I am bi, wife is not??????

[inthewoods]

I am new to this forum stuff but I need some bi friends to talk to. I am bi and my wife is straight. I never told her anything about my bisexual past when we met seven or eight years ago. I have not had a bisexual friend or any bisexual contact for more than 20 years. I figured I could live without it but that is not working very well. I think about it daily, I think about how I would love to have a bi friend. But I do not want to do this behind my wifes back, big problem, how do I tell my wife that I am bisexual?
Anyone with some thoughts on this would be great, I am sure there must be atleast one person in this forum that has gone through this. I would love to hear from both guys and gals so I can get some insight from both sides. Look forward to hearing from anyone and I hope I can find some bi friends here. Thanks

[Jimmy2ways]

I had a girlfriend once who didn't know at first, I told her after 6 months or so and you know what? She was fine about it! She even bought me a gay porn dvd once lol. But the point is you never know, it didn't work out for us but that was due to other circumstances. We spent 2 very happy years together afterwards and not once did it become an issue. I didn't have anything to do with any guys behind her back but she always said that it would be fine to do so...... just not in our bed and provided I was safe. I'm not saying your wife is gonna say, "That's great hunny" but if it's an issue you need to deal with it. Life's too short.

[arana]

Hi Inthewoods, I had a situation similar to yours. I didn't tell my husband for nearly 20 years that I was bi. He is very straight and when we first got together very homophobic. I invited a gay friend to dinner once after we were first married and he refused to even be in the same room with him. So naturally I kept my secret to myself. I never told a soul. I found this site by chance and started checking it out and met some very nice people who I found I could talk about anything with and they, for the most part, were very open and giving. No one judged or thought I was strange. After being here awhile I decided to tell my husband that I was chatting at the site and why. In recent years he's become more open minded so I thought I'd risk telling him and just see what happened. To my surprise he said he always thought maybe I was at least curious and was ok with that. He still is committed to our marriage being just us, but I am able to be more open without having to watch what I say. He still thinks I'm weird at times but maybe I am.
I'm assuming you want to find a guy to have fun with since you are worried about telling her and not too many spouses have a problem with "just a friend". I think you know your wife better than any of us and have an insight to how she feels towards certain things. Everything has its consequences and if you really want to have bi-friends/lovers then you will have to come clean with her about it. Negotiate something you both could live with. Good luck to you!

[Nikki Vandom]

I am bi and have been married for 8 years to a wonderful woman.I told her when we first started dating I had had some "experience's",I merely neglected to mention how many or how much fun I had.Well,last week,I told her everything.I did this b/c I wanted to be straight up w/ her and I feel confident enough in our relationship that I could.And, as I fully expected,she was totally cool w/ my identity.She even told me she had had quite a few experiences in her past aswell!We are the much closer for the conversation and she has even said I may persue "flings" as she refers to them provided1:Safe sex practices are followed and 2:I don't go behind her back...she wants to watch!WOO-HOO! :tong: Honesty is the best policy,to be sure!Best regards,N.V.

[tatooedpunk]

Hi in the woods
I confessed to my wife about 6 years ago,after we had been together 4 years
it was really hard to do and i think our relationship has been damaged even though she has never brought it up again so be carefull

[Michael623]

It is apparent inthe woods that this is something you need to resolve. You can see from the reply's to your thread and various comments in previous threads, that those who have told their s/o have had varying responses. I am very lucky in that my wife is sexually aroused by my bisexuality. She said she knew from the beginning I was bi, never really ever had to tell her, it just came about.

I can't imagine being with someone for a number of years and being sexually active with them and not have an idea how they would react. Certainly you have some clue. Being honest with her about your sexuality seems to be your best avenue at this time, I don't believe you can suppress it any longer.

Good luck,
Michael

[jacquespratt]

Hello everybody. I've been lurking around for a while and this is my first post.

When my girlfriend and I were at near the beginning of our relationship, she asked me while standing in my kitchen if it turned me off that she had some biseuxal tendencies. I said, "No. Does it turn you off that I do too?" It didn't. Some time after that, I had a chance to have my first experience with a man while she was out of town on business and I took it. It wasn't the greatest experience but it was fun and I will do it again when I find the right man to do it with. When she got back from her trip, we made love and I told her about it. She was actually happy for me that I had fulfilled this fantasy that I've had for a long time. I wasn't expecting that. I'm a very lucky man that I have an incredibly sexy girlfriend who loves sex as much as I do and is willing to let me explore my bi side from time to time. She is free to do the same and we've tried to find independent partners or a couple like us in our area with no luck. Most of the men that I've talked to have been married and I just don't want to be with a guy that it hiding from his wife even though that kind of guy is probably safer. I'm totally closeted, you see. My girlfriend knows about that side of me but I'm just not going to come out at the office or community and announce that I'm bisexual.

inthewoods, I invite you to email me through the link on my profile.

[Mrs.F]

inthewoods,
There is not going to be any easy way to tell your wife. As most have said already, You know her best and only you know how she may take this news.

I am a straight woman who has been married for 10 yrs. I had no idea he was bisexual until just a few months ago. My husband also ( I think) felt he could live the rest of his life, like you have. He had experiences in the past, met me, we married and life went on for both of us in a monogomous marriage. But suddenly the feelings came back for him. The bomb was dropped on me and it was very hard for me. I wish so much that I could be one of the wives that finds it a turn on. I have accepted him being bisexual and love him just the same. I don't look at him any differently then I did when I met him. But, letting him have relations with a man sexually is not in my comfort zone yet. He has accepted that and understands that time is needed. There is nothing more important then honesty and communication. He feels better now that I know and we have done alot of rediscovering each other, you would say. We have become closer and more intimate. But time, honesty and communication is the only thing that got us to the point we are at right now. Doing anything behind her back is just not a good idea and not fair to her at all. Not with all the diseases and such that are out there.

You have a hard decision to make and I wish you the best. :angel:
Mrs.F

[Greywolf269]

Hello, well I just told my wife last night, that I also wanted to be with a man. She was shocked at first, obviouslly, but she loved my honesty. I have never been with a man, in my 32 years. I had a life altering experience 3 yrs ago, which has brought about these feelings. I was starting to get severlly depressed, then I talked with a couple of married bi men on this site, and they told me to be honest with her. When I told her, the weight of the world came off my shoulders. She has told me that she loves me so much, and thanked me for being so honest with her. She also said we need to talk about this. Not in a bad way, just let's get everything out in the open. I can't guarantee it will be the same for u... But it was eating me up inside, for 3 yrs, I finally had 2 let her know, and came out, no matter what the consequences were. And now I am a better person, and I will do everything to make my marriage better.

[arana]

Hello, well I just told my wife last night, that I also wanted to be with a man. She was shocked at first, obviouslly, but she loved my honesty. I have never been with a man, in my 32 years. I had a life altering experience 3 yrs ago, which has brought about these feelings. I was starting to get severlly depressed, then I talked with a couple of married bi men on this site, and they told me to be honest with her. When I told her, the weight of the world came off my shoulders. She has told me that she loves me so much, and thanked me for being so honest with her. She also said we need to talk about this. Not in a bad way, just let's get everything out in the open. I can't guarantee it will be the same for u... But it was eating me up inside, for 3 yrs, I finally had 2 let her know, and came out, no matter what the consequences were. And now I am a better person, and I will do everything to make my marriage better.
Congratulations Greywolf!!!

[Mrs.F]

Greywolf,
I'm so happy for you. :)

I wish you the best from this day foward!!

:angel: Mrs.F

[bigregory]

inthewoods,
There is not going to be any easy way to tell your wife. As most have said already, You know her best and only you know how she may take this news.

I am a straight woman who has been married for 10 yrs. I had no idea he was bisexual until just a few months ago. My husband also ( I think) felt he could live the rest of his life, like you have. He had experiences in the past, met me, we married and life went on for both of us in a monogomous marriage. But suddenly the feelings came back for him. The bomb was dropped on me and it was very hard for me. I wish so much that I could be one of the wives that finds it a turn on. I have accepted him being bisexual and love him just the same. I don't look at him any differently then I did when I met him. But, letting him have relations with a man sexually is not in my comfort zone yet. He has accepted that and understands that time is needed. There is nothing more important then honesty and communication. He feels better now that I know and we have done alot of rediscovering each other, you would say. We have become closer and more intimate. But time, honesty and communication is the only thing that got us to the point we are at right now. Doing anything behind her back is just not a good idea and not fair to her at all. Not with all the diseases and such that are out there.

You have a hard decision to make and I wish you the best. :angel:
Mrs.F
Wow
Mrs. F has some great info here.
This topic comes up alot here and all i can say is honesty seems to work.
might not so good luck.
Its a tuff call you need to make, you know her better than me.
please tell her about all the ppl. here that will bend there fingers back helping her with any thing she has a problem with, or answers to any question she has.
KISSES

[scubaman]

Morning In the Woods, I told my wife and she was understanding and said she knew a long time ago and to date is supportive. I had told her I had experiences in the past, but thought I could go on forever and not have them again. As stated before, feelings returned and after confessing to her I was bisexual, I feel better about myself, and my wife and I are closer. Even though I have not been with another man for a long time, the fact she knows and is supportive means everything to us. She kids me about it and she even bought a subscription to the Randy Blue website! The decision is a hard one to make and I wish you the best! If you would like to talk privetly please email me and I would be more than happy to chat with you.

[onewhocares]

Welcome to this site! One of the great things about being here is the ability to ask questions that are important to you. With so many people here, the responses to your questions are answers that have been shared over and over. Each time, hoping to help another. Hope mine helps.

I am the straight wife of a 44 year old bi man. We have been married twenty years and yes, I did know before we were married. I will be honest and say that I spent manyearly years always wondering the typical questions. If he found another man would he...love me..want me..our life and our family. Well now, years and years later I look back and see how much time I wasted. For it really had nothing to do with me.

It was just a part of him. A part of him he needed to have. A part of the man that I love and shall always love. Knowing that he likes to share himself with another male makes him no less of a man than any other. I love him. Denying him of this desire and need really is not loving him, in my opinion. I enjoy sharing that part of him also, which gives me an advantage over many woman on this site.

It is not always easy to be the wife of a bi man who does not wish to participate with him, or let him go alone. I am finding that women like me are few and far between. One thing which I noticed is that time and the hubands understanding of his wife's thoughts, concerns and feeling play a great part in the eventual compromise which is achieved. I say this now, but honesetly I do not think that I would have been so understanding and open ten years ago. I believe that I had to come to an understanding of myself first

That being said, I think that no one knows your wife as well as you do. Your actions should be thoughtful and made with full knowledge of the ramifications of what could happen. If it is not taken well then things could get ugly. That has happened. Oh the other hand you could be blessed with an understanding wife who will share it with you. There are those of us out here.

Communication is key, open and honest communication!


Also, this is a great site for your wife to come and find support.

Belle

[inthewoods]

Thanks every one for the responses, I wish it was easy but at least I have some things to think about. I thought it would be easy to not deal with bisexual feelings but the dam things just do not go away. So it is time to deal with it. Thanks again.

[Mrs. Taz]

inthewoods, just tell her, you will feel better after you do. things may be tough for a while, but just talk things out with her. thats what I did with my fiance and now he is coming to the site also and has been for a while now. this site has helped him to understand me better and to accept my bi side. He also knows I would never leave him for anyone else. I had to repeat myself lots of times to get him to believe me cause he became a little scared of that but he is ok now.honesty is always best. let us know how it went when you tell her,pls. :)

[jasforjas]

Ones worst fear is that your wife will pack up and leave – this does happen – but I suspect those wives are already hanging out by the door anyway.

If you come out to her your life will be better either with her - or with another person who truely loves you - all of you not just selected parts

All the best :flag4:

[innaminka]

My situation is similar to yours - I am bi - he's not.
I told him that I am bi - or at least that I've had sex with women about 6 years ago after it became obvious to him that a "friendship" I was having had to be more than just 2 gals enjoying wine and chats together.
I have never let my bi activities (except for that 1 time) impinge on our relationship and he's adopted a calculated "head in the sand" approach. He doesn't want to know as long as our relationship and our family are not affected - which thjey aren't.
There will never be an issue of 3'somes or anything and initially, the thought spiced up our own lovemaking.
My advice is - if possible keep your bi activities out of your homelife. Be honest but maybe don't volunteer too much.
It works for me (us) :tongue:

[red_riding_hood_27]

I have never let my bi activities (except for that 1 time) impinge on our relationship and he's adopted a calculated "head in the sand" approach. He doesn't want to know as long as our relationship and our family are not affected - which thjey aren't.
:

I don't think I could keep my "head in the sand". He lied to me about who he was and what he was doing for over a year. I rather deal with the emotions that I have then to deal with my over actived Imagination. (Now If I ever mispell words it is becuase I flunk spelling in school)(lol) I tend to think of the worse case. So as long as I know up front then I can deal with the emtions then work out a plan (with him) that will allow me to feel comfortable. Since Oct it has been day to day on how I feel. But I don't like to be left out of the loop. Too Much of a control freak for that. Just my :2cents: .

[guycurious]

I have had bi feelings since I was a child. With much regret I never experimented with other guys. My curiousity has been getting stronger for a while now and my wife does not know anything.

While discussing bisexuality one time she commented that the thought of me with another guy was not appealing.

I have been dropping what I think are pretty blatant hints but she is not picking up on them. I bought a strap-on which surprised her but she accepted it only because I was curious. We have only used it a couple of times always at my asking, never by her spontaneously. The first time we used it I made the comments, "I wonder what this says about my sexual preference." She said, "It's (the strap-on) still connected to a woman."

I make comments all the time about her being with another woman and she says, "Keep dreaming honey."

Hopefully someday I will have the strength to come clean....

[Mrs.F]

I have had bi feelings since I was a child. With much regret I never experimented with other guys. My curiousity has been getting stronger for a while now and my wife does not know anything.

While discussing bisexuality one time she commented that the thought of me with another guy was not appealing.

I have been dropping what I think are pretty blatant hints but she is not picking up on them. I bought a strap-on which surprised her but she accepted it only because I was curious. We have only used it a couple of times always at my asking, never by her spontaneously. The first time we used it I made the comments, "I wonder what this says about my sexual preference." She said, "It's (the strap-on) still connected to a woman."

I make comments all the time about her being with another woman and she says, "Keep dreaming honey."

Hopefully someday I will have the strength to come clean....

My husband was dropping hints here and there also and I NEVER caught on. I litterally had no idea even with his hints that he not only had been with guys in the past but wanted to again. I think I thought maybe he was just curious to try it (with me) but never took the hints seriously. After finding out about him, he said to me "I have been dropping hints for months now". I felt like an idiot!! :( She may not catch on and you'll be dropping hints forever. You must find the strength within to tell her. For your sanity and her's. :)

[Scooby]

first off hi everyone, this is my first post but hopefully not my last. I'd also like to say how much help this sites been in helping me to accept my bi side, i have been reading alot of posts before deciding to join, finaly i accept that im normal!

i came out to my wife after she found gay porn on the computer (something i used to look at to satisfy my urges then feel ashamed about). When she first found it she didnt want to be in the same room as me but after about a day she calmed down and wanted to find out what was going on so i told her the truth. She was shocked at first as she never had a clue but after we had a chance to accept the 'new' me our relationship became stronger than ever. It even turns out that the thought of 2 men is a turn on for her.

I dont know if its just me but i feel stupid for not telling her a long time ago

[Alice]

Hi

I'm a wife of a bi/gay man. To be honest I don't know what he is because despite having found gay stuff on the computer several times he is still flatly denying it. I've tried every approach possible and he threatens to leave me when ver the conversation comes up. Please, please, please tell your wife. If she's like me she may have already picked up 'something' and not be certain what it is. My husband is putting me through hell with his lies and deceit. Yet if he told me he was bi/gay and explained it to me I'm sure in time I could cope. I just can't cope with him gong behind my back.

I hope it all works out for your both.

Good Luck

[red_riding_hood_27]

Hi

I'm a wife of a bi/gay man. To be honest I don't know what he is because despite having found gay stuff on the computer several times he is still flatly denying it. I've tried every approach possible and he threatens to leave me when ver the conversation comes up. Please, please, please tell your wife. If she's like me she may have already picked up 'something' and not be certain what it is. My husband is putting me through hell with his lies and deceit. Yet if he told me he was bi/gay and explained it to me I'm sure in time I could cope. I just can't cope with him gong behind my back.

I hope it all works out for your both.

Good Luck

Well said Alice. Most of us Str8 ladies who are married found out by computer trail, I swear sometimes you guys want us to find out or just plain stupid. My husaband did the same thing denied it for about a year after I kept finding emails telling them to be discrete or porn. So Yes honesty is the best. I keep telling him he better never lie again, My husband never dropped the hints. But i keep wondering if he left it on his computer on purpose to get caught so he did not have to tell me or he was just really careless and stupid. I tell you this if he was talking with another woman and wanting to meet her for sex or cheated with another woman. I would have left without saying goodbye. And I would have "Nailed" his ass to the wall. So you see gender does play a roll in our relationship. At least this way I know It (in a way) is not me turning him off. Just his preference and in a way makes me feel a little better. My :2cents:

Angela

[Mrs.F]

Hi

I'm a wife of a bi/gay man. To be honest I don't know what he is because despite having found gay stuff on the computer several times he is still flatly denying it. I've tried every approach possible and he threatens to leave me when ver the conversation comes up. Please, please, please tell your wife. If she's like me she may have already picked up 'something' and not be certain what it is. My husband is putting me through hell with his lies and deceit. Yet if he told me he was bi/gay and explained it to me I'm sure in time I could cope. I just can't cope with him gong behind my back.

I hope it all works out for your both.

Good Luck

Alice,
I feel bad for you because you are willing to accept your husband if he is bi/gay and yet he can't accept it himself apparently! He has no reason whatsoever to threaten to leave you. All you are asking for is truth and honesty, which as his wife, you deserve! If he's going behind your back being on the computer and meeting guys, then you have every right to threaten him! You should not have to live your life guessing what it is he wants.
Good luck to you.......
Mrs.F

[pmg_ams01]

As ever, some very thought provoking and sensible comments on this thread. This site really is a godsend to a lot of people! Couple of things come to my mind on this:

Mrs F. / Alice,
You're absolutely right that a husband should not try to or have to "hide" aspects of himself from his wife. (a) it's deceiptful (always a bad move and the guilt never goes away) and (b) you get found out! (and then the recriminations start). However, that said, from the man's point of view it can be so difficult to articulate your desires and fantasies to someone who you love, especially when you think that they might not want to hear them. You're frightened by the consequences you imagine of what could happen. That's not an excuse, it's just a big complication in the whole equation.

For the men who are thinking about discussing their bisexuality with their partners, I can only talk from my recent experience - and I'm sorry to say it can be really tough. My wife has taken the attitude that it's my "problem" and I need to sort myself out. I've suggested she looks on this site and reads up about it. Several wonderful people have offered to speak to her directly but she's not interested (at the moment). I still think my marriage is worth saving - but we have to reach an agreement about what that means for both of us (and that's what we're still trying to work out).

The main thing I want to say is that having kept so much of this to myself for so many years, it was definitely the right thing to do to start discussing the subject with her (and I wish I'd done it many years ago). Not discussing my bisexuality was totally destructive to our relationship because both of us knew there was a big issue under the surface and there's only so long you can contain this. It turns out that she was convinced I was having "gay" relationships while I was working abroad, and she was paranoid that she was going to lose me and our wonderful home, and everything we've worked for in the past 15 years together. At least now I've convinced her of the truth - that I was not having any affairs (M or F!) while I was away, and I am able to say to her that I want her, and the last thing I want to do is move out. Maybe we can rebuild our marriage (I hope so), maybe not. All I know is that while the pain is real at the moment, there's a better chance now that the healing can begin than there ever was before.

Good luck to you - there's a lot of people going through exactly what you are at the moment but there's tons of support and love to help you through it.