Allowing others to be themselves

[Realist]

I wonder how many people, who are in intimate relationships with others, can allow their lovers be themselves? I've only recently, with the last few years, been able to do this, myself.

I am involved with two lovers who are very different from most I've known. Sometimes I struggle to understand them, but do my best to allow them to be themselves.

1. For some months, a gay friend and I have been lovers. After a terrible 20 year relationship, he was left feeling unappreciated, unloved, used, and then cast off. He is brilliant, teaches languages, history and math. In class he demands respect and is admired by his students. But in his personal life he is a wreck. Self-doubt, parental discontent and nagging siblings have all contributed to his fragile mental state. Being gay on top of it all hasn't helped either. (strong willed, opinionated parents, sister who never has accepted his sexual preference, etc.)

I have never put any pressure on him to be anything other than himself. He's often told me that he feels relaxed and happy with me. Although he has some odd sexual interests, compared to my experiences, I discuss them with him and since none of them are obtrusive or distasteful for me, I humor him and share what I can. He is exceedingly interested in providing my pleasure, in return.

2. Within the last few months, I have also gained a much younger, but magnificent girlfriend, who (beyond my wildest dreams) has become the love of my life. She is incidentally bisexual, but mostly hetero. I met her here and after some lengthy correspondence, we met and quickly fell in love. I'm afraid that I still have some difficulty with why she chose me to love, but can't help but thank who-ever's in charge "up there" for sending her my way. I didn't go lightly into this dark night!

Although, she is pretty, intelligent and very sensual, she has never really been appreciated for her abilities and stellar qualities. I allow her to come and go as she wishes and never put many constraints on her. I have seen her bud and blossom into one of the most wonderful, loving and considerate women I've ever known since then. By allowing her to be free, she has become my lover of her own accord. At the present she does not have a female lover, but she is hopeful to find one at some point. She knows about my male lover and neither has a problem with the other.

It is a pity that I didn't meet these two years earlier, because at my age I have no idea how much longer I will be able to "conduct business". But, for now I'm in heaven!

The point I'm trying to make is this: I have come to the theory that if you want to love someone and hopefully have them love you in return, you have to set them free. If there are too many barriers to their growth, or freedom, they are not staying of their own free will, but because of demands to hold them, and coincidentally may come to resent, or even dislike you.

Naturally, there are somethings that are required, like honesty and trust. And, there are things I can't tolerate; both my lovers know that I do not want them to have contact with anyone else, without my knowledge. This is not for my approval, but to weigh the pros and cons, to see if I must bow out, or not. They know if they want to be with someone, who I don't approve of, I have a choice of accepting their wishes, or ending the relationship.......... I will not make demands on them, but have limits for myself.

I'd like to hear from others, who are in good, solid, relationships, to see how your successes were achieved. I know my way is not the only way and find it interesting how others conduct their relationships....especially good ones.

[rissababynta]

My explanation for how my relationship works with this is short and sweet...We are both so weird and have so many things that are in common that are weird that we have no choice but to be understanding and allow each other to be themselves haha. Luckily for us, we don't have too many "rules" for our relationship and each other so we've never really had a problem with the way each other is. Guess we are some of the lucky ones.

[Realist]

Ah yes...might have known you'd be the first to write, Rissa! Thanks!

Words like "Normal" and "Weird" are subjective aren't they?


What may be perfectly normal for you, may be weird for others...I feel and have been the same way all of my life. I know I'm different and have marched to the beat of a different drummer...no chance that I will change, either.

I have always been drawn to intelligent, decent-minded eccentrics, odd-balls, independent thinkers, and those who found their own paths through life.

You can be strange and still be a good person, Rissa. You're lucky to find a mate early, with whom you can be yourself and allow him to be himself, too. Good luck to you, Girl, in all of your endeavors.

[onewhocares]

Realist,

Your comments reflect thoughts on relationships most concurrently with mine. I have always lived by the motto " If you love them set them free and if you have given of yourself they will return to you." I know that I have lived this in my life.

Three long years ago when we first came to this site we found a most wonderful man. After months of emailing and talking the time came for us to meet for something more than coffee or a drink. As much as I wanted to be there...I knew within me that the first time back with a man was something that he had to do by and for himself. I remember looking out our bedroom window as he drove away...this might be the biggest mistake of your life Belle. What seemed like hours and hours later...and YES he came back and so began the adventure of what has been our last three years. He came back a much happier man and our relationship has only gotten better.

The process of understanding the dynamics of a bisexual relationship is a new and often tumultuous road that I have to say needs to be laden with communication, understanding, compassion and lust. One thing that I have come to learn as of late as a matter of fact is that you can never imagine people to be who YOU want or need them to be, rather must accept them for who THEY are and what strengths and weaknesses that they posses. I only hope that I can foster in another their strenghts and show them their potential. For me that has a hard lesson to learn but one which is sinking in slowly. I have learned that the person who in fact must change is me. And for the better I hope.

Funny...I have always felt like " someday I will be a grown up" I kept wondering when that day would come. Well I guess I can finally start to say that I am growing into my adult shoes and they feel pretty comfortable..sore at times, but nice.

You commented on how when you least expected it, not one but two people came into your life. I have always said that is when the best things happen. I also believe that you can love more than one person in your life at a times. I am very blessed to have several people in my life, each meaning something special. I just think of myself as an average every day kind of a woman and like you wonder why someone of their own free will would choose to have me in their lives.

Heck I am not very religious at all so I know there is no one up there keeping and eye out on me. Well...maybe Huneypot is...that is it SHE is watching out for Belle.

[rissababynta]

Ah yes...might have known you'd be the first to write, Rissa! Thanks!

Words like "Normal" and "Weird" are subjective aren't they?


What may be perfectly normal for you, may be weird for others...I feel and have been the same way all of my life. I know I'm different and have marched to the beat of a different drummer...no chance that I will change, either.

I have always been drawn to intelligent, decent-minded eccentrics, odd-balls, independent thinkers, and those who found their own paths through life.

You can be strange and still be a good person, Rissa. You're lucky to find a mate early, with whom you can be yourself and allow him to be himself, too. Good luck to you, Girl, in all of your endeavors.


That's exactly it! We think we're for the most part normal, but everyone else things we're bizarre! lol. Thank you for the lovely wishes to my dear...you really are a sweetheart...

[someotherguy]

I wonder: How might one go about trying to prevent someone from being themselves? Even a rolled up newspaper loses its effect after a while.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Thats easy, Hon. When you havce to whom'what you arent for the sake of others you have to learn to re-define or re-create yourself, hide the real you iniside and not let the who that you are be seen by the outside world. You have to keep that part of you well hidden because of predjudice, or haters, or phobic-types. You cannot be you for those around you cannot accept the person that you acyuually are, so therefore, you hide that part of yourself away and not let it be seen.

I take that back: It Isnt easy, but some of us had to do it for Years. In my case it was 30. If my ex had even Suspected that I was Bi, I would have gotten my head beat on, more so that it already had or would have been branded "A fucking sick queer lesbian bitch" and more'n likely tossed out into the streets.
Thats one reason Why he's an Ex husband! lol

Dont Let anyone keep you from being you. Be who you are at all times and in all instances! You'l be so much happier. ;)
A Happy Cat now. :} ...

[IanBorthwick]

Part of being Poly is accepting others. Maybe we look a bit harder to find a match, but the worst you can say of some of the other Polys I have met is that they assume you want them to change from things they have burnt about over the years or past relationships. It's an issue for them only in reflex.

The love of my life is NOT poly, and she accepted me without reservation. Odd she thought I needed her to change. I guess my point is, even if you don't expect them to change they can sometimes expect it of themselves no matter what you say or do, too.

[Lonewolf76]

I would have to agree with the Cat (or she'll boob bop me! - Come to think of it - I'd like that! LOL) But seriously. I hid the real me for years as well and let an ex walk all over me (That's why shes an ex as well) Part of it was my own insecurities and low self esteem - which she manipulated to her own ends. One day I'd had enough and told myself - you don't deserve this. For years I had the warped thinking that I didn't serve her because she was beautiful and intelligent - but finally I realized I didn't deserve her - because I was a good person and she was not. Let someone else suffer with her. Now my life philosophy (and it works well in friendships and relationships for me) is simply this... "I'll be me and retain all that is the real me - You be you and retain all that is the real you and we'll be strong individuals and therefore even stronger as a couple or freinds. I've found it works. I wouldn't want to be with anyone who couldn't always be themselves around me, and now - being an older and wiser wolf - I refuse to be anything but the real me - If you like me fine, If you love me great -if you hate and dispise me (and there are those that do) - don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya! - but I won't be anything but genuine, authentic me. That's just my humble:2cents: LW

[alegrias]

I guess what got me to where I am right now was marrying the right person. I hadn't dated a lot before I met him, but enough to see how special this guy was. When we made love, he actually paid attention to how much enjoyment I was getting out of it, rather than just satisfying himself, unlike my previous BFs. But feeling free to be myself, I think, was the main reason I married him. I was tired of mind games.

We had some rough years. I hid my bi side, from myself as well as him, for too long and was focused on things that didn't include him (or sex), so our sex life suffered. But he hung in there and kept on giving when a lot of guys would have walked away.

Finally, I changed. Or life changed. Anyway, I realized what a gem I'd married and started giving him more of my attention. And I told him about my bi interests. He has been wonderful through it all and I feel closer to him than ever. I feel like there is nothing that I can't tell him and he feels the same way.

[_Joe_]

When you ask for a man to be themselves you mean to fart, belch and scratch whenever they want ?

[Jezexploring]

Not too sure how well I allow my bf to be himself honestly, but recently I told him about me being bi-curious or rather confused. We've been together almost 4 years now with a lot of ups and downs. I opened up to him as soon I as I was pretty sure I am attracted to girls as well. Which was only a couple of months back. At the back of my mind I might have been attracted to girls the whole time but pushing it back?

Ok but that's not the point. When I told him, at first he might have though I was just confused and I still am and he kind of accepted it but didn't think about it seriously. Since then I've talked to him about it more and asked him how he felt. His answer was that he wouldn't mind if I experimented a little as long as I am always honest to him. He says thinking of me being with another girl wouldn't make him jealous like it would if I were with another guy. Although, he did say he finds it a little weird seeing same-sex couples being touchy feely with each other. ps. so he isn't turned on by lesbian sex :P He doesn't get it at all. But he doesn't mind being friends etc with people like that. His brother is gay/bi..we aren't too sure and he's fine with that.

[talking2trees]

The point I'm trying to make is this: I have come to the theory that if you want to love someone and hopefully have them love you in return, you have to set them free. If there are too many barriers to their growth, or freedom, they are not staying of their own free will, but because of demands to hold them, and coincidentally may come to resent, or even dislike you.


This is EXACTLY the conclusion I have come to in my poly marriage, and every time my husband trusts and loves me enough to be able to express my feelings to another, I ALWAYS come back to my marriage happier, more confident, and more in love with my husband than ever. And I think it's exactly because of what you hit upon. I think that too often we agree to these arbitrary decisions in life or in relationships, like being hetero, or being monogamous, simply because that's what you're supposed to do! And it has nothing to do with how much you honor, love, and trust that other person...it's just following the rules. I think that to have the real thing we have to be willing to let that person be fully who they are, and stay because they want to, not because they're supposed to.

Thanks for expressing the thoughts!
Cristi

[Realist]

These are exactly the kinds of responses I hoped to get! Thanks to each of you for your thoughtful and reveling comments.

My GF and I have discussed these subjects in more depths, since I wrote this, and she has been able to tell me more of her interests and fantasies. Really, some of them are strong desires. She's had several things she wanted to explore in the past, but because of her lover's control issues, or their unwillingness to accept her for herself, she has had to keep most of her interests hidden.

Now, she feels able to express herself openly and the new-found freedom has made her into a much more interesting and loving person. Instead of wanting to go out and explore with others, as I thought she'd be anxious to, she has chosen to be more intimate with me and spending time learning more about each other.......... I certainly have not resented that!

[alegrias]

When you ask for a man to be themselves you mean to fart, belch and scratch whenever they want ?

Why not? It's all natural. Just don't do it in my direction.