Finally being honest with myself?

[TheBisexualProfessor]

Hi Gang--hope everyone is having a good New Year. Some of you have really been great about following my story and sharing your advice. Your kindness is overwhelming!

Today one of my students stopped to visit a few minutes. With no warning whatsoever he revealed that he is gay and needs someone to talk to about it. I was happy to help and I suspect we'll talk again. But as I listened as carefully and attentively as I could, and as I looked into his gorgeous blue eyes (which we a bit red from emotion), I realized that his struggle is MY struggle. We are the same.

Reflecting, I have to admit that I do believe that sexual orientation is something that can only be understood in a way such as Dr. Kinsey suggested: we can be "more or less" attracted to the opposite sex and "more or less" attracted to the same sex. I know that I'm bisexual because I find both sexes attractive, erotic, stimulating. But something with which I've been struggling came clear to me today as this 20-something student looked me in the face: I'm gayer than I am straight. I'm bisexual, sure, but the better part of me loves the curves, the strength, the hardness, and the masculinity of another male.

The most difficult part is admitting to myself that I want to spend whatever sexual years I have left being a man who shares his sex with another man. Numerically, I've had much more experience with women than with men, but the experiences with other men have been unbelievably more fulfilling. It's time to admit this to myself and act on it. God knows what will happen when I finally get the last part of this out to my beloved wife -- she has been so generous and so supportive all along the way. But I think she knows the truth and is waiting for me to discover it and speak it to her.

[onewhocares]

I'm gayer than I am straight. I'm bisexual, sure, but the better part of me loves the curves, the strength, the hardness, and the masculinity of another male.

The most difficult part is admitting to myself that I want to spend whatever sexual years I have left being a man who shares his sex with another man. Numerically, I've had much more experience with women than with men, but the experiences with other men have been unbelievably more fulfilling. It's time to admit this to myself and act on it. God knows what will happen when I finally get the last part of this out to my beloved wife -- she has been so generous and so supportive all along the way. But I think she knows the truth and is waiting for me to discover it and speak it to her.

Hello John,

Your words could have been written by my husband of twenty two years. He finally came out to me in September and it was both a blessing and a curse. I am most glad that he finally admitted it to the most important person...himself. Like you suspect your wifes reaction..I can almost assure you that you are correct. She has more than likely known longer than even you. My husbands worst regret in coming to grips with his sexuality is how much he believes that he has hurt me..he can not get beyond that. I try and reassure him of my love and understanding of him and we are working to a common ground how we can continue to enjoy our lives together. If and when you tell your dear wife, please have her contact me if she needs to chat with another woman who has been in her shoes.

Belle

[onewhocares]

Belle-If your husband is gay, why are you still married to each other? *confused*

Does your daughter know that her dad is gay?


Well Kandy...as I quoted in John post, my husband is more gayer than bi. For us we have a profound love for each other that transcends just sexual relations. Do we still make love...yes! Does he want to have a man in his life....yes! Does he want to have another woman in his life...No. We have a life, family ( our daughter who is fourteen and while does not know for certain she knows that we are not your typical traditional couple. When the time comes and she does ask..we shall be open and honest with her) and a history. Too much to give up. We are working out our relationship...is it easy no. But then again nothing worth keeping is easy.

Belle

[jem_is_bi]

I have always been attracted to sex with men more than women. However, I was 58 before, the realization that the end of life was closer than the beginning made me fearful that I would reach the end of my life with an ever increasing profound sense of loss of what could have been years of happiness by being in a relationship with another man. So, I know how powerful the urge to be true to ones sexual interests and desires can be. But, life is a continuum, so, if you treasure all of your past as much as your future and if you love your wife, and all that she has been and is to you, then, you will need to accommodate her happiness in your future to avoid an equal sense of loss.

[onewhocares]

Belle,
that's interesting. If your husband is gay how do you still have sex? Why does he still have sex with women if he's gay and not into having sex with women or even attracted to them? Does he ever get grossed out by having sex with you?

The gay men I know who were married to women said how once they knew they were gay they lost all desire to pretend to have any sexual attraction towards women and there was no sense living a lie and pretending to be in a relationship or even pretend this to their kids or wife so they came out and got a divorce and they're much happier people because of it.

They also said how while sex with women disgusted them they only did it just to appear straight even though they weren't attracted to women at all.


Well Kandy, I can not comment on any relationship but my own. Yes we still have sex...sex of every kind imaginable. We have shared several lovers and there are NO complaints. To me living a lie would be if he kept it within himself and hid his desires. But he has not. We each have a lover of our own and I have no problem that once our daughter moves out on her own having his lover come to live with us. I guess I am just a most open minded woman and to me...loving a person is key..the person within the body....be they a male or female.

Belle

[onewhocares]

Belle,
It just seems like you're just going through the motions, and trying to hold onto something that isn't meant to be and won't last at all since your husband is a homosexual man.

Get a divorce with your husband now and start separate lives/relationships with your lovers since it will be easier now than when your daughter has moved out.

If you don't do this now it will eventually happen in the future, and even if your husband's lover does move in with you that won't last or work either.

Thank you Kandy for your kind advice.

Belle

[nicco413]

Kandygirl, you describe yourself in your profile as a Lesbian- fine no probs with that, but you seem to misunderstand the term bisexual- there are many of us married, in a fulfilling heterosexual relationship, but who also love same sex relationships.
Provided that out partner is aware of our bisexuality and loves us then where is the problem?
I believe that a majority of people, if honest with themselves, are more bi than het.
Some are gay.

[alegrias]

Belle,
It just seems like you're just going through the motions, and trying to hold onto something that isn't meant to be and won't last at all since your husband is a homosexual man.

Get a divorce with your husband now and start separate lives/relationships with your lovers since it will be easier now than when your daughter has moved out.

If you don't do this now it will eventually happen in the future, and even if your husband's lover does move in with you that won't last or work either.

I think that Belle already explained very well why she and her husband are still together. He obviously loves her and enjoys sex with her or they wouldn't be together. Also, Belle understands that he has a strong attraction to men and is not trying to prevent him from having a relationship with men. Why don't you leave well enough alone?

[Annika L]

Belle,
It just seems like you're just going through the motions, and trying to hold onto something that isn't meant to be and won't last at all since your husband is a homosexual man.

Get a divorce with your husband now and start separate lives/relationships with your lovers since it will be easier now than when your daughter has moved out.

If you don't do this now it will eventually happen in the future, and even if your husband's lover does move in with you that won't last or work either.

Am I reading this correctly? A person states that she and her partner love one another, and enjoy sex together...and your response is that they should divorce, because *you* can't understand their relationship?

What I read of Belle's post was that her husband was more gay than bi...that is not saying he is gay, and if you understand bisexuality, as you claim, you would understand that. Sexuality is a continuum, not a 3-way switch (straight, gay, or bi). If Belle's husband is, say a 6 on the 7-point Klein scale, that would make him "more gay than bi", but still have some level of attraction to women that would explain why he might still enjoy sex with his loving partner.

How you can think you know enough about this relationship based on a few posts that you feel comfortable recommending divorce is beyond me. Your curiosity up to that point was fine, but personally, I found your judgment and recommendation distasteful and out of line.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Kandy, you dont know Belle or any of us here. She never said her husband was gay, she said he is Bi. That's vastly different than being gay. You should get your facts straight before commenting on anything, and it sounds like you are provocing, and thats not the way we do things here.
Cat

[Annika L]

I see it as him being closeted if he's really actually homosexual or gay.

Anyway Belle's profile says how her husband is "mostly straight" so this just shows how he's closeted or at least someone is closeted about his sexuality and just wants to hold onto a relationship that's not going to work if Belle is a heterosexual woman and her husband is a homosexual man.

He can try to say that he likes sex with women all that he wants and try therapy or the whole "ex" gay thing and even try to balance an unequal relationship with a lover and his wife but if he's really gay none of this will work.

Boy, you've really got it all figured out, don'cha?

How you see it is irrelevant. What matters is how Belle and her husband see it.

[alegrias]

Am I reading this correctly? A person states that she and her partner love one another, and enjoy sex together...and your response is that they should divorce, because *you* can't understand their relationship?

What I read of Belle's post was that her husband was more gay than bi...that is not saying he is gay, and if you understand bisexuality, as you claim, you would understand that. Sexuality is a continuum, not a 3-way switch (straight, gay, or bi). If Belle's husband is, say a 6 on the 7-point Klein scale, that would make him "more gay than bi", but still have some level of attraction to women that would explain why he might still enjoy sex with his loving partner.

How you can think you know enough about this relationship based on a few posts that you feel comfortable recommending divorce is beyond me. Your curiosity up to that point was fine, but personally, I found your judgment and recommendation distasteful and out of line.

Well said.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Sorry Proff. Sorry that your original thread got demeaned by someone who has no idea of what life, love, and relationships are really all about.
You do what you feel you need to do for you, Hon. ;)
Hugs
Cat.

[onewhocares]

Anyway Belle's profile says how her husband is "mostly straight"

Kandy,

Thank you for taking the time to read my profile. What you neglected to mention was that after the "mostly Straight" are the words incidentally gay. I do not think that I have given a mis-impression of his sexuality in our profile. I do not ever recall saying that he did not like having sex with me...he does and does often. Heck I happen to be a tall sexy blonde from Boston! ( said tongue in cheek!!)

One thing you seem to be overlooking here is that not all relationships are based solely upon sex. Being married or devoted to a life partner means more...many of us here enjoy and flourish in the relationships we are in with bisexual partners.

Again, I must reitterate...I am not speaking of any ones circumstance but my own. I would never have the audacity to comment upon another's relationship unless as the adages says " I have walked a mile in their shoes". Life would be so boring if we were all the same or had the same thought process.

To paraphrase Robert Frost...two roads diverged in the woods, and I took the one less traveled by and it has made all the difference. To each his own.

Belle

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Is it just me, or have those very words been said Several times before, nearly word for word. Hmmmmm...
Cat

[onewhocares]

Since this post was started by the bisexual professor I think we should address his concerns and not get wrapped up in comments that I made regarding my relationship. Life is way too short.

Belle

[TheBisexualProfessor]

Holy shit ... is this a thread or a knot? LOL!

Kandy, dear heart, I am touched by your fervor but saddened by your lack of depth. Relationships are complicated things. Speak as you must, but don't be deluded into thinking something as shallow as "a gay man and a straight woman can't have a meaningful relationship."

Thanks to all who've kindly voiced their concerns, their opinions, their ideas. Even Kandy! Belle, thanks for jumping into the fray. Mountain Cat Lady, thanks to you, too!

:male:

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Hey, us Mississip folks haveta stick together..lol
Hugs Sugar. ;)
Cat

[Laken]

Prof-How's it shallow? It's the truth whether you and Belle want to accept it or not.

While gay men and heterosexual women can be excellent friends or even love each other as friends, as far as sex and true romance goes it's not going to be the same as the relationship, romance, and sex that two bi/gay men have together and that's a fact.


Are you a homosexual male? No? Didn't think so.

I am, however, thinking that this may be another lovely manifestation of our local troll!

[onewhocares]

If both people are staying together just because of having kids and wanting to appear to be breeders in a healthy relationship/marriage to their kid like Belle and her husband are doing usually the kid knows that one parent is homosexual and a closet queen like Belle's husband is.

Oh Kandy Kandy....you are TOO MUCH

Yes there is a Queen in my family...and baby I am it. I am the only one who wears that crown. I am treated like a Queen and treasured alike. Our child is a rather astute young lady....take a look at my thread on talking to children about sex and I have no doubt that when and if she asks about her dad sexual identity he will talk openly and honestly about the men in his life and the roles they play.

I do wish you might be able to see beyond your tunnel vision on this subject to realize that the world is a wondrous place and people of all walks of life, races, ethnicity, age, educational level and many more attributes can all find joy and happiness with another person in this world..MY WORLD is not as your viewpoint is....YOURS is YOURS and MINE is MINE. Each of us is entitled to our opinion.

Let us let others contribute their opinions to the original thread.

Belle

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Do you just have this overwhelming Need to be a nasty and shiity to people, or what? No matter what Anybody says, you think you have all the answers to everyones dilemma but your own, and no ones opinion but yours matters. You dont know what anyone else is going through because you havent been in their shoes, and you dont have anything good to say about the situation that you dont know anything About. You dont know gay from bi, and you dont understand the relationships between a man and wife. So what makes you such a big expert? Nada.
Cat

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

LOl Well Proff. Guess its you turn to be memorexed. He/She cant even think of a reasonable come back so she/he/it has to double post. Hugs to you for putting up with such ignorance. Stay true to you Darlin and stay true to that sweet lady of yours. :}
Cat

[Laken]

I know that I'm bisexual because I find both sexes attractive, erotic, stimulating..... I'm bisexual, sure, but the better part of me loves the curves, the strength, the hardness, and the masculinity of another male.

Kandy, Can you PLEASE explain to me how that translates as being COMPLETELY homosexual???

[Laken]

He said how he's way more homosexual than bisexual in his first post. Read it again.

Those quotes were from his first post. Read it again. He doesn't say he's more homosexual than bi. He simply said that he's a bisexual male who is more inclined towards men than women. NEVER that he was purely homosexual.

[Laken]

Yes he did say he's more homosexual than bi. That's what he said in his original post meaning that he's purely homosexual like I'm a lesbian.

Professor should just come out of the closet, divorce his wife, and actually get into a relationship with a man where he'll be happier since he's way more into men and more homosexual than bisexual.


Okay, darlin'. I know it's hard for you to wrap your pretty little head around great big ideas...so you just keep on thinking that you're right. *KISSES!!!* :tong:

[Lonewolf76]

Reflecting, I have to admit that I do believe that sexual orientation is something that can only be understood in a way such as Dr. Kinsey suggested: we can be "more or less" attracted to the opposite sex and "more or less" attracted to the same sex. I know that I'm bisexual because I find both sexes attractive, erotic, stimulating. But something with which I've been struggling came clear to me today as this 20-something student looked me in the face: I'm gayer than I am straight. I'm bisexual, sure, but the better part of me loves the curves, the strength, the hardness, and the masculinity of another male.

The most difficult part is admitting to myself that I want to spend whatever sexual years I have left being a man who shares his sex with another man. Numerically, I've had much more experience with women than with men, but the experiences with other men have been unbelievably more fulfilling. It's time to admit this to myself and act on it. God knows what will happen when I finally get the last part of this out to my beloved wife -- she has been so generous and so supportive all along the way. But I think she knows the truth and is waiting for me to discover it and speak it to her.

Hi Prof - Thanks so much for posting this - I know EXACTLY what you mean. It was as if you were speaking for me. I came out last year at the ripe old age of 50. I had long experienced attraction to other men - but kept repressing it and it would return even stronger. I agree that we are "More or Less" attracted to others. I am definitely bisexual - I too am "More or less" attracted to both sexes. As for telling your wife. It has been mentioned in the previous rollercoaster ride of posts that she probably knows more than you think she does - that's probably very true. The key is to be true to yourself. You mention that she has been so generous and supportive - she sounds like a wonderful loving woman. You owe her (and you) the truth and the two of you have history together. Have the discussion and see where it is meant to be. Contrary to what some here believe - it doesn't necessarily mean instant divorce. Love is far, far deeper than that. Thanks for letting me know there are others out there like myself -and I wish you joy. peace and happiness - as It sounds like your wife does too.

[Lonewolf76]

Professor has said how he's more homosexual than bisexual, and Belle has said this about her husband.

There's no sense in denying the truth even if Professor and Belle's husband want to lie about their sexuality and stay in the closet, and Belle can delude herself about how her relationship with her homosexual husband will actually work.

He should be "true to himself" by telling his wife the truth about his homosexuality and getting a divorce and living the life and relationship that he wants with a guy away from his wife.

Hello Kandygirl - Look at the time signatures between my post and yours - it didn't take too long for you to attack my post as negatively as you have everyone elses. Everyone on here has tried to get you to see reason as nicely as they could. You just won't have any of it. I will respond to this attack - but no others - I won't waste my time on a bitter person who attacks others the way you do. I"ve met individuals like you - ones that when the whole world tells them THEY are wrong in their minds the WHOLE WORLD is crazy and they are sane - please continue to live in your little shallow world. But don't attack the rest of us for being supportive of one another. The beautiful thing about love is that it is boundless, deep and there are NO RULES. To say with such authority that a gay man and straight woman can't have a healthy sexual relationship - proves how very little you really do know. Just out of curiosity - where did you get your PhD in psychology and adult sexuality - where are your credentials to be spitting out such hateful venom with such authority. Please - take a one way trip back to your little world and leave the Prof and Belle and her husband alone. Just because things didn't work out in YOUR relationships - doesn't mean we're all doomed to failure. I feel sorry for you - I really do - I wish you peace - you need it!

[Westwick]

Thank you Lone wolf. Love really is complicated, which is why it's so friggin' great!

[jem_is_bi]

Previously, I posted my opinion about the situation of the author of this thread. However, it seems that another aspect of his situation dominates the discussion. I am more homosexual than bisexual. I have always been more homosexual than bisexual. I have had sex with both men and women. Sex with men is much more fun, erotic, and satisfying to me than sex with women. I hope than my present MM relationship lasts as long as I do. However, the person I like/love more than anyone else in the whole world is a woman. If she were my wife, I would very much enjoy having sex with her. But, I would still be more homosexual than bisexual and enjoy sex with a man even more than her.
While sexual fulfillment is very important, human relationships are part love, part sex and much more. So, I do not understand why his state of being is necessarily incompatible with that of his wife and mutual joy in both life and sex.

[gfofbiguy]

Belle's husband and professor are gay and if they really want to be happy they should just come out, get a divorce, and stop settling for a pointless relationship with a heterosexual woman since they'll never be as happy when it comes to sex, romance, and other relationship factors with a straight woman.

KandyGirl, why do you even care?

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Ok you've stated the same thing over and over and over again. Get over it, and yourself. You keep spouting off on things you know nothing about. And since you know it all, have a nice life. You live with your misconceptions, we'll live with the truth.
Yep, your a Diamond in the rough alright. And are Dog-edly determined in your belief systems.
You catch any familiar words there Kate?
Cat

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Peck to your cheek LoneWolf..:} GMTA
Cat

[Lonewolf76]

Peck to your cheek LoneWolf..:} GMTA
Cat

Thanks Cat! A peck right back atcha! Some of us have come so far ... and some have so far yet to go! Blessings! :)

[onewhocares]

[QUOTE=Lonewolf76;120312 The beautiful thing about love is that it is boundless, deep and there are NO RULES. To say with such authority that a gay man and straight woman can't have a healthy sexual relationship - proves how very little you really do know. [/QUOTE]


My kudos to you Lonewolf......As the song says...."LOVE is a many splendid thing". There are many forms of love and perhaps a younger person with little of life's experience has not come to share the lust, desire, compassion, honesty, understanding, passion, caring and the many other facets that make up a marriage. Like a fine wine and a woman, a fine marriage can grow in complexity and develop over time into a wonderful rich and amazing nectar to be savored and enjoyed. Lucky is the person who has the pleasure to partake of such a gift.

One other comment...this thread has shown examples how non traditional relationships CAN work. They work because of the mutual respect and understanding of those involved and the deep and devoted love TWO PEOPLE have for each other. The world be be so so boring if we all were in cookie cutter lives.....some of us like to live outside the box and experience all that life has to offer to make us happy.

Belle

[onewhocares]

The beautiful thing about love is that it is boundless, deep and there are NO RULES. To say with such authority that a gay man and straight woman can't have a healthy sexual relationship - proves how very little you really do know.


My kudos to you Lonewolf......As the song says...."LOVE is a many splendid thing". There are many forms of love and perhaps a younger person with little of life's experience has not come to share the lust, desire, compassion, honesty, understanding, passion, caring and the many other facets that make up a marriage. Like a fine wine and a woman, a fine marriage can grow in complexity and develop over time into a wonderful rich and amazing nectar to be savored and enjoyed. Lucky is the person who has the pleasure to partake of such a gift.

One other comment...this thread has shown examples how non traditional relationships CAN work. They work because of the mutual respect and understanding of those involved and the deep and devoted love TWO PEOPLE have for each other. The world be be so so boring if we all were in cookie cutter lives.....some of us like to live outside the box and experience all that life has to offer to make us happy.

Belle

[balancingact]

Belle-Sorry love has nothing to do with it.

Since your husband is gay your relationship with him is simply not going to work at all.

You both seem to be settling for being in a relationship that you both know is not going to work and you're grasping at straws and trying to stay happy when you both know that it's not going to work and that life would be better if you both got a divorce and you finally let your husband come out as a homosexual man.

I'm gay and since your husband is homosexual your marriage and relationship are simply not going to work.

It doesn't matter how much you love him and how much sex you have and all of that if he's gay it's not going to work.

I was once like your husband and I was married to a woman.

I stayed unhappy, depressed, sometimes even suicidal in pointless relationships with opposite gender sexual partners for decades and I wasn't even attracted to her and this wasn't good for either of us at all and it just made life even worse and more stressful trying to maintain and be something that I was not and pretending to enjoy sex, romance, and a relationship with someone who I was not attracted to at all.

Belle's husband stays married to her this will happen and he'll wind up getting hurt.

Belle you should just get a divorce from your husband since keeping him in the closet isn't helping and you're just denying him the happiness that he deserves as an out homosexual man away from you.


Either this is Kandy with a new moniker or just another example of someone from the Gay/Lesbian community not recognizing that bisexuality is real.

[Lonewolf76]

Either this is Kandy with a new moniker or just another example of someone from the Gay/Lesbian community not recognizing that bisexuality is real.

Thank You Balancingact! I think you hit it right on he head. Why is it so hard for some people to understand that Bisexual means exactly that - BI - as in TWO! Belle - you and I have communicated on this before. Stick to your guns sweetheart - if you and your husband choose to make it work -- you can.
There are a great deal of open-minded, kind hearted people on this site who really do "Get it" --- but as with any other site - there are also immature close-minded people who can't see past the end of their own noses. Bottom line is... do what is right for you and your mate - to hell with the closed-minded closet biggots! Love is more than that! Kudos Balancing act - sure sounds like Kandygirl doesn't it!! LOL

[Lonewolf76]

Kudos to our web facilitator Drew - I just noticed that all of Kandygirls posts have been deleted. Thanks for removing the poison from the thread Drew! To everyone else who has communicated such loving, positive, supportive thoughts to these three beautiful people - Thanks from little ole me - makes me proud to be a member of this site and gives me a warm fuzzy that there are beautiful wonderful people out there that share the same alternative lifestyles. It's nice to know that it's such a great community - I'm honored to communicate with all of you! Lonewolf. Howwlllllllll!

[jem_is_bi]

I feel bad!:( I really liked the name: "Kandygirl" even if she(he?) was not so sweet.:( Besides, I can handle the negativity without freaking out and feeling rejected. I am now to old to do well at physical combat but I still enjoy a little verbal combat.

[Lonewolf76]

I feel bad!:( I really liked the name: "Kandygirl" even if she(he?) was not so sweet.:( Besides, I can handle the negativity without freaking out and feeling rejected. I am now to old to do well at physical combat but I still enjoy a little verbal combat.

jem is bi - Mister... with a body like that for a 60 Y/O I'll spar verbally with you any day - but only if you promise to spank me (among other things) !!!! LOL Woof Woof! Lonewolf

[malcolm4572]

True story. Everyone is different. If you try to pass judgement on what makes someone else happy, you are never going to figure out how to be happy yourself......, and everyone will know you are sad and lonely and hate yourself.

It's perfectly normal to like men, or women, or both, or none at all. Go figure. I happen to like sex, with both men and women, and I feel pretty much the same post-coitus with either. The only question I ever have is...........

Chinese or pizza ?