My dislike for socializing with guys gets even stronger

[miamiuu]

I'm bi but I rarely like guys. I have no problems telling people im straight cus i get with guys rarely and in general im not physically attracted to guys or their personalities. I dont want a ton of guys bothering me. Anyway I have been hitting a club recently and this bartender keeps approaching me. He and I are just doing basic small talk and its a gay party at a typically straight club. i dont go there to hook up with guys. So here I think this guy is just being friendly and then i hear this other bartender there tell like 30 people that I like this other guy. and its really annoying when you arent even sure what the other guy wants and then some other guy is up in your business.

[donnydarko]

ok....lol well its a club...ppl r drunk and even the ones that are not always been hitting on other ppl. if ure not interested in hooking up then just say ure taken...or tell the guy ure not interested. dont dislike "men" because they hit on u lol i mean its not like women dont hit on men.

[frikidiki]

I'm bi but I rarely like guys. I have no problems telling people im straight cus i get with guys rarely and in general im not physically attracted to guys or their personalities. I dont want a ton of guys bothering me.

I can relate to this in my way. I don't really aggressively pursue acquiring sex partners at all, though I have certainly had my share of casual sex. As ridiculous as it sounds, I feel like I'd be bothering people if I were to do that (I also don't care for rejection, though I'm man enough to handle it). I feel like people on the prowl objectify others or the parts of others that they want; even in casual sex encounters, I like to be able to enjoy the person and maybe make a friend out of them. Is this how it is for you?

You say you're not generally attracted to other guys--what do you like? I honestly can't give a good list, but I know I LOVE curly hair and brown skin on either gender. There are a lot of cute Mex-American men where I live, though many are too effeminate for my nerves. I like an overall tender and thoughtful nature that isn't fake. Anyway, I'm only sharing this cuz I asked you first.


Anyway I have been hitting a club recently and this bartender keeps approaching me. He and I are just doing basic small talk and its a gay party at a typically straight club. i dont go there to hook up with guys. So here I think this guy is just being friendly and then i hear this other bartender there tell like 30 people that I like this other guy. and its really annoying when you arent even sure what the other guy wants and then some other guy is up in your business.

Yeah, that gossippy bullshit really annoys me, too. I wonder, though, how do you really feel about that bartender you've been talking to? Don't worry, I won't tell him--lol--I'm just asking.

I'd suggest that you may have inadvertently sent signals, or that you're in an established hookup environment when you need something like a coffeehouse. In San Antonio, we have one called the Candlelight Café. It actually has couches, food, and drinks, in addition to coffee and pastries--it's like a big living room! I've never gotten that hookup vibe off the place. Have you been able to find something like this in your area?

[miamiuu]

he actually so far does seem like a pretty cool guy and yes he is attractive, but the guy is a bartender lol. Also I really hate having my business all out there in front of everyone. Plus i dont whats the phrase lust over bartenders like that. And im just annoyed when some guy is approaching me and hasnt made the reason really clear to me and im the one that supposedly likes him.

I mean when i overheard this other bartender start telling all these other people i was in shock and the guy that has been approaching me walked by and he started dancing next to me a little and all i could say is what the fck is happening with that guy. He actually knows the bartender and he starts asking me if the guy is being a fggt and im just like not thinking right going wth lol. anyway i needed a break so he said he would go talk to the other guy and i left the place lol because I really felt like he needed to be punched in the face. It was really surreal because this bartender seemed normal the past 6months but since the other one started talking to me he goes bonkers. I was thinking he liked me or was an ex f buddy of the other bartender.

[Gemini25]

I'm bi but I rarely like guys. I have no problems telling people im straight cus i get with guys rarely and in general im not physically attracted to guys or their personalities.

Telling people or offering up personal information about your sexual preference to ME tells me that the person isn't really who or what they say they are. I must admit it took me a really long time to become comfortable with being BI, but once I did it took a lot of stress and guilt off of my shoulders. I would sugest offering that information on a need to know basis.


I dont want a ton of guys bothering me. Anyway I have been hitting a club recently and this bartender keeps approaching me. He and I are just doing basic small talk and its a gay party at a typically straight club. i dont go there to hook up with guys. So here I think this guy is just being friendly and then i hear this other bartender there tell like 30 people that I like this other guy. and its really annoying when you arent even sure what the other guy wants and then some other guy is up in your business.

Maybe the other bartender knows the bartender you were talking to is Gay or BI so that automatically made you gay or BI and a potential date because you were making small talk with him. Did he really make an announcment to 30 people, or was it just a few people and it made you self conciouse? Guilt by association really sucks, BUT it happens and you should be comfortable and confident in yourself to not let that kind of stuff bother you. People say stupid shit all the time. Don't let it get to you, and if you liked talking to the bartender maybe instead of talking at the bar meet for coffee somtime, or go somewhere else to talk.

Even if they are ex fuck buddies it's still not right for the other bartender to be in your business. Maybe he was jealous because he wanted to get with you and the other guy got to you first... People are strange.... and do strange things. Just my...:2cents:

[miamiuu]

I just dont say im bi too much because what happens is when you say it to a gay guy they dont seem to understand that and start asking you multiple times what your sexual preference is. I am just finding guys extremely annoying and i dont like them enough to want to deal with the hassle. im just going out to have a good time. I'm not even sure the guy that approaching me is gay. To me I always thought he was straight so im kind of bsing with him like were friends. I'm not thinking date, relationship or sex at this stage with this guy. I like to dance and he told me he liked to dance so we had a few conversations about dancing lol.

I didnt have the best reaction because i get pissed when i dont know what the hell is going on. Just shock of this person saying things to a lot of people. Plus I overheard it and not the clearest so I was kind of like what??????//////// And this is a case where i dont know wth is going on.

[frikidiki]

Blow that scene!

Wait, that sounded funny! :-P

I meant put that scene behind you. It's normally a straight bar, anyway--hardly any specialization, in my book. You're just wanting to socialize, and that's actually not normal for so many bars nowadays..

I feel your pain. All you can do is be yourself and keep trying.

[miamiuu]

miami-If you can't handle the attention from men don't send out the signals! ;)

If you're not interested in a guy just say so and take it as a compliment that he was interested in you.

Yeah but who in their right mind would take a bartender seriously?

He seems cool maybe ill talk to him and ask him if he is actually hitting on me lol.

[frikidiki]

Yeah but who in their right mind would take a bartender seriously?

He seems cool maybe ill talk to him and ask him if he is actually hitting on me lol.

Hey, bartenders are people, too! Usually, they're the center of the bar, in that they know the regulars and often how their bar is perceived and relates to others. From both social and material points of view (as such goes for bars in general), there's a strategic payoff for being or knowing a bartender.

And yet, there's a certain amount of loneliness or separation that they feel, for a variety of reasons. Actually, to me, bartenders are kinda hot, for the very reason that they do what they do.

So I say, don't just ask him how he feels about you--take a chance on making a friend or more out of him. Enjoy it, and don't worry about where it goes.

[miamiuu]

lol ive known bartenders before and from what i know they use their customers for sex and then throw them aside, sleep with other bartenders where they work, lead people on for money and so on and so on. Also they talk everyone elses biz to everyone.

I knew one for like 3 yrs and i thought he was cool and we chatted through email he stopped returning my emails and 6 months later i run into them and tell them ive been emailing them for 6 months and they are like so. And what annoyed me even more is he was winking at me and being stupid like he does to complete strangers he doesnt know. I basically sent him an email telling him off and that im not going to put up with that type of bs from him.

[frikidiki]

lol ive known bartenders before and from what i know they use their customers for sex and then throw them aside, sleep with other bartenders where they work, lead people on for money and so on and so on. Also they talk everyone elses biz to everyone.

I knew one for like 3 yrs and i thought he was cool and we chatted through email he stopped returning my emails and 6 months later i run into them and tell them ive been emailing them for 6 months and they are like so. And what annoyed me even more is he was winking at me and being stupid like he does to complete strangers he doesnt know. I basically sent him an email telling him off and that im not going to put up with that type of bs from him.

My experiences have been different, but then again, maybe I didn't know them well enough.

Maybe it's just where you're at? I've heard that Miami is a town in which superficial wants and traits reign supreme for the majority of people there. If that's true, then in my mind your experience makes sense.

I try not to waste my time on people like that. Their hearts are like empty vessels that refuse to be filled.

[eddy10]

I agree that you need to find another place to hang out.

[jem_is_bi]

I agree that you need to find another place to hang out.

That seems like great advise to me. There must be many more places you would enjoy and not have unwanted sexual issues.

[AdamKadmon43]

Yeah but who in their right mind would take a bartender seriously?



Who in their right mind would take YOU Seriously ??

[BrotherJack]

Who in their right mind would take YOU Seriously ??
And you CAN be taken seriously. Please! The number of stories I have heardfrom you and how they change, means that you are most certainly not to be taken seriously. Stop hijacking the threads! You think you're clever...you're not! You think you're having fun....Well you are a jerk!!!

[rissababynta]

lol ive known bartenders before and from what i know they use their customers for sex and then throw them aside, sleep with other bartenders where they work, lead people on for money and so on and so on. Also they talk everyone elses biz to everyone.

.

Umm...I know LOTS of bartenders, including my brother in law, from different cities and states. I have not seen this enough to be able to make a general statement about all of those whom tend bar...

[eddy10]

So, MikeHunt why did you leave the restaurant abruptly?

[miamiuu]

this is getting crazy
now all the bartenders are talking crap and everyone is discussing what my sexual preference is. They all want to know what my sexual preference is and they are asking other people. picture 4 bartenders going is he gay or straight lol.

[miamiuu]

So now someone who was another moron who i told i was bi like a year ago opened their mouth and outted me to the whole night club. Now I have morons going around asking other morons if im bi why would i tell people in a mixed night club im straight.

Hello could it be because

1 i dont want to explain my preference to these people
2 I dont want to have guys coming onto me or have guys wanting to talk about guys to me.
3. I dont want the people that work there actually coming onto me.

Are these things really that hard for people to understand? Im at the point where if they even bother asking i have no problem telling them im straight just to tick them off.

[MikeW]

So now someone who was another moron who i told i was bi like a year ago opened their mouth and outted me to the whole night club. Now I have morons going around asking other morons if im bi why would i tell people in a mixed night club im straight.

Hello could it be because

1 i dont want to explain my preference to these people
2 I dont want to have guys coming onto me or have guys wanting to talk about guys to me.
3. I dont want the people that work there actually coming onto me.

Are these things really that hard for people to understand? Im at the point where if they even bother asking i have no problem telling them im straight just to tick them off.

I'm confused... you're bent out of shape by the people in this bar yet you continue to go back there. You’ve told people there you are bi yet you get angry when people acknowledge it. You go to a gay party and you get angry when you receive an advancement from another guy even though you consider yourself bi. My question would be why do you continue to go there? Something’s telling me we’re not getting all the pertinent details. And why would you want to piss them off? I guess some people just like controversy. Personally, if I don’t like the vibe of the place I am in I leave and find a place where I do like the vibe.

Mike W

[miamiuu]

I told one person I was bi. And they opened their mouth to about 30 people. I also told this person I was bi like a year ago. Hell, my status could of changed lol. I dont like guys in general that much I keep the option open more as if I meet someone I happen to click with. Im not actively pursuing a guy. Anyway I dont go to this club to meet guys. Its mixed and girls go there too. I go more to hang out and just be there for the party. Feels like all these people knowing im bi is making me a moving target for guys to approach when im not there looking for that.

[jeancarleo]

I dunno if all bartenders try to hit on costumers but some do wink at you and try to talk and or flirt. I just had sex with one who looked like a top but ended up being a bottom who loved hard sex. Anyway, just do what you feel like doing. Talk with whoever u want to talk but be serene and don't get in trouble in places like that since you're the costumer and they the bartenders. remember that they're the one's selling alcohol so maybe they want a tip.

[csrakate]

Quite frankly, until you become more comfortable with who you are and just what you are looking for, you are going to continue to misinterpret how other people perceive you. I am sure you are quite the catch, but don't be so fragile as to assume that you're the target of unwarranted gossip and innuendo. There have to be plenty of truly bisexual or gay men that frequent that place as well so if you aren't interested in the ones who you say are talking about you, I can't possibly conceive that the majority of them are THAT concerned with your sexuality that they make you the center of their gossip...unless of course you keep sending mixed signals! I have to agree with Mike...I'm not sure why you keep going back there since you have listed your complaints about the bar numerous times.

[rissababynta]

I agree, if the place is that much of a problem where you feel the need to complain about it, then find another place. There are two things that I can think of:


1: There is a part of you that kind of enjoys all this attention but you are trying to play it off, which is a common thing. ooorrrrr

2: There is something called the "imaginary audience" which usually effects teens, but is not isolated to them. Basically, if you've ever wanted to answer someones question, but you thought people wwould think you're either stupid if wrong or a know it all if right, so you choose to keep your mouth shut, that is havng an imaginary audience...because in reality no one really gives that much of a crap.

Number 2 kinda hits on what kate was saying...there's a really good chance that it may just be a problem with a few select people, but you're perceiving it as something much more widespread.

[miamiuu]

Its not about being comfortable with who I am because I am. What bartender do you know would go on for 2 months putting your business out to like 50 people. The guy definitely has issues. That is not normal behavior. Why should he care if im gay straight or whatever. That just isnt normal and the fact he was able to involve all these other people I find crazy. Im going to still go there, but Im not talking to anyone up in that place. Anyway thanks for the comments I can only guess what this nutcase will come up with next.

Like I said if Im not actively looking Im not going to advertise.

[vittoria]

So now someone who was another moron who i told i was bi like a year ago opened their mouth and outted me to the whole night club. Now I have morons going around asking other morons if im bi why would i tell people in a mixed night club im straight.

Hello could it be because

1 i dont want to explain my preference to these people
2 I dont want to have guys coming onto me or have guys wanting to talk about guys to me.
3. I dont want the people that work there actually coming onto me.

Are these things really that hard for people to understand? Im at the point where if they even bother asking i have no problem telling them im straight just to tick them off.

Sometimes its better just to go to the convienence store and grab a bottle of vino or biere and stay the hell at home. IMHO :2cents:

[vittoria]

I'm confused... you're bent out of shape by the people in this bar yet you continue to go back there. You’ve told people there you are bi yet you get angry when people acknowledge it. You go to a gay party and you get angry when you receive an advancement from another guy even though you consider yourself bi. My question would be why do you continue to go there? Something’s telling me we’re not getting all the pertinent details. And why would you want to piss them off? I guess some people just like controversy. Personally, if I don’t like the vibe of the place I am in I leave and find a place where I do like the vibe.

Mike W

Which is something that me and my BF did, for example. Some places are already clicky in nature and everyone has gossipy shit to do. So therefore we stay away from those places ( think of it as the "we dont take to your kind" scenario complete with the dOOd on the front porch in the rocking chair with straw hangin out of his mouth and "Ol' Blue" by his side...)

I also dont understand why you still go somewhere where the "air" is so cluttered with BS...

[miamiuu]

ive been going there for 3 yrs and no problem and it felt like this bartender got together a posse to chase me out of the place. so im whining some but i still have a good time when I go there and if me being there pisses off the people that wanted to chase me away im cool with that.

It gets slightly annoying though when you see a bartender involved gossiping who you know has a boyfriend that goes around telling customers that ask him that he is straight.

[MikeW]

It gets slightly annoying though when you see a bartender involved gossiping who you know has a boyfriend that goes around telling customers that ask him that he is straight.

Why is his life any concern to you? Aren't you complaining about him being concerned with your life? It sounds to me like you're as involved as anyone else in the gossip/concern over other peoples' private lives.

If you're gonna talk the talk...


Mike W

[miamiuu]

Why is his life any concern to you? Aren't you complaining about him being concerned with your life? It sounds to me like you're as involved as anyone else in the gossip/concern over other peoples' private lives.

If you're gonna talk the talk...


Mike W

Hello, I didnt bring the guy with the boyfriend into the whole situation. I find it odd that a person who lies to people there about having a boyfriend and doesnt want his business put all out there is totally cool with putting my business out there.

[MikeW]

Hello, I didnt bring the guy with the boyfriend into the whole situation. I find it odd that a person who lies to people there about having a boyfriend and doesnt want his business put all out there is totally cool with putting my business out there.

Some people are jerks. I try to just move on and not waste energy on them. But ya, it can royally piss you off when you encounter one.

[mindfinding]

Here are my :2cents:

I get hit on an awful lot by ladies. I have for years. I could no sooner hate women because they find me attractive as I could hate fish for swimming.

If people like your look, or whatever, and they have some level of confidence, of course they'll come tell you....and try to hook up with you in some cases. It's human nature. That's how we find a mate.

[miamiuu]

The situation is so whacked out right now that im having to be an ahole because i wanted to know if this was one of those stupid situations where this bartender that approached me was immediately bragging to everyone else up in the place when he and I barely talked about anything that led to this two month mess and my outting. I straight up asked the bartender if he told the other person that I liked him and he said no. But the guy that has been approaching me comes off kind of like the type of person that likes to get attention from people and seem like he is getting chased. which makes me think he either started the whole mess by telling the other guy I liked him or he took our few small conversations wrong and immediately told everyone I hit on him when they were just meant as casual conversations. Cus the people at this club just talk right in front of you but not loud but loud enough where you can tell they are talking about you.LOL I have even been thinking of buying a shirt that says if you are talking about me you need to get a life because literally i walk in and the people are running their mouths about me as I walk by.

[rissababynta]

:rolleyes:

[csrakate]

I have even been thinking of buying a shirt that says if you are talking about me you need to get a life because literally i walk in and the people are running their mouths about me as I walk by.

Maybe you just have toilet paper stuck to your shoe? LOL!:eek:;)

[rissababynta]

lmfao!

[miamiuu]

So the new topic up in the place is does being bi mean you are gay. And literally I heard people talking about me and the other guy. They were like he is gay, but he is bi. How is that going to work? Its like wtf. Who the hell told them all this? The fact this guy is a bartender though is really a very big warning sign for me. Also the fact he told that ahole bartender that I liked him when he and I had only 3 short casual conversations.

[rissababynta]

Well this will probably be the last time I respond to this thread because quite frankly I think it is ridiculous that you are going off on this. Either you are making this up and replying to this thread about this stuff to constantly let people here know how desirable you are or you really like the fact that you are the center of attention and are covering up by complaining, because even the most spiteful people I know would not keep putting themselves in this kind of a position by continuing to going there and deal with childishness...

...AND if they did, myself and the other friends that these people have would have slapped them silly by now...

[MikeW]

Well this will probably be the last time I respond to this thread because quite frankly I think it is ridiculous that you are going off on this. Either you are making this up and replying to this thread about this stuff to constantly let people here know how desirable you are or you really like the fact that you are the center of attention and are covering up by complaining, because even the most spiteful people I know would not keep putting themselves in this kind of a position by continuing to going there and deal with childishness...

...AND if they did, myself and the other friends that these people have would have slapped them silly by now...


Yup, that pretty much hit the nail on the head.

[jem_is_bi]

Off and on, I have touched base with this thread. I just do not understand what is the problem. It seems to me that you should be very happy that you do not have anything really important to complain about.
Life is too short to waste it being paranoid about what everyone else thinks about you.
What are you doing about it except get mad?
Are you striving to fulfill a meaningful life goal?
If not, you should. Then you would not have the time or desire to add fuel to the fire of others fascination with trivia about you.

[miamiuu]

So now the people in the club that were talking about me are now spreading rumors about the guy that was obsessed with my sexual preference for 2 months and saying he is gay. He had customers walk up to him all night long asking him if he was gay.

[rissababynta]

Whoop de doo...

[MikeW]

So now the people in the club that were talking about me are now spreading rumors about the guy that was obsessed with my sexual preference for 2 months and saying he is gay. He had customers walk up to him all night long asking him if he was gay.


oh for gawdsake, move on. I feel like we're back in high school.

[miamiuu]

Well it turns out the guy that started all this drama and rumors was also bi. He has a girlfriend. I got on the guys case that started approaching me in the first place and I outed him and he turned out to be gay and he outed the bartender that was running his mouth off about me. So now things are quieting down, but i do love hearing his customers walk up to him and asking him if he is gay.

[Doggie_Wood]

Whoop de doo...

NO! Rissa sweetie. It's

Whooooop dee fuckin' doo :bigrin: :tongue:

Yas needs ta be more cullafull bout tit. ;)


Doggie :doggie:

[12voltman59]

Miamiuu---I don't know how old you are--since in your profile--you don't have enough information that tells us anything useful about you other than I gather--you live in Miami, Florida.

I get a sense that you are rather young as well--in college I would suppose--at least in that age range where people are initially in college.

If that is the case---let me play a role as someone with some "snow up on the roof now" play "daddy" a bit too and suggest---develop a thicker skin and don't really concern yourself so much with what other people think about you----you have to find that balance regarding that--I mean you have to have enough respect from others and such to operate well among people---but you earn that by your actions, your demeanor and things of that nature---you seem to really like drama---I say forget the damn frackin' drama---and don't worry about this bartender so much---

One sure thing to do--don't hang around this frackin' bar---it sounds like it has a dysfunctional vibe going there---there are plenty of great places to hang in the greater Miami area--find one that is laid back, cool and such--and don't worry so much about those other mother frackers!!

Sure as hell get a thicker damn skin and don't worry what those other bozos think!

(man I love the new BSG show--it gave me a good alternative "F" word to use! LOL)

I do have to ask--why in the hell are you investing so much energy centering around this bar or whatver it is?? That is not healthy my man!!!! It is just a frackin' bar--not the center of the universe!!!!!

It sounds to me like you do need to find a new place and crowd to hang with!!

[bret5668]

Good grief....if you are honestly THAT concerned with people talking about you... for God's sake...move on with life and frequent different places, this has become a ridiculous rant

[DeShawn2]

I think what bret5668 and 12voltman59 are trying to say is that just because we're a part of the GLBT umbrella/tree/whatever, that doesn't mean that the community owes us anything. We certainly don't owe it anything because of that.

When I came out and wanted to delve into my affection for guys, via gay bars, I had to learn that I can't make that community work for me. For example, I don't HAVE to go to this prominent gay bar just because it's the best in the community. If it doesn't work for me in some ways, then that's fine. If it does, then that's fine, but it still has to be natural and organic.

The more we try to force ourselves to be GLBT by others standards instead of just being ourselves and not apologizing for it, the more unhappy we'll be with ourselves. It's still taking some time for me to 100% apply this!

You owe it to yourself to go for what you like and not apologize for it, even if it's a little loney.

[rissababynta]

:banghead:

[miamiuu]

Yeah I know no one is interested, but I dont care Im posting it anyway. It turns out that this guy that started this whole mess and was continuously telling people that he was straight had a picture of him surface with him giving a blow job to the manager of the club where he works at.