Overcoming Attraction to a Straight Friend

[Frost]

Hi everyone,

I'm a bisexual male and I'm sexually attracted to a straight male friend of mine. I am not open to him or any of my other straight friends about being bisexual.

As I've gotten to know him over the past several months, I've been having sexual fantasies about him from time to time and it's very disturbing to me. This past New Year's Eve, I was even half-hoping we'd both get drunk enough to fool around, even though I know he's 150% straight. Now it's getting to the point where every time I see him, sexual thoughts cross my mind.

Does anyone have any advice on how to overcome or block out these thoughts? He's a great guy and I don't want to lose him as a friend. It's just that I feel absolutely disgusted having these thoughts about a straight guy.

The thing is, I don't really find him particularly attractive (he's not my physical type anyway), and I think the main reason I've got the hots for him is from the clichéd desire of "wanting what you can never have."

To give you some more background info, I've had plenty of straight and bisexual experiences, so I do have other sexual outlets. While I haven't come to fully accept my bisexuality, I think that even if I were fully ok with being bi that being attracted to a straight guy would still feel perverted.

Sorry for rambling on. If anyone can offer any advice in this matter, I would greatly appreciate it.

Thanks,
Frost :cool:

[Realist]

Frost,

I was once in the same situation. I had a long-time friend, who I felt attracted to and often thought of becoming intimate with him. He was outwardly straight and married, as was I. No indication of him being interested in a m2m situation was exhibited. I wanted to know what his reaction would be to a same-sex encounter.

One time, when we were alone and having a couple of drinks, I brought up a story about my wife having an affair with another woman. He discussed it openly with me and showed no indication of disgust, or adversion to what she did.

Then, I came up with a hypothetical situation where two guys might also get together. He was thoughtful about it and said he could see that two guys could have a good time, if it was totally private and discreet.

I asked him if he could see himself doing anything like that and he answered that, he'd thought of it, but never had done anything in the past.

Then, I admitted that I have been with a few guys over the years and had found it very enjoyable and rewarding.

When he found out that I was bisexual, he became intensely interested and began to ask questions about what it was like, what we did, and some other very pointed questions.

That began a 10 year relationship. I was his first guy.

You never know unless you can probe his mind, without being obtrusive and see how he REALLY feels. I must say that I've used this same approach before, to subtly learn if a person's interested, or not.

I'm sorry to say that more often than not, the query turned up negative results. At least I knew for sure afterwards.

[jem_is_bi]

From your description of your friend, it is very unlikely that he has secret desires for male-male sex. But, I do not understand why you feel disgusted about your fantasy of sex with a straight man. Just enjoy your fantasy and channel the sexual energy that is generated to the sexual outlets in your real life. But, you do have to guard against your fantasy to become an obsession that interferes with your life and negatively impacts others.
I have a different fantasy than you. I enjoy my sexual fantasy even though I do not want to make it a reality. However, when I let it linger in my mind on a day that I know I will be having sex, it makes sex much more passionate and intense. Maybe, this strategy will work for you too.

[innaminka]

I think most gay/bi people have walked that rocky road.
I know i have - a few times.
There is something about a person that just ticks all your boxes and the little lust button just goes wild - its normal.

As to doing anything about it - usually it just stays a fantasy.
I have suggested a few times, given hints, but mostly the message I get back is "DONT GO THERE."

For me a friendship is the most valuable thing there is. Workmates - well, you just don't and casual acquaintences usually stay that way.

Its obviously not the same for everyone, but I am very very careful about approaching str8 women.

....... anyway, there's a multitude of us who aren't.

[MisuzHouston]

Wow... I had actually thought about making a similar thread because I myself needed some advice...

My situation... she knows I'm bi. She knows there's someone I deeply care about, but I'm not sure if she actually doesn't know it's her, or she just doesn't wanna confront me about it, or she may be denying it... I don't know.

I know she's had feelings for guys, and just recently she's been really hurt by a guy whom she really liked. So I'm not sure if I should ask her some things now, or wait until she gets over what happened with that asshole. One idea I had though was to ask if I could kiss her, while drunk of course... but is that too soon? I don't know man.

[_Joe_]

Obama needs to put more money into that gayray.

[robbie09]

I have sexual fantasies about my straight freinds all the time. There is nothing wrong with these thoughts and you should not feel disgusted. I do not believe you can overcome them or block them but you do not need to to obsess over them.

When you have these thoughts or fantasies acknowledge them , do not be judgemental about your own thoughts or fantasies, and then let them go. Easier said than done I know.

[proseros]

I don't know what you find having sexual fantasies about your friend "disturbing". That you don't find him particularly attractive but still have sexual thoughts of him is not profound. He's your friend and you obviuosly love him. Your thoughts have almost nothing to do with sex, and your sub-conscious is expressing what is in your heart, 'in your head' as long as you have not found the time to just just come out and say it. Younger men go through this all the time, and its something that tends not to go away until well into your thirties [my observation].

Otherwise-

Find more bisexual male friends.

[elian]

No advice, only sympathy - I've always thought it was a shame that I couldn't tell half the people I loved that I loved them - even if it was mostly platonic.

One of my best straight friends who is open minded put it this way - "If a gay man asked me to be in a relationship, I might be flattered - but I would look at them the same way I look at as a really, really ugly girl"

Generally speaking a straight person is as straight as a gay person is gay...they might have the occasional curiosity but I wouldn't wait around to ask and get assaulted. For bisexual people..well..all I can tell you is that for me the connection I feel to that person is more than simply what is between their legs. That's about the most "specific" definition I can come up with for bi.

Once you are friends with this straight person long enough to know how they would react to LGBT folks then you can judge for yourself if you really want to tell them - it might distance your relationship or it might be affirming to know they support you but if the person really is straight I wouldn't expect it to change anything romantically.

[MisuzHouston]

No advice, only sympathy - I've always thought it was a shame that I couldn't tell half the people I loved that I loved them - even if it was mostly platonic.

One of my best straight friends who is open minded put it this way - "If a gay man asked me to be in a relationship, I might be flattered - but I would look at them the same way I look at as a really, really ugly girl"

Generally speaking a straight person is as straight as a gay person is gay...they might have the occasional curiosity but I wouldn't wait around to ask and get assaulted. For bisexual people..well..all I can tell you is that for me the connection I feel to that person is more than simply what is between their legs. That's about the most "specific" definition I can come up with for bi.

Once you are friends with this straight person long enough to know how they would react to LGBT folks then you can judge for yourself if you really want to tell them - it might distance your relationship or it might be affirming to know they support you but if the person really is straight I wouldn't expect it to change anything romantically.

It may not have been advice, but what you said really just helped me understand and realize some things. Thank you.

[elian]

It may not have been advice, but what you said really just helped me understand and realize some things. Thank you.

Glad if it helped, I can only say what my experience has been.

I should mention (although it may be obvious) that the "straight friend" in example I gave is male ..I guess I was too busy rambling to notice I missed saying that the first time.

[Frost]

Wow, I didn't expect to get this many replies. Thanks very much to all of your advice and anecdotes, I appreciate it.

Proseros and Elian, thanks much for your input, but trust me, there's nothing romantic about these thoughts. I don't even believe love exists, period. This is definitely just a testosterone overload. I have the same kinda fantasies of my friend as I do of people I barely know. I think my "lust buttons", as innaminka put it, are just out of control, lol. I do need to find more bi friends though, you're right on that, haha.

Thanks again everyone for your thoughts.

-Frost:cool: