allbimyself
May 5, 2005, 9:42 PM
Thought I'd post a few things (OK, a LOT of things) about myself as a form of introduction. No questions really but thought I'd tell my (sexual) life story... just need to talk to some like minded people.
My sexual journey started like most guys, a little fooling around with a friend. Didn't do much really, a little fondling, etc. That all came to an abrupt end when I was spending the night at a (different) friend's house. I was 12 or 13. We were asleep when my friend's older brother came home with his friend. They were 17 or 18. The two of them each took a turn raping me while the other pushed my face into the carpet. My "friend" pretended to sleep through it. I'm not going to dwell on the details, there's no point.
Fortunately, my family moved a long way away from that town the following summer. I spent my teen years fairly normally, except my experience made me quite homophobic, compounded by my undeniable bisexual urges. I blamed The Rape for my fantasies about guys... obviously I was quite confused. I had my first heterosexual experience when I was 17. The girl in question and I were quite active for a couple of years until we broke up.
During that time and the following few years I was quite happy sexually. My fantasies about men disappeared and I was immensely satisfied with sex with women. I was straight and all was right with the world.
When I was about 22 I started fantasizing about men again. This time I was able to be less emotional about it. I realized that The Rape had nothing to do with my sexuality (except causing me to repress it when I was younger). I realized I was (probably) bi and was surprisingly content.
I didn't act on my desires for a couple years. I wasn't sure if the reality would be as good as the fantasy. Nor did I know how I would initiate sex with a man. A high school buddy was living with a wonderful woman that we'll call "Jo." Jo and I had become very good friends. One evening her, "Rick" and I had been hanging out, having a drink and basically enjoying each other's company. It was late and Rick had had a bit much to drink so he headed off to bed. Jo and I continued to talk for awhile. I was closer to Jo then I had ever been to anyone in my life, including my lovers. I decided to come out to her. She only smiled and said "So am I." It was the first time she'd told anyone, too. I also told her that night about The Rape. She was also the first person I ever told about that. After that night, Jo and I were best friends.
Over the following years I eventually had sex with a man and I came out to some other friends. I was surprised to learn that not a few of them were bi as well. One particular couple we'll call "Dave" and "Elle." Elle is a very sexy woman. Attractive but not incredibly so. Just one of those women that is very comfortable with her sexuality and it shows. She's decidedly NOT bi. Dave is a very handsome man, green eyes with long lashes. I don't quite get it myself, but he's the type of guy that women throw themselves at. Dave is very bi and he and Elle have an open marriage. After I came out to them, Dave and I had a few private encounters. One evening a few years later, the three of us were spending an evening together. We were watching a movie on VHS and Elle fell asleep. After the movie was over the tape continued and went into a porn that Dave had recorded. We didn't have to watch that very long before he and I began to have sex. After a few minutes I realized that Elle had awakened and was watching us while still pretending to sleep. After a few more minutes I realized she had begun to masturbate. That was the most incredible turn on I had ever experienced. Knowing that Elle was turned on by watching Dave and I. When I heard Elle have her orgasm I joined her. Afterwards Elle continued to pretend to sleep as if we hadn't noticed. I kidded her about it the next day but she denied everything and seemed quite embarrassed which was quite unlike her.
At any rate, I'd discovered something new about myself. I had always kept my two sexual sides seperate. Don't get my wrong, my female lovers all knew I was bi (I won't have sex with a woman until I've told her) and my male lovers knew as well and that I preferred women, that I'd never enter into a more than casual relationship with a man. But I'd never considered sex with both a man and a woman simultaneously. That seems terribly odd now. I'd never even watched "bi porn" only straight or gay. My feeling on bi porn was that it was for bi guys that were uncomfortable with their sexuality. That a MMF scene was ok, it wasn't gay.
At any rate, MMF sex became a priority for me. I wanted to recapture the feeling I had that night when Elle watched us. Unfortuntely, Elle was very uncomfortable with the whole thing and that avenue was out. I never was presented with another opportunity.
At that time I was about 30. I'm now 39 and this fantasy is consumming me. I was, until recently, in a committed relationship. My ex was well aware that I was bi. In fact, before we had became a couple, she had told me she had a very strong fantasy of being with/watching 2 guys. However, we decided to postpone that until we were more stable as we both wanted a serious relationship. Unfortunately, by that time, some events had occured in her life that caused some serious mental problems. She was not in any shape emotionally to experiment sexually. In fact, sex became an infrequent event at best and a quite difficult subject. I loved "Jade" dearly (still do for that matter) and stuck by her and was completely faithful. She became addicted to a prescription drug, and tried twice to kick the habit. She quit her job, eventually got SS disability. When she started back on the drugs after the second time quitting, I'd finally had enough.
We still keep in touch though and according to her family she is off again. I wish her well.
So, here I am. It's been a year since Jade and I broke up. Somehow, middle age crept up on me while I was with her. I'm scared to death. I had to move away from Jade, but couldn't move back to where my friends were due to my career. I have no close friends where I live now, no one I would feel comfortable coming out to at any rate. Hell, I'd gotten so used to being monogamous, it was only recently that I started looking at other people sexually.
I've lost contact with almost everyone in my life outside of family over the years (I really hate that, especially considering that I promised myself I wouldn't let it happen).
Dammit, now I've gone and depressed myself, and alcohol doesn't help that anymore...
Well, thanks for letting me ramble. I needed to express this somehow and I hope I wasn't too graphic for the group.
My sexual journey started like most guys, a little fooling around with a friend. Didn't do much really, a little fondling, etc. That all came to an abrupt end when I was spending the night at a (different) friend's house. I was 12 or 13. We were asleep when my friend's older brother came home with his friend. They were 17 or 18. The two of them each took a turn raping me while the other pushed my face into the carpet. My "friend" pretended to sleep through it. I'm not going to dwell on the details, there's no point.
Fortunately, my family moved a long way away from that town the following summer. I spent my teen years fairly normally, except my experience made me quite homophobic, compounded by my undeniable bisexual urges. I blamed The Rape for my fantasies about guys... obviously I was quite confused. I had my first heterosexual experience when I was 17. The girl in question and I were quite active for a couple of years until we broke up.
During that time and the following few years I was quite happy sexually. My fantasies about men disappeared and I was immensely satisfied with sex with women. I was straight and all was right with the world.
When I was about 22 I started fantasizing about men again. This time I was able to be less emotional about it. I realized that The Rape had nothing to do with my sexuality (except causing me to repress it when I was younger). I realized I was (probably) bi and was surprisingly content.
I didn't act on my desires for a couple years. I wasn't sure if the reality would be as good as the fantasy. Nor did I know how I would initiate sex with a man. A high school buddy was living with a wonderful woman that we'll call "Jo." Jo and I had become very good friends. One evening her, "Rick" and I had been hanging out, having a drink and basically enjoying each other's company. It was late and Rick had had a bit much to drink so he headed off to bed. Jo and I continued to talk for awhile. I was closer to Jo then I had ever been to anyone in my life, including my lovers. I decided to come out to her. She only smiled and said "So am I." It was the first time she'd told anyone, too. I also told her that night about The Rape. She was also the first person I ever told about that. After that night, Jo and I were best friends.
Over the following years I eventually had sex with a man and I came out to some other friends. I was surprised to learn that not a few of them were bi as well. One particular couple we'll call "Dave" and "Elle." Elle is a very sexy woman. Attractive but not incredibly so. Just one of those women that is very comfortable with her sexuality and it shows. She's decidedly NOT bi. Dave is a very handsome man, green eyes with long lashes. I don't quite get it myself, but he's the type of guy that women throw themselves at. Dave is very bi and he and Elle have an open marriage. After I came out to them, Dave and I had a few private encounters. One evening a few years later, the three of us were spending an evening together. We were watching a movie on VHS and Elle fell asleep. After the movie was over the tape continued and went into a porn that Dave had recorded. We didn't have to watch that very long before he and I began to have sex. After a few minutes I realized that Elle had awakened and was watching us while still pretending to sleep. After a few more minutes I realized she had begun to masturbate. That was the most incredible turn on I had ever experienced. Knowing that Elle was turned on by watching Dave and I. When I heard Elle have her orgasm I joined her. Afterwards Elle continued to pretend to sleep as if we hadn't noticed. I kidded her about it the next day but she denied everything and seemed quite embarrassed which was quite unlike her.
At any rate, I'd discovered something new about myself. I had always kept my two sexual sides seperate. Don't get my wrong, my female lovers all knew I was bi (I won't have sex with a woman until I've told her) and my male lovers knew as well and that I preferred women, that I'd never enter into a more than casual relationship with a man. But I'd never considered sex with both a man and a woman simultaneously. That seems terribly odd now. I'd never even watched "bi porn" only straight or gay. My feeling on bi porn was that it was for bi guys that were uncomfortable with their sexuality. That a MMF scene was ok, it wasn't gay.
At any rate, MMF sex became a priority for me. I wanted to recapture the feeling I had that night when Elle watched us. Unfortuntely, Elle was very uncomfortable with the whole thing and that avenue was out. I never was presented with another opportunity.
At that time I was about 30. I'm now 39 and this fantasy is consumming me. I was, until recently, in a committed relationship. My ex was well aware that I was bi. In fact, before we had became a couple, she had told me she had a very strong fantasy of being with/watching 2 guys. However, we decided to postpone that until we were more stable as we both wanted a serious relationship. Unfortunately, by that time, some events had occured in her life that caused some serious mental problems. She was not in any shape emotionally to experiment sexually. In fact, sex became an infrequent event at best and a quite difficult subject. I loved "Jade" dearly (still do for that matter) and stuck by her and was completely faithful. She became addicted to a prescription drug, and tried twice to kick the habit. She quit her job, eventually got SS disability. When she started back on the drugs after the second time quitting, I'd finally had enough.
We still keep in touch though and according to her family she is off again. I wish her well.
So, here I am. It's been a year since Jade and I broke up. Somehow, middle age crept up on me while I was with her. I'm scared to death. I had to move away from Jade, but couldn't move back to where my friends were due to my career. I have no close friends where I live now, no one I would feel comfortable coming out to at any rate. Hell, I'd gotten so used to being monogamous, it was only recently that I started looking at other people sexually.
I've lost contact with almost everyone in my life outside of family over the years (I really hate that, especially considering that I promised myself I wouldn't let it happen).
Dammit, now I've gone and depressed myself, and alcohol doesn't help that anymore...
Well, thanks for letting me ramble. I needed to express this somehow and I hope I wasn't too graphic for the group.