Can an "open marriage" work?

[pmg_ams01]

The background: I'm married, have always been faithful and always acted straight. In my heart I knew there was a "gay" side to me, e.g. I find the sight of a male body attractive and arousing, I have gay friends - although I couldn't relate very well to the gay culture. I thought I was happy and settled in my marriage. However, over the years our sex life has seriously deteriorated. Last year, I found a web site describing bisexuality - and it made a massive impact - I could relate to it, identify myself in a lot of what was written and I realised that this might be the place I was at. Having struggled with a lot of emotions, and some very awkward situations, I tried to explain all this to my wife (who is very definitely straight). Her reaction was cool, but we started to talk about it. Then a while later she got really upset and angry. She says she finds that fact that I could be sexually attracted to another man repulsive, and says that any hope that our sex life could be rekindled are out of the window.

Now here's the hardest bit for me to articulate. We both want to stay together under the same roof, we have dependant relatives (not kids) and we have invested a lot of time, energy and money in a fantastic place to live in the middle of the countryside. We have horses and dogs and the thought of moving out is a nightmare for both of us. We've discussed the concept of an "open" marriage, where either of us can have a sexual relationship outside the marriage, in my case obviously with either gender (which for me if it were a MM relationship would be a first!), but we stay as friends as best we can, and we hope that we can live with this.

Has anyone any experience of this type of arrangement, good or bad, that can help us sort things out in our minds? If you think it's doomed from the start, say so - this is completely uncharted territory for me and my wife. I've seen so much common sense written on these forums I'd love to hear your views. Thanks.

[Raine]

PSG, I am terribly sorry to hear that your wife doesn't understand bi-sexuality. Her reaction, I am afraid, is typical ... bi-sexuality = man getting horny over another man = sick!!

I can really only suggest that you try to educate her by finding material on the internet about bi-sexuality and what it actually means and how one man can be attracted to another man without seeking companionship/a life with him. There are lots of information sites and all free.

Of course, you could also go and consult a sexologist or get books on the subject and ask her to read them for your sake and the sake of your marriage.

My wife is very understanding and has always encouraged me to explore and enjoy by bi-sexuality. If we can help you or her, please let us know.

[Mrs.F]

pmg,
I too, am very sorry to hear of your situation. But I'm afraid that your wife's reaction is VERY normal. Been there, done that myself. I'm a wife who just found out hubby is bisexual a few months ago. He's always known but discovered he loved me and wanted to live his life "straight" and put away the desires for a man. Telling me everything was very difficult and embarrassing for him. Listening and hearing what he was telling me was horrible! It's alot to deal with and alot to understand when you don't understand any of it. What helped me was coming to this site. There are a few of us straight wives on here with bi husbands. My husband had joined this site long before I knew and had made some friends. When I found out I watched him in the "main" chat room talking to people and soon realized that maybe I should join myself and check it out. (what could it hurt) It's a been a few months now and I feel more comfortable and accepting of his desires for a man. I do not look at him any differently then I did when I married him. Though I am not ready for him to be physically be with another man yet. I have accepted his bisexuallity!
Your proposed "open" marriage and living under the same roof sounds very difficult to me. But not to say it would not work. I guess I feel that if you love someone, you accept them for who they are. Your still the same man she married and maybe in time...she will not feel so threatened or disgusted. But it's going to take time with ALOT of communication and honesty. :2cents: I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do. :)
Mrs.F

[yaknowthatguy]

I've some experience with an 'open' marriage, but under different circumstances.

Would probably be worth looking at polyamory.org, and similar websites to get a better feel about options. Also, reading The Ethical Slut should be on your agenda, it's a fantastic resource.

The way I see it, there's only a few options.

1 - have an affair. Galactically bad idea.
2 - a "don't ask don't tell" agreement. I'm uncomfortable with this, as I think honesty is far better, and a realistic way to address problems. It can work for some, but not my preference.
3 - Poly relationships - the problem here is that your wife probably won't go for the "open honest" part of the definition.

My belief is that honesty's got to work with all of it - if you can't be open and honest about your feelings and desires, then there are underlying problems with the marriage that still need to be addressed. While your home sounds quite fantastic, having to tiptoe around it doesn't, and I wonder if that will become a problem. Having an open marriage is typically based in explicit trust and love, and it doesn't sound like all of this is the case right now.

Certainly don't just take my advice on this - keep reading, keep asking questions. Keep plugging away at it. Perhaps couples counseling would be in order? Just an idea.

Whatever happens, I'm sure we'll all wish you luck and happiness. Keep us posted!

That Guy

[Lorcan]

And if you can't reconcile with your wife i suggest building on a extra wing on your house so you can live. What you are describing is a marriage of convienance, and that takes extra personal space. Not joking.

But some marriage counciling with your wife by a queer friendly councilor could work.

[red_riding_hood_27]

Along with Mrs F. I just recently learned this of my husband. However it seems backwards with us.My husband is more hushed about his activities and getting him to talk is liking pulling my nails out. I am afraid of what he will say but then again I can deal with the feelings and move on. I am trying to understand the side of him. I have bought several books on Bi and even has started looking into Ass love. Somethings I am okay with and even sounds fun. I am not all the comfortable or even will be with a MM relationship. Not becuase of the bi part but becuase he MARRIED me. Fantasy is one thing everyone has that but to want to fulfil that part of him has me scared. That alot of the "what ifs " come to mind. The insecurities in me come to my mind. To me whether you are religious or not when you make a comittment to one person then you should abide by it. If you want a "open relationship" then don't get married. That is the part I have a problem with. We have also talked about staying together even if the marriage part does not work out. You know like Will and Grace. (excpet my friends think I am better at being Karen) We are still working on our marriage. It has put a strain on us. I wil l not lie to you it is hard for the person who is str8 just it is for the Bi person in the relationship.

Keep talking to her and maybe you two can work out a compromise to what she would do or allow in your marriage. We are still working on that.

My only complaint with my sex life is that I am doing all the research to please him and he has no desire to please me. He has never tried to work on that aspect of our sex life. My fear is that he is more toward the gay side then my side. I am having to deal with that.

Sorry I got on my ban wagon. I am in a mood. It has been a rough couple of days for me. (you know my birthdays allways sunk and not in the good way). Just once I would like to have it go good for me.

I am sorry to type so much. But maybe my story will give you some thoughts on why she is so opposed to it. It is scary to think you might want someone or something different. That we are not enough to make you happy. You know sex was awful last year for us til I confronted him on what was going on. Then sadly I found out. He was just not into it. Women know when a man is faking it. And yes you guys do that too. So maybe you thought you were good and she thought otherwise. Some women need you to be there for sex. All of you.

Okay now I will let you go. Bye for now Angela.

Oh I can not remember who signs Ang, But that is how I used to but I guess there is others of us. So Hi ANG!

[jasforjas]

sorry dont want to sound unfriendly

but right now i dont think you have a question, i could work with

all things come to an end as do all relationships

from my reading poly people (at least a sort of open mariage) have hell days - but their high days are the thing of legend.

so perhpas the folks here could address the question a bit more usefully if 'work' was a bit more defined

any way all the best with what you face

[Mrs.F]

I reread your post again. You mentioned that over time now your sexual relationship has deteriorated. I guess I missed that part the first time around. So, now to me, it sounds as if there was already a missing part of your relationship, which caused you to bring up the feelings and desires of a man again. I'm sensing that the problem is not all you. Your marriage seemed to already be having problems and then you told her of your bisexuality. So, this inturn gave her an out. (to make the problem all yours) I think your desires for a man are only part of the problem. You really do need to seek some marriage counseling. :2cents:

My husband I were having some of the same problems in the bedroom. With a small child and working, I was just exhausted all the time. Sex was NOT important to me. Infact I would go bed and pray he would leave me alone. I was sad that I was not interested but I didn't know how to make myself interested. ( I guess you would say we hit bottom for awhile in our marriage) Apparently that was when he started feeling his bisexual side come back out. I soon found out about it and that's when all our healing, talking and being honest started. As I told you, once I got through the shock part of all it, I realized that I loved him and it wasn't all him who had the problem. I had to look deep into my heart and soul and figure out what it was I wanted. What I want is my family together and my husband to love me the way I love him. Things have much improved but it's taken the same amount of work from both of us. :)

I think both of you need to find out what the problem is before you decided to have an "open" marriage. Because I just don't see how it is going to work. :(

Again, as I have told you...I wish you the best of luck in whatever you both decide to do.
Mrs.F