WTF do I do NOW?! What would YOU do? Please help!!

[sortafreakin]

Okay...here's my story.....and I apologize right up front for anything I may say that sounds ignorant or offensive...please know that is not my intent....and actually, the reason I'm here...because I am humbly asking for some advice from someone who perhaps has more insight into these matters than myself. All I ask is that if you cannot offer constructive advice, please don't bash me or judge me for reaching out and trying to understand.

That said......

I am a straight, married female. I am in a very sad and loveless marriage. About 4-5 months ago, I went 'looking' for a FWB online. I was not just looking for sex. I wanted someone that could be an actual friend. The sex would have just been a perk. But the friendship part was extremely important to me. And I was looking for someone in the same boat as me-married, but not leaving spouse, not looking for love, unhappy, could relate to me; someone looking for ONE lover exclusively...not a stable.

After 2.5 mos of meeting and getting to know a lot of guys, I finally settled on a guy that was exactly what I was looking for. Unhappily married, sexless marriage but not leaving his wife (very important!) and looking for friendship/something a lot more meaningful than just a FB, yet not looking for love. He's very much a gentleman, kind, sweet, intelligent, respectful, gsoh....everything.

He told me he was 'totally smitten' with me a month before we even MET face to face, because of the chemistry just online.....he said he was hooked because I got into his head. There was that mental/emotional connection there long before we actually met face to face, on both sides. I was meeting someone I already felt I had a very good 'gasp' of, as far as who he was, etc.

I am a highly intuitive person and there was NEVER a time that it just didn't feel 'right' in my gut. I trusted and respected and liked him. A lot. It was perfect. We've both been very happy with each other. We've both often commented on how we couldn't believe our luck at finding someone just SO exactly perfectly what we were each looking for. I've not regretted choosing him till perhaps now.

And the physical part? Off the charts. Not to be crass, but I don't have to do much more than look into his eyes for more than 10 seconds, and he's hard....so I KNOW I turn him on. He's an AMAZING lover. I could just kiss him for hours (and do...).

Here's the rub: He has sworn up and down, backwards and sideways that he is STRAIGHT. He is actually SO over the top about how much homosexuality in any form makes him ill that it made me think, "Geez! Lighten up!" in the beginnng.....and then to "methinks he doth protest too much".....

There is nothing about him that would imply he is anything other than straight. I've asked him directly, or even made some very gentle remarks about how everyone is 'gay' sometimes.....but got shut down. NOPE. NO WAY. NOT HIM. NOT EVER. GROSS. (sigh.....)

So I got curious......and started poking around the personals on the web...Lo and behold, I found an ad that he posted right around the time he and I had just begun having (out of this world) sex. Photo.....has tatts, so it's a dead ringer it's him...even with the head cut off.

It came as a tremendous blow. I was sick to my stomach and could not think straight for two whole days. It's NOT so much the fact that he posted an ad as a "bisexual male and that he was looking for other cool guys or sexy Tgirls to hang out with".... It was that I've trusted him with my body, my health.... my whole life, since we are both married and could really mess up each other's lives. Trust was a must. I thought I had someone worthy of my trust....and I have EXTREMELY HIGH standards. I did not 'settle' for this guy. I picked him over about 20 others.

I'm devastated. He's my friend. I care about him. I've gotten used to spending a good deal of my time, energy, etc. with him. I never worried that he was not being exclusive with me. I never dreamed he was trolling for other men/TV/TG/TS. Reading (or even posting) isn't doing anything....and.... I have no proof that he has replied to anyone or made a hook up since we've been together. I realize that there is a chance he is satisfying his urges/fantasies just by looking and that's enough for him. But I don't know.

Anytime I try to get him to be honest with me, he flatly denies, which hurts because I AM his friend. He could have told me....I would have had to talk to him in more detail about his practices before going to bed with him, but perhaps if I were armed with that knowledge beforehand, we could have worked thru that fairly easily.

I have shared with him my own personal theory on human sexuality, which is that I believe we are ALL born bisexual. There are just varying degrees of preference/indentifying. I'm straight but I've had serious thoughts of hooking up with another girl...I've looked at the personals, myself. Even responded to a few. I haven't ever gone thru with it, but the point here is: I get it. And I also understand how someone like him (very masculine and spent 15 years as an elite soldier) would want to hide his longings for sexual contact with other men from a 'nice Christian girl' such as myself. I think he's afraid I'll run screaming.....

So my problem here is twofold:

1) concerns our friendship, aside of sex. He lied to me about something that I think is just a tiny bit important. I'm finding out he lies about all sorts of other things, too. I'm devastated because I trusted him, only to find out he cannot be trusted.

2) concerns my worries about my health. This is where you may have to tolerate my ignorance... But because I cannot get him to open up and share his fantasies/experiences/habits that involve other men, I have no idea what kind of risk I've been put to. I have no idea if he just wants or gets the occasional BJ....or if he's into bottoming exclusively. There's a big difference in terms of how that could affect me.

I need some wise advice here. I still like him, adore having sex with him and enjoy his company. However, I'm an intelligent attractive, self respecting woman who does not suffer fools or liars gladly. I don't need this crap. I can easily find someone else. (I just really don't want to cuz we had such a good thing going) I know he lies to me about all sorts of things...and I don't know why, cuz I'm a pretty cool chick. The friendship is very open in terms of both of us understanding we each have lives/marriages outside of 'us', so I've given him no real reason to feel like he can't tell me what he wants/is into/is up to on any given day.

And I don't understand, because believe me, when he is with me, the way he acts with me isn't a put on. I KNOW he's into me, attracted, cares for me. I also know he is very afraid to lose me because he DOES have feelings for me/wants me badly. But I gotta be honest and say that it is a bit of a blow to my ego, just as it would be to find he was with another woman....or just looking for one...or whatever he's actually doing. I don't understand why he would need another actual body when he has someone who is VERY open to doing just about anything sexually and is a bit deviant, herself. (And please let me stress that I honestly do not know for sure if he's making actual hookups now or not, but I'm betting this has been going on for several years, so I'd find it hard to believe he's never actually engaged in activities in the past.....probably rather prolificly).

In the beginning, we always used condoms. Then we sorta got sloppy about it and have done you name it without one. So it's a concern to me....and I'm a bit freaked out because I'm a mom of 2 small children who don't need a sick mommy....and I honestly cannot assess the risk level here.

I can't get him to open up/be honest. He flatly refuses to admit he is anything other than straight as an arrow, in spite of comments I've made here and there to sort of let him know in a roundabout way that it'd be okay if he wasn't just 1000000% hetero. I still think he's very manly, and I DO know...

And I can't just come out and say, look, I know you are bisexual, stop lying to me about it because I think he'll completely just shut down on me (which I woud too, if someone confronted me that way). I do not want to shame him in any way at all...I DO understand....kinda....and I still care about him and still want to have sex with him (I....um....think....) but I wanna know the TRUTH so I know how to protect myself if I DO decide to continue seeing him.

On the other hand, I'm pissed as hell. How he could do that to me? Yeah, I KNOW he 'just couldn't tell me' and why...all that.....but my GOD! A FRIEND would never put another friend in (potential) harms way. Am I right or am I overreacting?

I am very torn. Part of me wants to end it the same way I'd end any relationship that had ongoing trust issues, regardless of gender. But this was never supposed to be a 'normal' relationship. We sought each other out because we're both unhappily married and wanted to have an affair...how much weight should i give this?

Should I just let it go (not try to get him to talk) and assume he's engaging in the highest risk practices and protect myself accordingly because we have an awesome sexual relationship that I enjoy and don't want to lose???

I actually care about the guy. I'm sad that it seems there is nobody in his life that he can just be completely himself with. That must be an awful feeling. And I'm also sad because up till now, I DID feel that we had the kind of friendship that we could tell each other anything. I want to be there for him, you know? But I do not want to shame or hurt him, either, even though I am feeling hurt and a bit betrayed myself at the moment.....

What would you do???

Thanks to all who were kind enough to read my lengthy post. I'm truly very torn up about this....

[sortafreakin]

NICE. Perhaps you cannot READ.

I said if you cannot say something constructive in a NON bashing me over the head/judging me sort of way to keep your comments to yourself.

[frikidiki]

NICE. Perhaps you cannot READ.

I said if you cannot say something constructive in a NON bashing me over the head/judging me sort of way to keep your comments to yourself.

It's one of our many trolls--don't let them get your goat.

Speaking from experience, it's very hard to let go of a bad relationship when you've come to be convinced that a real connection is there. The fact that you're of two minds about this, however, only shows that this illusion is crumbling.

I think you need to distance yourself from him--not just sexually, but as a "friend" as well. Call it a time-out period, if this helps. Just tell him you're going to be busy for a couple of weeks (you need a minimum of 10 days--it's a nice, round number that we can all wrap our heads around). During this time, go get tested, and make plans to follow up on this with additional tests in 6 and 12 months (more frequently if you feel you must). Collect yourself back to the person you claim to be--one who doesn't tolerate liars. If you do decide to play with others, be careful that you don't look for a replacement unless you know you just want sex--in other words, guard yourself against rebound as gold from a thief. On a related note, why not take this opportunity to find a woman to finally do stuff with, if you're up to it? Don't rush anything, and stick to your plan. Once your feelings cool down for him, you'll see past your own hurt feelings enough to be able to make the right choice. I submit that you already know what that choice should be for you, but you really need that time.

[Hephaestion]

Stay calm and composed.

If you are certain that he is playing away in a dangerous environement and that he is lying to you then you can do without this sort of nonsense. Put some distance between you and keep it that way.

As you are worried about your health then you need to get yourself a comprehensive testing. Until you get a confirmation that all is well you would be wise take precautions not to infect others - just in case.

Good luck

[_Joe_]

:(

Sad story. But it seems not only does he have honesty issues with this wife, now with you as well. He needs to take accountability and be honest, otherwise - he'll keep walking over you, and you're going to have to break it off.

[Gemini25]

I must warn you this may be a little harsh, but I mean it in the nicest way...

WOW what a tangeled web you have woven.... I have to say first off the whole loveless marriage thing.... have you tried councelling or other ways to spice things up, or reconnect, Or are you just staying together for the kids or because he has a lot of money? Either way you should realise that your children are learning from YOU. Do you really want them growing up and getting into loveless relationships and repeating the process that they are learning from you???

As for the fantastic guy who can't admit that he's at least BI if not gay.... What are you thinking not having protected sex EVERY FREAKIN TIME!!!??? Have you not heard about all the diseases and crap out there that you can catch from people you "Love", "Respect", or "Trust" it doesn't matter how good it feels now, or how great he is if down the line you have an out break of a disease no matter how minor or major... How will you explain that to your loveless husband and your children??? If you are going to continue on with this sherade at least protect yourself and your family for god sake.

Now as for the relationship with Mr. Wonderful...??? So you are in a "Friendship" with someone who is supposedly in the same loveless boat as yourself, and he has been lying to you from the beggining but you have great sex, and then you find that he's now lying to you about being BI and interested in guys, but your still having great mind blowing sex Now Unprotected. You don't really know this guy because he lies and "Wont open up to you", you don't know who he's having sex with because he lies and "Wont open up to you". What does your gut tell you to do??? As I was reading your post I was yelling at the screen Run Woman Run....

So in regards to your twofold problem...
1) He's lied to you... Well he's also lying to his wife about not having sex with other people right? He's also conflicted in himself for liking cock. You've trusted him, and given yourself to him, and he still LIES... If I were you I would go back to that web site print out his information, and then present it to him the next time you get together and ask him to explain. Because then he can't lie anymore about it...

2) Worries about your health... If you are really truely worried about having some kind of disease then go to your local county medical office I believe they all offer free AIDS test and maybe go to the Dr. and get some blood work done to see if you have anything. If your clean then GREAT! you were Lucky. If you do have something then at least you know early enough and you can take care of it before passing it on to someone else. Don't be so foolish to think that since he's so good looking, and the sex is mind blowing that he's clean. ALWAYS USE PROTECTION... I would expect a teenager to be so nieve, but a grown woman should know better.

As for what he does sexually, it doesn't matter if he's taking it from behind, or just getting or giving a BJ. He's having sexual relations with other people besides yourself that you don't know about. Is he having protected sex every time? And you don't know what those people may have and be passing to Mr. Wonderful who then in turn is passing it on to you since you have unprotected sex.

It sounds like you have a WHOLE lot of drama going on in your life right now and things are getting out of control. Your a smart woman stop for a minute and think of how everything is impacting yourself, your children, and your life in general. You may enjoy being around this "boy" (because a man would have the balls to openly and honestly talk to you) but it's not a healthy situation. Think about it, then re think about it. Talk to him honestly and from your heart and tell him you know about the web site and how it makes you feel. If he still shuts you out then it's time to move on and Stop the Insanity...

[wanderingrichard]

my advice to you is pretty much the same as everyone but rimbaud. distance yourself.. no, better yet, run, do not walk, away from this guy.

[stephen666]

just be carefull .
ur responciblity is to your health
first get yourself tested.
then ask himm if hes sleeping with anyone else . dont emply gender.
the sexual stuff can make a lot of people uncomfortable especilly when it applys to them.
go back to safe sex immediatly . just as a cautinary thing . the main point is u dont kno. so ur better off being safe.

as for lieing and trust . im much less of an expert. look at how you approach the subject . bringing it up can be difficult . and he may see the way you ask in a different light.

be supportive . and he may open up .he may not . but if u find hes lieing to you to much (use your judgement on how much is to much)
drop him

but dont let fears of his sexuality gett in the way of what appears to be a great relationship

[jem_is_bi]

When you both have relationships that complex, perfection is not likely to be a goal attainable by either partner. You need to decide if the sexual/romantic/emotional enjoyment outweighs the fear of loss and disease that his lies have wrought. Can you structure the relationship to minimize the negative aspects? If not, then it cannot endure.

[vittoria]

I must warn you this may be a little harsh, but I mean it in the nicest way...

WOW what a tangeled web you have woven.... I have to say first off the whole loveless marriage thing.... have you tried councelling or other ways to spice things up, or reconnect, Or are you just staying together for the kids or because he has a lot of money? Either way you should realise that your children are learning from YOU. Do you really want them growing up and getting into loveless relationships and repeating the process that they are learning from you???

As for the fantastic guy who can't admit that he's at least BI if not gay.... What are you thinking not having protected sex EVERY FREAKIN TIME!!!??? Have you not heard about all the diseases and crap out there that you can catch from people you "Love", "Respect", or "Trust" it doesn't matter how good it feels now, or how great he is if down the line you have an out break of a disease no matter how minor or major... How will you explain that to your loveless husband and your children??? If you are going to continue on with this sherade at least protect yourself and your family for god sake.

Now as for the relationship with Mr. Wonderful...??? So you are in a "Friendship" with someone who is supposedly in the same loveless boat as yourself, and he has been lying to you from the beggining but you have great sex, and then you find that he's now lying to you about being BI and interested in guys, but your still having great mind blowing sex Now Unprotected. You don't really know this guy because he lies and "Wont open up to you", you don't know who he's having sex with because he lies and "Wont open up to you". What does your gut tell you to do??? As I was reading your post I was yelling at the screen Run Woman Run....

So in regards to your twofold problem...
1) He's lied to you... Well he's also lying to his wife about not having sex with other people right? He's also conflicted in himself for liking cock. You've trusted him, and given yourself to him, and he still LIES... If I were you I would go back to that web site print out his information, and then present it to him the next time you get together and ask him to explain. Because then he can't lie anymore about it...

2) Worries about your health... If you are really truely worried about having some kind of disease then go to your local county medical office I believe they all offer free AIDS test and maybe go to the Dr. and get some blood work done to see if you have anything. If your clean then GREAT! you were Lucky. If you do have something then at least you know early enough and you can take care of it before passing it on to someone else. Don't be so foolish to think that since he's so good looking, and the sex is mind blowing that he's clean. ALWAYS USE PROTECTION... I would expect a teenager to be so nieve, but a grown woman should know better.

As for what he does sexually, it doesn't matter if he's taking it from behind, or just getting or giving a BJ. He's having sexual relations with other people besides yourself that you don't know about. Is he having protected sex every time? And you don't know what those people may have and be passing to Mr. Wonderful who then in turn is passing it on to you since you have unprotected sex.

It sounds like you have a WHOLE lot of drama going on in your life right now and things are getting out of control. Your a smart woman stop for a minute and think of how everything is impacting yourself, your children, and your life in general. You may enjoy being around this "boy" (because a man would have the balls to openly and honestly talk to you) but it's not a healthy situation. Think about it, then re think about it. Talk to him honestly and from your heart and tell him you know about the web site and how it makes you feel. If he still shuts you out then it's time to move on and Stop the Insanity...

Everything that I highlighted in bold is about everything I wouldve said.. no need to "reinvent the wheel"...

However, if I may reiterate, you and this alleged man are both cheating on your individual mates... how would one expect honesty from dishonesty? Thats as much sense as trying to get someone in a mud puddle clean by grabbing a bar of soap and joining them in it! :( It is unfortunate that you have feelings for this person...I understand what its like to be in a loveless relationship ( I didnt have children however). But this is what I did--I GOT A DIVORCE. If for whatever reason, if your husband is an asshole, a lowlife, if he beats you, if he is a drunkard, if he terrorises you and your young ones, if he just stops having sex with you for no reason whatsoever ( hell HE could be cheating at THAT point), LEAVE--pack your flocks and herds and GO! Is he rich? Then take half!

Think about it... if this guy you are cheating with is cheating on his wife, what makes you think he isnt cheating on you? If he isnt honest with his wife, what makes you think he is going to be honest with you .... about ANYTHING?? Apparently he is a damn good liar, he's been doing it THIS long... on TOP of which, you must have been suspicious of SOMEthing ( considering you did say you are fairly intuitive) or else you wouldnt have taken the time to search for an ad made by him in the M4M area looking for transgendered womyn and bi guys in the FIRST place--

We dont know anything about your husband... what does HE do? What kind of man is he? WHat makes the relationship loveless, so that maybe we can better understand your point of view? Unfortunately, from my point of view, its a matter of two people cheating on their husband/wife and one cheater pissed that the other cheater is cheating. (:eek2:)


My :2cents: plus 8% tax.

[AdamKadmon43]

Don't ever, ever, ever trust or believe anyone that you meet on the internet.

**** this should lead to some story from that one in 37 million people who met someone on the internet and it turned into a beautiful, lasting relationship *******

[BrotherJack]

Don't ever, ever, ever trust or believe anyone that you meet on the internet.

**** this should lead to some story from that one in 37 million people who met someone on the internet and it turned into a beautiful, lasting relationship *******

Well, Adam, if you will insist on telling everyone not to every believe you, there maybe hope for you yet. Sadly some people ae never able to admit that they are the cause of any misery that happens and destroys a wonderful friendship.

I am still trying to work out how it can be a persons own fault, if they have been hurt by another and only because they are supposed to have realised this right from the beginning.

Some people are able to be honest and tell the truth...others.....I won't mention names...can't lie straight in bed.....but lie through their teeth and then lie to cover lies.

Put that in your whisky glass and drink it!

[farout10]

Sounds like a very distressing situation!

However, there is a possibility that the ad that is causing you so much concern was posted by someone else. It's easy to download a photo off someone's profile and use it to make a new profile. As a veteran of various sites over the years, I know that picture theft does happen. There are all kinds of jokers on the net.

So what can you do? Well, you could set up another profile posing as a male and reply to the bisexual ad...see what response you get.

or

In the spirit of open and honest communication you could simply tell your man that you've found a profile with a picture that looks like him.

Hope this helps...best of luck

[sortafreakin]

First, THANK YOU to everyone who took the time to reply to my post. Thank you, thank you...

An update on me, to help you further understand me and my situation.

I've been with my H for 20 years. We have two beautiful children. He is a great dad, just a bad husband. He is emotionally abusive toward me and refused counselling many times. He can always "justify" the things he says and does to hurt me. (no he is not beating me. He's not a scumbag, people, it's just over). The love I had for him he has killed in spite of my telling him he was doing it. However, and this is where you all can judge me and what not but unless you are in someone's shoes you just can't fully understand.

My H was my first love and my true love. I've been with other men (BEFORE we got married and when we were not together) but he was my first. All I can say is that it boils down to the fact that we have a real history. I've loved him more than half of my life (I'm 40). How can I explain all the birth and deaths and hard times and good times? I can't. There were about 13 wonderful years before things went off into a ditch. I'm not really interested in explaining all the ins and outs and whys. Honestly, we just drifted apart and then he started treating me like dirt (after I quit working to stay home and raise our two children). THE BOTTOM LINE ON THIS SUBJECT (my marriage) IS THIS: I'm not sure the things between us can be fixed and I honestly am tired of trying to fix it. I'm just riding things out till he kids are out of school and old enough to understand. We do not argue. We just don't have a relationship anymore. We're business partners. Yes, it's a tragedy but BELIEVE me...I've tried for SEVEN years to fix it with him, so while YES, I agree the right and best and ideal thing would be to fix my marriage, and I know people are only trying to help, but on the subject of my marriage, I really do not need or want advice.

I also have been out of the work force for 7 years, not particularly itching to go back into it (please spare me the feminist judgemental comments on that one...I have a best friend who already harps on that topic! LOL), we have a beautiful home that we've poured 300K into remodeling...and yes, he makes a good living....not to mention that divorce is just not something that's done in our families...a lot of guilt there about how it would affect the kids. (and it's 50-50 either way whether I stay or go. Either way isn't the most ideal situation for them)

I am not ever going to sit here and try to justify the affair or deny that it's wrong. It IS wrong. All I can do is provide some insight into why I felt driven to seek out the affections of another man. My husband does not touch me. EVER. Not even in a non-sexual way. There is NO contact. We do not even sleep in the same bed and haven't for 2 years now. And honestly? I've been dying inside, feeling very alone, needing and wanting SOMEONE to just show me a little affection. I just needed someone who'd understand how sad and lonely I was feeling cuz they were in the same situation.

I thought I'd found that. As for him, the same applies: there is a lot of history there. Married nearly as long as me. His wife has had some very dire health problems, and they have been thru hell and back together. He's almost lost her a few times. He loves her and has no intention of leaving her. He TOLD me to my FACE that he'd never had an affair outside of his marriage (and honestly, maybe he HASN'T--I just don't KNOW) and it was very believable because the first time we met he was visibly trembling he was so nervous to be meeting another woman and all...

So as for the unprotected sex. I'm not going to make excuses and tell you I didn't know better. HOWEVER, keep in mind that in my mind I was with someone who'd been in a strictly monogamous marriage for 16 years. (yeah, I know, the wife could be cheating and gave him something....etc....etc....and btw, as a matter of fact, she IS cheating on him as you are reading this). So YES, it was STUPID, STUPID STUPID. NO ARGUMENTS THERE. Try to keep in mind that we spent a LOT of time, almost two months, just talking and getting to know each other, before we even KISSED. This was NOT something EITHER ONE OF US rushed into. I honestly have a difficult time imagining him just meeting someone for casual sex. It just doesn't jibe with the actions I've observed. We both also were able to produce written evidence of being disease free. Don't think I just OOPS wound up f*cking him. Not at all. It took a long time because we both knew the gravity of the situation and what we were contemplating doing. We went very slow and took our time deciding whether or not it was worth the risk to our marriages, etc. He never rushed me. If anything, I was more in a hurry. All of this time, I was getting a clearer picture of who he was, and to be fair, 90% or a bit more have not been a put on. But the other 10% was really not bueno.

If I've somehow given the impression that I'm "enamored" with him, I would like to set things straight. We are friends. Period. One of the MAIN reasons I choose him was because he's NOT someone I'd EVER choose to have a serious relationship with. I choose him BECAUSE he's not all the things I'd want in a life partner. I'm Christian, he's an atheist. I have kids, he doesn't want kids...etc.....you get the idea. Those things, for the purposes of just having a friendship, I've always been able to set aside. I wanted someone HONEST and REAL. I got a kick out of seeing him referred to as "Mr. Wonderful". Oh, honey, he's not....LOL. One of the OTHER reasons I chose him is cuz I needed someone I was NOT going to fall in love with.....so I didn't want a stone cold fox, if you know what I mean. It was more important that he was kind and a gentleman and that I always felt SAFE with him...and he treats me very well. NO complaints. I chose him because I felt we had more things in common on a soul or core level than our differences. I came to care for him as a friend, but nothing more. If anything, I've actually been concerned that he was starting to fall in love with me, because he's always liked me more than I probably in all honesty liked him (as far as physical attraction--but believe me, that changed after we got down--my attraction to him, i mean). But it grew over time and because I saw and liked who he was and is on the inside. But now I'm hurting for him because I know he lives in constant conflict with himself....and I'm just the type of person that I don't treat people like trash when they are less than perfect.

I will absolutely get tested and I have already begun distancing myself. Yes I was stupid thinking just cuz he has been married 16 years and said he'd never strayed that that meant the couple of times we had unprotected sex would be okay. (I'm on the pill and was more concerned about getting prego). I was stupid to believe someone who had become my friend over the course of a couple of months of just getting to know. But who has never put trust in a friend and been let down? We all have. But I get that on this topic it's a no-go. Lesson learned.

As for the VERY ASTUTE observation that I was expecting honesty to come out of a dishonest situation and the lack of sense that makes, I could not agree more. I get that I'm the pot calling the kettle black here. We are both liars because we have gone outside of our marriages. It's not something either one of us are proud of or would argue is the right thing to do.

But even being the apparent liar that I am, I gotta tell you that I've never been anything but 100 percent HONEST with him. About everything. I have treated him as I expected to be treated. The fault is mine for having the naivete to assume that just because I've been transparent that automatically meant he was too.......I get it......

You forget these things when you have not "dated" for 20 years, you know??

As for what now....I honestly don't know. It's more of a bummer losing a friend than it is to lose the physical part of it. On the other hand, perhaps he was never my friend. What sort of a person lies about this stuff?

Perhaps my real question to the forum should have been this: I know he looks at the personals daily. I also don't have sufficient evidence to believe he does anything more than just look. But the obvious question is, at what point does it stop being just looking to acting it out? Who knows?

I have set up some very enticing ads that I knew would appeal to him. Even replied directly to his. I know he looked at them but he never responds to the emails. This leads me to think he's just window shopping. However, I know he is transfixed with shemale porn (exclusively) and that that is his main fantasy (trust me I was thinking of ways to itch that scratch with him myself cuz I'm not exactly a prude, know what I mean? )

I know for sure he is very conflicted and perhaps lying to himself about some things. However, I can honestly tell you that I went thru an exclusively shemale porn surfing habit for a while myself, because I can't say it's not hot. I also know I didn't really want to act anything out. Maybe he can justify his 'straightness' by the fact he's just looking. The porn I can understand. But the personals? Looking within our community here locally? This raised SERIOUS red flags for me.

Oh well.....maybe all of this shed some light on the situation. Thanks again.

[Jade Pecker]

If I were you, I would enjoy the sex, but take precautions, and realize that he is who and what he is. I was/am in a similar situation vis a vis the sexless marriage, and I swing with a cpl in another nearby town. We do not lie to each other, but I do not talk about certain things to certain people. I do not feel guilty about this.



Okay...here's my story.....and I apologize right up front for anything I may say that sounds ignorant or offensive...please know that is not my intent....and actually, the reason I'm here...because I am humbly asking for some advice from someone who perhaps has more insight into these matters than myself. All I ask is that if you cannot offer constructive advice, please don't bash me or judge me for reaching out and trying to understand.

That said......

I am a straight, married female. I am in a very sad and loveless marriage. About 4-5 months ago, I went 'looking' for a FWB online. I was not just looking for sex. I wanted someone that could be an actual friend. The sex would have just been a perk. But the friendship part was extremely important to me. And I was looking for someone in the same boat as me-married, but not leaving spouse, not looking for love, unhappy, could relate to me; someone looking for ONE lover exclusively...not a stable.

After 2.5 mos of meeting and getting to know a lot of guys, I finally settled on a guy that was exactly what I was looking for. Unhappily married, sexless marriage but not leaving his wife (very important!) and looking for friendship/something a lot more meaningful than just a FB, yet not looking for love. He's very much a gentleman, kind, sweet, intelligent, respectful, gsoh....everything.

He told me he was 'totally smitten' with me a month before we even MET face to face, because of the chemistry just online.....he said he was hooked because I got into his head. There was that mental/emotional connection there long before we actually met face to face, on both sides. I was meeting someone I already felt I had a very good 'gasp' of, as far as who he was, etc.

I am a highly intuitive person and there was NEVER a time that it just didn't feel 'right' in my gut. I trusted and respected and liked him. A lot. It was perfect. We've both been very happy with each other. We've both often commented on how we couldn't believe our luck at finding someone just SO exactly perfectly what we were each looking for. I've not regretted choosing him till perhaps now.

And the physical part? Off the charts. Not to be crass, but I don't have to do much more than look into his eyes for more than 10 seconds, and he's hard....so I KNOW I turn him on. He's an AMAZING lover. I could just kiss him for hours (and do...).

Here's the rub: He has sworn up and down, backwards and sideways that he is STRAIGHT. He is actually SO over the top about how much homosexuality in any form makes him ill that it made me think, "Geez! Lighten up!" in the beginnng.....and then to "methinks he doth protest too much".....

There is nothing about him that would imply he is anything other than straight. I've asked him directly, or even made some very gentle remarks about how everyone is 'gay' sometimes.....but got shut down. NOPE. NO WAY. NOT HIM. NOT EVER. GROSS. (sigh.....)

So I got curious......and started poking around the personals on the web...Lo and behold, I found an ad that he posted right around the time he and I had just begun having (out of this world) sex. Photo.....has tatts, so it's a dead ringer it's him...even with the head cut off.

It came as a tremendous blow. I was sick to my stomach and could not think straight for two whole days. It's NOT so much the fact that he posted an ad as a "bisexual male and that he was looking for other cool guys or sexy Tgirls to hang out with".... It was that I've trusted him with my body, my health.... my whole life, since we are both married and could really mess up each other's lives. Trust was a must. I thought I had someone worthy of my trust....and I have EXTREMELY HIGH standards. I did not 'settle' for this guy. I picked him over about 20 others.

I'm devastated. He's my friend. I care about him. I've gotten used to spending a good deal of my time, energy, etc. with him. I never worried that he was not being exclusive with me. I never dreamed he was trolling for other men/TV/TG/TS. Reading (or even posting) isn't doing anything....and.... I have no proof that he has replied to anyone or made a hook up since we've been together. I realize that there is a chance he is satisfying his urges/fantasies just by looking and that's enough for him. But I don't know.

Anytime I try to get him to be honest with me, he flatly denies, which hurts because I AM his friend. He could have told me....I would have had to talk to him in more detail about his practices before going to bed with him, but perhaps if I were armed with that knowledge beforehand, we could have worked thru that fairly easily.

I have shared with him my own personal theory on human sexuality, which is that I believe we are ALL born bisexual. There are just varying degrees of preference/indentifying. I'm straight but I've had serious thoughts of hooking up with another girl...I've looked at the personals, myself. Even responded to a few. I haven't ever gone thru with it, but the point here is: I get it. And I also understand how someone like him (very masculine and spent 15 years as an elite soldier) would want to hide his longings for sexual contact with other men from a 'nice Christian girl' such as myself. I think he's afraid I'll run screaming.....

So my problem here is twofold:

1) concerns our friendship, aside of sex. He lied to me about something that I think is just a tiny bit important. I'm finding out he lies about all sorts of other things, too. I'm devastated because I trusted him, only to find out he cannot be trusted.

2) concerns my worries about my health. This is where you may have to tolerate my ignorance... But because I cannot get him to open up and share his fantasies/experiences/habits that involve other men, I have no idea what kind of risk I've been put to. I have no idea if he just wants or gets the occasional BJ....or if he's into bottoming exclusively. There's a big difference in terms of how that could affect me.

I need some wise advice here. I still like him, adore having sex with him and enjoy his company. However, I'm an intelligent attractive, self respecting woman who does not suffer fools or liars gladly. I don't need this crap. I can easily find someone else. (I just really don't want to cuz we had such a good thing going) I know he lies to me about all sorts of things...and I don't know why, cuz I'm a pretty cool chick. The friendship is very open in terms of both of us understanding we each have lives/marriages outside of 'us', so I've given him no real reason to feel like he can't tell me what he wants/is into/is up to on any given day.

And I don't understand, because believe me, when he is with me, the way he acts with me isn't a put on. I KNOW he's into me, attracted, cares for me. I also know he is very afraid to lose me because he DOES have feelings for me/wants me badly. But I gotta be honest and say that it is a bit of a blow to my ego, just as it would be to find he was with another woman....or just looking for one...or whatever he's actually doing. I don't understand why he would need another actual body when he has someone who is VERY open to doing just about anything sexually and is a bit deviant, herself. (And please let me stress that I honestly do not know for sure if he's making actual hookups now or not, but I'm betting this has been going on for several years, so I'd find it hard to believe he's never actually engaged in activities in the past.....probably rather prolificly).

In the beginning, we always used condoms. Then we sorta got sloppy about it and have done you name it without one. So it's a concern to me....and I'm a bit freaked out because I'm a mom of 2 small children who don't need a sick mommy....and I honestly cannot assess the risk level here.

I can't get him to open up/be honest. He flatly refuses to admit he is anything other than straight as an arrow, in spite of comments I've made here and there to sort of let him know in a roundabout way that it'd be okay if he wasn't just 1000000% hetero. I still think he's very manly, and I DO know...

And I can't just come out and say, look, I know you are bisexual, stop lying to me about it because I think he'll completely just shut down on me (which I woud too, if someone confronted me that way). I do not want to shame him in any way at all...I DO understand....kinda....and I still care about him and still want to have sex with him (I....um....think....) but I wanna know the TRUTH so I know how to protect myself if I DO decide to continue seeing him.

On the other hand, I'm pissed as hell. How he could do that to me? Yeah, I KNOW he 'just couldn't tell me' and why...all that.....but my GOD! A FRIEND would never put another friend in (potential) harms way. Am I right or am I overreacting?

I am very torn. Part of me wants to end it the same way I'd end any relationship that had ongoing trust issues, regardless of gender. But this was never supposed to be a 'normal' relationship. We sought each other out because we're both unhappily married and wanted to have an affair...how much weight should i give this?

Should I just let it go (not try to get him to talk) and assume he's engaging in the highest risk practices and protect myself accordingly because we have an awesome sexual relationship that I enjoy and don't want to lose???

I actually care about the guy. I'm sad that it seems there is nobody in his life that he can just be completely himself with. That must be an awful feeling. And I'm also sad because up till now, I DID feel that we had the kind of friendship that we could tell each other anything. I want to be there for him, you know? But I do not want to shame or hurt him, either, even though I am feeling hurt and a bit betrayed myself at the moment.....

What would you do???

Thanks to all who were kind enough to read my lengthy post. I'm truly very torn up about this....

[malcolm4572]

I'll step out on a ledge and offer you this advice. I accept that all of us are liars from birth. Sometimes, lying can be completely justified and even helpful to others. To me, the judgement of a person is not one's ability to lie or the lies they may have told, but being able to tell the truth when asked directly.

We have a phrase for this in my world called; "chum chum honor". To say it to another, it means you forgive the lie in exchange for the truth. When said to you, you must tell the truth, or you are forever doomed. It's a kids game really, but if you can't abide by its rule, then you have lost reality and are truely doomed.

So put your lies on the table first, and then ask for the complete and simple truth from this person. If you get anything less...., RUN!

[PearlGirl]

He may have a sex addiction...the lies, shame, reckless behavior are potential signs. I don't know either one of you, nor am I a professional but it's worth considering. Here is a self quiz for men:

Men's Sexual Screening Addiction Test
By Patrick Carnes, Ph.D. and Robert Weiss, LCSW, CAS

The screening test below is designed to help you self-identify a potential sexual addiction problem. It offers an overview of concerns frequently presented by both men and women seeking help for problem sexual behavior.

Instructions

Answer each question by placing a check in the appropriate yes/no column. Questions with an asterisk* are not related to sexual orientation. Answering yes to more than 3 questions may indicate a sexual addiction problem, which should be openly discussed with a trained sexual addiction specialist.

Questions

1. Do you believe you have a sexual problem? *

2. Do you often justify or minimize the extent or type of your sexual and romantic behaviors to yourself or others?

3. Do you often find yourself preoccupied and distracted by sexual thoughts when you do not wish to be?

4. Do you regret the time and energy you spend in the pursuit of sex or romance?

5. Has paying for sex ever challenged your finances?

6. Have your sexual or romantic behaviors ever caused physical or emotional harm to anyone - including spouses and long-term partners?

7. Do you have trouble stopping any aspects of your sexual behavior even though it may go against your values and beliefs or even cause you harm? *

8. Is your involvement with pornography, phone sex, online sexual interactions, etc. greater than your intimate contacts with romantic partners?

9. Do you keep the extent and/or nature of your sexual behavior a secret from your intimate friends and/or partners?

10. Are you eager for events with friends or family to be over so that you can leave to have sexual adventures?

11. Do you regularly go to strip clubs, sexual bathhouses, sex clubs and/or adult bookstores?

12. Do you believe that pornography and anonymous or casual sex have kept you from having more long-term intimate relationships or from reaching other personal goals?

13. Do you have trouble maintaining sexual interest or intimacy once the "newness" of the person has worn off?

14. Do your sexual encounters ever put you in danger of arrest (e.g. seeing prostitutes, sensual massage, having sex in a public place)?

15. Do you have unprotected sex with prostitutes and/or anonymous partners (please consider unprotected as: oral, anal and vaginal experiences without protection)?

16. Has your sexual behavior ever caused physical or emotional harm to others (Examples include: lying to a spouse, breaking your commitments, giving people diseases, etc.)?

17. Have you ever been approached, charged and/or arrested by police or other security personnel as a consequence of your sexual behavior choices?

18. As an adult, have you ever been sexual with someone under the age of 18?

19. After you have sex, do you sometimes feel depressed afterward or become angry with yourself about what you have done? *

20. Have you made repeated promises to yourself to change some form of your sexual behavior only to break those promises later? *

21. Has your sexual behavior ever interfered with some aspect of your professional or personal life? *

22. If questioned, do you lie to those close to you about your sexual behavior? *

23. Do you routinely pay for sex (examples: have sensual massages, see prostitutes)?

24. Have you ever had sex with someone just because the situation aroused you, yet later felt shame or regret for doing so? *

25. Do you regularly cruise, public restrooms, parks, and/or red-light districts seeking anonymous sexual encounters?

[TwylaTwobits]

Well Honey, I read it and I feel for you. But in reading it, I realized you already know the answer. You said you don't suffer fools or liars. The reason he lied may make a difference, but trust is something that once broken is very hard to establish again. I'd suggest you get tested ASAP and keep getting tested, no matter what any lover has told you or even if condoms were used. You have two small children and they don't need a sick mom.

Now there are a lot of replies here and a lot of good advice. My own personal two cents is stop sleeping with him until you get a straight "pardon the pun" answer from him regarding his sexuality. Let him know it doesn't bother you if he is bisexual but that you need to know for your health and his health and the health of anyone else he or you may be sleeping with, ie your spouses.

[rissababynta]

sortafreakin-
You should have gotten to know him better and gotten tested together before having sex without condoms and doing safer sex.

Have you been living under a rock for the past 20 years? Do you not know about HIV and other STDs?

I hope you don't have the fuck flu from taking lots of loads up your cunt and ass but what would you do if you did?

Also what were you expecting from a guy who is cheating on his own wife with you? That he'd be completely honest?

Sorry but you walked into this one. You also should not have been cheating on your husband with anyone at all!

I don't feel bad for you or for him since you were cheating on your husband and he was cheating on his wife too.

We all have choices to make in life and you're a complete moron for the ones that you've made so far.

TROLL TROLL TROLL haha. I LOVE the name this time...cause that wasn't screaming "troll" right from the start as it is lol.

[MaybeSayMaybe]

Intuition is all nice and all that, and if you are like me you catch some pretty subtle things, and when your intuition fails, it fails spectacularly, and oddly succeeds another level.

This guy has problems and is playing you, and doesn't give a damn about your health. He's lying to you, and to himself too. There is a lot of this going on. Admit to yourself that he came in under your radar screen and dump him now before it gets worse. It will. And pray that isn't a psycho.

[csrakate]

Perhaps my real question to the forum should have been this: I know he looks at the personals daily. I also don't have sufficient evidence to believe he does anything more than just look. But the obvious question is, at what point does it stop being just looking to acting it out? Who knows?



Well..just how long did it take you from going from "just looking" to "acting it out" when looking for a FWB? I don't know why you are even wasting your time trying to set him up when you should be questioning why you are going to such lengths to do so. Just how much more dishonesty do you wish to bring into your life and into this "relationship"?

I know your life must seem empty in a loveless marriage, but only YOU can fix that. And for you to remain in such a relationship for "the kids" or to maintain a lifestyle is hardly one that justifies you seeking out a person to "fill the void" sexually, so to speak. You need to get honest with yourself, first and foremost and stop making excuses for a behavior that is based on dishonesty and instead think about YOURSELF, YOUR KIDS and the life lesson you are teaching them through this behavior. Look at what you are forcing your kids to see on a regular basis. They are growing up witnessing a relationship that is devoid of intimacy and love and that is hardly something that will give them the stability that they need to live a stable adult life themselves.

What I am trying to say is...why so much attention on whether or not this man is lying to you when it's almost slapping you in the face that he is??? Why not spend this energy on yourself instead....finding ways to improve YOUR daily existence and the daily existence of your kids? I hate to be so brutal but you are condemning your kids to live out the loveless relationship between your husband and yourself for what I perceive are very selfish needs of your own. If your husband is such a good father, he can continue to be one if your marriage is no longer intact. And replacing the intimacy in your marriage with the affections of another man won't fix what you are portraying to your kids. Get past your own immediate needs and consider the future. Don't play the martyr and "suffer fools and liars". Get YOUR life on track and put aside those that hamper your ability to do so.

Best of luck to you,
Kate

[Beefeater]

First of all, u say that u saw a (headless) pic of him in a personal ad. Are u REALLY sure that it's him? It could be someone who just has a body that looks like his.

That being said, u also say that u are sure that he's lying to u. If u r REALLY sure then u HAVE to walk away NOW and start getting tested because if he is REALLY lying about being not being bi, then he could also very well be lying about his health status.

[ahenh12]

i'm not writing this to bash you, but you have opened yourself up to criticism with your post, so i think you do need to be able to take it. but first, get a blood test immediately, and second, stop having any sexual contact with him. you're right, you don't know if he's acted on his posted ad or not, but can you afford to take that chance??

i think you are in a state of denial, when you say you aren't infatuated/in love/etc. with him and only are friends and nothing more. the way you write about him, and the fact that despite his dishonesty and that he ISN'T EVEN YOUR HUSBAND, that you still can't bring yourself to make a clean break (which would be very easy b/c you have nothing keeping you together - kids, a mortgage, etc.), means you have more feelings for him than you're willing to admit. if i may play amateur psychologist, if you admit to yourself that you love him, or simply that you care for him as more than just a FWB, then you've crossed a line you didn't want to cross and weren't prepared to cross. but by saying to yourself over and over again he is ONLY a friend and never will be anything more, then you can continue to go to sleep every night next to your husband and make dinner for the kids and not worry that you're doing anything to hurt anybody.

i can't think of one reason for you to stay with this guy. and when you hopefully do break it off, i'd be 100% honest about the reason why - you saw the ad, he lied, he's living in denial, etc. you'll be doing him a favor, a slap in the face that might just make him come to grips with his bisexuality. and you'll feel better b/c it'll give you complete closure.

i obviously only know what you've put in your couple of posts, so i don't know intimate details about your husband, but maybe you could've invested the time and effort into your marriage instead of finding your FWB? or maybe you could consider that now, after the situation has blown up in your face?

i'm going to close by saying that i do not feel sympathy for your situation. i've never cheated, and if i ever were to cheat on my wife, i would expect none as well. but, you are a fellow member on here, so i wanted to give you my two cents. i guess i'm giving you the tough love approach. so if you take nothing else from this post and think i'm a jerk, at least end the relationship.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Ah Babygirl..I am so sorry that you had to have this happen. In my humble opinion, if you cannot trust him to tell you the truth, then you dont need him in your life. And, if he's willing to lie to his wife about You, then what makes you think you can trust him in the First place? Trust, even among friends, should be Abslotely paramount, and if someone cannot be honest about Anything, then how can you fully trust them ever again?
If I were you, I'd copy the ad he had, plus the tat pics, confront him quietly about it, show him said pics, then say "You hurt me and I cant trust you. If you cant care enough to tell me the truth and be Completely honest, then I dont need this relationship to continue. Have a nice life."
Then head for the hills...Ya lie to me once, I'm gone.
Good Luck Hon.
Cat

[vittoria]

I know your life must seem empty in a loveless marriage, but only YOU can fix that. And for you to remain in such a relationship for "the kids" or to maintain a lifestyle is hardly one that justifies you seeking out a person to "fill the void" sexually, so to speak. You need to get honest with yourself, first and foremost and stop making excuses for a behavior that is based on dishonesty and instead think about YOURSELF, YOUR KIDS and the life lesson you are teaching them through this behavior. Look at what you are forcing your kids to see on a regular basis. They are growing up witnessing a relationship that is devoid of intimacy and love and that is hardly something that will give them the stability that they need to live a stable adult life themselves.

..... I hate to be so brutal but you are condemning your kids to live out the loveless relationship between your husband and yourself for what I perceive are very selfish needs of your own. If your husband is such a good father, he can continue to be one if your marriage is no longer intact. And replacing the intimacy in your marriage with the affections of another man won't fix what you are portraying to your kids. Get past your own immediate needs and consider the future. Don't play the martyr and "suffer fools and liars". Get YOUR life on track and put aside those that hamper your ability to do so.



Well said.

Real life isnt "Desparate Housewives", "The Real Housewives of Orange County", "Army Wives", or any other bullshit cheating female "Wives" show on television. All they seem to care about is the pleasure of the woman. 'Take the poor defenseless females side' when its all self serving BS. Honestly. And about what others in your family and community think about that naughty word 'divorce'-- which is more important, what people think about divorcing, or what those same ones would think about the entire affair if that was to be found out? Which would be more embarrassing for you and those you claim to love: that mommy left daddy because he wasnt being a good husband, or that mommy is sleeping with another guy while she's sleeping with daddy and that guy is also bi? Sounds like you're living in a gated community, and OH WHAT A DOOSY that would be! Thats too much Peyton Place and soap opera for any person to put their children through. It doesnt sound kosher either to (paraphrase) state that you're in it for the money and the sanctity of the family name. A name is a name. A reputation however, is eternal. A person can change their name, even change their religion; but, for example, who can forget Prince (before he changed his name) dry humping his guitar?? NO ONE. If all the materialistic crap that this world provides is apparently more important than your kids and your psychological health, then is that what you're willing to be measured by??





i'm going to close by saying that i do not feel sympathy for your situation. i've never cheated, and if i ever were to cheat on my wife, i would expect none as well. but, you are a fellow member on here, so i wanted to give you my two cents. i guess i'm giving you the tough love approach. so if you take nothing else from this post and think i'm a jerk, at least end the relationship.

I almost felt some empathy for your situation until you typed


I know people are only trying to help, but on the subject of my marriage, I really do not need or want advice.

Your marriage and the things going on in it are the Alpha/Omega, the beginning and the end, part and f**kin parcel of what is going on currently, or else there wouldnt be a problem.

Thats part of the dilemma when going on a site with the thread title: "WTF do I do NOW?! What would YOU do? Please help!!". Thats a way of asking for advice, and before anyone gives advice, it helps to know somewhat the 'whole story' beforehand. Basically it appears youre REALLY asking "How can I have my cake, eat it too, and not feel guilty?"

My additional :2cents: plus 10% tax ( damn economy and percentage rates)

[sortafreakin]

Once again, thank you to everyone who replied, with the exception of a few so-called "trolls".

I'm not here for sympathy or forgiveness, so I don't need to be told I'm stupid or that you don't feel sorry for me. I have 25 years of my life invested in a relationship with a man who is no long 'in love' with me. We NEVER kiss, touch in ANY fashion and we stopped sleeping in the same room years ago. Yes, I was trying to do my best to stay in this marriage for many reasons. They are many and very complex and I do not need to justify my reasons for staying. I WILL say that I already know for a fact that my husband will make my life MORE of a living hell if I LEAVE than if I just stay and tough it out a few more years. I get what y'all are saying about what the kids witness between us (no physical affection) but we are 99% polite and respectful with each other in their presence.

As for the reason this is hard for me to let go of. This may sound really stupid but it's the TRUTH. First of all, I thought this thing through for TWO years before posting a profile looking for someone. TWO YEARS. I thought it out from every angle. In the end, I chose to give it a whirl because I just feel like I need something for MYSELF for ONCE to help me hang in there with this marriage. Is that selfish to want that for myself? Yeah, I suppose it is. My life is all about giving of myself to my family...I often feel like there's nothing left and I do not have anyone to give me the attention or affection I need. I've felt very, very alone. So sue me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you all say....so quit your fucking whining and divorce him and move on if you are so unhappy. Well, isn't that just the easy answer to give someone? Sure....and I'd probably say it to you, as well. But it's a LOT easier SAID than DONE. So if you all think I'm stupid or a tramp, then think what you like. I know who I am. I've a good woman in an emotionally/verbally abusive relationship. When only half of a partnership is willing to change/go to counselling, etc. what can you do but try to do things in your life that enrich it on a mental, physical, spiritual and emotional level. And NO, having an affair is not an 'enriching' experience.

The REASON why I feel reluctant AT ALL (and I shouldn't) to just end it (and TRUST me, I've come very close to ending it three times already without a second thought) But the reason...probably the stupidest thing I have said on here yet, is that I invested a LOT of time in the 'selection' process....talking to, getting to know and occasionally meeting for coffee from a group of about 20 men. The process was time intensive and stressful, and not one I want to repeat again. Things just seemed to click into place with this guy. It's been fun and provided me with EXACTLY what I've been needing and missing soooo much. IT'S NOT ABOUT HIM. If you get one thing I'm saying, get that. My reluctance to let it go is about ME, not him, even tho I DO feel sorry for him that he is lying to himself even more than he is lying to me. I don't want to end it just cuz I put so much friggin effort into finding HIM. That, and it's only VERY recently (mid Dec) that we even STARTED having sex...it's still 'new' and 'exciting' Okay, that's a STUPID reason. Yes, I'm an idiot. I don't care if you think I'm a whore, I know better. AND YOU ARE ALL PREACHING TO THE CHOIR. The other part of it is that I guess when I *really* am a *true* friend to someone, I struggle with doing anything that will hurt them EVEN IF THEY'VE DONE A TERRIBLE WRONG TO ME. I suppose I'm too nice and too forgiving. Obviously. I'm still with my husband....

PLEASE, ALL ...... I don't need advice on a moral or ethical level here. NOBODY on this board is going to beat up on me more than I beat up on myself. I came here to ask for advice mainly from a HEALTH standpoint, because this is the first time I've EVER done anything like this, much less had an experience with someone 'into' what he 'appears' to be fixated with...as far as habits and health risks. HEALTH ADVICE.

That said, I DO still appreciate the 'tuff love'. SOME of you have said the things to me that I already know and would say to someone just like me in the same boat. So I don't have my panties in a bunch over it, I just want advice that is RELEVANT to my concerns about health issues. Telling me I'm a whore and that cheating is wrong so you can feel all self righteous.....PUHLEEZE..... I HAVE BEEN A FAITHFUL WIFE IN THIS MARRIAGE FOR 20 (TWENTY!!!!!!!! GET IT? TWENTY) FUCKING YEARS AND 2 MONTHS. So don't get on your high horses with me and tell me, "marriage takes work and communication and all that......phsaw! You think I don't know that?! How many people even MAKE it to being married for TWENTY years? Huh? So get off me for my 4.5 months' worth of POOR JUDGEMENT.
Ya'll don't know me or who I am. I'm not an evil person. I do not participate in this activities without conscience.

SPECIAL THANKS TO THE FOLLOWING MEMBERS FOR SHARING THEIR INSIGHTS...MUCH APPRECIATED: csrakate, MaybesayMaybe, TwylaTwoBits, and PearlGirl....and the especially thought-provoking and practical words offered up by malcolm4572. Thank you all.
To Ms. Rottencrotch and any other of your 'ilk'....I hope that you find the same compassion and well meaning advice from others when you fall on YOUR face and are in need of an objective, non-judgemental sounding board. You are certainly very deserving.

Enough said.

[frikidiki]

(I wrote the following before some of these other posts came out, then had technical problems. It's a bit late, but perhaps no less relevant because of that. --frikidiki)


To me, the judgement of a person is not one's ability to lie or the lies they may have told, but being able to tell the truth when asked directly...So put your lies on the table first, and then ask for the complete and simple truth from this person. If you get anything less...., RUN!


...stop sleeping with him until you get a straight...answer from him regarding his sexuality. Let him know it doesn't bother you if he is bisexual...

I totally agree. Setting the health question aside--because you know this stuff already and it doesn't really need any further address--I would say that it's time to lay it out on the table. You could still take that break, but it may not be too bad an idea to have this talk first.

From what you've said, you share these turn-ons that obviously could take this FWB relationship into new territory. Save this as a happy bullet. First, sit him down and show him the ad you found. Don't let him explain just yet! Ask him to hear you completely out before he says a word. Tell him how you felt when you found it, and how much fear and hurt it has instilled in you. Finish this with what you expect from him. Then, still not letting him explain, shoot the happy bullet! You'll know from the next words out of his mouth whether he can be trusted or not. Go with your gut, and remember that you must protect your interests first.

I don't profess to know you or him, but based on what I've read, I submit that this relationship means more to you than you care to admit. Either you need the sex or you want his companionship as well as the sex--take your pick--enough to want this FWB to work. The fact that you've written so much makes this obvious to me. If in this relationship the trust you felt is both important to its foundation AND broken to the point to which you've questioned its sustainability, then the right answer is to put an end to it, and you've received plenty of responses echoing this statement to varying degrees. However, that's not what you did. This is just how I see it--I'm making no judgments.

I'm not going to offer advice on your marriage, since you said you don't want it, but I am going to talk about divorce. I've survived three divorcesa and the subsequent fallout that have directly affected me--that of my parents; my own; and that of my brother, whom I currently live with. Divorce is all-too-often a dirty, ugly business, and I hope to God I never suffer through one again, be it mine or someone else's.

Nevertheless, faced with the lack of love a person needs in a happy marriage, the best way to approach it is in a businesslike manner, as you now approach your marriage. Simply holding off on the divorce for the sake of the kids is noble, but also comes with its ups and downs. Children aren't unaware of a lack of proper love between their parents--indeed, they suffer in their own way to have to see it. Also, have you considered the ensuing fight? You know you're cheating; your affair, if known to your husband, will be ammunition against you, whether or not you can justify it. He may not know about it now, but you must assume he will know eventually, and prepare yourself. In your shoes, I'd draw up an agreement similar to a pre-nup that divides the lives in such a way that a divorce can just be filed and signed into effect. In it would be a provision to allow either party to see other people--past, present, or future--without consequence. This would effectively and (if I'm not mistaken--anyone?) legally make roommates and business partners out of the two parties, such as you and your husband seem to you to be, and open the way for either a smooth divorce or a heartfelt reconciliation. All this is, of course, unprecedented and easier said than done. If my partner had any feelings for me, the shock of being asked to sign such a thing would drive home the extent of the problem. Otherwise, both of us would have our freedom--the rest is just handling it well for the sake of the children.

I don't recall you mentioning whether you know or suspect that your husband is having an affair. I wouldn't be surprised at all, and, honestly, neither should you be. What would surprise me is if he was and you didn't know, given that you seem to be good at sniffing out things like this. If you were to find out this is true, how would you feel?

Regardless of whether or not you answer and how, I wish you the best. Despite my dislike for the way you've made this more complicated, I actually like you for who you've so far shown us you are, and I have the most heartfelt pity for you and your predicament. This only goes to show how much gray there really is in a world we've all been taught to see as black and white. :-* on the cheek!

[Gemini25]

Health issues aside, you know you need to be tested, and keep getting tested to keep on top of things and keep yourself healthy. And there is nothing else that can really be said about it. You have mentioned several times about being concerned with the health aspect of what’s going on. In the end, no matter what, you can ONLY protect YOURSELF as much as possible. Just because your gentleman friend might like a little bum fun doesn’t mean that he’s going to be catching anything either. That is just the heinous rhetoric that the religious people want you to believe. There is just as much disease in the straight world, as is in the Gay and BI world so enough about that. PROTECT YOURSELF! It’s all you physically can do.

As for staying together for “The Children” may I just politely say that is the biggest load of Shit I have ever heard. Dr. Laura should be slapped for even making people think that no matter how miserable they are they should stay together just for the kids. Being the child of a dysfunctional/loveless couple, when I was a child and into my teen years I would wish and pray that my folks would get divorced for no other reason for them to be able to be finally happy, and stop bickering with each other, and saying rude comments to one another. You say you and your husband are polite with each other in front of the children, but then he’s verbally abusive to you. I must also point out that mental abuse is just as bad if not worse then physical abuse. At least with physical abuse the wounds heal, but the mental abuse stays with you a long time. What are you going to tell the children when it comes time that the youngest one finally turns 18, you let out a Woo Hoo! And finally run and get a divorce? How unfair is it to your children to let that happen. You say he’ll make things worse for you if you leave? How much worse can it get? How much worse does it have to get before you finally do something? The “D” word is not something your families talk about or believe in… And you know it’s unfortunate that divorce even exists but it’s a fact of life, and is here for a reason.

You sound very selfish, saying how much time you’ve put into your marriage, how much time it took you spent to find your gentleman friend whittling down the list from 20 to 1, how much your putting up with at your house, ect., ect.. As if you want or deserve some kind of reward for your efforts, and that everyone should just say good for you and it’s ok for you to do what you are all ready doing… Your original question has all ready been answered several times in several different ways but it seems you are looking for someone to agree with you and feel sorry for you for the situation you have gotten Yourself into. What is it that you are truly looking from here?