i made love and was so sad i cried

[Dani78]

I just made love to my husband and as usual I didn't orgasm he is taking a shower and I can't stop crying the only time we have had good or even great sex is recently when we added a man to have sex with us both and I'm scared that we will never be able to have great sex with just each other. I don't know what to do and how do I tell him or should I tell him? Please help!!!

[Mr. Magick]

I wish I knew what to say, I wish I had the words. You see my wife and I never resolved this issue. The fact the your husband has been willing to bring in other partners in tells me you have better chance than we did. I was never honest with her about my sexuality and now she is gone. She told me she needed something more and I never listened. If you do tell him do it gently, and expect him to blame himself, even if only in his heart. I do have confidence that you will find that one thing that will ingnite your passion for him but you have to work together. It has to be both of you. One person cannot bare this burden alone and expect to fix it. If I had trusted my wife I would still have her with me. Just my :2cents:

[Realist]

I agree, if I had a chance to recover my first marriage, I would have put it all on the line. Even if I still lost her, at least she would have known I'd been honest.

If you husband doesn't know your feelings/thoughts/desires, how can he take corrective action? Crying after what should be so much fun and satisfying can't be a good thing..........unless it's a happy cry!

If he loves you, I'm sure he'll do anything to bring peace and contentment to you, Honey!

[PolyLoveTriad]

*hugs* I hate hearing this kind of stuff happening to anyone. I feel almost strange asking, but what is the reason for not having an orgasm? It is just because he isnt addressing your needs before his? maybe he isnt aware that he isnt quite hitting the right note for you? Suggestions... have you ever though about going to one of those fun weekend sex class things? Ive seen them before on "Real Sex" an HBO thing, where couples all go together and learn how to please each other etc, seems to bring a lot of couples closer together. I really wouldnt let this weigh you down too much. Youre also not the only one who has ever felt this way or had the same doubts/thoughts/feelings youre having either. Ive been with my husband for 13 yrs now, its only been the last 6 yrs or so the sex has been out of this world. well it was good before, but now its like WOW... anyway, I would try to do some reconnecting with him, find a way to really sit down and talk openly with him, let him know how much you love him, that you DO enjoy making love with him but that you would like him to spend a bit more focus on YOU.

Hope this helps if even just a little bit :) Good luck!

[csrakate]

Dani,
My heart goes out to you but it's no surprise that you're having such a difficult time sexually. It was just a few weeks ago that you found out your husband is bisexual and then the two of you jumped so quickly into having that threesome that you barely had time to adjust to the news of his sexuality. I have seen you struggle so much over the last couple of weeks....and I can't help but believe that you need to deal with some of those feelings NOW before this goes any further. I'm not quite sure what you've been conflicted over...whether it's because you enjoyed sex with another man or because you can't quite deal with your husband's sexuality...but whatever the case, I strongly urge you to work through some of those feelings yourself....giving yourself some time to adjust to this new phase of your life. It's no surprise that you keep wanting to cry....you just have too much on your plate right now and you seem to be suffering alone. As soon as you get a truer picture of what is going on with you, the two of you need to sit down and talk as soon as possible. He needs to know what you are feeling....and he needs to know the complete truth....even if you're not really sure what it is at this time. There is no way this new open relationship is going to work unless the two of you can talk openly AND honestly about EVERYTHING!

Stay strong..but more than anything, stay true to YOURSELF.....

Hugs,
Kate

[rissababynta]

The first step to a satisfying sex life is communication.Both partners should be able to say what they like freely and openly. It is ideal that you both be able to share fantasies without having the feeling of being looked down upon. Sometimes the greatest sex has a lot more to it then just the physicalities. If you can't be open with your communication, that is not good. It seems like your husband is fairly openminded so even if you don't quite feel comfortable coming right out and saying "um, hey, you didn't make me feel good!" there are other things you could do. Try going about it in a flirty way. "Hey baby, I'm not quite done with you yet. *wink* get that sexy behind back over here" lol. Even something as simple as "Oh baby, kiss me a little lower" or "I love how that feels right there" gives him an indication of what you like and want. Most guys don't mind and appreciate direction and when they see you are OBVIOUSLY enjoying, it gets them all hot and bothered too (which means they are more likely to remember the expierence and go back to that spot in the future).

I have a feeling that your threesome was satisfactory more so of the experience than just another person being in the bed. If this is the case, you two might simply need new things. Watch a porn together. Take it a step further and ACT OUT the porn you are watching. If your sexcapades are mainly a bedroom act, do it on the living room couch one night. Invest in a sexy game from an adult store, or a book about tantric sex (some good stuff right there). Many psychologists suggest role playing going out on a "first date" to bring back all of that absolute passion people feel in the beginning of a relationship.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that there are SO many options you still have and it doesn't have to be a hopeless cause yet. If absolutely NOTHING you guys try works, it might be a good idea to seek the help of a counselor that could help guide you guys into a comfortable way of figuring out what you both want and need.

I've been working on a degree in psychology and have worked as a counselor before, so I'm used to finding different therapists that people feel comfortable with. If you need any help researching someone who will make you feel comfortable, let me know and I'll be happy to help you. I know first hand how depressing it can be to not enjoy my sex life with someone you love.

[Dani78]

Maybe I should have given some background on this situation but last night I was crying when I wrote. We have had this problem since we met. I have always told him about it and we have discussed exactly what I like and things that help me orgasm he seldom does them although I ask often. I also realize he does them to me when his boyfriend is in bed with us. But regardless its not only what he does its he always climaxes before me. Last night we had a very long talk about our sex life which lead to a porn tape and soft music then we had sex no we started to make love it was longer than usual but in order to last he couldn't do what I liked once he started to do what I liked he took 3 strokes and it was over. I was so hurt that it wasn't what it could be it made me cry. I talk so much it doesn't work at least it feels pointless. All suggestions welcome.

[csrakate]

There are ways to prolong his erection and to postpone his ejaculation....but without knowing precisely what it is you wish for him to do, not sure that it would help in your case. Perhaps a bit more foreplay BEFORE penetration? And I know it is sounding repetitive to you, but unless you tell him precisely what it is you need, there is no way he can work on doing such things before having an orgasm himself. I can't help but notice that you mention the other man once again....and how your husband does certain things while he is present....are you sure it's what your husband is doing and NOT what the other man might be doing? And have you asked him WHY he can do so with him present but not when he's not around? Once again, these are questions only he can answer and he can only do so if the two of you talk about it.

[Dani78]

I do tell him exactly what I want during sex before sex after sex in the car everywhere I tell hgim everything I need from him. He's so fast I have to climax before intercourse or else I will not get to. I tell him I love to be bitten hair pulled and kissed on my spine and neck he did all of that while we were all together. I asked him why he says he doesn't know. But I'm scared that he might stop doing it then and that would be horrible. It got so bad me teelling him he said I made him feel bad so I backed off and it got worse I don't know what to do.

[Lonewolf76]

Hi Dani,

I'm gonna go out on a limb here. You say that you like to be bitten, have your hair pulled, kissed on your spine etc and he does that when the other guy us there. I confess -I don't know your husband, but being a man myself - it sounds to me that he goes to the extra lengths to please you when the other guy is there to show the other guy what a great lover he is. It's a testosterone, competition thing guys have. The fact that he can do that while the other guy is there and drive you wild, but won't do it when you're alone and you've talked in length with him about your needs - sorry - sounds like he's pretty selfish to me. I won't be one of those people who tell you what YOU should do - that's for you to decide - but if it were ME - I'd sit my mate down and say - "We've talked about this over and over - and it's not working for me. I know you have sexual needs and I do my best to meet them, I have my needs as well and you are not trying to meet them. It has to change and we have to focus on pleasing each other or it will never work". I would hope that if I said that to a mate - it would be an eye-opener, which would lead to discussion which would lead to positive actions. Just my:2cents: I wish you well, I hope he opens up and realizes what he is doing. Stand your ground - you only live once and you DESERVE to be happy! Peace and love LW

[hudson9]

I think the advice people have been giving is good, but I also think that you should consider consulting a good sex therapist, someone who will work with both of you not just on "mechanics" (don't take the quote marks as dismissive -- there may be physical issues involved), but on communications and relationship issues as well. This will likely take some follow-thru and some time, but your lives and happiness is worth it. So many of us have had issues like this, and so few of us have taken proper care of ourselves.

I wish the best for both of you.

[FalconAngel]

It sounds as if a part of the problem might be the excitement of having two guys to play with.

Playing with two guys and watching your hubby play could be a bit of a turn on that adds to any excitement that may already be there. We all know that part of having a successful orgasm is mental, so whether you realize it or not, that is going to play a part in it.

Have the two of you tried doing other sexual things together that are more exciting. Role play, perhaps, or maybe something that has a natural element of excitement in it.

[void()]

As I suffer from an odd and rare medical condition, orgasm is an issue for Christy as well. She has come to enjoy being masturbated prior to me enjoying her. She loves my magic thumbs and fingers. I've even had to fight once or twice avoiding getting a finger or three crushed. :)

Part of my problem means I really don't 'get off' in the truest sense. I barely cum, if at all. The gun doesn't even load at times, much less fire blanks. So, I meet her need, then enjoy her until a sense of orgasm or exhaustion takes me.

But, I would not have know it was her had she not spoken up. Communication is indeed the lifeblood of relationships. And yes, in a way it does hurt to feel I'm unable to meet her needs in the traditional way. However, at least I can now use a different method that is pleasurable to us.

Merely a humble :2cents:.

[frikidiki]

I agree that a couple of sessions of professional counseling might be best for y'all.

Maybe I misunderstood something, and for sure I'm not totally clear on these events, but there are several problems that are apparent to me. On his part this really seems like it could be either a premature ejaculation or some other physical problem, or else just selfishness. Also, Dani, I've read your other posts, and, among other things, you seem very afraid of any change that could occur if you ask for what you want. Forgive me for picking you apart that way, and please don't think I'm criticizing you--it's just the impression I got. Finally, I'm a bit out of the loop, so I'd have to question how long and to what extent the two of you discussed the threesome before you did it. Perhaps you were pressured into it, or felt you should go along with it as the devoted wife you are to him? Neither of these would be healthy choices.

I'm going to put it like I see it, and if I'm wrong or out of line, I apologize in advance. I'm not calling him a manipulator (not yet--see below), but I see signs of some destructive complicity on your part--again, not to be critical--and it should be looked into. I think part of this problem you're having is that you don't realize you are a better person than your revealed thoughts indicate you believe you are; or, in other words, you seem so terribly down on yourself, and that could be a contributing factor here. If he is manipulative or takes you for granted, then you could be feeding his tendencies with a self-sacrifice complex thing (there's a better term, I'm sure). If it is something physical or psychological on his part, he seems to be ignoring it, and that won't fix it or tend to your needs. Either way, you need professional, not peer, help.

It certainly is commendable to encourage him to discover himself--I see the love in this, and I can also relate. But, maybe that threesome was like jumping into the pool before knowing how to swim. I'm all for a good threesome in general and in theory, but I know all too well how it can be a bad idea as well if someone is lying to someone else about their true intentions. For my part, I went along with a threesome idea out of love for my wife at the time. It was my understanding, now known to be a lie, that she'd never explored her interest in women. Of course, I'd never had a threesome before, and it had long been a fantasy of mine, so I felt like a kid in a candy shop; but she knew that and used it to her ends. It was also my dumb hope that we could rebuild our trust by having a threesome; it's a classic mistake. Ultimately, it encouraged her to cheat, and I'm long divorced cuz of it. Since then, I've had other threesomes, and even been to an orgy, and nobody was being fooled or manipulated when these happened. Now, I'm not accusing your husband of manipulating you as I was, but it is worth considering--only you can truly say for sure how it happened. Others on this site may have similar stories, good and bad, to tell; I hope we can all learn from them. It's just not something to take lightly when a relationship is on the table.

Anyway, I've possibly said too much, so I'll stop here. Good luck, and God bless.

[12voltman59]

My comments on this Dani is to second the recommendations that you consider a few sessions of therapy as a couple with a counselor that also includes dealing with the sexual nature of your relationship---I am sure such counseling would be of benefit to you both and your relationship.