Mountain or Molehill? What's your opinion??

[HRStuffed-upMuff]

Hello Everyone--I hope I've come to the right place for some honest opinions. I have recently found a very large stash of tranny/transexual porn my boyfriend of one year's has removable drive. It looked like another drive we have for household stuff, but he left it plugged in by mistake I guess. But I'm talking hours and hours. When I looked thru it, all I see are transexual or Tgirl porn. No other kind, not girl on girl or straight, or even guy on guy porn. Only the tranny porn. I'm very curious what this means....I'm not jumping to conclusions, because he's never said he's anything but very straight.

Well after I found that, I began to go back and go thru the history on the internet files to see what websites are on there. I was a little wigged out to find that he reads thru the transexuals looking for men to play with personals. I noticed that he seems to only really click on the ones that have pics (more free porn? I don't know). There is nothing I can see that would suggest he has ever responded to any of the ads. He seems to just like reading them (?) Maybe reading them is enough, I have no idea.

We've been together a little over a year and he has always been very into me. Always wanting to kiss and touch and show me lots of affection. We have sex several times a week and it's very good. I'm no prude and open to doing whatever kinky stuff he wants (even hinted at using a strap on on him). But when I've asked him if he's bisexual or into doing that sort of stuff (the kinkier play I suggested) he denies it and says he's straight and that straight guys don't get their asses toyed. (I don't think that's true, but anyway...) I've gently tried to get him to talk about this stuff, in a non judgemental way, but he insists that he is straight. We have a great relationship (at least I think we have a great relationship)...

I really don't want him to feel like I've been snooping around or have done stuff to violate his privacy so I'd rather not tell him about what I saw on the flash drive thing, or that I was browsing the internet history, like I'm his mom checking up on him or something.

So, all I really want here is some honest opinions from you all. Is he straight and I'm making a big deal out of nothing? I know looking at porn is just fantasy, and not like he's acting it out, but should I be worried that at some point he might? Do you think he's bi? Just want to know what everyone thinks. I thought this forum would be the best place to go for an honest opinion. Thanks.

[wikskul]

i saw ur thread and i read what u have said... i have my opinion and so many here have theirs and we will do the best to help u understand.
First things is dont fret, it could mean he is BI or i could mean that like so many, male and female, he could have a fantasy about Trans, and it is something that he wouldnt act on. Sexual fantasies and reality are sometimes hard to sort out. the best thing for u is not to push or pry, to be excepting and open to communitcation. IF he is bi and u show that u are open to his wants/ needs.. he will come to u on his time, it is hard to not just open and tell our loved ones we are bi, it is also very hard to except it ourselves, many dont.
If he has given u no reason to think he is actually responding to these adds, and not going to meet anyone, then it could be part of his fantasy, and not a sign of infidelity.
Just take this one day at a time, and do what u feel is in the best interest of your relationship.
Comunication and openmindedness is the key, Love him for who he is, and IF he is BI he will come to you in time. Be gental, and hold on to what u do know.... but if u feel u must, watch to see if he is going and doing something dishonest.
Be excepting and honest with him, and try to see where he is coming from when he takes such a defencive stance when u have gentaly confronted him about ur thoughts on him being bi or using a strap on..
If he is straight, then that is a blow to his manhood, if he is bi, he is unwilling to except it yet and doesnt want to discuss anything that has to do with that.
So take one day at a time, and dont focus on just that, since he is so focused on you in effection, and in the bed, just focus on making him and you happy, if you trust him, and dont think he is cheating, dont worry, things always work out one way or the other, and the truth will come out on if he is bi or not in time, when he is ready. if u can accept it, then love him for who he is, and be excepting and honest when he comes to you with whatever secret he has. to not only him, but yourself as well.

[Tom60152]

well said

[nothings5d]

As wikskul stated, you will get differing opinions on here. My personal opinion is that in any relationship honesty is the best policy. If down the road a ways he finds out that you've known about his porn and haven't said anything then he might resent you for that. If I were you I would mention that he left the drive in, and thinking that it was the household drive opened it. Just be honest with him and hopefully things will turn out well. Before you mention it though you might want to carefully examine your feelings about it, and whatever your feelings about this you need to be honest with him. The internet history snooping might be a bit much to bring up during the first conversation, never sacrifice tact for honesty.

If you decide to follow this advice the most important thing to avoid would be demanding to talk to him about it. You should make it his decision whether to talk to you about it or not. Something similar to "I looked at this drive by accident, if you want to talk about what's on there I'll listen" would be good. If he doesn't want to talk at the moment, don't push it and don't bring it up again unless something changes. If you push him to talk about it, even by just bringing it up repeatedly, he will probably get defensive about it, which makes talking much harder. I've been in somewhat similar situations before and I've found that whether it's a guy or a girl you're talking about, 90% of the time you just need to let them know you know and then wait for them to talk to you about it.

[Randypan]

My only problem with all of this is the fact that he had a "Secret" flash drive. The fact that he seems to get turned on by transexual doesn't really mean anything. The fact that he has "Hours and hours" of it to the exclusion of all else and hidden I feel is a problem. I really think you need to talk to him about this. Maintaining a secret life to that extent, even in fantasy, will eventually poison the relationship.

I'm saying this from experience. I'm a guy who attempted to maintain a secret life for years and it broke me and nearly cost me my family and life.

Just my :2cents:

[BareHunter45]

Hello Everyone--I hope I've come to the right place for some honest opinions. I have recently found a very large stash of tranny/transexual porn my boyfriend of one year's has removable drive. It looked like another drive we have for household stuff, but he left it plugged in by mistake I guess. But I'm talking hours and hours. When I looked thru it, all I see are transexual or Tgirl porn. No other kind, not girl on girl or straight, or even guy on guy porn. Only the tranny porn. I'm very curious what this means....I'm not jumping to conclusions, because he's never said he's anything but very straight.

Well after I found that, I began to go back and go thru the history on the internet files to see what websites are on there. I was a little wigged out to find that he reads thru the transexuals looking for men to play with personals. I noticed that he seems to only really click on the ones that have pics (more free porn? I don't know). There is nothing I can see that would suggest he has ever responded to any of the ads. He seems to just like reading them (?) Maybe reading them is enough, I have no idea.

We've been together a little over a year and he has always been very into me. Always wanting to kiss and touch and show me lots of affection. We have sex several times a week and it's very good. I'm no prude and open to doing whatever kinky stuff he wants (even hinted at using a strap on on him). But when I've asked him if he's bisexual or into doing that sort of stuff (the kinkier play I suggested) he denies it and says he's straight and that straight guys don't get their asses toyed. (I don't think that's true, but anyway...) I've gently tried to get him to talk about this stuff, in a non judgemental way, but he insists that he is straight. We have a great relationship (at least I think we have a great relationship)...

I really don't want him to feel like I've been snooping around or have done stuff to violate his privacy so I'd rather not tell him about what I saw on the flash drive thing, or that I was browsing the internet history, like I'm his mom checking up on him or something.

So, all I really want here is some honest opinions from you all. Is he straight and I'm making a big deal out of nothing? I know looking at porn is just fantasy, and not like he's acting it out, but should I be worried that at some point he might? Do you think he's bi? Just want to know what everyone thinks. I thought this forum would be the best place to go for an honest opinion. Thanks.

As others have said, you'll get a variety of responses. Here is my put. Rather it is a mountain or a molehill is up to you and how you treat it. So I say..."So What??" He's looking at porn and that is what he finds exciting. You are pretty open minded and I think that if you found he was bi and admitted it to you, then you would be ok with it. It took me twenty years to admit it to my wife (And almost as long to myself).

I think the issue is not that he is bi or that he was looking at porn. Perhaps it is the type of porn, but I think tghe real issue is that he is hiding something from you. He is hiding his porn stash...and I ask..."What man has not hidden some type of porn from his spouse or SO?" Big deal...he's NORMAL!

(The other aspect is that you wonder if he is cheating on you, but you have no indication or substantive proof of that.)

The point that I am trying to make is that...He's NORMAL...I wouldn't even let him know that you found it. Any confrontation, even askinghim in a non-judgemental manner makes it a bigger deal than the above. Unless you have an issue with this...in which case it is a big deal and you have answered your own question that it is a mountain. If not...then forget it. He likes tranny porn, so what.

I have admitted to my wife that I am bi...I like looking a tranny porn too on occassion, but I am not sure that I would talk about it with my wife. Not even sure I like admitting it here (to myself)...not that there is anything wrong with that.

If it ever comes up, or you see some on the screen by accident...treat it very non-chalantly. But I would offer that you make sure he knows that it is ok to have whatever thoughts he wants. That subtlety, about being free...will coax him out in the open eventually...ANY confrontation...even a simple request will (or at least will most likely) force him deeper into denial.

An interesting analogy. I had a co-worker who was a very famous (due to his length of stay) Prisoner of the Vietnamese during the war. I asked him once why he didn't try and escape. His answer was shocking but made perfet sense. He said he could...any time he wanted. The problem was he had no where to go...he was hundreds and hundreds of miles behind enemy lines and was emeressed in "the land of the little people" (he was over 6 foot). It was not like he could steal a XXL pair of black pajamas and sneak back home. Here's the analogous part. He could get out of his cell by using a paperclip that had fallen out of one of the soldiers pockets to pick the lock (they were very flimsy jails). He never hid his paperclip...he found as with the other items that he had to escape with a nail file, a bent nail)...when the Vietnamese guards found them, they would beat him for having contraband...items useful to him. They were so useful that he had to hide them, and therefore the enemy could not let him have them...he had something covert planned with them (to escape). So every time they found his contarband they would beat him. So...he kept the paperclip on the floor in plain site...always in the same place...didn't look at it when they asked what it was...you see...if he ignored it and didn't try to cover it up and hide it...it meant nothing to him and hence meant nothing to the guards.

The analogy here is...ignore his porn...if it matters not to you...it won't matter to him.

Sorry...wish I could make it clearer, but I think the basic idea is conveyed.

Good luck!

Bare

[nothings5d]

I ask..."What man has not hidden some type of porn from his spouse or SO?" Big deal

You sarcastically say big deal, but it actually is a big deal. I know some couples, a few of them married for many years who split up or went through some VERY tough times because one partner hid something of this nature from the other. Keeping pornography a secret, especially something that could be seen as deviant, can cause a person to develop psychological problems. Pornographic addiction pops to mind because that was the root of the issue in the couples I just mentioned. From what HRStuffed-upMuff said it doesn't sound like her boyfriend has that issue, but there are a few things in there that might be warning signs. I don't think it's a good idea to ignore it completely. But a direct confrontation is not warranted either.

[FalconAngel]

You should let him know that you tripped across the porn, thinking that it was a different drive and just talk.
You are curious and you should tell him so. Let him know if it's something that he wants to do and maybe the two of you can work something out that will work for both of you.

You love each other so there is not an issue with that. You are just interested, curious and (if it's the case, turned on?) want to understand. Nothing more or less. I know that if I found something really kinky on my wife's computer, I would approach it that way.

[BareHunter45]

I don't think I meant it sarcastically...it is IF she thinks it is a big deal. I am mearly stating that it is normal (defined as what MOST people do in society) to keep a very personal thing...personal. I know I would be annoyed if my wife was searching my stuff, especially since it really doesn't concern her...my porn is personal. Just because you have a relationship with someone does not mean they have to know EVERYTHING about you. Important stuff yes...but what is the harm with a little kinky porn? (Nothing...unless she thinks it is..and then it is...because she has some moral conviction or whatever her concern), but I do not feel that I need to share ALL of my masturbatory fantasies with my wife...I can and do, but do not have to share all. I am not keeping every ting from her, nor do I feel compelled to share it.

We all need and expect a little privacy. If she's concerned about it...confront him (and asking is confronting...otherwise..why would you want to know). If there is no real concern...then ignore it...

But only she knows if it is a concern or a big deal or not. Based on what I heard it maybe or she wouldn't have asked. One must do a little soul searching to determine "WHY" if it is and address that, not the fact that he didn't share his masturbatory fantasies (that he is probably a little embarrassed at) with another. For that reason, I suggest (not sarcastically) that it is a big deal.

Bare



You sarcastically say big deal, but it actually is a big deal. I know some couples, a few of them married for many years who split up or went through some VERY tough times because one partner hid something of this nature from the other. Keeping pornography a secret, especially something that could be seen as deviant, can cause a person to develop psychological problems. Pornographic addiction pops to mind because that was the root of the issue in the couples I just mentioned. From what HRStuffed-upMuff said it doesn't sound like her boyfriend has that issue, but there are a few things in there that might be warning signs. I don't think it's a good idea to ignore it completely. But a direct confrontation is not warranted either.

[Mmonty]

You can tell him you have been snooping and get it all out in the open, or you can ease it out of him while lovemaking. Tell him you wish you had a cock of your own because you would like to know how it feels and ask him if he would mind you in a strap on or something. See if he opens up about his fantasies.
He may be dying to tell you about what turns him on, but afraid of how you might react.

[PearlGirl]

I'm with nothings5d in saying that he may have a porn addiction. Google sex addiction (porn addiction is a subset of this) and see if any of the information makes sense to you. SRI the Sexual Recovery Institute and Patrick Carnes have some good information on-line. My:2cents: Most importantly take care of yourself, gather as much information on your own as possible. Be aware even if he is a very honest person he may not be capable of being honest about this when confronted but you have an absolute right to know what is going on. Trust your gut. Good luck!

[frikidiki]

I won't disagree with the porn addiction possibility, but I'm more inclined to believe he hasn't fully come to terms yet with his interest in transsexual porn. Also, you say you accidentally stumbled upon his private, er, interests--are you sure it wasn't on purpose on HIS part that you discovered it? People do stuff like that, which leads me to the next thought.

In any case, it's good that you're al least interested in his interest (whether or not you share the interest). I would say it's time to get creative with the situation. Find and save a brand new pic that you think he'd like, based on what you saw in his collection. Leave it on the desktop in Windows, or whatever. Change the title to something that'll make him curious as to what it is. "To You From Me" would be a good one, cuz then he'll know you did it. When he opens it...SURPRISE! Just be sure to explain with a playful smile that you accidentally discovered his little collection, and didn't mean to snoop. Perhaps you could write a note in MS Word to this effect and insert the pic into the document as a graphic, then save this to the desktop instead of just the pic by itself!

If he's as cool as you say, then he shouldn't be too mad, if at all. This ought to get him to open up a little about it, though he may feel vulnerable or ashamed. Don't treat him as if he lied to you, and don't let him dwell on any such feelings. Be sure to emphasize that you're OK with it and would like to get to know that side of him. Open your heart and give him anything from a hug to a good fuck. If he needs help with anything--addiction, identity crisis, or just the embarrassment--just be there for him.

Good luck with it!

[Mr. Magick]

Nearly every man or woman I have known that is bi or gay had a period of denial. Sometimes this can go on for years, sometimes forever. I'm not saying this is what he is experiencing, but if he is, try to keep in mind that he has not really changed. He's still the same guy he was. If he doesn't want to talk about it then don't talk about it, unless it bothers you. If you feel you have to talk about it then remember its not him that has changed but your perception of him. Don't hide from it, try to let him know that what you found not a big deal, that it doesn't bother you. Maybe in time he will share his fantasies with you.

[mrplayfuluk]

You can tell him you have been snooping and get it all out in the open, or you can ease it out of him while lovemaking. Tell him you wish you had a cock of your own because you would like to know how it feels and ask him if he would mind you in a strap on or something. See if he opens up about his fantasies.
He may be dying to tell you about what turns him on, but afraid of how you might react.

For me thats the best way... tease out his fantasy using a strapon by showing him that it wouldn't bother you.... then if it goes well ask him if he finds the idea of transsexual sex erotic. I suspect that he will reveal if he trusts you. Obviously you would need to be open to hearing about it as well as strapons could become part of your sexual menu from then on......

[bmerman]

has it ever occured to you he may have left the flash drive there on purpose ? he may want to talk but dosent know how , maybe his way of getting u to bring up the subject , just an idea , hope u find a way to sort it out xxx