Evil Panda needs to bitch about something.

[evilpanda]

I'm sure trolls will have a field day with this, but I don't give a rat's bollocks.

Picture this. You're talking with your friends and they keep pestering you with questions about why you're so committed to being single. And you keep feeding them the same explanation you've rehearsed a billion times in your head.

You explain that you have a very active life and are very career focused and just aren't relationship material. Which is all true. But, it still is weird, apparently, for most people to accept and, for some reason, they insist on trying to make you see it their way. They assume you are just fishing for compliments and what you want to hear is that, one day, you will meet the right person, settle down and blah blah blah.

However, deep down, you know there is another reason that most people don't know about, even your good friends. That reason happens to be someone in your past, a friend and confidant, with whom you fell in love. But, you spent your years of friendship doing the Ross and Rachel dance, both of you in bad relationships when you knew you should have been with each other. But, before you could tell this person that she was the one and you were madly in love with her, she dies in a car accident for something as stupid as not wearing her seatbelt. And she was only 24, two years younger than you.

Three years, a few random partners, and one failed relationship later, you find yourself feeling nothing for pretty people in love on TV, the words to romantic songs sound like meaningless drivel, and the only sex you are interested in is with yourself.

When you're with your friends at work, the last thing you want to do is bring up your dead love, lest they think you are a queer emo who is making shit up to get attention. Worse, they might believe you and then everything gets awkward. So, you give the same macho answers you always do and then, feel the need to flirt and act sexy, when you know that there is a big hole in your now bulletproof heart, and your ability to love and be in love is effectively dead. And the worst part is... you don't want to change back to the way you were before. Because it just means you would have to go through that again.

Picture that. It blows.

(I'm not looking for feedback or advice. I know I'm not the only one who lost someone. I'm just bloody tired and annoyed and kind of intoxicated and it's been eating at my insides. I just had to get that out of me and put it down in words somewhere. This seemed as good a place as any. Have a good night.)

[Georgie_Girl]

*Hug*

[Vikkster230]

I know you're not looking for a response... I'm sorry for your loss. It seems pretty clear to me that your still grieving. People just don't understand that the whole process last differently for everyone. You need to do what's best for you and not everybody can get that type of "oh that's why this isn't working/happening." We seem to live in a Noah's Ark type world where we can't be happy or ok if we're not paired up with someone. Hell I hear so many stories about people would rather be in a crappy relationship instead of being alone. I know that this isn't your situation, although people seem to be wanting that for you. Take the time that you need, and maybe if those around you knew why, they'd understand why you are choosing to go it alone. Again I'm truly sorry for your loss... *hug*

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Sometimes words dont need to be, Hon. Just accept a pair of big warm arms in a friendly embrace. :}
May peace find your heart and mind when its ready, Sweetie.
Cat

[rissababynta]

*Hug*

Perfect!

[Lonewolf76]

I know you're not looking for a response... I'm sorry for your loss. It seems pretty clear to me that your still grieving. People just don't understand that the whole process last differently for everyone. You need to do what's best for you and not everybody can get that type of "oh that's why this isn't working/happening." We seem to live in a Noah's Ark type world where we can't be happy or ok if we're not paired up with someone. Hell I hear so many stories about people would rather be in a crappy relationship instead of being alone. I know that this isn't your situation, although people seem to be wanting that for you. Take the time that you need, and maybe if those around you knew why, they'd understand why you are choosing to go it alone. Again I'm truly sorry for your loss... *hug*

Couldn't have said it better! Be true to yourself - always. LW

[onewhocares]

Evil.....I can offer you little but the biggest hug. Find love is not easy and when it is taken away suddenly it is even more devastating, especially when she did not know how you felt. As hard as these words are to hear...when you are ready..you WILL LOVE AGAIN. Be patient and try to live each day to the fullest. Your angel is watching you from above.

Belle

[jem_is_bi]

After a personal lose like that you can’t change back to the way you were before. Nor, will that experience be the last event that irreversibly changes your life. But, eventually after the pain subsides, you have to learn how to really like the new you. Then you will smile when others try to help you feel happiness again. But, it is going to take time to heal your soul.

[evilpanda]

Thank you for your support. ;)

[evilpanda]

You were kind to me when you didn't have to be.
You were brutally honest when I was too blind to see.
You saw me at my worst and most vulnerable,
but you didn't stop being my friend.
You had feelings, but you didn't tell me.
I guess you were waiting for me to go first.
I never did. I don't know why I was afraid to tell you how I felt.

I was too busy fucking girls I didn't care anything about.
You were hurt. You thought I couldn't see it, but I knew I had stung you.
You thought I felt nothing for you. But you were wrong.
And then, you died.
I was a fucking idiot.
So were you. You didn't buckle your seatbelt and that piece of shit Nova crumpled like a paper cup.
When Matt told me what had happened...
Every cell in my heart screamed.

But, things could have turned out differently.
I could have said yes to that pool hall date instead of "some other time"
I could have met you for that yoga class we never did
I could have told you that you were the only one who understood me and saw the world as I did.
Would you still be alive if I had told you how I felt?

You loved Radiohead and Six Feet Under and weed.
You were so full of life.
You were going to be an architect.

It's been two and a half years since you left us.
I still see you everywhere I go.
Your onyx black hair and your pearly ivory skin.
Your tattoos and that incredibly tacky nail polish.

I am searching the planet for a single spark of solace
I don't care if I never love again. Don't give a shit now.
I have to believe that you are still out there somewhere, in the universe of space and time.
I hold out hope that I will be able to see you again, hold you in my arms and finally tell you how much you mean, and always meant to me.

I miss you, Claudia. And I love you.

[Hephaestion]

Dear Evil,

Your poem tells of guilt and regret. I understand these feelings in having lost people near to me, wronged, never appreciated enough and it is too late.

Just for a second, imagine the pain and anguish of others: the widowed mother; orphans of war; those who have outlived their children; those who have lost everything. I used to know an old German fellow who lost family and fortune in WW1. In WW2 it happened again. An innocent victim throughout and indefatigable to the end.

You have put your person on a pedestal and you are treating them as the existing center of your life. It has been 2.5 years. There is nought can be done except learn from the experience. Take a deep breath of clean fresh air and carry on. It is time to let her go.

Do not move on in a random self destructive fashion. Be very careful not to compare or to harbour bitterness and rage. In your memories there will be good times. Remember these with fondness. Almost certainly you have reasoned these matters out for yourself.

When you are ready for another relationship, it will happen and you won't even notice except that there will be another warm and caring body next to you, sharing experiences, with cold feet, stealing the duvet, making demands and you will love every moment.

Warm regards

H.

[Lonewolf76]

EvilPanda,

Fisrt let me say - what an awesome poem - there is no doubt in my mind that those words came, not only from your grieving heart, but from the very essence of your soul. I do agree with others that you need to eventually move on. Don't let your grief trap you within it's web. Claudia would not want that for you I'm sure. I am wiccan and we have a little exercise we do - I'm going to share it with you in the hopes that it helps. Keep in mind, it's only a suggestion - do whatever feels right for you.

When you are ready:

Write that poem that came from the deep center of your heart and soul in pen and ink, go to one of your favorite spots that connected you with Claudia. Sit and meditate on everything she was to you, share your thoughts with her, then light the paper and let your words and thoughts be carried up to her on the smoke and release her.

I've found that this little "ritual" works well for me - Whatever you do - I hope that you find peace. Hugs & Blessings. LW

[rissababynta]

EvilPanda,

Fisrt let me say - what an awesome poem - there is no doubt in my mind that those words came, not only from your grieving heart, but from the very essence of your soul. I do agree with others that you need to eventually move on. Don't let your grief trap you within it's web. Claudia would not want that for you I'm sure. I am wiccan and we have a little exercise we do - I'm going to share it with you in the hopes that it helps. Keep in mind, it's only a suggestion - do whatever feels right for you.

When you are ready:

Write that poem that came from the deep center of your heart and soul in pen and ink, go to one of your favorite spots that connected you with Claudia. Sit and meditate on everything she was to you, share your thoughts with her, then light the paper and let your words and thoughts be carried up to her on the smoke and release her.

I've found that this little "ritual" works well for me - Whatever you do - I hope that you find peace. Hugs & Blessings. LW


You have no idea how many times Tony and myself have had to do something like this. I'm a fire element, so I already feel connection with fire, so a lot of my spell work incorporates something like that.

What I also like to do is write some kind of a spell (usually for releasing something) in pen on one of my cigarettes, and as it burns away he words, I meditate on what I'd like the outcome to be. SO, I'm doing a spell AND getting my smoke at the same time.

Wolfie is right Panda, even people who do not have our faith have found that little exercises like this helps, but to each their own. If you do something believing it won't work or being uncomfortable about it, then yeah, it's not going to work. So do what is best for you in the end.