts. you have them for a reason.

[NinjaViking]

If you're not doing anything, then they are basically just like good friends. Married people are allowed to have friends, so you aren't doing anything wrong.

[AshMash]

lol ty.. to both of u... and "DJ" LMAO figures u'd say that .. lol :) <3 ya hun!

[NinjaViking]

lol ty.. to both of u... and "DJ" LMAO figures u'd say that .. lol :) <3 ya hun!

Well yeah! <3 Now on the other hand, if you do happen to do something with that other person, that's a different story. Just saying! :cool:

[AshMash]

:) seriously though... i feel bad ... but at the same time... i like it :(

[NinjaViking]

:) seriously though... i feel bad ... but at the same time... i like it :(

Well if he's being a dick, sometimes it feels like it can't be helped that you have to look around. You just want to be around someone who is nice for a change, and sometimes that grows. Another question you want to ask yourself is, what is cheating? Is it; Hanging out with someone? Going on a date? Kissing? Petting? Oral? Sex? Then make sure not to overstep the place.

[wefco2315]

Who is taking care of YOU.....is your other half???...YOU are the only one who is going to take care of you.....

The question does arise if things are that bad...then why don't you get out??? Although I know it is NEVER that easy.

Bottom Line...justify however you want...Take care of yourself!!!!!!!

I would rather have regrets for things I have done.....then have regrets for not doing them......

Bill

[rissababynta]

Cheating is all a matter of perspective. For instance, my husband and I both feel that if you are interested sexually or emotionally with someone else and you are going out with that person on dates and such, whether you physically do anything or not you are being unfaithful. Then there are people who see cheating as only a physical thing. It's all in a persons opinion.

If the situation is that bad where you are looking into being with other people, have you considered sitting down with hubby and talking about this? Maybe you both can come up with something to resolve the problems, maybe even with the help of a professional? In the end, it might just be easier on both of you if you just call it quits, then you wouldn't have to worry about if you are cheating or not.

[GalacticiaActual]

Life is too short. If you are being hurt and cheated on as you say, you may need to either take steps to mend your marriage, or move on. You may have to make some difficult choices in the beginning in order to pave the way to happiness in the end. The main thing is, don't bring yourself to his level and cheat.
I wasted my entire 30's trying to make the relationship work with my gf, and I regret wasting all that time today. :2cents:
Good luck.

[AshMash]

thanks guys for your advice... although im not sure what to do still... lol if i didn't care for him.. SO MUCH EASIER! :P

[PaulWaul]

Well Ash, you need to decide if your marriage is worth it. You may love the guy sure, but is the emotional pain of being with him worth being around him?
If you do find someone else, just be careful with what you do. You don't want to give him any ammo in the case of a divorce.

You know what the rest of my opinion is, just thought I'd recap it in general.

[someotherguy]

"I know it's not right but I can't help it."

What was the question?

Is something wrong made right because you can't help it?

Sure! Do whatever you want because it's all his fault!

That was easy.

[rissababynta]

"I know it's not right but I can't help it."

What was the question?

Is something wrong made right because you can't help it?

Sure! Do whatever you want because it's all his fault!

That was easy.

Well, I was knda thinking the same thing but, you put it so much kinder :tong:

[darkeyes]

Dusn matta wot u think or feel Ash hun.. its how 'e dus.. if 'e feels ya hav sum kinda relationship an ya havn told 'im othawise wetha or not ya do stuff wiv each otha an 'e don kno wot yas up 2 wiv otha peeps an so hasn agreed .. its cheatin'.. thinkya need 2 hav nice long chinwag wiv 'im an find out jus wer yas both stand.. an wot u wanna do bout it...

.. am not bein critical ofya hun..cos hav been ther in ur shoes mesel...:)

[AshMash]

so some ppl think it's best to talk it out. others think i should leave him. and like two people think i should do what ever i want. *smiles* lol so you guy think like me... lol problem is who's right? lol ^.^ well i will take in every bit of advice i get. thanks guys! <3

[rissababynta]

That's just it, there is no one here that is right or wrong. You and your husband are the only ones that can determine what is right and wrong in and for your relationship.

[AshMash]

lol :) thx i actually had a talk with him last night... i told him that i was considering looking elsewhere... all he had to say was ok... he didn't seem to care. i asked him if it bothered him at all?! he said.. there is nothing he can do if i want to leave. wtf is up with that? what happened to fighting for the one you love?! sheesh... *sigh*

[jamieknyc]

lol :) thx i actually had a talk with him last night... i told him that i was considering looking elsewhere... all he had to say was ok... he didn't seem to care. i asked him if it bothered him at all?! he said.. there is nothing he can do if i want to leave. wtf is up with that? what happened to fighting for the one you love?! sheesh... *sigh*

It's called passive-aggressive behavior, Ash

[someotherguy]

lol :) thx i actually had a talk with him last night... i told him that i was considering looking elsewhere... all he had to say was ok... he didn't seem to care. i asked him if it bothered him at all?! he said.. there is nothing he can do if i want to leave. wtf is up with that? what happened to fighting for the one you love?! sheesh... *sigh*

You called him a dick, and it's pretty clear you don't like him. He has to know that. I think he's right about there being nothing he can do if you want to quit. He probably doesn't want to take the bait and fight to prove he loves you. He's probably given some thought to how much peace of mind he would have if he wasn't in a rocky relationship, and somehow knows things will only get worse if he plays along with the challenges, ultimatums and emotional tantrums that are the mainstay of the relationship. Fighting for a relationship is not the same thing as fighting as the relationship. You can't save a relationship by fighting the other person. I'm guessing that if you treated him like a partner instead of an adversary he would act more like a partner than an adversary.

Sometimes people pick fights with their mates so they can justify stepping out. They fight, break up temporarily, use that as the excuse to go have their affair, and it works great when the one you cheat on comes chasing after, because not only did you get laid by that other partner, you got the mate to beg you to come back! It's eriously twisted but without the wherewithal to be sincere, direct and kind, people do what they can to get what they need.

[Realist]

I'm wondering how you would have reacted if he had said he really wished you'd stay and see if you two could come to an agreement and compromise?

I've known those who feigned being mad, just so they could make up....were you doing that?

Did you want to make up, or did you want him to give you a reason to move on with your search for love and fulfillment?

Do you really know why you're doing this?

These are questions I'd ask myself during this situation.

[**Peg**]

It's called passive-aggressive behavior, Ash

right on the button jamie...

[rissababynta]

lol :) thx i actually had a talk with him last night... i told him that i was considering looking elsewhere... all he had to say was ok... he didn't seem to care. i asked him if it bothered him at all?! he said.. there is nothing he can do if i want to leave. wtf is up with that? what happened to fighting for the one you love?! sheesh... *sigh*

The human brain is an amazing thing. Some people are upset by everything, some people are bothered by nothing. Some people react negatively to things that upset them, some act positively. He could love you enough where if you are not hppy with him than he wants you to do what will make you happy, or he could be tired of the relationship as well. A person can show they care in many ways that does not include fighting over it. Every individual is so totally different. Unless someone were to sit down with the two of you regularly and break down everything about the two of you, there really is no way to pinpoint exactly why he reacted the way he did.

[csrakate]

Dusn matta wot u think or feel Ash hun.. its how 'e dus.. if 'e feels ya hav sum kinda relationship an ya havn told 'im othawise wetha or not ya do stuff wiv each otha an 'e don kno wot yas up 2 wiv otha peeps an so hasn agreed .. its cheatin'.. thinkya need 2 hav nice long chinwag wiv 'im an find out jus wer yas both stand.. an wot u wanna do bout it...

.. am not bein critical ofya hun..cos hav been ther in ur shoes mesel...:)

I have to agree with Fran here....unless you TELL him he's being a Dick...and unless you TELL him that you're unhappy in the relationship, going behind his back isn't going to fix anything nor will it make you happy and it would still be considered cheating. Lay it all on the table first....talk with him honestly and openly and let him know how you feel. And if at that point he's still a dick, then tell him you feel it's time to move on....passive aggressive behavior is just as unhealthy as lying and cheating...time to put the cards on the table once and for all. Be honest with one another and then take it from there.

[rissababynta]

One of the FIRST things that are taught in psychology is that unless you can figure out the root of the problem and fix it, things will never fully change. Maybe it's time for you two to just dig deep.

[AshMash]

ok guys... who spilled the beans to hubby? last night head made me a lobster and steak candle light romantic music... the whole shpeel... then we made love... WTF! when i'm ready to leave him, he does that. well hm... just dont know n e more.

[PolyLoveTriad]

When you marry someone, does that include your emotions? Marriage isnt just sex, its friendship and emotions too. Sorry but I would say even if you cheat emotionally its cheating.

If your marriage is so bad youre exploring your options, I would kick his ass to the curb and move on.

[AshMash]

OK! HOLY SHIT! talk about fucking UP N DOWN!!! now i get a rogers bill with a shit load of porn on it... (not a problem) he swears he didn't order them. more then $200 worth of movies.... Rogers is saying they can't reverse the charges cuz they had to be order as it was from our remote. Is he lying or what?!

[sprite]

after 23 years of monogomous living, transitioning to an open relationship so that he can satisfy his need to be with men, we have defined cheating as not being honest, or rather not telling what is going on; if he dates without telling me, that is cheating; if I know and am ok with it, that is not cheating. Fantasies in the mind are not included....:) hope that helps...

[Bicpl4u2pa]

Your profile indicates you've been "cheated on". Hmmmmm. So he cheated on you first?
Ever ask yourself WHY? It takes TWO people for a relationship to work. You both are at fault since clearly something lacking in your relationship made him cheat first.
Ever think its possible that HE felt first what you are just feeling now?
Get counseling, but BOTH of you need to go. Don't go just by yourself since one side of a story is always biased and they counselor CANT really help your relationship. If you go alone they will probably screw it up worse which WILL lead you to go seperate ways. :2cents:

[PaulWaul]

Your profile indicates you've been "cheated on". Hmmmmm. So he cheated on you first?
Ever ask yourself WHY? It takes TWO people for a relationship to work. You both are at fault since clearly something lacking in your relationship made him cheat first.
Ever think its possible that HE felt first what you are just feeling now?
Get counseling, but BOTH of you need to go. Don't go just by yourself since one side of a story is always biased and they counselor CANT really help your relationship. If you go alone they will probably screw it up worse which WILL lead you to go seperate ways. :2cents:

Dude, your wrong there. It doesn't always require fault on either party for cheating to happen, and in many cases its because (s)he "gets lonely" or loses interest, or some damn thing.

[rissababynta]

Dude, your wrong there. It doesn't always require fault on either party for cheating to happen, and in many cases its because (s)he "gets lonely" or loses interest, or some damn thing.

I have to agree. There doesn't have to be something lacking from a relationship that was created by either party. Sometimes people just simply can't help themselves too, there are many reasons why one cheats.

[FalconAngel]

If you want a new relationship, then do the right thing and split up before exploring a new relationship. Doing it the way that you are will just make things far worse than they are.

And yes, it is cheating. Pursuing a romantic relationship with someone other than your spouse, while you are married to them, is cheating as much as if you slept with that other person.

[AshMash]

hm...well 1.) he has never been honest with me since we met! (my own stupidity for saying "i do") and 2.) i don't really have the cash to "seek help"... well not for a little while. But thanks guys! both good points. also, i haven't really done anything for it to be cheating. just going out.. like friends... not pursuing a "romantic relationship". sad to say i have eyes for only him. as much as i flirt and carry - on...and HATE HIM!! ... the only one (well as of right now!) that i am attracted to is hubby...

[rissababynta]

hm...well 1.) he has never been honest with me since we met! (my own stupidity for saying "i do") and 2.) i don't really have the cash to "seek help"... well not for a little while. But thanks guys! both good points. also, i haven't really done anything for it to be cheating. just going out.. like friends... not pursuing a "romantic relationship". sad to say i have eyes for only him. as much as i flirt and carry - on...and HATE HIM!! ... the only one (well as of right now!) that i am attracted to is hubby...

You don't need to have the cash in order to get help. There are government programs that you could find that would help and there are many therapists who charge based off of income. I've known people who have see counselors/therapists/psychologists etc for as little as ten bucks. Do a little searching and you will find that there are options for you other than saying "oh well, I can't afford it" and then giving up.

[Vikkster230]

If what you want is your hubby, then you not only have to tell him, then you might actually have to tell him everything you want... Yes he should kind of know what you like since you're married to him, but he is a "dick" and that doesn't mean he does. If what you want is someone else, then give you and him the courtesy of closure to pursue what you want... You have to figure out what you truly want. Maybe you need to start dating your hubby. Just my :2cents: