Some advise please

[wikskul]

ok well a friend came to me for help last week... and i have been trying to figure out how to help them, the best to my ability, i will let u in and maybe there is a few can help me with this very delicate subject.
Well i got a phone call and he was in a tissy, he wanted to come over and talk right away, i agreed and he came over. well, he then went into something he just found out.. and didnt know how to take this at all.
He is adopted.. and knows who his biological mom is and her family.. but he has always gotten the run around about who his father is.
so he went and had a DNA test done, and turns out his father is really is uncle... he is totally freaked out about it and needs help.. but only trusts me with this kind of information.
i can only imagion what he must be going through, and yes i counsil many people on many thing, but this i am in need of help. he is a very sensitive man and this is really tearing him apart. i have been helping him deal with this the best of my ability.. have tried to see if he is willing to go get proffesional help... but it is me he wants to help him.

So i ask if anyone has any good advise on hw to proceed in this very delitate matter... and please for those who wish to make light of this... dont bother leaving a comment... this is more seriouse then u can imagion... i am barley keeping him from drinking himself into a stupper and killing himself.
so please any and all CONSTRUCTIVE advise is very welcome, and thanks for ur time

[FalconAngel]

Why doesn't he just talk to his birth mother? You said that he knows who she is. He can call and make a discreet inquiry of her to get his answers.

Alternatively, he could check directly with his Uncle. You say that he knows, through DNA testing, that he is his real father, so the man must suspect something. Otherwise how would he know that the man responsible is actually his uncle? How did he get the DNA sample to test and how did he know to check his Uncle's DNA?

Something in this story doesn't smell quite right.

[wikskul]

he had enough of the run around and lies that they were telling him.. so yes he did it very off handedly... he was at his birth mom's house and grabbed her tooth brush.. then when he went to his uncles (which he did suspect for a few reasons) and did the same thing.. then had the test run....
yes i was wondering the same thing.. and he has confronted them with this.. and they still deny it... even with the test right in front of them they denyed it... i was there with him when he confronted them.. so i do know it is real.. and he showed me the DNA test..
so as unbelievable as this seems... it seems ( by science) that this is true.

[FalconAngel]

Well then, if they are refusing to answer with evidence in front of them, then the only option is for your friend to hire an attorney and sue them.

Not much else to do then, short of an interrogation by a pro.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Then he needs to tell both, his birth Mother and the Uncle/Father, that they can fess up and tell the whole truth, or either consent to a valid DNA test, or lose him in their lives. Its a bluff that could work.
I'm not clear on this situation, but it sounds like perhaps he was adopted because of some kind of financial situation, or the Uncle was married and sired a child..who knows?
If he wants answers he's going to have to work for them...after he calms down and gets his head and heart back on the right track.
Kudo's to you for being there for him, and being a wonderful friend that he trusts with this problem. :}
Cat

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Man, the trolls are out in force lately. And they seem to forget the same old tired remarks that they made in prior posts. Poor, senile lil thangs..lol
Cat

[curioustotry]

Is it possible that your firend was just told that this man was an uncle by his family so that he could still be a part of his son's life without the truth being exposed. His faimly needs to come clean about the whole situation, which by the sounds of it they are not willing to do for whatever reasons. If your friend has loving adotive parents I would say not to put too much time or effort in to people that are still denying the truth with DNA evidence because they are not worth it. If he wants to know medical background of his parents then I'm sure he can get a court order to do so. I wish both of you the best of luck

[wikskul]

thank you all for ur advise on this matter :) and i agree with all of what u said (well thankfull drew was on the ball and got rid of the troll before i got here lol so i didnt have to read his cripe)
i will be working with him more, and hopefully he will get the answers he seeks.
but i am going to aim him towards the fact he probably wont get them so now it is time to heal and move forward. the good news is he now knows what he was seeking..,. his medical back ground (due to the health problems he has been suffering from for years) and he can move forward with this information.
and we can work on hopefully helping him heal from this blow.
thank you again and if any of u have anymore advise that would help, i would be very interested and willing to hear it :)
Kisses to you all
Wik

[eddy10]

I had a very close friend that was in a similar situation as your friend. What I learned from him was:

It does not matter who your parents were in that you are the person you make yourself to be.
And, if your real parents had not made you ... you would not have been born.

Be thankful for who you are and what you can make yourself to be.

My friend was a really great person in spite of his beginnings (or maybe because of them).

Enjoy your life ... it's the only one you will get.

[starnebula]

Well, what is he hoping to get out of all this? He now knows his Uncle is his dad. I'm agreeing with the "Uncle" thing to be kept in his life, without the full responsibility. So, what does your friend want that's different from what they have going now? Basic acknolwedgement? Just to have Uncle admit it? Then he can tell Uncle that's all he wants. Does he wnat Uncle to start being a full fledged father? Probably won't happen. The ebst course of action is to find out what friend expects from BioMom and Uncle. Once that's clear, it'll be easier to handle.

[elian]

I agree with above comment that your friend should be determined to live in the present and in the future.

I really didn't know my dad's side of the family very well, and I always wondered why he had a different last name then my grandmother. About a year ago my aunt invited me to a family reunion - it was for a family I had never heard of before. I felt quite awkward showing up to a family reunion when I didn't know any family and had a different last name. Eventually I went though, I don't often get to see my aunt who lives in TX.

I met some very nice folks, got to see some very interesting photos and learned that many, many years ago my grandmother remarried when her original husband passed away from cancer.

My grandmother "couldn't make it" - I have a feeling she didn't want to have to confront all of those old memories. I on the other hand, with almost "zero emotional baggage" about the situation eventually got over my awkwardness and learned to be friends.

Your friend's parents may still be harboring some bad feelings obviously - do you force them to talk? I dunno <shrugs> - I feel sorry for my grandma because you know - life is too damn short - but then again I'm not walking in her shoes either.

Maybe what your friend needs to do is talk to each one separately - if you talk to them together it might just compound the situation even more. Secrets kill but if you pry too much it could just cause more hurt? I guess he needs to make a choice - does he love and care for his family enough to just accept them for who they are?

Learning to be human isn't easy, so although I'm sure he feels a gamut of emotions I wouldn't be so quick to judge people, as long as he gets the help he needs (medical history).

My feeble attempt at advice,
-E

[b1s3xu4l]

I'm adopted, and I have to say the people who raised me are my parents. Biology is only biology. I understand if the person here has deeply conflicted feelings, but it will be OK. I don't know how I would react to knowing my ancestry; I feel better, I guess, assuming I was left by gypsies.

[wikskul]

i am in the same thought of mind of what many of u said here today. and yes i am feeling he is starting to understand this. he family is who raised him, i believe the blow of finding out who his father was is hard (it would be for almost anyone) i have talked to him on a daily basis and he doesnt know why he wanted answers about his... plus the fact that thety wouldnt be truthful with him before, why would they start now. so now it is just working on accepting what he found out, and moving forward. :) i thank you all again, and hopefully i will have an update on how things are going.